08-18-2018, 03:11 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-18-2018, 03:13 PM by BoltyMcSpeedy.)
Hugh Honey: "ok, ok, ok, let's go ahead and get this shit over with as quickly as possible. What is the first topic I am supposed to talk about despite being a pillar of this league for but a couple weeks?"
Vic Vinegar: " bro, lets start with Hate the player or the game: Tell us which team made the playoffs and shouldn't have, or which team didn't and should have?, Those orange rats definitely should not have made it there without KP"
Hugh: "right, ok so lets start counting words after this sentence then so that Jew lawyer doesn't try and fight this shit, its going to be made up nonsense anyway and we have that working against us already. Which team made the playoffs and shouldn't have? Uh, that's easy. The Otters. You see, it is not that they are bad, they have gone 9 years in a row and they have Erlich Burnsman to thank for most of that"
Vic: "right, Burnsman was a monster, you know we trained karate together. I did the sweetest back flips with him"
Hugh: "dude, you've never done a back flip"
Vic: "I do a back flip every single day of my life bro. I'll do one right n.."
Hugh: "Stop dude, focus, this shit already feels like work, goddammit stay on topic. So anyway, the Otters should not have made the playoffs and Ill tell you why. One, Burnsman wasn't present, those goddamn peasants did not have the balls to keep a real man on their team. Reason two, Kick Puncher isn't even on their team. Sure they have boss, and crush, and westy, and all those other goddamn grandpas, but what they really need is some beefy young men out there to rocket them to the ultimus. No team that loses in the playoffs should go. Only winners. Only New Orleans really belonged.
Vic: "which is weird because I heard they all have foot fetishes"
Hugh: "right, wait. what? How is that relevant? Okay, whatever yeah we will run with that. How many words is this?"
Vic: "227, we only needed 200 dude you need to be efficient"
Hugh: "Well Vic, I think since we're just making this all up from thin air we need to overachieve a little. These fat cats who grade this stuff will surely see through our bullshit so we are banking on creativity. What's next?"
227 words
Vic: "Who was the Ultimus MVP? Give us a rundown of their celebratory trip to Disneyland., fucking Peg Leg, man"
Hugh: "Fucking Peg Leg, you're right. This one is particularly easy because I was there. You see, I like to visit Disney Land. There is a ton of talent there and they're already looking for magic, naturally they're drawn to me. Anyway, so I was at Goofers Goof House and I see this huge crowd forming. Now, it wasn't formed around me as it usually should be. I go over to check it out; 'who the fuck could be drawing this much attention, better be a dead kid' I was thinking. Anyway, i blast through the ring of assholes and there I see him, fucking Peg Leg. Hes blacked out balancing on his stump, spinning like a goddamn top. Clearly out of it. I think he was all fucked up on"
Vic:"dude, isnt Peg a chicks name? I think thats a bitch, not a dude"
Hugh: "Vic you asshole, are we on the same team or what? Ok, ok fine i dont know anything about Peg leg. Truth be told I was pretty browned out myself. You see, I was having drinks with Smallwood at Marky Mouses Magikal Wilderness Pub before i went over to Goofers Goof house. Turns out Smallwood is an alright player. I heard he had a good game but i wouldnt know because I work 80 hours a week and dont have time to watch all of these games and memorize shit like who is the MVP of an imaginary game when our client is still being shitted on in some pee-wee roster. Words?"
Vic:"One sec bro ill check, make sure you point out we did all the research needed to learn those assholes names on another roster, that has to count for something, right?"
Hugh: "I dont give a shit, Vic. I dont care about any of this."
Vic:"But dude what if they dont give us any TPE for this? We need that TPE for Kick Puncher"
Hugh:" News flash asshole, KP is a kicker, he hardly needs any help, he has 2 stats. Can you give me the word count please, but go back to when I asked you, dont include all this other shit, we dont want those losers to get all pissy about their fake points in their fake goddamn football dungeons and dragons shit"
Vic: "282, bro. Shit, man we need to do better we're wasting so much goddamn time. Next is 'Who was the unsung hero of the playoffs, convince us.'
280 words
Hugh: "Right, Vic, because if there was anything I wanted to do on a Saturday afternoon it's convincing a bunch of nerds that WE are the unsung heroes of the playoffs especially since we're not even players"
Vic: "...dude why would you pick us? Why not go look at a roster and pick a ridiculous name again like last time?"
Hugh: "okay, yeah, that worked lets do that..."
Vic:" are you being sarcastic man?"
Hugh: "Vic, listen man. Clearly we're not going to be fooling anyone at this point, half of our conversation has been talking about how full of shit we are. I say if were going to do this we may as well double-down. But dont worry. This one is actually legit. I bet you didnt know we had quite an impact on the big game"
Vic:"What are you talking about bro, we didnt even watch the game. We didnt even know who the shit the second liners were until today. They were not here in season 2 the last time we paid attention to this shit."
