10-29-2021, 03:33 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-24-2021, 03:06 PM by allbetsonjames. Edited 14 times in total.)
Editor's note: presser is ready for grading
St. Paul, MN
Season 32 DSFL Prospect Christian Marciano steps into the middle of the room to address the small cadre of media that have filled out the small room at PuzzleWorks St. Paul known as Loose Sleuth.
"Thank you all for coming out today. I've asked you here for two reasons. First, I am officially declaring for the DSFL Draft after three seasons after leading Concordia University to three straight Upper Midwest Private School Intramural Championships. Second, I was gifted one free escape room experience here at PuzzleWorks by my parents for my 20th birthday.
Before we get started, I must warn you that I will be asking you all to participate in the puzzles as I will most definitely need your help, since this is the hardest room they have. With that sorted, please, fire away with your questions."
@Kotasa
A lot of people question your ability to play Quarterback at a professional level. With your listed height at 6'5" but your actual height being 3'7" how do you think your game will translate to the next level? With hands smaller than a pop can tab how will you grasp the ball?
Sir, I don't know who you are or how you even got into my birthday party, but since you raised your hand I'll answer your question. First of all, my listed height is 6'1, which is actually how tall I am sitting down. Also, for someone attempting to dog someone for their height, maybe you should look in a mirror, because I can see the top of your head clearly right now and I'm not even standing up straight.
I think my game should translate just fine to the next level. If my time playing at Concordia taught me anything it's that I'm the greatest athlete in the history of history, so I fully expect to pretty much start dominating from day one. Also, the size of my hands should be of no concern to you. Wait... hold on... Christian's voice trails off ...Hands. Hands. That's it! The Detective wasn't able to dust for prints before he was killed! That's got to be a clue!
@deadlunatic
Is a hotdog a sandwich or taco?
Dude wtf are you even talking about? I knew I shouldn't have let my boy Z-Bo provide the snacks for this. He winked when he told me he was bringing some gumbo. I should have known he was gonna put something in it to mess with people.
What are your goals in the DSFL?
Thank you, a real question finally. Hold up. Wait a second. Stay right there okay? I'll be right back. Christian races to a desk drawer, where after thumbing through the rolodex he pulls out a sheet of paper with holes cut out Okay do me a favor and hold this right above your head. I think if I turn this projector on it should shine some light through that paper onto the map behind you and show us the last place the Detective was before he was murdered! Oh, yeah your question. You know, my goals are the same as any player whose talent level is plainly higher than everyone else's - make bank and get some hardware.
How cold is too cold for shorts in MN?
Christian bursts out in laughter after he hears the question Bro, who are you people? Anyways, if you're a normal person I would think like 50 degrees is too cold to wear shorts, but since I'm a finely-tuned machine with a resting heartrate of 8 and blood as thick as my skin I wear shorts year round.
@slothfacekilla
first of all how dare you?
Okay first of all, Kelly, we broke up like three weeks ago girl. I couldn't let you hold me back any longer. Second of all, how did you even get in here? This was a private event and I was very clear that you were not to be invited. But as long as you're here you might as well do something useful for the first time in your life and help solve some of these puzzles, alright girl?
@ShnarlyDude
Which team are you hoping to be drafted by in the DSFL?
Let's get one thing straight here, man. The Mad Dog doesn't sit back and hope for things to happen to him. He goes out and he gets it, alright? You know what? I'm sick and tired of you so-called media-types out here tryna dog me acting like I didn't get this far by busting my ass. So how about before you come out here and try to act like I'm some sort of low effort nobody you look at yourself in the mirror and see if this glass prism shines in any weird way. I don't know why but I'm like 100% sure it has SOMETHING to do with the random words that the Detective wrote on the wall over there.
@Maglubiyet
After this press conference, I plan on walking over to Lake Monster Brewing Company. Any suggestions?
Alright man, so, officially I'm only 20 years old and have never drank alcohol because it's against the law. Okay you got that? Cool. Now, off the record, Lake Monster is pretty dope. I used to date this older girl that tended bar there whose name was Staci. Yes, Kelly, THAT Staci. Oh, I'm a skeez? Real original, Kelly. Why don't you go back to the sunglasses kiosk at Southdale where I found you, huh? Marciano takes a deep breath to collect himself Yeah so anyways, Staci was awesome and would give me free beer all the time. So yeah if you're heading that way I'll probably join you. Heck, I'll even get you a pint! They've got some solid stuff there, but one of their standbys that I'm fond of is the Last Fathom Dark Lager. It's pretty well-balanced between roast and maltiness, with a overall dryness and noticeable hop character.
