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+---- Thread: *Grading the Draft (/showthread.php?tid=4378)
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*Grading the Draft - Archon - 09-08-2017
Hello sports fans! This is your friendly neighborhood sports agent, Archibald Archipelago Archon. Due to it being "suggested" by the Wraiths front office that I focus on more serious analysis, I have decided to grade the Season 3 NSFL Draft. With some further ado, I will be looking at whether teams improved their stock with their picks or if they are cursed to the realm of irrelevance, irreverence, and being suck. Now without further ado, here are the grades.
1.
choose Antonio SandovalThe brother of avowed national socialist Ricardo "Lucy you've got some 'splaining to do" Sandoval, Antonio Sandoval has less personality than the fungus growing in your mother's nether regions. A welcome addition to a team more boring than a three hour visit to the DMV. (editor's note to Noble: in several years when you are 16, you will go to the DMV to get a driver's license.) He may have the TPE but is was that worth trading erotic NSFL fan fiction about a steamy night of passion between Jayce Tuck and Dan Miller to the Outlaws to get the #1 pick? Dubious.
Grade: F
2.
choose Godfrey KingTrade away your #1 pick to be stuck with Godfrey King? This DT got the Outlaws DP'd. (editor's note to Noble: in several years when you have sex ed class, you will find that when two men and a woman love each other very much, they have epic threeway coitus and their love penetrates the soul twice.) King is known for siphoning proceeds of the trading card racket into a personal slush fund in order to finance his collection of rare hentai. If being a weeb is a crime, King is definitely an Outlaw.
Grade: D-
3.
choose Brice BoggsThere was Wade Boggs who was a decent baseball player, that Boggs guy from Shawshank Redemption who was totally awesome but then he got punked by the police, the Boggs guy who made maps look like fat women bending over in spandex and then there's Brice Boggs. While he is the worst of the Boggs, is he the best of a largely lackluster draft class? Boggs was apparently miffed that he was not drafted first overall, with derisive words being reserved for the mental and physical capabilities of the top two choices. Perhaps it is fitting that he is drafted by the Wraiths, whose unpronounceable team name for anyone with a lisp shows their indifference to the magically abled.
Grade: F+
4.
choose Benson BayleyIf I was stuck on Bayley Island I'd saw my leg off. I'd call him Dutch but I don't want to get in trouble for using an offensive slur. I'm not saying the Netherlands are a shithole, but... actually, I am calling it a shithole. Bayley spews so much shit out of his mouth that his ass is jealous. While he did correctly advise the Outlaws to take the GOAT OL as pick 8 that does not excuse the asinine ruminations which emanate from his well-used throat. I'd say he puts the anal in analysis but that would imply that he gave a shit about any of the nonsense he spews out.
Grade: F
5.
choose Iyah BlewittYouah blew it all right, blew it back up all over his stomach. Since the mewcats didn't get enough shitpicking with Bayley they decided to double down on incompetence and draft a kicker in the first round. He should be getting plenty of playtime though kicking punts since the cats' anemic offense lacks the ability to convert on third down. Or second down. Or first down. Despite this, their management has plenty of Down's.
Grade: F
6.
choose Julian O'SullivanGreat, another potato eater. Actually a distant relative of Dermot due to extensive inbreeding in the Emerald Isle. O'Sullivan was only afforded entry to the league due to an endorsement by the far superior Kristy95. The Otters love a rag to riches story but this draftee will be in rags for at least 5 seasons. Investment!
Grade: D-
7.
choose Ricardo SandovalStandartenfurher Sandoval loves colorful players as long as that color is white. Obviously that $2 million fine came directly out of the draft research budget for the Hawks to go ham on this turkey. His plagiarism helped the Hawks get off to an early start to cheating this season, so you have to respect the initiative. Who knows what new heights they can reach once Sandoval enrolls in advanced speech and debate class?
Grade: F-
8.
choose Franklin Harris, Jr.The one that could have been. I have been directed by Wraiths management to praise this pick since it very easily could have been my client Francois Lamoreux in this slot but a general lack of interest in playing for an already-dominant team caused the Outlaws to pass him up. It is also heavily rumored that ErMurazor was promised sexychat by bzerkap in order to make this happen. This is the only freebie allotted to the Outlaws, expect calamity in future pieces.
Grade: B+
9.
choose Francois LamoreuxThe Wraiths are being brought up on charges of grand theft for stealing the premiere offensive lineman in the league in the 9th pick. Only downside is his proclivity to post not safe for work ASCII art in the locker room. Upsides include his debonair demeanor, loquacious lifestyle, and penchant for perfidiousness but never perniciousness. Rumor has it the Hawks were offering draft picks in order for Lamoreux to not be picked up but fortunately bzerkap knows a good deal when he sees one and turned down that good deal in order to draft my client.
Grade: A+
10:
choose Mr. IrrelevantSeriously, who? Does anyone care about who gets drafted 10th and beyond? I think if you're able to register on the site you stand a great chance of being drafted 10th. As a fourth string backup to the longsnapper, whoever was drafted 10th could command a solid $10,000 salary. Don't spend it all in one place, whoever you are.
Grade: F
11 through 66
I don't cover the DSFL draft.
1017 words.
GRADED
*Grading the Draft - Bzerkap - 09-08-2017
Wow great analysis. Much respect generated towards Outlaws
*Grading the Draft - ErMurazor - 09-08-2017
(09-08-2017, 05:06 PM)Bzerkap Wrote:Wow great analysis. Much respect generated towards Outlaws
I'm still waiting Bzer... :wub:
*Grading the Draft - cosbornballboy - 09-08-2017
(09-08-2017, 03:53 PM)Archon Wrote:9.
The Wraiths are being brought up on charges of grand theft for stealing the premiere offensive lineman in the league in the 9th pick. Only downside is his proclivity to post not safe for work ASCII art in the locker room. Upsides include his debonair demeanor, loquacious lifestyle, and penchant for perfidiousness but never perniciousness. Rumor has it the Hawks were offering draft picks in order for Lamoreux to not be picked up but fortunately bzerkap knows a good deal when he sees one and turned down that good deal in order to draft my client.
Grade: A+
*sighs* such a shame to see reporters losing credibility left and right these days
*Grading the Draft - bovovovo - 09-08-2017
This is probably the most objective and high quality post-draft analysis this league has ever seen
*Grading the Draft - timeconsumer - 09-08-2017
(09-08-2017, 08:19 PM)cosbornballboy Wrote:*sighs* such a shame to see reporters losing credibility left and right these days
You're confusing media with journalism. There's a difference.
*Grading the Draft - DeathOnReddit - 09-08-2017
These have actually been the worst articles Ive ever read. I have lost millions of brain cells from reading the garbage you write. I am actually quite sad on how low my iq has become.
And your grades suck.
Like your player
*Grading the Draft - Noble - 09-08-2017
A double diss on me damn, you'll have to strike harder to hurt though baby
*Grading the Draft - cosbornballboy - 09-08-2017
(09-08-2017, 04:41 PM)timeconsumer Wrote:You're confusing media with journalism. There's a difference.
Ah yes. Media stirs up controversy, journalism reports fairly on it. My bad.
*Grading the Draft - Rindiee - 09-08-2017
Great analysis as usual, you French bastard!