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+---- Thread: *My Time at the University of Shrumbino (/showthread.php?tid=30368)
*My Time at the University of Shrumbino - Augustus von Heimlich - 03-02-2021
When I was a small child, I never thought I would grow up to become the ISFL's most esteemed and powerful lawyer, but here I am. You see, I come from humble beginnings, but that is for another day. Today, I'd like to share but a fraction of history from my fantastic time at the world's best university for Football Lawyers; the University of Shrumbino.
When Jeff Bezos first created this university, no one believed it would succeed. But Bezos, in his bald and calculating way, knew it would become an institution of winners. An institution where the minds of lawyers focusing on defending their clients from libel and slander would prosper; where young, big handed men and women could join together and thrive. Thus, Shrumbino was born. Located amongst the Himalayan mountains next to the first monk sanctuary, the university would offer a testing ground for those seeking to change the legal world of football.
While I plan to spend much time writing about my experience there, I'd like to focus on my friendship with Jeff Bezos himself. You see, when we first met, he held my hands. My boisterous, impeding, and soft yet real hands. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Augustus, one day when you get your first client, you will shine like a beacon in the darkness. This client, whom I forsee to be a strong player in the league, will offer upon you bountiful riches." My friends, Bezos was right, and I was granted with the esteemed and powerful Rich Triplet.
While Mr. Triplet's hands are no where near as masculine and strong as mine, they are genuine. And with that same genuineness in his attitude I strive to always protect him from harm. Jeff and I used to sit together at the cafe and speak in depth about how the world of football needs a change. It needs a person to defend the players from evil doers. It needs what I lack in life; a loving partner.
Do you read this, my horrible ex wife? Do you read how I need you right now with my two children? How I need to hold you all in my beautiful hands and tell you how much I love you? You don't do you. You can't read because you are a witch. A demon, a vile horrific woman who took everything away from me. One day I will smite you a curse in which all you hold dear will fall into the depths of hell you evil vile woman.
I'm sorry, all I can think about is her. More to come on Jeff Bezos and I later.
RE: My Time at the University of Shrumbino - Kotasa - 03-02-2021
Amazing article! That is my lawyer! Glad you went to such a good school!
RE: My Time at the University of Shrumbino - slate - 03-02-2021
Gib Chili's
RE: My Time at the University of Shrumbino - Augustus von Heimlich - 03-02-2021
(03-02-2021, 07:29 PM)slate Wrote: Gib Chili'sSorry my friend, the Chili's coupon is mine. In fact, it's hanging on my wall right behind me, enveloped in a nice glass frame.
Fun fact: during the divorce hearings my horrible ex wife tried to take the coupon away from me. She failed. Another win for the esteemed Augustus von Heimlich.
RE: *My Time at the University of Shrumbino - Bayley - 03-03-2021
We need a Augustus von Heimlich Agency ASAP.