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+---- Thread: *Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts (/showthread.php?tid=28430)
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*Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - NicholasTheGreat - 12-24-2020
Hey, its me St. Nicholas.
Or maybe not.
But imma call myself St. Nicholas anyway and I want to welcome you to my Gift Giving ceremony but there’s a twist, I don’t like anybody so instead of giving out gifts that each team would really want, I’m going to give each team a present they will not enjoy. Something that will strongly impact the organisation as a whole. I am the anti-Santa.
[Please note, that this article is all in a joking manner and I don’t mean anything, it’s a joke]
International Simulation Football League [ISFL Teams]
Colorado Yeti – Banned From Free Agency
The Colorado Yeti have been building an increasingly strong team that has been Ultimus favourites for several seasons and one of the biggest factors of this is Colorado’s strength of picking up Free Agents. Throughout the last few seasons, Colorado have picked up Darrell Williams, Adelie de Pengu and Randy Vuxta, they were also really close to picking up Zamir Kehla until Zamir Zamir’d.
So, I’m now banning Colorado from Free Agency so they will struggle to replenish the roster and never make the Ultimus again!
Sarasota Sailfish – Frost is GM forever
This one is an incredibly simple one. Frost Sucks. #FireFrolf. So now Sarasota are stuck with the incapable Frost forever and ever and ever. Even if he goes IA, Frost is GM. Even if Frost deletes his account, Frost is GM. Even if Frost sends me death threats and tells someone to swallow hot knives, Frost is GM.
Frost 4eva.
Chicago Butchers – Give up all of your OL
Chicago is the current home of fair rubs as they currently have 5 contracted Offensive Lineman on their roster in Givussafarre Rubbe, Icebox Riboste, Julio Jones, Benson Bayley Jr. and Perry Tucker Jr. They also have Alexander Franklin in the DSFL biding his time. With all of this OL talent on one team, anti-Santa has decided to take all of it away and leave them only running bots. I don’t know why I am doing this but anti-Santa has spoken.
Baltimore Hawks – Anime is Banned
This one is pretty simple, Anime City Baltimore Maryland is now just Baltimore, Maryland. Anime is Banned and any worshipping, watching or discussing of it will lead to a 50% TPE penalty for each offence. Anti-Santa is now being worshipped as a hero again.
Yellowknife Wraiths – An Ultimus Loss
This one is pretty simple. Yellowknife is the 90’s Buffalo of the ISFL when they had 4 straight defeats in the ISFL Ultimus before finally breaking through. As a result, the one thing Yellowknife would not want in the entire world is another Ultimus loss which is just added to the pile.
Philadelphia Liberty – New General Managers: Ephenssta and Soup
Philadelphia was in need for new General Managers at the start of this season and anti-Santa is here to produce the worst possible options for the other Philadelphia Liberty players. The obvious answer is Ephenssta and Soup who both recently left the team in less then amicable fashion. Popping them back in as GM will lead to great turmoil and make anti-Santa happy.
Berlin Fire Salamanders – Relocating to America
Heck international teams. Heck calling yourself the ‘International Simulation Football League’. Heck specifically asking for international applicants and international plans. Anti-Santa is returning Berlin back to America, they are now the New Berlin Newts who play in New Berlin, Wisconsin. Heck the Internationals.
Orange County Otters – Also banned from Free Agency
After picking up Rotticus Scott, Brandon Booker and Heath Evans the past offseason, Anti-Santa has now decided to ban Orange Country from Free Agency as well. All the other teams deserve to be able to pick up players beside Orange County and Colorado.
Arizona Outlaws – Jay Cue is Quarterback Forever
The horrible quarterback Jay Cue will be the quarterback in Arizona for all time, even as he keeps regressing below the league minimum, Jay Cue will still be the quarterback. As a result the backup quarterback Cortez will be released and unable to be traded for assets. Jay Cue will be around foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Honolulu Hahalua – Can’t Draft Dallas Players and Get Audited Every Week
A double whammy from Anti-Santa. Honolulu are now unable to draft any players who have a history from the Dallas Birddogs because reasons. They also now get Audited every week and every player’s update has to go through the Auditor’s. Since there GM has a large disdain for the auditing team, he will get to know them well and appreciate them as he now has to deal with them each week.
Austin Copperheads – Can’t Change your General Manager Anymore
Austin have used a variety of general managers in recent seasons and as a result I am removing the ability to change their general manager. They will be able to pick 2 GM’s for the next 5 seasons and that’s it. Anti-Santa is even being nice and providing the opportunity for Austin to pick the GM’s, consider yourself lucky Austin!
