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+---- Thread: *Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft (/showthread.php?tid=20859)
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*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - IsaStarcrossed - 04-07-2020
Draft talk! 1.5x monies pls.
After having so much fun with my dear friend Murtsi when we wrote up the Expansion Draft article we did together, I realized I really should dive into the actual draft. After all, this is the largest and arguably most insanely talented draft class the league has ever seen. It is going to shake up the entire foundation of the NSFL and that alone makes it worth taking a look at. Drafts are crazy and unpredictable, so it is up to us to speculate and try to get an idea of what the draft may look like ahead of time. So without further introduction, let's dive into this draft and see exactly how I believe things will play out.
Round 1 Pick 1: NOLA (via AUS via HON) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - After further investigation, New Orleans realizes that they simply can’t get their guy with the number two pick. They know exactly who the best prospect is in this draft and it is without a doubt Slothlisberger himself. Due to being afraid of Austin taking him, NOLA authors a blockbuster trade involving queso blanco dip, some cheddar sour cream ruffles, and a half eaten mint chocolate chip shake. Austin took their haul eagerly and could be heard munching behind the scenes as NOLA grabbed their guy.
Sloth fact: Did you know that three-toed sloths and two-toed sloths aren’t really similar at all? Not only are they from different families, they are considered distant cousins at best. In fact one is nocturnal and the other is fairly active in the day. I too have had nocturnal family members. They have a bad habit of playing Rock Band at two in the morning.
Round 1 Pick 2: NOLA (via SAR) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - The trade that got NOLA into the number two slot here was very well documented. It was the first trade ever made by one of the expansion teams and it was a move that NOLA knew they had to make. Before the expansion teams ever even came to be, the Second Line knew who they were going for in the draft. They needed a great guy. They needed someone who fit their culture. They needed a quarterback of the future. They never really needed to look past Slothlisberger who really fit all their requirements.
Sloth fact: Did you know that despite there being three-toed and two-toed sloths, both actually have three toes? The name is completely deceptive. The real difference actually refers to their fingers. The two-toed brethren have two claws, the three-toed have three claws. Very sneaky names indeed!
Round 1 Pick 3: NOLA (via PHI) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - The trade that it took to get NOLA in this spot just made too much sense. It is no secret that Stan Francisco is aging and only has so many days left in the league. He will retire as a legend in his own right to the New Orleans faithful, but it is the team’s job to always look forward. They know they need a replacement in the pipeline for their team leader. They looked at the draft board and saw the physical freak that is Ben Slothlisberger and they knew then what had to be done. Sell the farm for Slothlisberger? Easy enough. The Second Line went through and collected every single philly cheesesteak they could find in Philadelphia and hid them all away. Unable to find new sources for their lifeblood, the Liberty were left with no choice. They traded this pick for the safe return of their cheesesteak sandwiches and NOLA was able to get their guy.
Sloth fact: Did you know that giant sloths once roamed the planet? These terrifying monsters stood over twelve feet tall and weighed multiple tons. Imagine the pure terror of coming up against an elephant sized sloth that was bone plated for additional tankiness. That was a true threat of nature.
Round 1 Pick 4: NOLA (via ARI) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - New Orleans is fully aware that they’re going to have to make some big moves in this draft to stay competitive. Expansion draft is going to hit them hard and it is going to fill this team with holes. One of the biggest holes they’ll have to fill is in the locker room. The Second Line organization prides themselves on an active locker room full of fantastic people. Losing some members of that group could be disastrous for the team, but NOLA has a solution. As some of you may or may not know, Arizona is already home to a Unicorn. Wanting to help them out, New Orleans managed to hunt down a Phoenix and traded it for this pick. New Orleans strongly believes that Slothlisberger is more unique than either of those two things and they were willing to do whatever it took to get their guy.
Sloth fact: Did you know that sloths would fail an eye test? Even though it is well known that sloths often have dull senses, their eyesight is the worst of all of them. Mommy sloths have problems finding their babies if they’re more than five feet away and oftentimes you can see male sloths trying to fight each other from similar distances. Imagine that, two sloths doing their best to flail at each other with five feet of distance between them. That's how you social distance!
