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*Dick Wizardry Mock Draft - AdamS - 11-25-2018 Ay yo ay yo ayo yo. It's your boy Dick Wizardry AKA The Big Swingin' Dick AKA Weapon XXX AKA The Master of Herasster AKA The Future Legend. Bro I'm here to talk about one of the most important things possible. My personal mock draft of the upcoming NSFL Draft. Straight from my delicate, sensual mouth, you're going to hear my thoughts on what each team needs to be doing. This is better than some GM coming in and saying a bunch of bullshit that ya boy knows is a lie. Everybody who don't know that it's a lie is straight up stupid. This is the time of year when everybody's lying all the time bro. Ya can't believe a word anyone says. That's not a knock. I get it. GM's out here competing with other GMs and tryin' to stay one step ahead of everybody else. Respect that motherfuckin' hustle yo. And jsut like I provide that expert anal, I'm about to provide that expert analysis BAY-BAY! Let's get it poppin'. #1 Check that sweet gold 'n green. At the number one slot you got them San Jose Sabercats. They've been to the playoffs like once ever. Every team in their conference has won multiple Ultimus titles. They be like a secondary Kardashian that don't even have their own business shit goin' on on the side ya know? C'mon now. Your little sister got 14 businesses and a investment portfolio and shit. What are you doin"? So anyway, let's talk about the best pick possible for the Cats. DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK Was there any doubt? I'm the best goddamn thing in this draft. San Jose already has 348 receivers and it's not like defense really matters. Bring me in and gimme the ball 20 times and give Canton the ball 20 times and let us split out wide when we ain't runnin'. Bro. Nobody could stop this team. Some bean counter somewhere might tell ya that you need x amount of fuckin' linebackers and some shit but that's dumb. If ya got not one but two dudes who can tote the rock? Mindsplosions homey. Canton's a solid dude. We could crush this shit. Maybe bring the Cats to prominence for the first time ever. Who They pick if they're dumb: I dunno. They need a lot of shit. People overrate defensive tackles a fuckton bro. So probably that Freezer Rapist dude. #2 FRESH OFF LOSIN' IN OT OF THE ULTIMUS CUZ A RUNNING BACK RAMMED HIS IRON WILL UP THEIR ASS. If anybody knows the value of a great runner it's these motherfuckers right here. That's why they traded for Antonio. And hell, they don't even have a real quarterback bro. Ryan Applehort took one look at this team and peaced the fuck out like he got these bitches preggers. He was in this offense for one eyar and was "fuck this, I'm goin' to the middle of nowhere instead". So they make the obvious pick. DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK What they need is another runner. A real threat to take it Broadway every play. Ya know what every lady loves? Some Dick in the Summer. And every NSFL defense would hate that shit. You could throw some random asshat back there. Won't matter bro. Me an Tony'll carry the corpse of Trey Willie and shit to the promised land. I'm sure they can pick up some mediocre ass defensive lineman dude to fill space and we'll carry that motherfucker to a title too. They did it for you know who's daddy not long ago. We could do it again. Who they pick if their heads are up their asses or the Cats got me: Luke. My boy Luke would actually be a good guy to pick up if for some reason they can't handle all this Dick. No, I ain't spelling his last name for you. You supposed to be professionals and shit. Figure it out. #3 Here we got a team on the come up. Offense is startin' to find it's feet under Fitzpatrick. Ya got dudes named Blathazar and Viggo and Budda and shit on this offense. And they just lost one of the absolute best to ever do it. reg Mackworthy is a fuckin' treasure bro. He's the real goddamn deal. So what do they need? DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK Like there's a doubt. Following The Mack would be the greatest honor of my career and it would be befitting of my fuckin' greatness to pick up the rock he put down and take his team back to the top. Don't worry bro. I got this. I'm about to crush this shit like a fat dude with a big dick fuckin' a supermodel. Come get me bro. Time to strap a Dick to the Outlaws offense and bring back that swagger they used to have back in the day. And then we fuck the rest of the league. Me with 10 yard runs and Fitzy with 8 yard pass after 8 yard pass. If they wanted to draft me but then they got high or it was just too late: Hike Mughes. Dude's a corner, which is always a premium, and this team loves it's weird ass names. #4 Let's call it what it is yo. Brown's a bigger bust than ScarJo. Two and a half yards and a cloud of dust and some shit. Like he was back in the 40s in Notre Dame. Yeah, dude can get you a 1 yard TD like it's nothin' but what else has he done? This team's already got it's own unique identity. Got a buncha old white dudes mad about it's QB. Oh no..she's got a VAGINA. And? She slings the rock. She even throws to a dude named BUSH and ya'll weak ass fucksticks couldn't even come up with a joke about that. Team's on it's way up. #30-14 and all that. What it needs is a real runner. SO wiht the fourth pick? DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK Yeah baby. Blue and white. Ring the Bell. People form Philly are some of the best people on Earth man. Nothin' but a bunch of hatin' ass cracked out wannabees that bitch about them all the time. I'd love it here, not gonna lie. And