*The Real Fake Awards Show

[HalfEatenOnionBagel]

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[div align=\\\"center\\\"]Hey hey hey, hello and welcome to the S2 real fake awards. Yes that's right it's channel 407’s preseason awards! The award show you didn't actually think you needed but hey you're still here watching.









I’m your host, HalfEatenOnionBagel and let me tell you, I have no idea what we have in store for you. No seriously, after all the grading changes, I knew I needed to make a lot more money any way that I could. I saw a posting in the newspaper, came down here to Channel 407’s station, which I think is just an abandoned warehouse…..and they handed me this script like 5 minutes ago. But hey, everyone loves awards shows, this will be great!





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There is always quite a bit of fanfare made about the preseason and for good reason! I mean the preseason is definitely an indicator of how good your team will do of course! Everyone knows that! As a Detroit Lions fan I can tell you just how good we did the last time we went 4-0 in the preseason.









<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>I may still be smiling right now because I'm getting paid to but inside my soul is a gaping black hole right now! hehehe {eye twitch}




Anyways, this year as always, our awards are brought to you in part by Real Fake Doors. Doors as fake as these awards but let me tell you they both look fantastic in your home or trophy case! We have a lot of other great sponsors that have made this show possible, and I can see why because this place is a mess and have provided some trophies and prizes for the award winners.



So here’s a quick word from Real Fake Doors and then we will get into the awards!
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Ok the first award is the Best Coverage Award presented by Natural Wool. For the best coverage when you're cold you can't beat real, all natural wool. From hats, to gloves, to blankets and coats, let Natural Wool help you keep being a true fan even in the Winter, or every day if you’re in Yellowknife.









Yeah, close enough I guess?




<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>Well the best coverage award goes to the Outlaws secondary. With 6 interceptions, these guys put on a clinic, blanketing receivers all across the field and just being a general nightmare for quarterbacks. And so here is a trophy for what we are dubbing the White on Rice Boys!









Ah I get it, NFL legend Lendale White on a bowl of rice, clever. Well that looks terrible……but enjoy it.





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Ok next up is the personal space award given to the offensive line that did a great job giving the QB time in the pocket. This award is presented by Personal Space, the show just about that.</span>





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No no no, you've gotta be kidding me please tell me they cut the feed during that commercial. No? Are you serious? Still live, oh geez.






So yeah that just happened uh...right the award goes to the offensive line of the Baltimore Hawks! This fearsome quintet put together an impressive showing this preseason, giving up only 5 sacks over the four preseason games, that is impressive. I am certain that Baltimore's QB Scrub Kyubee is thankful for all the personal space he had in the pocket as well as plenty of room for activities. Nothing like a solid brick wall to keep the defenders at bay my grandma always said…..well not my grandma of course…I guess the guy who wrote this script maybe?



And it looks like Personal Space has also provided as a prize, it’s a ….what the heck that guy’s skin? They have included a note saying: “I mean it doesn’t seem like he needs it anymore. Why not fashion it into a nice….hat?”




A HAT?!? What the F@$%?!? Wait, you’re gonna censor me when I say F@#% BUT THESE ADVERTISEMENTS ALL MADE THE CU-












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Uhhh right well, the next award is the Sticky Hands Award presented by Jerry Rice and Nitus's Dog Football.









Yes, for the closest thing you can get to the king of sticky hands himself, you won't want to miss out on this one. Just make sure you don't.....ruff....the passer.









And the winner is the Otters Bradley Phelps who had a fantastic preseason. He snagged an impressive 24 receptions this preseason. He was always there for a big play when OC needed him to move those chains. I think he’s got a strong chance to make the Pro Bowl this season.




Your award is this jar of peanut butter. Because peanut butter is sticky, I guess. Look at this point I just don't really question these. Our sponsor writes: "You don't even have to eat it, just take the peanut butter. Why is there even a mandate to give an award, you think we made money off that game? I don’t know give the peanut butter to your dog or something, isn't that what this damn game was about anyways?"