Round 1 Pick 5: NOLA (via SJS) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - The Second Line are always on the lookout for a specific kind of player. They look for team first guys, guys who are willing to sacrifice to make the squad better. Word on the street is that Slothlisberger is just that kind of guy. While he gives off an air of not really caring with his cigarettes and all, this is a man with a huge heart. He has often come across as willing to sacrifice stats, money, and fame if it meant helping his team win. After all, he even split time with another quarterback in Tijuana this past season and never complained. How many quarterbacks do you know that are happy with a quarterback by committee? Still, Slothlisberger is the best kind of guy and he gave up his extra snaps because he believed it made the team better. What a guy! NOLA knew they would have to trade up to get this guy, so they stole some scouting reports for the coming PBE draft and traded them to CK for this pick. Whatever it takes.
Sloth fact: Did you know that sloths are in fact incredible swimmers? Despite these majestic beats seeming sluggish on land, they move almost three times as fast in a body of water. They can hold their breath for up to 40 minutes and their long arms make them adept at long strides. Sloths are often seen going out of their way to cross bodies of water to get from one place to another quicker. This fact is why there is a sloth spa currently within the New Orleans locker room. You have to give your sloths whatever makes them comfortable.
Round 1 Pick 6: NOLA (via PHI via CHI) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Unfortunately for New Orleans, Philadelphia sealed away all of their cheesesteaks after the original incident. They knew they still had a pick to come and so they had to build a vault where they hid all of the cheesesteak sandwiches to keep the Second Line from bamboozling them a second time. It would have almost worked, but New Orleans knew there was one guy they had to get in the draft. There was one player who had history and connection to the soul of New Orleans. His name was Ben Slothlisberger. One look at this beast of a football player and New Orleans knew their heart beat only for him. To get him though, they knew they would have to step up their game. It was for this reason the Liberty Bell was missing for roughly 24 hours. New Orleans went to work and stole the very essence of what the Liberty stood for. They were left with no choice but to surrender this pick and allow NOLA to get their Sloth.
Sloth fact: Did you know that being lazy is in fact a survival tactic for the sloth? Being lazy is the primary reason why they’ve not gone extinct altogether. They survive off of leafy greens which can take a sloth up to a month to digest. Unfortunately, leafy greens aren’t very nutritious and as such sloths have to conserve energy to keep from starving themselves. This is why you see sloths always dragging themselves along, barely able to move six feet a minute. This is done purely to prevent them from burning through their energy reserves at rates the sloth simply can’t replace.
Round 1 Pick 7: NOLA (via HON via AUS) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - When you have to move up to pick your favorite prospect, it is helpful to find someone who is a good trading partner. It is well documented that the expansion teams simply need as many warm bodies as they can get to fill their rosters. After all, they are having to start from scratch. When word came out that star athlete Ben Slothlisberger was interested in spending his career with the Second Line, they knew this was an opportunity they couldn’t pass on. To make this happen, New Orleans happily traded all of their picks in the S23 draft to move up and grab Slothlisberger. You don’t need a whole bunch of bodies as long as you have one Slothlisberger to warm up your locker room.
Sloth fact: Did you know that sloths do literally everything in trees? Their bodies are designed specifically for hanging from trees to the point their internals are actually anchored to their abdomen. This takes weight off their diaphragm and allows them to breathe easier. Because of this, sloths eat, mate, and even give birth all while hanging from trees.
Round 1 Pick 8: NOLA (via COL) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - I know what you’re thinking here. Why would Colorado dare give up their first round pick when they’ve already got their sights on the myth, the man, the legend Bauer? This man is beloved in Colorado and Colorado would not easily give up this pick and risk missing out on him. New Orleans sunk to their lowest level yet. As beloved as Colorado’s target is to the Yeti, the Second Line’s target is even more beloved by them. Slothlisberger is everything to this franchise and they will stop at nothing to bring him to New Orleans. As such, they kidnapped Bauer and held him hostage. They demanded this pick if the Yeti ever wanted to see Bauer again. An agreement was made and now Slotlisberger will be on is way to the big easy.
