(S4) - PT #5 - The Big House

[Roly]

Darren Morris likes a good drink, and likes a good time out with the boys after a game – especially after a win. Back at the University of Oklahoma where Morris spent his college football days, Morris and his team mates were frequently spotted at local bars and clubs after a successful home game. The problem with drinking? It has to come out, and when it does it sneaks up all of a sudden. So it was that Morris, after another fun night out, stumbled down a dark alley to take a piss.

He was barely half way through, stream still flowing, when the red and blue lights started going. Turns out, you aren’t allowed to pee in public. Especially not on a courthouse. None of the cops were impressed, the judge either. However, the judge was somewhat lenient, probably from being a Sooners fan, letting him do some community service rather than tarnish his record. After a month of serving soup at the local kitchen, Morris served his brief sentence and was released of his service. Lesson learned for Darren Morris – always find a washroom rather than a courthouse down a dark alley. His peeing in public days are behind him, or so he told the judge.

Code:

207 words

[HENDRIX]

Kurt Hendrix went years without returning to the iron bar hotel. Ever since he was a teenager growing up in LA he hasn't had to serve any time, until this past offseason that is. It is no secret that Kurt likes to spend his money. From yachts, to gambling, to mansions, women, and exotic cars. One thing he does with those cars is race them, not on a closed course, but in the streets of LA Fast and Furious style. After his arrest, it was revealed Kurt used to take part in an underground street racing club, there was a race every weekend for high stakes, the winner of the race received a payment of $1M in cash. After a few failures from engine problems or flat tires, Kurt finally got his Porsche GT into a commanding position. Unfortunately, driving in excess of 130 mph in public streets attracts a lot of attention, a bystander called the cops and reported the 15+ super cars ripping through the city. Kurt was so far out in front that he was the first one to run over the spike strip ahead of the police road block. All four tires blew out and his car rolled to a stop. He was back in a car soon after, but this time it was in handcuffs on the way to jail. (225)

[SwagSloth]

I was arrested. And you ask why? Giving alcohol to minors. Well, no. Not really. I was arrested for some bullshit, but they’re telling everyone it was for giving alcohol to minors. Even though, as I just said, that’s not at all what happened. It was just a big misunderstanding and a bunch of bullshit. Plus, even if I did give those girls alcohol... which I didn’t, but even if I did… They said they were 22. And they looked 22. Did you see those girls? No way they were only 19. I mean maybe you might think that, but there was no way that was their actual age. I mean, yes, they were technically 19, but that wasn’t what they told me. And even if I were to admit that they were, which I am not… but even so, they straight up lied about it. Like I said, they said they were 22. You can’t just lie about your age. If anything, that should be the thing that’s illegal. Plus, back in Canada, the drinking age is 19 anyway, so I should be in the clear. That said, how was I supposed to know I somehow ended up in a different province. I can’t be held responsible for where I wake up after blacking out drunk. It’s not my fault they put these provinces so close together. If I drove into another province while black-out drunk, I don’t see how that should be held against me.

Wait a minute. It was drinking and driving. Those girls weren’t even charged. Maybe they really were 22? Also, since when is drinking and driving illegal in Canada?

275 Words

[Yurt6]

Today was a dark chapter in the story of Clifford Rove. Why you may ask? Because he was arrested, for driving over the speed limit. Going home from practice, Clifford was driving on the highway at a reported sixty six miles an hour, a whopping one mile an hour over the speed limit. However, that was apparently enough grounds for Officer James Richardson to pull Rove over, and arrest him. In what is now being labeled an insane abuse of power by the officer, Richardson proceeded to put Rove in the back of a squad car, and drive him to the police station.

While arguing over the seemingly ridiculous arrest, Rove was also cited for his behavior. With his trial coming up soon, Rove reiterated that the charge was ridiculous, and he assumed that it would be dropped. He says he also hopes that the force takes a long look at officer Richardson, who seems to need to sharpen his professional skills. The Philly police chief said that they are looking into the matter, but many residents question whether any punishment will be handed out. I know most Liberty fans certainly hope that there will be, and if not there is sure to be outrage.

Code:

205 Words

[Daybe]

Brice Boggs was recently caught with incredibly high amounts of alcohol in his bloodstream. After the Yeti's first win of the season, a home win over the Baltimore Hawks, Boggs thought he owed himself a night of partying. So he went down to the club, got in, and just hung out. Eventually he was bored until he ran into Jarrin Jones, a former teammate of his on the Florida Gators. Excited to meet him, they decided to have a little fun competition. This competition was to see how many drinks one could have without passing out. Boggs went first; he had three shots of vodka. Jones, a great drinker, followed it up with 4 shots. On and on went this crazy game until Boggs was starting to see blurrily. He went into the bathroom and threw up twice. He decided that his head was killing him and that he was going to go home. He said goodbye to Jones and called for an Uber. During the ride home, he fell asleep in the car, trying to wear off some of the alcohol. Little did he know, there were cop cars with sirens wailing right behind. The uber driver was arrested, and the cops found eighteen ounces of marijuana in the back of the car. They shook Boggs to wake him up, but he was out cold. They took him out, ran a blood test, and saw that he was at dangerously high alcohol levels. They quickly rushed him to the hospital, where they were able to get Boggs ready. Once Boggs was out of the hospital, he had his driver's licence revoked and had to do 50 hours of community service. It was a lighter punishment than what Boggs had expected, but he washed the incident out of his mind.

