Acura Skyline describes some of his favorite approaches to recovery:
LONDON, ENGLAND.
Acura Skyline, rookie running back for the DSFL expansion franchise London Royals, saw his first action with his new team this Tuesday evening in the form of a set of grueling back to back preseason exhibition matches against the Tijuana Luchadores. Unfortunately, neither game resulted in a win, despite high level individual performances across the offense and defense. On the plus side, as a preseason game the ultimate score does not matter nearly as much as the fact that the team developed some chemistry and showed a lot to build on through discipline and practice.
Onlookers noted especially that Skyline was heavily featured in these two exhibition matches. After the second match against the Seawolves I asked Skyline if he knew how many total carries he had on the day. His response: “Sixty-nine, TAKE THAT FOR DATA.” Folks, this was not an awkward and Rob Gronkowski-esque invocation of the sex number, but the actual number of times Skyline was given the ball to try and make magic happen on the ground. In the first game against the Tijuana Luchadores, Skyline had 34 carries for 108 yards and an early touchdown, as well as a critical late game fumble and an unfortunate unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (awarded for winking at referee Aldous Nolan’s twin college-aged daughters, who were sitting in lower bowl seats at the back of the end zone and were holding a sign saying “Our Dad gets paid to f*** you, but we’ll f*** you for free”. Referee Nolan clearly does not have the sense of humour that his daughters have). In the second game against the Norfolk Seawolves, Skyline had 35 carries for 133 yards but failed to find pay dirt, but otherwise played a clean and high quality game.
This level of workload is likely designed just to help the young running back develop chemistry with his offensive linemen and blockers as well as start to get him into a rhythm. It is unlikely that he will be called on to carry the ball 69 times across two games on many nights in the future. When asked about how his body handled the heavy workload, Skyline commented, “The biggest issue was that my balls were getting hot. Shout out Derrick Lewis. Whole lotta sweat, but that’s not too uncommon when you’re pounding out a sixty-nine. Eyo! But for real though my legs feel like they were rolled in shards of glass and then run over by a Humvee.”
I had a chance to catch up with Skyline a little bit after his normal press availability and asked him what he normally does to recover from such a gargantuan strain on his body. He told me, “Well first thing first, and I got this from a good buddy in another league, I go straight into the cryo chamber. But, and this is the secret sauce my guy shared with me, you gotta go in with no shoes. That’s the best way to do it, because it’s just science that the cold can only go in your body through the feet. Otherwise it won’t help with the muscle inflammation. Usually you end up with a couple small blisters, but you just take some scissors and snip snap those bad boys are gone. Sometimes, when the workload is really crazy like today, I take it a step further and go in completely buck naked. Everything swingin’ and swangin’. That way there are even fewer barriers and the cold energy can really sink in and improve your muscle soreness. You gotta be careful though, because when you’re in the cryo chamber and you’re in your birthday suit, you can’t move too much or you might brush up against the walls on accident and end up with a blister on your blaster. That is not something you want to cut off with scissors. Trust me, I’ve tried. Anyways that’s pretty much it. Tomorrow I’ll get some massage, do some cupping, eat a whole bunch of cottage cheese. You know, normal recovery stuff.”
While interesting to hear first hand how a professional athlete takes care of his body, it is important to note that you should consult with both a doctor and also common sense before engaging in potentially risky activity such as getting into a cryo chamber with no shoes or, even more questionably, completely naked. Acura Skyline only has 30 Intelligence, please do not take him to be an authority on the field of sports medicine and recovery.
Good luck Acura Skyline.
762 words
LONDON, ENGLAND.
Acura Skyline, rookie running back for the DSFL expansion franchise London Royals, saw his first action with his new team this Tuesday evening in the form of a set of grueling back to back preseason exhibition matches against the Tijuana Luchadores. Unfortunately, neither game resulted in a win, despite high level individual performances across the offense and defense. On the plus side, as a preseason game the ultimate score does not matter nearly as much as the fact that the team developed some chemistry and showed a lot to build on through discipline and practice.
Onlookers noted especially that Skyline was heavily featured in these two exhibition matches. After the second match against the Seawolves I asked Skyline if he knew how many total carries he had on the day. His response: “Sixty-nine, TAKE THAT FOR DATA.” Folks, this was not an awkward and Rob Gronkowski-esque invocation of the sex number, but the actual number of times Skyline was given the ball to try and make magic happen on the ground. In the first game against the Tijuana Luchadores, Skyline had 34 carries for 108 yards and an early touchdown, as well as a critical late game fumble and an unfortunate unsportsmanlike conduct penalty (awarded for winking at referee Aldous Nolan’s twin college-aged daughters, who were sitting in lower bowl seats at the back of the end zone and were holding a sign saying “Our Dad gets paid to f*** you, but we’ll f*** you for free”. Referee Nolan clearly does not have the sense of humour that his daughters have). In the second game against the Norfolk Seawolves, Skyline had 35 carries for 133 yards but failed to find pay dirt, but otherwise played a clean and high quality game.
This level of workload is likely designed just to help the young running back develop chemistry with his offensive linemen and blockers as well as start to get him into a rhythm. It is unlikely that he will be called on to carry the ball 69 times across two games on many nights in the future. When asked about how his body handled the heavy workload, Skyline commented, “The biggest issue was that my balls were getting hot. Shout out Derrick Lewis. Whole lotta sweat, but that’s not too uncommon when you’re pounding out a sixty-nine. Eyo! But for real though my legs feel like they were rolled in shards of glass and then run over by a Humvee.”
I had a chance to catch up with Skyline a little bit after his normal press availability and asked him what he normally does to recover from such a gargantuan strain on his body. He told me, “Well first thing first, and I got this from a good buddy in another league, I go straight into the cryo chamber. But, and this is the secret sauce my guy shared with me, you gotta go in with no shoes. That’s the best way to do it, because it’s just science that the cold can only go in your body through the feet. Otherwise it won’t help with the muscle inflammation. Usually you end up with a couple small blisters, but you just take some scissors and snip snap those bad boys are gone. Sometimes, when the workload is really crazy like today, I take it a step further and go in completely buck naked. Everything swingin’ and swangin’. That way there are even fewer barriers and the cold energy can really sink in and improve your muscle soreness. You gotta be careful though, because when you’re in the cryo chamber and you’re in your birthday suit, you can’t move too much or you might brush up against the walls on accident and end up with a blister on your blaster. That is not something you want to cut off with scissors. Trust me, I’ve tried. Anyways that’s pretty much it. Tomorrow I’ll get some massage, do some cupping, eat a whole bunch of cottage cheese. You know, normal recovery stuff.”
While interesting to hear first hand how a professional athlete takes care of his body, it is important to note that you should consult with both a doctor and also common sense before engaging in potentially risky activity such as getting into a cryo chamber with no shoes or, even more questionably, completely naked. Acura Skyline only has 30 Intelligence, please do not take him to be an authority on the field of sports medicine and recovery.
Good luck Acura Skyline.
762 words
![[Image: pMr1aCO.png]](https://i.imgur.com/pMr1aCO.png)
![[Image: BI1xgO7.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/BI1xgO7.jpg)
