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*ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - Lightnoir - 10-09-2020
Editor (Also Me) Note: I wrote this media piece a while ago. Since then there might've been trades or moves that render (ha) these rosters incorrect. I also quit writing this after two teams. On one hand I thought, this will be far too much writing for where I've already taken this. And more to the point, it was just too weird. I thought the concept would be interesting enough to generate a lot of words, and I was right. But I basically felt dirty by the time I stopped writing. But whatever, I've seen the fanfic people write in these leagues, so without furter ado:
ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are
Hey guys thanks for checking out another one of my pieces. Today I want to talk about a topic very near to my heart: How sexy every team in the ISFL is. There's a vast array of renders in this league: men, women, animals, inanimate objects, anime characters and so on. Naturally I'll be ranking ever team purely on my own preferences. Also for reference I'm using this (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16TvlSUXkdiheU34Twgnoc4O74x5_rOkQPe1bEvy_nCo/edit#gid=0) master sheet for renders and the wiki for the rosters. I won't go through every single player, I'll do like 10 a team. Also, obviously, this is going to get weird. If you aren't prepared for it to get really weird up in here, you should probably move along.
Methodology: Step 1: copy+paste whatever it says in the Player Render column into google images. Step 2: Look at the images. Step 3: Determine the overall hotness of the render based on three key factors: Romance. Is this someone I could see myself having a meaningful relationship with? Could we mesh on an intellectual and emotional level? Cuddlability. Is this someone who could hold me and assuage my fears? Are they soft and warm, or hard and cold? Fuckability. Is this someone I could get down with? I also do not plan to rate the same render twice, so I'm only doing one Harrison Smith, for example.
Philadelphia Liberty
Brock Phoenix - Peyton Manning
Romance: B-
I don't think Manning is aromantic, but I get the feeling he'll close himself off from you. "What's wrong, Peyton?" you say, and he rolls over. "Nothing." That being said, I think he has a great sense of humor and will probably take you to nice restaurants more often than to Papa John's.
Cuddlability: A-
Peyton has strong football throwing arms, and that translates directly to cuddling prowess. He also has a wonderfully tall frame, a premium build for any big spoon.
Fuckability: C+
Idk he's kind of a flabby middle-aged man. Not really my thing, but the dad bod crowd would probably adore him.
Overall: B
Fuzzy Dotson - Chris Gronkowski
Romance: D-
I just cannot see myself getting along with the ostensibly dude-bro Gronkowski. I just can't imagine the conversation ever developing.
Cuddlability: B+
A nice strong lad such as Chris could be a great cuddler though, he's got a great sturdy frame that can give reliable cuddles day in and day out.
Fuckability: D
He looks like such a dude-bro I just can't.
Overall: C-
Flash Panda - Panda from Tekken
Romance: D-
I could never expect a panda to respect my emotional needs because they mainly just like to eat bamboo. And good conversation? Forget it. They can't speak English.
Cuddlability: S
There aren't too many S ranks I'm handing out, but cuddling a panda would be a religious experience. I'm working on the assumption that none of these renders are going to maul me to death, in which case a panda would be a very, very poor cuddler.
Fuckability: F
At no point are you going to see me condone any illegal sexual practices. On top of that, pandas won't even fuck other pandas so they're doing an awful job in this department.
Overall: D+
Randy Vuxta - George Kittle
Romance: B+
Kittle looks like a fun loving excitable guy, which is always charming to have around. He's also yelling a lot in these pictures, so you know he's passionate, and that's the kind of intangible that relates directly to romantic success.
Cuddlability: B+
Kittle's got great hands and knows how to wrap up a ball, so it's a safe assumption he knows how to do the same with a human body. He lacks the softness that a tier 1 cuddler has, but I'm sure he can make up that deficit with experience.
Fuckability: A-
He's pretty cute and looks like a pretty awkward dude, which can be pretty charming, but also frustrating when your partner doesn't know how to communicate exactly what they want.
Overall: A
Nacho Varga - Nacho Varga
Romance: C-
I didn't watch much Better Call Saul, but I'm pretty sure this dude is a bad guy. And bad boys are definitely hot, but it's a headache worrying about if your boyfriend is going to get arrested by the cops or murder you in your sleep.
Cuddlability: D-
Not a soft looking guy at all, and bad boys never cuddle like they're supposed to.
Fuckability: B
You know this dude's up to some deviant stuff, and what with the bad boyness you've gotta imagine he knows how to give you the business. Still, the whole drug cartel thing just can't stop being an issue for me.
