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*Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Vainknight13 - 10-03-2020 Offseason Recollections and Personal Notes On one of my last media posts I started a media idea that is really for no one else but me, I wrote down my ideas and thoughts  about my isfl career so far and did not care if anyone read it or not and honestly I absolutely loved writing it, because it was one of the first pieces of writing I have done in my life that I wrote mainly for me, as a diary of sorts. I fully intend to do one for every season, but so much has happened over the time since that post that I felt like I needed an update. Qith the regular season days away this will be my last opportunity to do so, and I need to take advantage of that. I have been wanting to do some writing for a while now and I have been struggling to come up with what to write about. Maybe I am an idiot, and I'm going to get way to personal here but like I said in the last paragraph, I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing it for me. As I wrote that beginning paragraph I've been asking myself if I really want to write this, and honestly I still am, I may delete this before anyone gets a chance to read it, but I have already decided that if I do post it I don't care if it gets graded, or i get any fake money for it, I think I need to put this down somewhere, to record it, even if I don't end up posting it I will always have it in my records. A lot of things happened since the conclusion of the regular season. One of the first things that happened was that the Ducks had an intern position for the war room and what not, a chance to try scouting. I applied for it but didn't get it. I was kind of excited for it, I am the type to count their chickens before they hatch, definitely a flaw of mine, I don't jump into anything thinking I'm going to fail. I have always jumped in with the thought of fucking around and finding out. I w a kind of disappointed that I didn't get it, shit I'm still disappointed, I don't know if I'd be any good at scouting or any of the war room shit, but I wanted to find out. The thought of scouting sounds really fun to me and that is coming from a guy with terrible social anxiety. Meeting people one on one has never bothered me, it's crowds that mess me up. Locker rooms are still intimidating to me after having been here for a whole season and this is all online, no one can even see me when I make a fool of myself. The thing that I was looking forward to the most was talking to people one on one. Possibly meeting new friends, I'm not good at making friends, on here or in real life, it is just not a skill i have. How the hell do you reach out to people? What the hell do people do? I have friends in the real world and I'm not even sure how the fuck that happened. All the friends I have made throughout my life have pretty much been by accident. However I intended as a scout to mimic the person who has made the biggest impression on me so far in this league. I won't name him again here, but as a scout he continuously reached out to me and made sure I was comfortable in the league and I really don't know if he will ever understand how much I appreciated that. I wanted to be like him, and I sincerely hope that I get the chance to attempt that at some point in the future since this one fell through. The second thing I remember about this offseason was just how boring it was. The Ducks did not make the playoffs. I mean we still did good enough to get the number one overall pick, but we were mere spectators for the playoffs and the championship game. The draft was pretty exciting, I can't lie about that, but overall holy shit. Absolutely nothing going on, I had nothing to do once the season was over. Which really makes that first point much worse, I really could have used a distraction. The one upside that I had after the draft was that I actually went to the team that I wanted to go to. Which don't get me wrong at this point I would change nothing but during my dafl draft that did not happen. The team that I asked to draft me did not so. I am pretty good at appearing to be neutral, I suppose, but I did ask a certain team to draft me and they did not, which I am really glad they didn't. Everyone involved with the Ducks has been pretty fucking awesome. I absolutely love the team, there is always some crazy shit going down in the locker room, and I have a lot of fun there, now that I have been drafted by Yellowknife I have been trying to split my time between the two locker rooms as well as the occasional pop in to my pre dsfl draft haunt the London Royals locker room. It has been a lot of fun, even with every negative i have to say I have still had an overwhelmingly positive experience with the league. I definitely enjoy the league and I see myself hanging around for a long time. I have a lot of fun here, and I enjoy the interactions, I enjoyed talking to some of the rookies, before this dsfl draft. It was definitely fun to see the people looking at the league with the same eyes I had just two months ago, some of them brand new to sim leagues just like I was. Awesome stuff, one thing that makes me happier is the guy that I interacted with the most my team took first overall, pretty happy about that, I really like the guy from what I have seen. I feel like the Ducks are making good decisions, so st least i am not left thinking "well I'd have done it differently" because I wouldn't have. The people in charge have made the same decision I would have so that is pretty cool in hindsight, I mean we will see how it plays out of course, dude could pack up and leave tomorrow, I don't think he will, and I definitely hope he won't but the internet has burned me before. Now I need to get to the real reason I decided to write this article. I wanted to bury this so that anyone who just happened to be reading this and got bored would have left by now, but I need to write it. I announced to a few of the locker rooms several weeks ago that my girlfriend was pregnant.  