Sloth fact: Did you know that three-toed sloths have a very unique tradition called the poo dance? These creatures do almost everything from trees except for poo. They climb all the way down to the forest floor, expose themselves, do a little dance, dig a hole and then do their business. It actually baffles scientists because sloths are at their highest dangerous threshold when on the forest floor. In fact, it is believed that more than half of sloth deaths occur on the forest floor where they are easier prey to predators. Most of them probably die while doing their business.
Round 1 Pick 9: NOLA (via BAL) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Baltimore’s primary GM is Duilio. Duilio is an absolutely incredible guy. He has a big heart and he goes out of his way to help people out and make others happy. He could see what was happening from a mile away. A love story between New Orleans and Ben Slothlisberger was blooming. Man and team, made for each other and destined to be together forever. Duilio being the lovely man that he is, gave New Orleans this pick for absolutely free. He couldn’t bear to see two star crossed lovers continue to be held apart. Slothlisberger is so attached to NOLA that the man literally bleeds purple and teal. You can’t keep a guy that is in that much love away from the target of his affections.
Sloth fact: Did you know that not only does algae tend to grow on sloth fur, sloths also have a symbiotic relationship with algae? Algae is often passed down from mother to child and both parties benefit from the relationship. Sloths have long fur that holds water when they get wet and creates a lush breeding ground for the algae. The algae provides both food and camouflage for the sloth. It is one of the best symbiotic relationships in all of nature.
Round 1 Pick 10: NOLA (via OCO) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Coercion can often be seen as a crime. For New Orleans, they just call it a Sunday. The Second Line has become one of the greatest rivals to Orange County. There is no way they would ever agree to a trade with New Orleans easily. After all, a stronger New Orleans means a weaker Orange County. That said, their GM Laser is also the updater for the Second Line. New Orleans was able to leverage this connection. They informed Mr. Laser that if he did not hand over the 10th overall pick that they would all release 150 TPE updates at the same time. Fearful for the loss of his real life as he already was faced with the daunting task of updating Gump once this season, he was happy to trade his pick for a half bag of spicy peanuts. With this pick, the only guy New Orleans could possibly grab would be Slothlisberger. It is said that Slothlisberger is from the moon. Many in New Orleans believe he was spawned from the soul of the late Johnny Slothface. This makes him essential for New Orleans as they have to bring Slothface home.
Sloth fact: Did you know that females sloth start screaming when they want to mate? They get in the mood and simply start screaming at the top of their lungs to attract a mate. Most researchers are confused about sloth mating rituals, but male sloths have been seen trying to fight over a screeching female. There is no hard evidence on how it all works, but life finds a way.
Round 1 Pick 11: NOLA - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - With the one pick that they actually started with, the Second Line pick Ben Slothlisberger at 11. After a horrific Ultimus appearance in which they were crushed 63-0, New Orleans knew something had to change. The entire air of the locker room seemed crushed. They need a leader. They need someone who can stand up and drag them out of despair. The ever optimistic, ever friendly Ben Slothlisberger would be that man for New Orleans. Not only does he fill their need for a quarterback of the future, he is also one of the kindest and most generous people in the entirety of the NSFL. If anyone can pull New Orleans out of the funk of their crushing loss, it’ll be Slothlisberger.
Sloth fact: Did you know that sloths have an extra vertebrae in their neck? This allows them to turn their heads 270 degrees so they can look directly behind them. When you see it happen, it can often be incredibly creepy. Despite them being able to almost twist their heads all the way around though, they still have blindspots due to their well documented bad eyesight.
Round 1 Pick 12: NOLA (via YKW) - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Now we get into the real drama. The real reason NOLA lost the Ultimus. You see, New Orleans had been eying a specific prospect all season long. They had believed that prospect would be out of reach. After all, if they have a good season then they pick late. They couldn’t bear the thought of missing out on this very special player. They informed YKW before the Ultimus that they would happily throw the game in return for their first draft pick. So here we are. Yellowknife are champions and New Orleans gets Slothlisberger. Everyone ends up happy.
Sloth fact: Did you know that despite being lazy and defenseless, sloths tend to live for a very long time? Live slow, die whenever is the slogan for the sloth lifestyle. These lovely animals have an average lifespan of 20 years, but some have been known to live into their 40s. Sometimes the slowest of us win the only race that matters!
