Have 'ye all forgotten who my fathers are? Just a quick reminder: NSFL Legend CA Chess, and perennial practice squadder Darren Smallwood. I feel the need to issue this reminder because everywhere I look I am seeing Mock Drafts where the name Beauregard Smallwood-Chess doesn't even glance the page -- asinine! Now, I know what you're thinking "Chess, you old coot, the league already has plenty of running backs and frankly you're not even ready for the NSFL next season -- you're going to take another year in the minors anyways." But what I say to that, and you'll excuse my language, is: BULLOCKS.
You look over the stats of the DSFL and you see that the sim gods have smiled upon Beauregard's beautiful little head. Seriously, check out his stats and you'll see that despite splitting carries and catches with Slim Shady (who is the elite DSFL running back) Smallwood-Chess' name is splattered all over the statistical leaderboard. He simply gets the ball in the god damn end zone, it really does be that simple sometimes. Why is he so god damn good? It's unknowable but I am not asking any questions because the sim gods know what they are doing. Beyond that, I am a selfless little son of a bitch who is more than willing to play fullback after I get my speed to a certain benchmark. Imagine that! A player who is willing to play the position who's abbreviation might as well be "CTE Patient".
What I am raising an inquiry into is why only a handful of NSFL teams have even so much as glanced in the direction of Smallwood-Chess? Could it be that flights to Portland are expensive this time of year? Perhaps... Actually, yeah that may be an explanation. But still, you'd think that these front office types could bite the bullet every once and awhile and fly economy class -- newsflash NSFL GM's: Mixing with the plebeians of the world won't kill you! But you know what, hey what the hell, go ahead and watch as Beauregard slips down and down in the draft. Have a few giggles while I sit in the green room and am humiliated as other players are selected in front of me. Feign sympathy "Ahh but it's a really deep draft class this season," you'll say, and that's totally fine with me. Just know that both of my dads could kick your dad's ass EASILY. Unless you're Arbin Asipi III, in which case your dad could probably beat mine up.
You look over the stats of the DSFL and you see that the sim gods have smiled upon Beauregard's beautiful little head. Seriously, check out his stats and you'll see that despite splitting carries and catches with Slim Shady (who is the elite DSFL running back) Smallwood-Chess' name is splattered all over the statistical leaderboard. He simply gets the ball in the god damn end zone, it really does be that simple sometimes. Why is he so god damn good? It's unknowable but I am not asking any questions because the sim gods know what they are doing. Beyond that, I am a selfless little son of a bitch who is more than willing to play fullback after I get my speed to a certain benchmark. Imagine that! A player who is willing to play the position who's abbreviation might as well be "CTE Patient".
What I am raising an inquiry into is why only a handful of NSFL teams have even so much as glanced in the direction of Smallwood-Chess? Could it be that flights to Portland are expensive this time of year? Perhaps... Actually, yeah that may be an explanation. But still, you'd think that these front office types could bite the bullet every once and awhile and fly economy class -- newsflash NSFL GM's: Mixing with the plebeians of the world won't kill you! But you know what, hey what the hell, go ahead and watch as Beauregard slips down and down in the draft. Have a few giggles while I sit in the green room and am humiliated as other players are selected in front of me. Feign sympathy "Ahh but it's a really deep draft class this season," you'll say, and that's totally fine with me. Just know that both of my dads could kick your dad's ass EASILY. Unless you're Arbin Asipi III, in which case your dad could probably beat mine up.
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