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+---- Thread: *Scandal in Baltimore (/showthread.php?tid=4490)
*Scandal in Baltimore - Archon - 09-11-2017
On a snow kissed mountainside in the rural Canadian frontier, a wooden shack stands atop a knoll surrounded by tall trees. A bird chirps in the distance, setting the scene for an idyllic countryside scene out of one of thousands of Thomas Kinkade prints to be sold at high premiums to aspiring art investors. This peaceful atmosphere is about to be shattered by a scandal so pertinent as to necessitate a long and irrelevant exposition. A large antenna extends from the shack into the empty blue sky. It is the broadcast center of Radio Free Yellowknife, the premier independent station reaching the vast distance between Ottawa and Toronto.
"Good afternoon Canada, eh! This is your friendly host Jermain Bissleboc, and I am here with Archibald Archipelago Archon, sports agent for offensive lineman Francois Lamoreux of our own Yellowknife Wraiths. Mr. Archon has insisted I use his middle name in introducing him in order to receive an extra $1,000 kickback from the league. Whoever came up with that funding scheme must have had some great ganja, eh? He should send some up here! Well I tell you, Mr. Archon here is no hoser, and he's got an important announcement so listen up, eh? Go ahead, friend."
"Thank you Jermain, I'm up here in this god forsaken frozen hellhole in order to open up pertinent discussion relating to one of the first round draft picks of season 3. I have recently discovered at the same time as all of you the shocking news that Ricardo Sandoval may very well be an illegal immigrant and thus ineligible for employment by the NSFL. During his recent interview with Jack Mehoff, Sandoval revealed that his parents were deported for being here illegally and that he has thus far refused several requests to release a legitimate copy of the long form of his birth certificate or any other evidence that he has a legal right to work in the United States. Recall that Vladimir Putin's Soviet Viceroy of the United States Donald Trump has cracked down on immigration and declared the end of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals executive order which had provided shelter to criminal scum taking jobs away from honest true Americans like my client, French born Francois Lamoreux."
"Eh, that's a serious accusation eh? Isn't Ricardo Sandoval's younger brother Antonio Sandoval also a suspect of being in the United States illegally?"
"No, see I have been given an authentic copy of Antonio Sandoval's long form birth certificate, which I can show to you now. This does not really do anything for the listening public as they cannot see it, and in hindsight I probably should have given a television interview instead of a radio interview in order to showcase this important evidence."
Archon pulls out a folded copy of a birth certificate and shows it to Bissleboc.
[img src=\\\"https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/317388657994760194/356471450145914880/imageedit_2_6131703481.gif\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
Antonio Sandoval's long form birth certificate, proving he is a natural born US citizen
"You see, Jermain, there is no doubt that Antonio Sandoval is a citizen. But Ricardo constantly evades my inquiries and since I've been banned from the Hawks league offices in Baltimore I cannot get information from them."
"Eh, tell me eh, why is this such a big deal, eh?"
"Well, look at the Hawks player contracts. One would anticipate that a higher draft position would correlate to a better salary, right? It's why Brice Boggs was given a more lucrative contract than my client Francois Lamoreux, because Boggs was selected third and Francois got picked up ninth. On that contract list you see first rounder Ricardo Sandoval making the same amount as second rounder Trey Willie for two seasons, and actually making less than Willie for their third season. Trey Willie even has a no trade clause in his contract! Now you tell me why a first rounder would accept a lower contract than a second rounder? I'll tell you why, it's because Ricardo Sandoval admitted in the Jack Mehoff interview that he had to play in a sanctuary city like Baltimore and thus had less negotiating ability. Also, because he can evade federal income tax due to not being here legally in the first place, he can afford to accept a lower salary. It's absolutely scandalous, and Baltimore is engaged in unfair trade practices in order to bolster their roster with cheap foreign labor."
"Wow, that's quite a statement, eh? What do you think the league should do?"
"I'm not worried about the league, even though I am in contact with the Federal Trade Commission to investigate Baltimore's hiring practices. I don't see how Ricardo Sandoval can travel to any other non-sanctuary city to play without risking being arrested and deported. He can play for the Tijuana Luchadores but there's no way that Sheriff Joe Arpaio's old staff will let him set foot in the Outlaws stadium in Arizona without proper papers. And how is this guy going to get into Canada to play games here in Yellowknife? If he isn't a legal resident, he can't get a passport. I have tipped off the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to arrest Ricardo Sandoval as soon as he crosses into Canadian soil."
"Interesting, eh! So friend, so do you believe that the Hawks have been scamming the league in other ways?"
"Oh there is no question that the Hawks management is rotten to the core and dripping with corruption. They have stolen wins and titles from more deserving teams like the Wraiths through gaming the system and outright cheating. I love a good cheating as much as the next guy, but the worst part is their outright lack of shame about their ill gotten gains. They can brag with a straight face about beating the Wraiths in the NSFC title game when an administrative error credited one of their players with an additional 275 TPE. Since their cheating ways have been exposed they have to come up with new creative ways to carve out unfair advantages at the expense of better teams. The latest example is their hideous new team logo which was widely ridiculed by everyone else in the league. Who designed this atrocious abortion? None other than their cheap illegal labor, Ricardo Sandoval. Every time you look at the poorly designed Hawks logo, you can think about all the exploitation of poor migrants they engage in, all for the glorification of their massive egos."
"Oh wow, eh, we will have to see what happens with this. Stay tuned on Radio Free Yellowknife for a Gordon Lightfoot marathon up next. Thank you Mr. Archon for coming on the show."
1,098 scandal-exposing words
GRADED
*Scandal in Baltimore - Bzerkap - 09-11-2017
What a scandal! Amazing!
*Scandal in Baltimore - TheMemeMaestro - 09-11-2017
I am legal
*Scandal in Baltimore - cosbornballboy - 09-11-2017
DACA, gotta love it
*Scandal in Baltimore - liam2105 - 09-11-2017
Scandalous!