*A Sickening Season Opener

[Jiggly_333]

This Sunday, the Orange County Otters started their season with a bang, with a massive 23-7 win against the San Jose Sabercats. Everything seemed to be ready and clicking for the Otters. Except for one player. That player was Tegan Atwell, who did not appear to be quite herself during the game. For those watching at home, it seemed as though she was just not performing the way she has been the past few seasons. Maybe the magic was gone. Maybe her body was just not meant for football*. But those who assumed the worst were mistaken.

Eyewitness accounts from people near and on the sidelines have come in that there was a reason for Atwell's drop in performance.

"Right after the opening kick-off, she just walked behind the bench and puked."

While many have described her electrifying play on the field as "sick", this Sunday Tegan Atwell was genuinely ill on the field. According to accounts, she spent much of the game behind that bench. After hiding it from the trainers and coaches for the first quarter and a half, she was eventually confronted by the coach about it. When told to go to the locker room, Atwell threatened the coach, yelling about how much this first game back in orange mattered to her. The moment was cut short as she quickly ran back to her spot behind the bench.

"I figured, 'It's her body,'" said coach Time Consumer, "I mean, if she wants to try and kill herself on the field, that's on her. I gave her the option to come out and she wouldn't let me."

Although commendable, this was no "Jordan Flu Game" for Atwell. Finishing the game with only 5 catches for 37 yards, the only bright spot for her was a kick-off return in the second quarter which she took for 42 yards. Unfortunately, it was a low point for the defender who tackled her, who got a small but substantial amount of bile on his jersey.

"It's not gonna wash out very easily."

So what was happening with Tegan Atwell this Sunday? Could it have been nerves from going out in front of a crowd that she had seemingly betrayed in the previous season? Was it just her time of the month*? Could she have been poisoned by the opposing team?

"It doesn't matter. I'll be ready for next week no matter what. Also, remember to always get your flu shots, kids."

Code:

400 words

*These sentences are marked as a satire on the treatment of women in traditional sports media. Never say these things about a woman.

[iamslm22]

All I hear? An excuse for a bad game

[nunccoepi]

So what was happening with Tegan Atwell this Sunday?

She pregnant

[YoungTB]

She pregnant

[Jiggly_333]

She pregnant

She's a single lesbian, so I'm sure that would very much be a shock to her.

[AdamS]

It was definitely Crush.

[PDXBaller]

I think it was Dermott since she spent last season in YK.

[kckolbe]

Who could have ever expected that going from being the #1 WR for a good QB to being the #2 for a worse QB could result in a drop off?

Enjoy mediocrity, Atwell.

[iamslm22]

Who could have ever expected that going from being the #1 WR for a good QB to being the #2 for a worse QB could result in a drop off?

Enjoy mediocrity, Atwell.

Very very true. She won't be a stud this season at all

[speculadora]

Yeahhh, two consecutive finishes as a top 5 receiver with Crush and Westy on the roster beg to differ, but you guys are welcome to continue with the transparent attempts to make Jiggly question coming back to OCO.