@slothfacekilla
Who in Philadelphia would be the best and the worst to do a real escape room with
Okay so I'm going to answer this one as Pat and not as my player because this is a fun question.
Best person to do an escape room with would definitely be @woelkers. He's an almost-lawyer and I know he has the type of analytical mind that does really well at solving puzzles. At least I assume he does. Runner up for best would be Cody @ShnarlyDude because the guy is a walking encyclopedia of random knowledge that I assume would somehow be useful in solving puzzles. A second runner up would definitely be @xtitanxmvpx because he is like 9 feet tall and looks like he could probably just break the door open if we can't solve any of the puzzles.
Worst to do a puzzle room with would definitely be @juniped, not because of his ability but because if the last year or so I've spent in the Philly LR is anything to go off of, any time I make a suggestion about something we should do, Juni would probably just make fun of me and tell me that he's retiring.
@ShnarlyDude
Quick follow up.. "What's your f*****g problem?"
I should be asking you the same thing. We've already wasted 27 minutes in this room and we've only found one of the four lock combinations we need to get out of this room. Bro, I had my mom get an ice cream cake for us, and I'm pretty sure if we don't get out of here soon that thing is going to be melt city. You ever tried eating melted ice cream cake? It's awful. If you don't want to have that happen, how about you roll up your sleeves and dig through that box of papers of there and tell me if you find anything that has the letters A, C, H, E, K, P, or Y on it. I found this list of numbers earlier that just says 1 3 8 5 11 16 25 on it and I'm pretty sure it's a code.
@Blasoon
If not drafted by Norfolk, do you promise to play awfully against them?
You know man, I don't even know if it's physically possible for me to not be the greatest at everything I do. Would you ask an alligator to just stop being an apex predator or ask a bird to not fly? It's part of their nature, the same as being an unstoppable machine at Quarterback is for me.
Follow up question, why not Muslim Marciano?
I don't know man, why don't you go back in time twenty years and ask my parents why they named me what they did?
(Real answer - Christian Marciano was the name of a Quarterback I had in a Madden 20 franchise that won 5 MVPs, so it seemed only right to use it for a QB create here)
@zaynzk
What CB are you most excited about humiliating and why Rich Triplet?
To be real with ya, I don't even know the names of any of the Corners I've torched. They're just random numbers and face to me. I'm not really sure who this Rich Triplet guy is, but I'm sure when I get the call up to the ISFL he'll just be another defensive back out there that can't stop me.
St. Paul, MN
Season 32 DSFL Prospect Christian Marciano steps into the middle of the room to address the small cadre of media that have filled out the small room at PuzzleWorks St. Paul known as Loose Sleuth.
"Thank you all for coming out today. I've asked you here for two reasons. First, I am officially declaring for the DSFL Draft after three seasons after leading Concordia University to three straight Upper Midwest Private School Intramural Championships. Second, I was gifted one free escape room experience here at PuzzleWorks by my parents for my 20th birthday.
Before we get started, I must warn you that I will be asking you all to participate in the puzzles as I will most definitely need your help, since this is the hardest room they have. With that sorted, please, fire away with your questions."
@Kotasa
A lot of people question your ability to play Quarterback at a professional level. With your listed height at 6'5" but your actual height being 3'7" how do you think your game will translate to the next level? With hands smaller than a pop can tab how will you grasp the ball?
Sir, I don't know who you are or how you even got into my birthday party, but since you raised your hand I'll answer your question. First of all, my listed height is 6'1, which is actually how tall I am sitting down. Also, for someone attempting to dog someone for their height, maybe you should look in a mirror, because I can see the top of your head clearly right now and I'm not even standing up straight.
I think my game should translate just fine to the next level. If my time playing at Concordia taught me anything it's that I'm the greatest athlete in the history of history, so I fully expect to pretty much start dominating from day one. Also, the size of my hands should be of no concern to you. Wait... hold on... Christian's voice trails off ...Hands. Hands. That's it! The Detective wasn't able to dust for prints before he was killed! That's got to be a clue!
@deadlunatic
Is a hotdog a sandwich or taco?
Dude wtf are you even talking about? I knew I shouldn't have let my boy Z-Bo provide the snacks for this. He winked when he told me he was bringing some gumbo. I should have known he was gonna put something in it to mess with people.
What are your goals in the DSFL?
Thank you, a real question finally. Hold up. Wait a second. Stay right there okay? I'll be right back. Christian races to a desk drawer, where after thumbing through the rolodex he pulls out a sheet of paper with holes cut out Okay do me a favor and hold this right above your head. I think if I turn this projector on it should shine some light through that paper onto the map behind you and show us the last place the Detective was before he was murdered! Oh, yeah your question. You know, my goals are the same as any player whose talent level is plainly higher than everyone else's - make bank and get some hardware.
