(S17) - PT3 - AB is crazy

[pazuzu]

SHL PT

[JuOSu]

PBE CW

[TeyonSchavari]

I want out! Why would I want to stay on a team that promised championships yet gets eliminated in round 1 year after year? Why do I have to play second fiddle to Thor Skaarsgard, who really isn't even that good? Why does my coach have a defensive scheme that only allows me one tackle every 4 games? This is unacceptable! I'm going to have to take some extreme measures to get out of this contract, which, by the way, is way too low! I'm deserving of much better pay elsewhere!

If I wanted to get out of the Otters organization, I would send Speculadora some really nasty messages about how Hugh Mongo is a trash receiver that nobody likes along with some violent verbal threats. Then I would go into his office to say those same words personally, climb up on his desk, pull down my pants, and look him directly in the eye as I let out a nice solid turd. Us big boys like to eat so it would definitely be a big one. Then, when all is said in done, I'd say "release me, you won't!" which will elicit a response that would grant me my freedom. This plan is flawless and I don't see how it wouldn't work! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

*note: this does not reflect my true feelings of the otters organization

[TomHanks]

Well now normally I don’t like to make a fuss. But this time my team, the New Orleans Second Line, has just gone too darn far. They have cancelled the shrimp lunches I have guaranteed in my contract. So I need to take a break, and I feel like running. You guys thought the Raiders not being able to locate Antonio Brown was crazy, get ready for Forrest Gump to run across America again. No cell phone, no one with me, I’m taking off cuz I just feel like running. I’ll take my extension money and buy a shrimpin’ boat. That way I get to eat all the different types of shrimp I want. Josh Gordon sold used cars when he wasn’t in the league, Le’Veon Bell applied to dairy queen when he was holding out, I need a business venture of my own. Maybe I’ll sign up to be one of those astronauts. I reckon you’d have to release a player who is up in space. No real way to report to training camp when you’re stuck on the moon. Maybe I’ll try out for the United States Olympic team. I would make a pretty good long distance runner I think. I could get one of those tattoos of the Olympic rings too.

[Jonny2x]

PBE PT

[Bwestfield]

James Bishop has always wanted a trophy. Currently he thinks that is possible with the team that is building in Colorado. However, if he was an ass and wanted out of Colorado he would likely go to the extreme. Whatever the coach said he would do it to a “T”. So much to the point of injury. If asked to just go out there and catch the ball, he would do that. Catch and stop, haha. He may also just stand there and not move if yelled at for a false start. James would also likely start showing up to team practices and events naked. I’m sure that no one would want to see that. Oops, dropped a little of my food. Better clean it up. Yuck. Another way to get under the coach / GM’s skin would be to ask questions all the time. Nothing like a guy who is supposed to know it all suddenly asking questions he should’ve been taught in college. Running the wrong route would also be a good tactic. Imagine the QB snaps the ball and James just start charging the QB like it was some sort of wide receiver reverse or Jets sweep. Either way, he would get his point across that he didn’t want to be there. Luckily, this is not the case.

[SwagSloth]

Week 9. This is absolutely ridiculous. After Wednesday's game, I'm fed up and I've had enough. I'm sick and tired of this team forcing me to throw interceptions. They're just trying to get in my head and hold me down. Clearly Reese would be an MVP on any other team. I immediately demand a trade to the San Jose Sabercats, where I will become the starting QB backed by Joliet Christ. This is a clearly better path for me. Nothing can go wrong.

Week 11. After facing both the Hawks and the Butchers on the road, we lose both games and somehow, mysteriously, without explanation, these interceptions continue to be a problem. Could it be the talented secondaries of both teams? No... This is clearly some sort of ASFC curse that continues to haunt me. The trade deadline is over, so I refer to the Sabercats owner as the snack food of his least preferred choice. He releases me. I am free to go to the ASFC, where I join the now stacked Baltimore Hawks. Nothing can go wrong.

Week 13. After successfully defeating the Otters in a close game, we somehow lose to the Second Line, my second loss to this team this season. What kind of conspiracy theory is this? Why do I have to play New Orleans twice in one season? I'm not even in the ASFC anymore. To make things worse, after the game, a homeless man pukes on me. I quit the team and fly myself home, not even taking the team's plane. I'm done with the NSFL. I apply to be part of the newly budding XSFL. They're a brand new organization that comes with no strings attached. Nothing can go wrong.

286 Words

[Bauer]

PBE PT

[nunccoepi]

Well Verso L'Alto is very much known to be a level headed guy. In the articles written about him he has been documented as saving almost every penny he makes for retirement, going to therapy to work on his head game, and listening classical music. If there were any player in the league who would go off the rails, it wouldn't be L'Alto. But everyone does have their own suppressed motives and desires, so its not unreasonable to think that he might have a desire deep down to just go crazy. The thing is, L'Alto has been in the league long enough that he knows how to hit teams, players, and HO where it hurts. First, the first thing he would do every morning (and multiple times throughout the day) is ask his new teammate @ADwyer87 if he knew what the schedule for the season is. Then, he would rally his teammates into shouting "fuck HO" every time a HO was thought of anywhere, but especially when HO makes a reasonable and level headed decision that normal people should be able to disagree about. Then he would accuse @Sweetwater of rigging every game with an outcome that is the least bit undesirable or unforeseen. When he is finally traded away for being such a nuisance, L'Alto would intentionally forget to report the trade to the league so that the rosters will be all messed up for the next game (which he would then blame Sweetwater for and demand another resim). But, again, none of this would ever happen.

[TheDangaZone]

As a young CB just into the league I obviously have every reason to get the most money ever at my position so I asked out though they told me I was too valuable. They have just been playing me out of position basically every single game and I have had enough of it. I took to social media to whine and make outrageous claims about my coach and owner but so far nothing has come of it. Next I went and got as much clown makeup as I could possibly put on to act like one in front of the whole country and hopefully embarrass the franchise till they either ship me out or allow me to be a free agent and sign with actual good teams. How dare I have to work for my championships.

If these tactics do not work then I will have to resort to breaking as many laws as I can, without crossing too many lines and ending up in prison for an extended period of time. Though let's be real here, I am a celebrity so there is no way I end up in jail. I'll just get paid and be the best corner back in the league. Which I already am