New Orleans Second Line – Can’t Draft any More Running Backs
NOLA have a fascination for drafting and playing a wide variety of running backs and I am now BANNING it. NOLA can no longer draft running back’s but I am allowing them the ability to trade for and sign Running backs in FA. Fantasy stocks in Ben Slothlisberger have risen dramatically.
New York Silverbacks – Relocate to New Jersey
Just like all good New York teams, the Silverbacks are moving to jersey. Will they look back on their time in the big apple with pride? Forget about it.
The New Jersey Silverbacks will retain their branding and history, and just are leaving the city that never sleeps.
San Jose Sabercats - Must have 2 Offensive Lineman
This is the only actual present and gift in this entire media article. Offensive Lineman are a gift on the league and as the final hold outs, San Jose are yet to embrace the fair rubs. Now, they will be forced to play 2 human offensive lineman. Welcome to the future, nerds.
Developmental Simulation Football League
Bondi Beach Buccaneers – Relocate back to Palm Beach
The newly moved Bondi Beach Buccaneers are heading back to where they came from, Palm Beach. And will go back to using the Solar Bears name and logo. They will not be allowed to move again, ever.
Tijuana Luchadores – Removal of TH as DSFL Commissioner
TH can now no longer provider any alleged assistance to Tijuana. Could this be why they have won so many Ultiminis?
Dallas Birddogs – All players lose Twitter privileges
All players lose access to their twitter account and if they are able to regain it, must have their tweet approved by the Disney Corporation and can not be financially compensated for their tweets. Any tweet sent that goes against these rules leads to a 50% TPE penalty and Honolulu being audited again.
Norfolk Seawolves – Must Become an Open Locker Room
This is probably the one that scares the team the most. It is their biggest nightmare and is the most unlikely thing in this entire thread that includes the relocation of teams and the banning of anime. Norfolk now welcomes one and all to their locker room and it becomes a joyous environment, Scorp leaves.
London Royals – Must Become a Closed Locker Room
On the flip side, London is shutting up shop and is removing all non-players and essential non players from its locker room. They have decided to become a closed environment and will only have players on their team. Scorp Joins.
Minnesota Grey Ducks – Chocolate Milk is banned
Around the world, all chocolate milk and chocolate milk flavouring is now banned. Hot Chocolates? Banned. Iced Chocolates? Banned. Milo? Banned. Breaking this rule will result in a 50% TPE penalty and Honolulu being audited again.
Portland Pythons – Go back to the previous logo
Portland is going back to the previous logo which some people referred to as the ‘poop snake’. They will not be allowed to change their logo ever again. Long live the orange and black.
Kansas City Coyotes – Anime is Also Banned
See Baltimore.
There you have it, all teams have now received their Christmas presents from the anti-santa, the not so saint Nicholas the Great.
I hope you all have a great Christmas, holiday, December 25th and enjoy the new year. Hopefully 2021 isn’t a giant meme.
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - MisObvious - 12-24-2020
fr?
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - Memento Mori - 12-24-2020
Does this mean I can leave OCO and become a free agent again?
Please say yes
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - Matty7478 - 12-24-2020
I am glad for the presents SJS has earned here today
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - zaynzk - 12-24-2020
But but but Birddogs go Tweetwoof, the heck am I supposed to do now
Also Solar Bears > Buccaneers
Real Punishment is for you to unblock me on Twitter if your not too scared
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - infinitempg - 12-24-2020
smh gib NJ team
also never forget when the yeti signed 0 free agents over a like 10 season span
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - Southie - 12-24-2020
(12-24-2020, 06:12 AM)NicholasTheGreat Wrote: Minnesota Grey Ducks – Chocolate Milk is banned
Around the world, all chocolate milk and chocolate milk flavouring is now banned. Hot Chocolates? Banned. Iced Chocolates? Banned. Milo? Banned. Breaking this rule will result in a 50% TPE penalty and Honolulu being audited again.
What if I'm eating a piece of chocolate cake and driking a glass of milk, can I dip the cake in the milk or will I get fined?
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - Crodyman - 12-24-2020
CHOCCY MILK banned?
. . . everything is proceeding exactly as I have forseen. . .
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - SwankyPants31 - 12-24-2020
We lose TH but get to keep the closed locker room?
It's a Christmas miracle.
RE: Not so Saint Nicholas's Bad Christmas Gifts - timeconsumer - 12-24-2020
Jersey would be pretty funny branding