unlike that fuckin' scrub ass bitch I'd be replacin', I could get you some fuckin' value outside the five yard line. We'll get right back into contention with me in place. Make the call. Pull the trigger. Put a statue of me right next to Rocky. Fuckin' cheese steaks for life. If they are too goddamn late or too goddamn stupid to pick me: James Bishop. Another good target for Falconi to throw too. #5 Yeti Noises and shit. Dudes have gotten real close a couple times now. Last year wasn't it, though was it? Ya'll were missing some shit. At least though they proved that they shouldn't be seen as the most ridiculous franchise anymore right? I dunno about ya'll but the San Jose hombres are clearly that shit (unless they pick me #! of course...that'll show they've turned a new corner and shit). But let's be real. There's a reason that people keep tryin' to pretend Colorado is the joke of the league. And it ain't that legal weed either. Though whaddup on that front Colorado? Check ya boy. This team always seems to get fucked up right as it gets started. Applehort bounced from here right as things were shapin' up and they said fuck you..we'll let the goddamn kicker throw. Boi's got an arm too. Change his name to McCorchuck. What this team needs is a powerful tool to impose it's will. Funny thing, I know just the draft pick. DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK And this would do it too. They need that running. I got that running. They need someone to do it all for them and I am the fuckin' man bro. I'll join the Yeti and go Sasquatch on motherfuckers. Yeah. That's right. Poetry in goddamn motion from your boy. WITNESS ME! With me them furry bois would get fuckin' wild. We're run this entire conference like the Outlaws circa steroids and shit. Maybe we can get that dude Howard Miller some of them 4 yard touchdown catches while I take a breather on the sideliens from runnin' the first 96. Make him that WR of the Year and shit. J.K. bro. I don't need breathers. But if Howie's my boy, howie can get some endzone love. I'm not fuckin' selfish yo. It's about the team first. If somebody else takes me or these dudes go back to the shitshow they used to be: That Smiley motherfucker. He's fat as fuck. Makes teams afraid to run. He's got that fat fuck strength that makes people jizz their fuckin' tighties. Dude's eats 38 chicken wings and ya'll call the motherfucker an athlete cuz he gets the stand in one spot and dry hump another fat guy. #6 Now here's a team that's workin' it's way up. But Gus Showbiz and all that extra talent bullshit. Got that system and shit that fuckin' oozes success. And they're comin' hungry to take their spot back. No doubt about it, this team is always gonna be a threat. And they have a history of creativity on both side of the ball, too. Got that mojo down pat and shit. But the quesiton is, what player takes them to the next level? ARBIN ASIPI III RUNNING BACK They have a history of taking scrub ass motherfuckers and making them decent. Asslick Burnsman, Jordan Yates, Ricky Adams. You name it, they've figured out how to make some rando look like he belongs on the field. This is the team that a mediocre fuckin' wannabee like ASSFACE should hope he goes to. If they're smart though: DICK WIZARDY. I'll take that system and I'll destroy everything in my path. Running, receiving, returning, fuck it I'll call plays. Spider Y2 Banana motherfucker. It's game over homey. Game. Fuckin'. Over. #7 So what happened with the first pick? Well, maybe they got smart and picked me. Maybe they were those dumb fucks and didn't but took my boy Luke, who's a great sloppy seconds. Let's assume that if they took me, that they'll be smart and take Luke here. Set 'em up for the future. And if they got all pissy pants scared and took Luke? Well then praise whatever fuckin' God you believe in if I'm sitting here. You take me here instead and we wreck this shit. If they're really this goddamn dense and don't pick both of us: Errol Maddox. They need a receiver who's to about to crumble into dust halfway through a play. This would be that dude. #8 Doot Doot and sound the horns and whatever other shit these crazy bastards say. Dudes are nuts. Probably drunk constantly though. They just won another Ultimus. But they also just lost a lot of talented motherfuckers too. Leclair is gone. Smallwood ended his career creaming all over the Hawks defense. Law can go back to day drinking and shrinking, too. Who does that shit? Weird. That's rough. What the Second Line needs is a less pretentious name and then maybe to calm the fuck down. Nah. Who am I kidding? LET'S GET NUTS BOIS. Make that pick. DICK WIZARDRY RUNNING BACK The Nola fucks do the smart thing and pick up...YA BOY to step in where Smallwood left off. And shit gets to poppin' off like some redneck fucks seein' a black man in a suit and getting scared. #StayWoke. I'll come in and run that offense like a well oiled fuck machine. And the rest of the league consented by being so goddamn dumb I wasn't already picked. Come and get it. If somebody else already made the right call: My boy Aksel. Fuck you if you make fun of him for picking the name he feels in his heart. Assholes. He's gonna be pretty good. Second best back in this draft class. I could see him doin' well here. There it is. The best most thorough most complete mock draft you're gonna get from anybody anywhere. Take this shit to the bank and make it rain. Dick...OUT. *Dick Wizardry Mock Draft - DeathOnReddit - 11-25-2018 smh *Dick Wizardry Mock Draft - SwagSloth - 11-25-2018 I was thoroughly entertained. *Dick Wizardry Mock Draft - YoungTB - 11-25-2018