How cold is too cold for shorts in MN?
Christian bursts out in laughter after he hears the question Bro, who are you people? Anyways, if you're a normal person I would think like 50 degrees is too cold to wear shorts, but since I'm a finely-tuned machine with a resting heartrate of 8 and blood as thick as my skin I wear shorts year round.
@slothfacekilla
first of all how dare you?
Okay first of all, Kelly, we broke up like three weeks ago girl. I couldn't let you hold me back any longer. Second of all, how did you even get in here? This was a private event and I was very clear that you were not to be invited. But as long as you're here you might as well do something useful for the first time in your life and help solve some of these puzzles, alright girl?
@ShnarlyDude
Which team are you hoping to be drafted by in the DSFL?
Let's get one thing straight here, man. The Mad Dog doesn't sit back and hope for things to happen to him. He goes out and he gets it, alright? You know what? I'm sick and tired of you so-called media-types out here tryna dog me acting like I didn't get this far by busting my ass. So how about before you come out here and try to act like I'm some sort of low effort nobody you look at yourself in the mirror and see if this glass prism shines in any weird way. I don't know why but I'm like 100% sure it has SOMETHING to do with the random words that the Detective wrote on the wall over there.
@Maglubiyet
After this press conference, I plan on walking over to Lake Monster Brewing Company. Any suggestions?
Alright man, so, officially I'm only 20 years old and have never drank alcohol because it's against the law. Okay you got that? Cool. Now, off the record, Lake Monster is pretty dope. I used to date this older girl that tended bar there whose name was Staci. Yes, Kelly, THAT Staci. Oh, I'm a skeez? Real original, Kelly. Why don't you go back to the sunglasses kiosk at Southdale where I found you, huh? Marciano takes a deep breath to collect himself Yeah so anyways, Staci was awesome and would give me free beer all the time. So yeah if you're heading that way I'll probably join you. Heck, I'll even get you a pint! They've got some solid stuff there, but one of their standbys that I'm fond of is the Last Fathom Dark Lager. It's pretty well-balanced between roast and maltiness, with a overall dryness and noticeable hop character.
@slothfacekilla
Who in Philadelphia would be the best and the worst to do a real escape room with
Okay so I'm going to answer this one as Pat and not as my player because this is a fun question.
Best person to do an escape room with would definitely be @woelkers. He's an almost-lawyer and I know he has the type of analytical mind that does really well at solving puzzles. At least I assume he does. Runner up for best would be Cody @ShnarlyDude because the guy is a walking encyclopedia of random knowledge that I assume would somehow be useful in solving puzzles. A second runner up would definitely be @xtitanxmvpx because he is like 9 feet tall and looks like he could probably just break the door open if we can't solve any of the puzzles.
Worst to do a puzzle room with would definitely be @juniped, not because of his ability but because if the last year or so I've spent in the Philly LR is anything to go off of, any time I make a suggestion about something we should do, Juni would probably just make fun of me and tell me that he's retiring.
@ShnarlyDude
Quick follow up.. "What's your f*****g problem?"
I should be asking you the same thing. We've already wasted 27 minutes in this room and we've only found one of the four lock combinations we need to get out of this room. Bro, I had my mom get an ice cream cake for us, and I'm pretty sure if we don't get out of here soon that thing is going to be melt city. You ever tried eating melted ice cream cake? It's awful. If you don't want to have that happen, how about you roll up your sleeves and dig through that box of papers of there and tell me if you find anything that has the letters A, C, H, E, K, P, or Y on it. I found this list of numbers earlier that just says 1 3 8 5 11 16 25 on it and I'm pretty sure it's a code.
@Blasoon
If not drafted by Norfolk, do you promise to play awfully against them?
You know man, I don't even know if it's physically possible for me to not be the greatest at everything I do. Would you ask an alligator to just stop being an apex predator or ask a bird to not fly? It's part of their nature, the same as being an unstoppable machine at Quarterback is for me.
Follow up question, why not Muslim Marciano?
I don't know man, why don't you go back in time twenty years and ask my parents why they named me what they did?
(Real answer - Christian Marciano was the name of a Quarterback I had in a Madden 20 franchise that won 5 MVPs, so it seemed only right to use it for a QB create here)
@zaynzk
What CB are you most excited about humiliating and why Rich Triplet?
To be real with ya, I don't even know the names of any of the Corners I've torched. They're just random numbers and face to me. I'm not really sure who this Rich Triplet guy is, but I'm sure when I get the call up to the ISFL he'll just be another defensive back out there that can't stop me.
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