I was excited, I was ecstatic, by no means was this a planned thing. I absolutely love my girlfriend adore her to no end I bring her up all the time even when it doesn't make sense. I look at her all the time and can't believe I somehow convinced such an amazing woman to put up with my bullshit. I have always wanted to be a father and I thought that this was going to be the start of something awesome. I was really brace in announcing the pregnancy, but I am a coward on announcing that we lost the baby. In my mind I guess I knew we were announcing it way to soon, but life fucking sucks sometimes. I have honestly been crying my fucking eyes out since I started writing this, because I knew what I was going to write, and it hurts. This is the first time I've really let myself feel  since we found out. I don't know if anyone has stuck around this far and honestly I hope you haven't, I don't want to bring you down, I'm down low enough for all of us, but for anyone still reading, I know most of you are men. The shitty thing about being a guy is we keep our feeling in check all the fucking time. It ain't that shit don't get to us, fuck I honestly don't know what or why it is. I know one thing though and I knew the whole time I had to make sure my girlfriend was alright, and I knew that her emotions and her mental well being was more important that mine and I stand by that and I have been there for her the whole time. That part I would not change for anything, but I needed an outlet and this has given me that. I can't describe the feelings, anger, sadness fuck it is all pretty shit, I definitely wanted to be a dad, I wanted to be a dad that my dad would be proud of, at least there is always time to try again, but for right now all I know is that something unexpected took me both to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I don't know that I learned anything, I don't know a whole lot really, it is still pretty early and I don't know if I have really felt the full range of emotions that I am going to feel, but this is what has happened. I don't know if this will get graded, or if I will get fake league money for this and really I don't care but even if it doesn't I just have one request, if I post this, please don't let it get deleted. Back on track to the offseason. Another thing that happened was I put in for the media grader position. I couldn't see myself in a whole lot of league positions, but if there was something that I was tailor made for was that position. I have read literally every piece of media that has been posted since I started in this league. Really looking at it I was already counting the position as mine, when I applied I was talking about it in the locker room and told some people privately, I was extremely excited about it. I thought I was going to get my chance to contribute and do my thing which honestly I pretty much already do half the work required anyway for free, so perfect match right? Nah I can go fuck myself on that one. I thought I had a pretty good chance but, I was wrong. I guess my best claim was I had over 72 hours logged onto the site, well a couple of the positions went to people with less than 8 at the time of hiring so, I guess that's a thing that happened, allegedly RNG was involved the, announcement said as if that was something to be proud of, so I mean at least it was fate and not complete bullshit right? Oh well, I think I've gotten to the end of everything I really needed to get off my chest. Hopefully I have something to look forward to in the next offsesson because this one kind of sucked all in all, didn't really have a whole lot to keep me occupied, but oh well shit happens, and again this is for me not for you. RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Crodyman - 10-03-2020 <3 <3 <3 I can't imagine how you two are feeling right now, but for what it's worth, I'll keep you in my thoughts. This was a brave thing to share, and I respect you for it. Much love, brother. RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Bigred1580 - 10-03-2020 <3 RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Yeenoghu - 10-03-2020 Hope you are doing all right, friend. All I can say is that you have a very supportive group of teammates in Minnesota that care about your wellbeing outside of the league. I have really enjoyed talking to you over the last season, and I hope things get better for you. Good luck with everything. <3 RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Pat - 10-03-2020 This might be just an online collection of people playing make believe football, but above all of that this is a community of people who I believe truly care about each other. It was amazingly brave of you to share the news of your pregnancy with us. I wish I could offer more than empty words, but from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry. I believe I speak for many people here when I say we're here for you. Sending all my love to you and yours. RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - ZootTX - 10-03-2020 Its ok to hurt, and its ok to share your emotions. Crying is ok, and its perfectly normal and healthy at times. There is nothing I can say other than I'm sorry this is something you are having to go through. RE: Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - SomeSay... - 10-03-2020 You've got tons of support here brother, I can't relate to your exact situation but I've been through hell and back, but let me tell you, if you need a ear, I will always listen! Sending all the LOVE! Also, don't sweat not getting the jobs, took me forever to get a league job, and I still get disappointed when I'm turned down for a second one. And now that Yellowknife knows you want to scout, I'm sure they will help you get started RE: *Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - zaynzk - 10-04-2020 ❤️ RE: *Offseason Reflections and Personal Notes - Vainknight13 - 10-04-2020 Thank you everyone for your support and kind words! I love this league and love you all! I don't know if I can fully express my appreciation towards everyone who has reached out here and through pm's, but it definitely warms my heart!