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Our next award is the Big Arm award presented by Anchor Arms! Anchor Arms: you're not a wimp you're a jerk but at least you've got a big arm to get it off quickly…… ok soooo we're just gonna ignore the phrasing on that one? Yeah ok of course we are…










This award goes to QB Ethan Hunt of the San Jose Sabrecats for his impressive 5 TD performance in week 2 of the preseason against the Philadelphia Liberty. And just like Anchor Arms, his stats for that game were inflated because he was playing against a bunch of bots. Hahahaha is there any better way to win a fake award?




And as an award of course you’re getting your own set of Anchor Arms. Trust me kid after last year, don't let this game inflate your ego too much.




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Ok our next award is a pretty unique award: it's the Slippery Fish award presented by Big Mouth Billy Bass! Hey, I loved that silly singing fish when I was a kid!




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<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>So it's ok for the fish to say that S#!% but not me?




This award goes to an extremely elusive player that defenses just couldn't get a hold of! In week 3 of the preseason, this player literally dragged his team to victory in dramatic fashion. Even once of the best defenders in the league couldn't take this guy down. That's right, Bradley Phelps you're our winner once again. Man this guy sure does win a lot of stuff! Except an Ultimus Trophy of course!





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Our next award is the Best GMs award presented by Tough Acting Tinactin, for an athlete’s foot cream that works as hard as you
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Honestly that may be the worst ad that we’ve seen this entire night……




<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>And the award goes to @adam2552 and @Silver Fox, GMs for the Phildelphia Liberty. These two had a lot to deal with over the course of the offseason with the new team including two drafts and a whole lot of drama. But, they’ve managed to pull together a very young but very promising team. They definitely deserve some praise for their efforts and we look forward to seeing how this team does in the future.




As a prize we’re giving you some tough actin Tinactin and some Anti Monkey Butt powder, two things you need to get through the chafing that comes along with a tough season.






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Our penultimate award is the Prime Time Player Award (PTP) presented by Gary’s Mattress, because apparently we just take money from anybody.





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<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>I'm telling you I don't care if he's a sponsor, please don't go buy a mattress from that man.




This award goes to the MVP from the preseason! And this award goes to Darlane Farlane who had an incredible preseason, racking up 409 rushing yards. Seriously this guy was like the entire offense for the Hawks, and he's only a rookie! I hope you took this guy in your fantasy draft because he’s about to set the league on fire in the regular season!




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The award you've all been waiting for….. it's the Real Fake Award. The award for the best real fake player, yes for the best bot…the best bot, really? Ok, so the bot who performed the best. Because that is what everybody has been just waiting for this whole time I’m sure. And it goes to:
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Oh ok, drumroll nice










Well really building this one up are we?









Seriously, was the whole budget for this or something?





And it goes to…..ok you know what?




(Angrily tears up script and throws it on the ground. We'll never know who won the last award even though it was obviously going to Big Bot)




Yup that’s it I’m done with this!




Hopefully nobody actually watched this garbage. I apologize on behalf of myself because really I have nobody else to blame, I should never have come here. Kids let this be a lesson, go to college, get a real job for goodness sake don't end up like me. This has all been some cruel, sick joke. And really does any of this even matter? I mean for all we know this all could just be some simulation in a computer. Wake up people! I mean sub 4.0 40 yard dash times in the combine? Doesn’t that seem suspi-








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((Word Count: 1,612 , ready for grading))

Mentioned:
@DrunkenTeddy
@Gwdaja
@daBenchwarmer


GRADED

[Noble]

What did I just read

[Admin]

Zobot Bigboy17 got robbed

[WinstonKodogo]

Whatever drugs you are on can I get some?

[HalfEatenOnionBagel]

Zobot Bigboy17 got robbed

I think that's something we can all agree on

[DrunkenTeddy]

Who tf is Bradley Phelps? He sounds charming.

[timeconsumer]

Who tf is Bradley Phelps? He sounds charming.

Scientists are currently working on a way to build a hybrid between Robert Phelps and Bradley Westfield/

[sapp2013]

Scientists are currently working on a way to build a hybrid between Robert Phelps and Bradley Westfield/

or maybe he just forgot what his real name is. You never know with all of those concussions.

[Gwdaja]

Awesome piece, thanks for the mention!!!