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+---- Thread: *von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! (/showthread.php?tid=27311)
*von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! - Augustus von Heimlich - 11-12-2020
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, perhaps you have heard of me. I, Augustus von Heimlich, lawyer and professional agent, am now accepting propositions for work!
Are you getting cheated from a contract and deserve more money? Being mistreated by teammates and/or your coach? Are you in the midst of a horrific divorce with a wretched, pale woman who took both your children and stole your favorite tie to give to another man with larger hands (Barbara if you're reading this I hate you please let me see Lucy and MaryAnne please). Then look no further than I, Augustus von Heimlich, for all your lawerying needs!
As the agent for the prestigious and well-known Rich Triplet, I represent him, protecting him as a strong, masculine father figure. I watch over him as if he was a baby bird, needing nutrients through the form of regurgitated food bubbling from my mouth into his. But rather than warm, succulent seed-matter, I give him financial success and protection against those who would wrong him!
As a client, I promise to work the best I can to reach a solution that benefits YOU! Together, we will make money, lots of money, delicious money, and we will reach the heights of football stardom as best friends and allies. Do not feel scared, do not feel worried, for I am here to hold your much smaller hands in mine and walk this journey of life together.
Hope to hear back from you soon!
- Augustus von Heimlich.
RE: von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! - Kotasa - 11-12-2020
That's my lawyer!
RE: von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! - Vorshayla - 11-13-2020
I am an up and coming superstar in this league. What can you do for me? Too long have I been held back with 3 year entry level deals that pay too little!
You have intrigued me sir, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter!
RE: von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! - C9Van - 11-14-2020
Is it an issue if I am stupidly rich and fine with bare minimum contracts all my career cause I do not need the cash? (Hello GMs
lol)
RE: von Heimlich, Lawyer and Agent for YOU! - Augustus von Heimlich - 11-16-2020
(11-13-2020, 11:36 PM)Vorshayla Wrote: I am an up and coming superstar in this league. What can you do for me? Too long have I been held back with 3 year entry level deals that pay too little!
You have intrigued me sir, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter!
Great to meet you! Thanks for checking out my post.
As your lawyer, and agent in-progress (still need to work on getting an official license), I promise to represent you in any and all legal matters or matters related to your contract. With my strong, masculine hands, I will smash down the barriers that lie before you and your dreams. Team not giving what you deserve? Feel like you aren't getting the stats you want? Have a horrific, blond haired ex wife who won't let you see your two adorable twin daughters (I miss you Barbara PLEASE let me see them)? Then I, Augustus von Heimlich, am your man.