Hugh: "Vic, sit down, shut up, and start counting words. I am about to blow your goddamn mind. Tuesday night I was at the bar with Charlie and Dee, right. It was a normal Tuesday, no customers except for Cricket doing PCP in the bathroom. We were all wasted, of course. Anyway, in strolls Frank with this old man. Frank is going on and on about how he's struck gold and he is going to make all kinds of money on the big game. He and that man go into the back corner while the rest of us contemplate playing Chardie MacDennis 3: The reChardyning and then Franks friend gets up and goes into the bathroom. Franks lets us know this crazy plan, well, quite genius really, to have his friend, an NSFL referee tilt the game in favor of Baltimore. Frank was gonna put down a ton of money on the game and his friend would ensure a victory. Well then we here all this noise from the bathroom and we figured goddamn cricket was just talking to himself."
Vic:"Can you hurry this up man you lost my interest like right away"
Hugh: "Ok man chill, this is where it gets good. Turns out Cricket lost it and knocked the ref out. Well, he killed him really, lets call it what it is. After we were done throwing his body in the dumpster we gave Cricks a bag of lemons to go break into that assholes apartment and steal his uniform and credentials. He officiated the game bro!"
Vic:" Wait.. cricket was a ref of the Ultimus? But dude, Baltimore lost..."
Hugh: "Its Cricket man, does that street rat do anything right? They figured it out before the end of the first quarter when he tried to make a tackle and threw his ass out. Anyway, because of us.. well, Cricket really, the game was called fair. If not for him killing that ref the game would've gone to Baltimore and Frank was going to buy us a new boat to replace the last one we burnt to a crisp. That's not even the best part!"
Vic:" Well what is the best part then?"
Hugh:" We finished another one of these goddamn questions. I feel like a fucking child completing his homework"
Vic:" Except we're getting loaded on canned wine"
Hugh:"well, right. Im not going to do this shit sober now am I, get with it. Count?"
Vic:"417! Cmon man."
417 words
Hugh:"Dont forget man, all these counts include all the goddamn formatting codes for color, underlines, and bold font. So we need to overshoot it a bit to not get screwed by these goddamn fake police officers out here. Remember when we got that cop car and used it to get free hot dogs from the cart down the street? Anyway, we did three of these fucking things. I can live with that. We're done here. Pack our shit up lets go."
Vic Vinegar: " bro, lets start with Hate the player or the game: Tell us which team made the playoffs and shouldn't have, or which team didn't and should have?, Those orange rats definitely should not have made it there without KP"
Hugh: "right, ok so lets start counting words after this sentence then so that Jew lawyer doesn't try and fight this shit, its going to be made up nonsense anyway and we have that working against us already. Which team made the playoffs and shouldn't have? Uh, that's easy. The Otters. You see, it is not that they are bad, they have gone 9 years in a row and they have Erlich Burnsman to thank for most of that"
Vic: "right, Burnsman was a monster, you know we trained karate together. I did the sweetest back flips with him"
Hugh: "dude, you've never done a back flip"
Vic: "I do a back flip every single day of my life bro. I'll do one right n.."
Hugh: "Stop dude, focus, this shit already feels like work, goddammit stay on topic. So anyway, the Otters should not have made the playoffs and Ill tell you why. One, Burnsman wasn't present, those goddamn peasants did not have the balls to keep a real man on their team. Reason two, Kick Puncher isn't even on their team. Sure they have boss, and crush, and westy, and all those other goddamn grandpas, but what they really need is some beefy young men out there to rocket them to the ultimus. No team that loses in the playoffs should go. Only winners. Only New Orleans really belonged.
Vic: "which is weird because I heard they all have foot fetishes"
Hugh: "right, wait. what? How is that relevant? Okay, whatever yeah we will run with that. How many words is this?"
Vic: "227, we only needed 200 dude you need to be efficient"
Hugh: "Well Vic, I think since we're just making this all up from thin air we need to overachieve a little. These fat cats who grade this stuff will surely see through our bullshit so we are banking on creativity. What's next?"
