(S15) - Ultimus Week

[Baron1898]

7) Next year

Don’t want to be too overconfident, but the Yellowknife Wraiths have a great shot at becoming contenders next season. The Wraiths were in the playoff hunt for a good majority of the regular season, but stand to take the final jump in season 16. Cooter Bigsby is continuing to grow and improve as a quarterback, leading the team through the air. Star pickup Jerrod Canton and second year player Morgan Marshall are a two headed monster on the ground, helping to keep the play moving along and confuse defenses. Speaking of defense, we’ve got something of a running back himself in Ryan Leaf Jr., anchoring the defensive line alongside fellow S15 rookie Nero Alexander. The Wraiths just picked up defensive superstar Danny Grithead during free agency, bringing in more key pieces with which to build a championship core. The Wraiths were one of the teams least affected by the league’s recent expansion draft, and with regular contenders like the Baltimore Hawks and Philadelphia Liberty weakened, the conference is ripe for the taking for the spooky Canadians up north. The Yellowknife Wraiths are young, they are motivated, and they are ready to take the next step forward towards claiming another franchise Ultimus Trophy.

9) Enemies

One of my personal enemies in the NSFL, who actually won an Ultimus this year (so not Cooter or Dermot), is Walt Green of the Baltimore Hawks. Yes, Green is gonna be a bum in short order, you heard it here first folks. For starters, Walt Green cheats at Candyland and steals literal candy from literal babies. What kind of monster does that? A monster from Idaho, that’s who. Legend says Idahoans are made out of evil potatoes, and Walt Green deserves to be beaten, mashed, and stuck in a stew, as Samwiss Gamgee once put it. One might say that I shouldn’t attack another member of the Fabulous Five like this, but honestly, it’s really not fair that Walt gets to go win an Ultimus while Quenton’s stuck in New Orleans and Berry’s stuck in an even bigger dumpster fire and me and Alexander are stuck in Yellowknife, in the freezing bitter cold of the middle of nowhere, trying to enjoy Leaf’s company and put up with Cooter’s awful quarterbacking skills, why did you leave us Walt, we should’ve all just stayed in San Antonio forever, it’s not the same without you all on the same team, sorry for all those mean words I just said.

10) Rivalries

Obviously I am still salty about the collapse of Marshal Law in the first round of the postseason last year, so the team I despise the most is the Tijuana Luchadores. These scrubs didn’t even win the Ultimini this season despite their biggest divisional rival losing literally all of its best players and the other team being the relocated Chicago Blues with an imaginary mascot. Not only did this happen, the Luchadores let these made up animals win the trophy! The Tijuana Loserdores are led by... someone at QB, I am not kidding, I really do not know who, is it Havran? If it’s Havran, they are led by a QB who couldn’t even get drafted in front of Cooter Bigsby, the legendary scrub. At running back, Forrest Gump continues to endure a very overplayed movie reference and gravitationally attract every rushing touchdown possible. The... actually I don’t know any other Luchadores players. Only reason I really hate them is because of last year’s conference matchup, I don’t even hate Gump and I don’t even know Havran and obviously I don’t remember any of the other players. But Tijuana ruined my first postseason, and for that I will never forgive them.

17) Robbed

The Yellowknife Wraiths were indisputably and maliciously robbed of a playoff berth by the NSFL mafioso. As one of two teams the whole season to beat the Ultimus-winning Baltimore Hawks, you’d think the Wraiths would be on the fast track towards success in the postseason. But this would not be the case. The Yellowknife Wraiths only finished 7-7, first place in the Jeff Fisher Memorial Award but short of a winning record and behind both the Baltimore Hawks and the Philadelphia Liberty. The answer to this conundrum is the conniving Baltimore Hawks. The performances of our three headed running back monster and our glorious leader/quarterback were maliciously destroyed by secret agents under the alias Walt Green. The Wraiths somehow only landed at .500 despite stellar play on offense and defense, meaning that unless our special teams were just absolutely atrocious (they weren’t) some foul play is to be suspected here. I smell a rat, and the rat smells like a hawk from Maryland. Hopefully next year, as Yellowknife truly begins its second golden age, the Head Office will crack down on these Baltimore rascals and the Wraiths can be unleashed to go 13-0 as they definitely will do.