Overall: C-
Simon Tremblay - Taylor Lewan
Romance: C-
He looks like a nice enough guy, but I don't know. I just don't see myself meshing with a lineman you know? I know that's bigoted in 2020 but it's just how I feel.
Cuddlability: A
Big strong boy brings a big strong cuddle. It's a tale as old as time. If you're solely looking to be cuddled this is what you should pursue
Fuckability: D
I can just tell he's the type of guy to not do his fair share in the bedroom.
Overall: C
Spike Suzuki - Spike Spiegel
Romance: A
Spike is charming, witty, and a badass bounty hunter. You know he's gonna break your heart, but you're gonna let him over and over.
Cuddlability: D
Sadly Spike is a lanky, fairly selfish person, so it's hard to imagine he'll be a particularly giving cuddler. Also he's an anime drawing, which provides it's own challenges.
Fuckability: C
This dude is not going to call you back, and no matter how good it feels at the time you're going to be left lonely.
Overall: B-
Matt Cross - Matt Cross
Romance: D-
Listen everyone has their thing and mine is not "fights people for a living". No chance of chemistry.
Cuddlability: B+
Cross has a strong, compact frame, perfect for a versatile cuddler who doesn't mind being either the big or small spoon. He also, presumably, knows how to hold people in submission, which indirectly relates to cuddle prowess.
Fuckability: C-
This hairy little ragamuffin is not my type.
Overall: C
Brandon Booker - Harrison Smith
Romance: B
Harrison has a kind smile and the sort of generic white guy aesthetic that we're all wild for.
Cuddlability: B+
He's a good tackler, so you have to imagine he knows how to wrap someone up in the bedroom. He also has a nice tall but-not-too-tall frame, optimal for all types of cuddle styles.
Fuckability: B-
Harrison gets around, I have no doubt about it. And at the time you'll think that's a good thing, but afterwards you'll be asking yourself: what are we? Am I just a side piece to him? It'll be fun, but not worth it.
Overall: B
Wesley Eriksen - Zachary Quinto
Romance: B+
Quinto has a pretty attractive demeanor and comes across and intelligent and charismatic. He's an actor though, and you'll always worry that he's faking these emotions he purports come so naturally.
Cuddlability: B-
Quinto lacks the bulk that leads to a really high class cuddler, but he comes with an emotional intelligence that presumably elevates his cuddling game.
Fuckability: A
:eyes: I would :eyes:
Overall: B+
Liberty overall score: C+
If you're looking for average to moderately attractive white dudes (a trend I expect to contiune) then you can't go wrong with the Philadelphia Liberty. They lack serious character outliers, but have a consistent cast of fairly hot renders.
New Orleans Second Line
Marcella Tōriki - Portia Woodman
Romance: A-
First off, finally a woman. Like I'm bi so it's whatever to me, but there was definitely a moment I realized I was going to be rating 150 men and like 10 women. Anyway. Portia has a very charming smile that makes her look like a very sweet woman, but she also looks like a totally badass rugby player. Get you a girl that can do both. She just looks genuine, and that's paramount for me.
Cuddlability: A
If you've never cuddled an athletic woman you have no idea what you're missing. She's got strong arms and legs for wrapping around you, but a small enough height to be a highly effective little spoon.
Fuckability: B
She pretty cute, but you remember that Futurama episode where they get captured by Space Amazonian women that sentence them to death by Snu-snu? I have a slight fear that could happen here.
Overall: A-
Forrest Gump - Tom Hanks (as Forrest Gump)
Romance: F
If this were just Tom Hanks he would get pretty high scores, but since it's Hanks as the character Forrest Gump I can't condone any sort of relations due to his mental disability.
Cuddlability: F
He'd probably be a good cuddler, but same thing.
Fuckability: F
I'm not Jenny, so that's an F from me, dog.
Overall: F
Rainier Wolfcastle - Rainier Wolfcastle
Romance: B-
A little too muscle-bound for my taste, but you could definitely do worse.
Cuddlability: A+
Look at those arms, that frame. This is a man built for cuddling. You just have to pray he'd use that power for good, not evil.
Fuckability: C-
I just get the feeling he'd be overly demanding and focused on himself. Also he's a cartoon, and I don't generally click on those sort of ads on the internet.
Overall: B
Austin McCormick - Garrett Celek
Romance: B-
He looks like a nice fellow but I can't shake the feeling he has a horrifying secret. You just can't look this normal without having a few skeletons in your closet.
Cuddlability: C
He's just too tall to have the versatility I'm looking for. An optimal cuddler can make things work in any setting, in any situation, but imagine this 6'5" frame in a japanese capsule hotel. It would be a nightmare.