[RedCydranth]

Marc Spector is too good of a thief to ever get caught stealing or trespassing. He's been accused before but no charges have ever stuck. Part of being one of the greatest cat burglars in the unknown history of the country involves being very meticulous and thorough with scouting, preparation and an in depth knowledge of forensics and criminology. As an established archaeologist, attention to even the most minute of detail is vitally important to any job, be it infiltrating an ancient ruin or a museum of antiquity. So, when Marc has been taken into authorities for questioning, he's generally cavalier in his responses because he knows that either he has removed all traces of his presence at the site in question, or he was never actually there and the authorities are throwing darts in the dark hoping one sticks. The only reason he is even on a watch list is because a former associate of his tried to frame him for a particularly famous heist in Schenectady, New York and Marc was careless enough to leave a trace he was there. But it was never proven in a court of law he was actually involved in the heist, or that he had any knowledge of the whereabouts of the stolen goods. His high profile lawyer, paid by his ultra rich father, was able to get the jury to believe he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Reasonable Doubt is a beautiful thing.

(246 words)

[kckolbe]

“While I was trying to make a point about the situation, I will admit that my actions were inappropriate.” That was just one snippet of the press release from Kevin Cushing, following his arrest for indecent exposure and removal from a players and owners meeting/fundraiser. The Philadelphia cornerback engaged in a debate that witnesses understatedly referred to as heated. While details of the conversation have not been released, it seems that the dispute was over authorities and the ability to deviate from the NSFL rulebook. Cushing reportedly accused the official as being solely concerned with “slapping his dick on the table.” The accusation raised plenty of eyebrows on its own, but then Cushing proceeded with a demonstration. According to witnesses, Cushing allegedly grabbed a menu, and acted as though it were a package of evidence being submitted along with a claim of wrongdoing. He then set the menu on the table, unzipped his fly, and placed his penis atop the menu, covering up almost half of the appetizers section. “Well!” he exclaimed. “Sounds like there are some pretty serious charges here. I better take a look at all this evidence!” He made a show of looking down at the partially obscured menu before throwing his hands up in defeat. “Well, *I* don’t see any evidence!” he said, though it was noted that the overwhelming majority of the menu was clearly visible.

[mmfootball]

[run_CMC]

Dean Jackson is many things, but a chef? Not at all. Late Wednesday night, Dean was attempting to bake a cake to celebrate Tijuana's 5 game win streak that now had them tied for the top of the conference. Unfortunately for him, he managed to spill the entire bag of flour all over the counter. Deciding that a cake was not worth it, he ended up ordering a pizza and sitting down to watch some "Scrubs" reruns, telling himself he'd clean up the flour later. This was his mistake.
About 10 minutes later, Dean awoke from his nap (Scrubs still playing on TV) to police busting down his door and rushing into his apartment. They took one look at the white substance covering his kitchen and decided they had the right house. Dean was quickly sent to the ground and handcuffed before being thrown into a police car, very confused the whole time.
In the end, things were cleared up and Dean Jackson walked free. The police got the wrong address for an attempted drug bust, and they realized this as soon as they reached the station. Things were complicated slightly by Jackson's American citizenship, but it all turned out well, minus his door.
Dean now has a phobia of spilled flour.

(212 words)

[manicmav36]

It was a cool November morning, with the crisp scent of burning firewood in the air. It was 4 AM on November 24th, or as Americans know it, Black Friday. Owen Taylor was standing in line with his wife and daughter at the local Target, waiting to get his piece of the proverbial pie (and actually, real pie, as they were handing out samples of a new elderberry pie to those waiting in line). Suddenly, and without a hint of a warning, the front doors flew open and the crowd began to surge forward. Taylor and his wife had one mission, to find a Tickle Me Elmo. That’s right the same toy that started a buying frenzy in the 90’s, Tickle Me Elmo was back. Taylor’s wife swept up their child as the crowd surged. Her job was to fin Tupperware and run interference on the daughter, who the Tickle Me Elmo was for. Taylor made his way back towards the toy section, deftly weaving his way through the crowd, as only a professional running back could. Unfortunately, as they were near the middle of the line, by the time he reached the Tickle Me Elmo display, there was only one remaining. He quickly grabbed the Elmo just as another father was reaching for it, and an argument ensued. Things quickly lost control heated when the man insulted a teammate of Taylor’s, push came to shove, and the man swung on Taylor. With the agility of cat, Taylor quickly side-stepped the man and countered with a body blow so violent, the man projectile vomited last night’s delicious turkey dinner all over unsuspecting bystanders. “Nobody tickles this Elmo but me, bitch!” Taylor screamed.
Unfortunately for Taylor, a police officer was there to control the crowd, and witnessed the punch. Taylor was quickly placed in cuffs and taken to the squad car (after the officer allowed him to make his purchase.) He was taken to the local police station where he would spend the night, until the man Taylor assaulted decided he no longer wanted to press charges (oddly enough, immediately after receiving a phone call from local legend, Kurt Hendrix). Taylor grabbed his Tickle Me Elmo, wished the officers happy holidays, and headed for home.