227 words
Vic: "Who was the Ultimus MVP? Give us a rundown of their celebratory trip to Disneyland., fucking Peg Leg, man"
Hugh: "Fucking Peg Leg, you're right. This one is particularly easy because I was there. You see, I like to visit Disney Land. There is a ton of talent there and they're already looking for magic, naturally they're drawn to me. Anyway, so I was at Goofers Goof House and I see this huge crowd forming. Now, it wasn't formed around me as it usually should be. I go over to check it out; 'who the fuck could be drawing this much attention, better be a dead kid' I was thinking. Anyway, i blast through the ring of assholes and there I see him, fucking Peg Leg. Hes blacked out balancing on his stump, spinning like a goddamn top. Clearly out of it. I think he was all fucked up on"
Vic:"dude, isnt Peg a chicks name? I think thats a bitch, not a dude"
Hugh: "Vic you asshole, are we on the same team or what? Ok, ok fine i dont know anything about Peg leg. Truth be told I was pretty browned out myself. You see, I was having drinks with Smallwood at Marky Mouses Magikal Wilderness Pub before i went over to Goofers Goof house. Turns out Smallwood is an alright player. I heard he had a good game but i wouldnt know because I work 80 hours a week and dont have time to watch all of these games and memorize shit like who is the MVP of an imaginary game when our client is still being shitted on in some pee-wee roster. Words?"
Vic:"One sec bro ill check, make sure you point out we did all the research needed to learn those assholes names on another roster, that has to count for something, right?"
Hugh: "I dont give a shit, Vic. I dont care about any of this."
Vic:"But dude what if they dont give us any TPE for this? We need that TPE for Kick Puncher"
Hugh:" News flash asshole, KP is a kicker, he hardly needs any help, he has 2 stats. Can you give me the word count please, but go back to when I asked you, dont include all this other shit, we dont want those losers to get all pissy about their fake points in their fake goddamn football dungeons and dragons shit"
Vic: "282, bro. Shit, man we need to do better we're wasting so much goddamn time. Next is 'Who was the unsung hero of the playoffs, convince us.'
280 words
Hugh: "Right, Vic, because if there was anything I wanted to do on a Saturday afternoon it's convincing a bunch of nerds that WE are the unsung heroes of the playoffs especially since we're not even players"
Vic: "...dude why would you pick us? Why not go look at a roster and pick a ridiculous name again like last time?"
Hugh: "okay, yeah, that worked lets do that..."
Vic:" are you being sarcastic man?"
Hugh: "Vic, listen man. Clearly we're not going to be fooling anyone at this point, half of our conversation has been talking about how full of shit we are. I say if were going to do this we may as well double-down. But dont worry. This one is actually legit. I bet you didnt know we had quite an impact on the big game"
Vic:"What are you talking about bro, we didnt even watch the game. We didnt even know who the shit the second liners were until today. They were not here in season 2 the last time we paid attention to this shit."
Hugh: "Vic, sit down, shut up, and start counting words. I am about to blow your goddamn mind. Tuesday night I was at the bar with Charlie and Dee, right. It was a normal Tuesday, no customers except for Cricket doing PCP in the bathroom. We were all wasted, of course. Anyway, in strolls Frank with this old man. Frank is going on and on about how he's struck gold and he is going to make all kinds of money on the big game. He and that man go into the back corner while the rest of us contemplate playing Chardie MacDennis 3: The reChardyning and then Franks friend gets up and goes into the bathroom. Franks lets us know this crazy plan, well, quite genius really, to have his friend, an NSFL referee tilt the game in favor of Baltimore. Frank was gonna put down a ton of money on the game and his friend would ensure a victory. Well then we here all this noise from the bathroom and we figured goddamn cricket was just talking to himself."
Vic:"Can you hurry this up man you lost my interest like right away"
Hugh: "Ok man chill, this is where it gets good. Turns out Cricket lost it and knocked the ref out. Well, he killed him really, lets call it what it is. After we were done throwing his body in the dumpster we gave Cricks a bag of lemons to go break into that assholes apartment and steal his uniform and credentials. He officiated the game bro!"
Vic:" Wait.. cricket was a ref of the Ultimus? But dude, Baltimore lost..."
Hugh: "Its Cricket man, does that street rat do anything right? They figured it out before the end of the first quarter when he tried to make a tackle and threw his ass out. Anyway, because of us.. well, Cricket really, the game was called fair. If not for him killing that ref the game would've gone to Baltimore and Frank was going to buy us a new boat to replace the last one we burnt to a crisp. That's not even the best part!"
Vic:" Well what is the best part then?"
Hugh:" We finished another one of these goddamn questions. I feel like a fucking child completing his homework"
Vic:" Except we're getting loaded on canned wine"
Hugh:"well, right. Im not going to do this shit sober now am I, get with it. Count?"
Vic:"417! Cmon man."
417 words
Hugh:"Dont forget man, all these counts include all the goddamn formatting codes for color, underlines, and bold font. So we need to overshoot it a bit to not get screwed by these goddamn fake police officers out here. Remember when we got that cop car and used it to get free hot dogs from the cart down the street? Anyway, we did three of these fucking things. I can live with that. We're done here. Pack our shit up lets go."