Fuckability: A-
The problem about skeletons in your closet is that it somehow makes you more fuckable. Yeah I don't get it either, although I'm sure Freud would have something to say about it.
Overall: B-
Givussafare Rubbe - Tyron Smith
Romance: C
I could never love a man with a goatee. He barely seems to be smiling in most of these pictures too, which is always slightly worrisome. Although a lot of these are from articles about his injuries, which like, why would you be smiling, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt a little.
Cuddlability: B
His size could be an issue like Celek's, but I gotta imagine an offensive tackle knows how to cuddle. In a lot of ways their entire job is cuddling the d-line so they can't reach the QB, and you absolutely know that translates into the bedroom.
Fuckability: D-
Did I mention he has a goatee? next
Overall: C
Brave Ulysses - Bronko Nagurski
Romance: D
Bronko was born in 1908 which I think would make it difficult to relate on a romantic level. Also cause I'm a dude and I doubt he had extremely progressive opinions for his time.
Cuddlability: C?
I don't even know how people cuddled in the past. It's just difficult to compare across eras in sports, so I'll give him an average C and move on.
Fuckability: C+
I was going to give a lower rating, but look at this image (https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L9_-pWobUwU/VCn1NkGprLI/AAAAAAAACSM/4YGFaM3NkOU/s1600/Nagurski%2Band%2BWife%2BEileen%2B1936%2BHennipen%2BLibrary.tif). He's about to tear that thing up and she seems about it, so maybe my assumptions are wrong (impossible).
Overall: C
Magnus Rikiya - Rikiya Gao
Romance: F
This guy looks evil, or at least dispassionate. In this panel I'm looking at he's saying "If I break this guy, I break his pitiful strategy" and that is just not the type of man I'm looking to spend my life with.
Cuddlability: D-
This looks like a man who uses his cuddle powers for evil and that's a shame.
Fuckability: F
No, I'm just scared.
Overall: F
Quenton Bode - Chad Greenway
Romance: D+
I just can't see it. He doesn't look like a serial killer or anything, But I feel like this guy is more likely to shove me in a locker in high school than kiss me. Or even worse, kiss me then shove me in a locker. You know, kind of like a Perks of Being a Wallflower deal. Man that sucks, fuck internalized homophobia. what was I talking about? Oh yeah. He looks like a prototypical Chad, thus the rating.
Cuddlability: B+
He's got nice broad shoulders which is a cornerstone of high class big spoons. You have to imagine he refuses to be the little spoon though, even when he needs it, which breaks my heart.
Fuckability: B+
I don't know, he's oddly fuckable though. And it looks like he has a bunch of kids, so I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Overall: B-
Mason Blaylock - Jim Leonhard
Romance: B
This guy's pretty handsome. And he's a coach too, so he probably has above-average communication skills. But you always worry a coach is going to try to explain too much and tell you how to do things and that's rarely an attractive quality for a romantic partner.
Cuddlability: C-
I don't know why, but this guy can't cuddle. I feel it in my bones. He tries but he's just bad at it, for sure.
Fuckability: B-
He's alright looking and you gotta believe he has a gameplan in the bedroom, which can be nice. But on the flipside, you have to assume he lacks spontaneity. There's nothing less interesting than a lover calling the same plays over and over. Come on, learn to live a little Jim.
Overall: B-
David Rector - Jason Sehorn
Romance: D-
Nah man, I don't trust this dude at all. Don't know why, but I'm not about it.
Cuddlability: B-
This one could really go either way. He's a bit older than a lot of these fellows, so he's surely got experience. But I can't shake the feeling that Jason only cuddles for himself.
Fuckability: D
Nah.
Overall: D+
Second Line overall score: C
Toriki was such a promising start, but the second line just couldn't keep the momentum going for me. Two F ratings hurt them quite badly. They should try drafting more fuckable talent to attain their goal of topping my list.
(2200 Words)
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - bex - 10-09-2020
light, i am speechless
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - roastfuego - 10-09-2020
Kittle highest overall? Makes sense.
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - Lightnoir - 10-09-2020
plz don't fine me bex
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - goodfortunecoffee - 10-09-2020
I'm waiting for parts 2-7. This was incredible
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - Mooty99 - 10-09-2020
I am waiting for the DSFL version!
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - TomHanks - 10-09-2020
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - Pat - 10-09-2020
I can't wait for you to do Arizona versus anyone
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - Baron1898 - 10-09-2020
Of all the articles, this is certainly one of them
RE: ISFL Teams ranked by how hot their renders are - infinitempg - 10-09-2020
i... i dont know what i just read