Round 2 Pick 1: Los Vegas Show Girls - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Despite what has been said, New Orleans has not in fact been the dream location for Ben Slothlisberger. Rumors have been circulating and as it turns out, His heart has actually been set on an expansion team. From the moment he heard Los Vegas was returning to the NSFL, he wanted to sign up. Stories say he called the general managers and yelled at them to draft him. Los Vegas has everything Slothlisberger could ever want for his lifestyle. The fact he looks good in pink is definitely a plus!
Sloth fact: Did you know that the length that a sloth sleeps actually depends on their environment? Sloths in captivity are known to sleep for an upwards of 20 hours a day. Wild sloths sleep between eight and nine hours a day. The safer they are, the lazier they are. Perhaps they are more like humans than we care to admit!
Round 2 Pick 2: Glasgow Unicorns - Ben Slothlisberger - QB - Apparently the other expansion team has also shown interest in Slothlisberger. Lucky for him, they also rock the pink. I’d once said that Slothlisberger was more unique than a unicorn. Well now he gets to be one! Slothlisberger has long dreamed of being associated with such a great town and such a great branding and now he finally gets to head off to his heart’s one true desire.
Sloth fact: Did you know that the facial structure of a sloth makes them always look like they’re smiling or relaxed even if they’re in pain? People often confuse a sloth’s smile for happiness, but it is not always the case as they’re not actually capable of changing their expression. Always check in on and take care of your sloths even if they look happy to you!
I hope you all enjoyed my very serious mock draft! Now that I’ve had my fun, I’ll start by saying I love you, Sloth. You’re the best! I’ll follow that up by wishing all of you rookies luck!
Draft time is chaos! You think you have plans, you think you have ideas, and it all falls apart pretty fast when things happen in real time. I will say that you’ll see guys fall much further than you thought possible. Perhaps further than they’ll deserve. You’ll see guys climb up the board and end up in spots where you never thought they would. The draft is a living, breathing thing and it is constantly evolving. There have even been times where someone’s draft stock dramatically changed while the draft was happening. Trades happen, players end up in places they never imagined, and you’ll find yourself surrounded by an unexpected variety of teammates.
The speculation is fun and I wish you all the best, but never be surprised when all of your expectations end up with unexpected results! None of these mock drafts will be accurate because all we can do is guess. Every player has different opinions on their own value and the value of others. Then every team has different opinions than those. It will be an exciting, wild, and unpredictable time.
We have a large number of incredible teams in this league. I have full faith in the GMs and the leadership of each and every squad. There isn’t a team in this league that you should be afraid of that you should try to avoid. Each locker room will invite you with open arms and you’ll be able to trust your GMs to do what is best for you and the team.
I hope each and every one of you learn to loves your new homes as the NSFL draft looms and I look forward to seeing how your careers play out.
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - slothfacekilla - 04-07-2020
(04-07-2020, 10:36 AM)IsaStarcrossed Wrote:Sloth fact: Did you know that females sloth start screaming when they want to mate? They get in the mood and simply start screaming at the top of their lungs to attract a mate. Most researchers are confused about sloth mating rituals, but male sloths have been seen trying to fight over a screeching female. There is no hard evidence on how it all works, but life finds a way.
Facts
Also this is beautiful Isa
![[Image: 3vqtq0.jpg]](https://i.imgflip.com/3vqtq0.jpg)
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - scorycory - 04-07-2020
I think Nola might be taking Ben Slothlisberger
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - caltroit_red_flames - 04-07-2020
Not a single OL...
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - ScorpXCracker - 04-07-2020
Quote:Sloths in captivity are known to sleep for an upwards of 20 hours a day.
same
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - mithrandir - 04-07-2020
I feel snubbed.
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - infinitempg - 04-07-2020
this is the content i come to these forums for A+++
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - DrChops - 04-07-2020
This was great. A lot of bold predictions and sloth facts.
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - Big Edd - 04-07-2020
Surprised you didn’t say sloth
*Isa's Totally Serious Mock Draft - Thiath - 04-07-2020
(04-07-2020, 12:36 PM)IsaStarcrossed Wrote:Draft talk! 1.5x monies pls.
half eaten mint chocolate chip shake
You really couldn't find a way to make it a half eaten onion bagel huh?