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+---- Thread: *The Bjorn Ultimatum (/showthread.php?tid=23121)
*The Bjorn Ultimatum - SchwarzNarr - 06-16-2020
Please note: the author of this article (SchwarzNarr) has a personal relationship with IsaStarcrossed. This article attempts to remain unbiased, but it is important to disclose the relationship nevertheless.
In a league that prides itself on the integrity of its players, and issues sanctions when rules are not followed, in particular, tampering violations, it seems abhorrent to me that the league has allowed a player who is obviously cheating.
Adelie de Pengu is a penguin, which, personally, if a penguin can play football, I have no issues with. However, while Adelie de Pengu’s ability to play football is not in question - his size is.
De Pengu’s stats list him at 6’5”. According to National Geographic Kids, Adelie penguins are roughly 2 feet tall. Clearly Adelie has been ingesting something that is providing him with unnatural growth and strength. Indeed in some articles written by Adelie, it is alluded that he is ingesting Bjorn’s special stuff, (which aside from the possibility of GROSS Bjorn, who knows what chemicals he is putting inside of this penguin's body!).
Now, since de Pengu is approximately 4 feet taller than he should be, there is something nefarious at play. It is my belief that these are steroids helping de Pengu to become competitive with the other players in the NSFL league. Furthermore it is my belief that de Pengu is being manipulated and controlled by Bjorn. If Bjorn and his brothers (the grizzly bears, you know) were to have ventured into the Antarctic to collect this penguin, how would a simple, 2 foot adelie penguin be able to fight against a beast of a man and three bears. It is my believe that Bjorn tricked adelie into venturing into this strange world of football, but instead of allowing the penguin to play a sport he loves, Bjorn is attempting to live vicariously through this poor flightless creature.
(Which, honestly, how do we even know that these bears are Bjorn’s brothers? After all, if he has made it his mission to enslave this poor penguin to his service, how do we know that these bears aren’t likewise enslaved? Clearly he is using these bears to do his bidding, I bet if he could, he would teach them how to cook his meals and do his laundry, too. It’s despicable the way that Bjorn has been allowed to glorify and publicize his treatment of wild animals).
De Pengu has never actually spoken in any of the interviews or media articles which have been presented. Instead, Bjorn has allowed himself to become the voice, coach, and ever present personality when de Pengu is around. Bjorn is attempting to personify this poor penguin, and has injected him with some mysterious substance which has turned him from the adorable baby penguin he deserves to be, sliding and swimming in the Antarctic eating fish, into this monster we see before us. (Have you see de Pengu’s picture? He is a large ball of fury, as opposed to a small creature of destruction).
Bjorn has somehow figured out how to harness the rage that the adelie penguins naturally have and combined it with the strength and size of himself, or his bear brothers (it’s not clear right now exactly which substances have allowed de Pengu to reach the size that he has). This poor innocent penguin should be allowed to retire and live his life in peace, swimming, and eating fish. Therefore, in order to prevent the league from suffering the injustice of players who choose to violate the laws. I demand that de Pengu be tested for human growth hormones and other illegal substances.
Additionally, I believe that it is important that the league also do an audit of de Pengu’s financial situation. While Bjorn was rich by his own rights, he is very clearly manipulating this poor penguin. How do we know he isn’t pocketing the money for himself and in exchange, offering this adelie penguin only the dullest of stones. Adelie penguins find shiny pebbles as precious as anything, and Bjorn most likely can’t even be bothered to provide de Pengu with shiny pebbles. Additionally, have you seen the balls which have been played with during Norfolk Seawolves games. Being new in their locker room, I know that they shine the balls more than they should. These shiny balls can only mean one thing: they are trying to represent shiny pebbles meant to guide and help de Pengu in his ability to play as linebacker. He goes for the ball.
How this league has allowed such an innocent penguin to be exploited in this way is atrocious. This is an injustice which needs to be looked into and studied further, so that no more innocent creatures are abused by a system of injustices.
Therefore, this league needs to drug test de Pengu and then based on the results make a decision regarding his future in the league. If, through an investigation, it seems clear that he was an unwilling participant in any drugs or genetic altering, then he should be allowed to do what he wants, whether that is playing football or not. Additionally, there should be an investigation into both de Pengu and Bjorn’s financial situations. Is de Pengu receiving the money that he has rightfully earned? Lastly, the league should investigate Bjorn’s involvement and treatment of other animals. If it is found that he treats animals unfairly and that Bjorn actually is a disgusting human being (IS HE HUMAN THOUGH), the league should ban Bjorn from ever participating, visiting, seeing, and coaching any player in the league. Additionally, they should revoke Bjorn’s Ultimis win and remove him from all records that exist within the league. Finally, Bjorn should be expected to pay a fine to the World Wildlife Foundation that is in the amount of 95% of his savings.
Thank you.
*The Bjorn Ultimatum - IsaStarcrossed - 06-16-2020
Bjorn was last seen with his brothers heading for international waters.
*The Bjorn Ultimatum - Opera_Phantom - 06-16-2020
Can he be a bunch of penguins stacked up on top of each other?
*The Bjorn Ultimatum - SchwarzNarr - 06-16-2020
(06-16-2020, 05:14 PM)Opera_Phantom Wrote:Can he be a bunch of penguins stacked up on top of each other?
Yes ... but: In this case, shouldn't Norfolk be consistently penalized for too many men on the field? How many penguins we talkin?
*The Bjorn Ultimatum - Opera_Phantom - 06-16-2020
I have to say that i'm not familiar with the current penguin to football player ratio.
But that's a good question, "too many men of the field"... But are they men? Nope.
NOLA is bending the rules.