I am Hank “Beefquake” Steel and I am declaring my intentions for this upcoming NSFL draft. When I look at this league I see people consumed by stats, ranking each member of this draft by some made up “TPE” or “Training Points” or whatever. I may not have much “TPE” but I lead this league in “TPA” or “Testosterone, Power, and Anger”: the only stat that actually matters. Think of me as an angry, starving grizzly bear that has just ingested 2 gallons of cheap whiskey mixed with Red Bull that sees the football as a hunk of raw beef. Take all your numbers and stats and throw them out the window because they are useless against an intoxicated grizzly bear. As much as you may try, you cannot quantify a person’s heart and determination. Even my doctors said that numbers cannot be used to quantify my heart because my blood pressure is beyond detection of most medical sensors.
This draft is filled with crybabies who pick and choose teams which teams they do and do not want to play for in an effort to make excuses for their inevitable failure. Any team with enough kahunas to draft me, the Beefquake, is worthy of my talents. Below, I have made individualized statements to each team, the order of the teams is completely random.
: From hearing the jibber jabber around the league, it seems like the butchers have become sick from a drama infection. Well, consider me Dr. Hank Steel M.D., and let me write a prescription for what ails you. This condition appears to be terminal, but there is one experimental treatment that will cure any drama infection: 300 kilos of pure STEEL injected directly into your veins at the NSFL draft. The only drama that will be around after I arrive at your facility will be who gets to be first to hoist the glorious Ultimus trophy first after we butcher the rest of the league.
: The “Yellowknife Wraiths” sounds like a name to the most amazing band ever. I already wrote a few songs for us in case you draft me. I have a super chill song called “Every Team in This League Sucks (Except For Us)” and another a little more aggressive song called “Crushing Skulls, Winning Games”. I am putting together a kind of funk-infused power ballad titled “Drowning in Ultimus Trophies (This is Too Easy)” were I have a 2 minute long harmonica solo, I hope that is okay. Draft me and we will rock this league.
: It would be an honor to join such a patriotic organization as the Liberty. The Steel family has a long history of serving this great nation in every major war. We have been in the Revolution, the Civil War, both world wars, Korea, the brutal Black Friday wars at the local Walmart in the 2000s, Vietnam and the Great Possum Shootout back in 2017-18. I love American history; I think it was Guy Fieri back in the revolutionary war who once said “give me liberty or give me death”. If you give me the honor of being on the Philadelphia Liberty, I’ll give the hopes and dreams of the rest of the NSFL death.
: Being a blood-relative of Bigfoot, I know plenty of Yetis. I know from personal experience that guiding a team of Yetis through the Rocky Mountains is an extremely arduous task. The NSFL season is full of ups and downs, just like traveling through the great Rocky Mountains. To lead a team to eternal Ultimus glory, one needs to navigate over the high mountain tops, through the deep meadows and past the smoke-filled dispensaries to conquer the NSFL and become champions. I was born ready for this challenge, you must draft me.
: Otters are wise creatures who can use a rock as a tool to break through the hard-outer layer of a clam to eat the food that lay within. I will be that rock, a rock made entirely of STEEL, that will break through that hard, offensive line to feast on that succulent QB that lays beneath. While otters may be small in size, they become far more fearsome when the wield a rock as hard as STEEL. I will be that rock, and with me we will crush our opposition to dust and take joy in their misery as we claim countless Ultimus championships.
: Full disclosure, I am not a fish scientist, so I do not know anything about sailfish, but I do know about sailing. To sail, you need wind and I will be producing gale force winds if I given the honor to play for Sarasota. Within a few weeks, that wind will become stronger and stronger till it eventually morphs into a hurricane. If that hurricane is given a direct infusion of Hank STEEL it will become a category 7 STEELOCANE. This ain’t any hurricane, the STEELOCANE travels around the globe to crush any pathetic NSFL team that stands in its path.
: Again, I am no fish scientist, so I do not know what a Hahalua is or how to pronounce it. I may only have 45 intelligence, but I do know a thing or two about engineering. The key to building a structure that will last the test of time is by developing strong foundation. For a strong foundation, you need strong materials and there is no stronger material on Earth than STEEL. Imagine it now, a Hahalua made purely of STEEL; it would simultaneously be the worst nightmare of every team in the NSFL while being the best idea for a new Pokemon or Digimon. Call it the “Hanklua”. Draft me and unleash the fury of the Hanklua.
: I relate deeply to a SaberCat because I am also an apex predator. I have countless things in common with cats, including a love of catnip and a hatred of laser pointers. If you draft me, think of me as your house cat and the NSFL as your mice-infested basement. I will hunt mice day and night. I may ruin some of the furniture, not always go in my litter box and have a generally bad temperament just like a cat, but I will rid the NSFL of these pests and lead the SaberCats to eternal Ultimus glory!
: If I am given the honor of playing for the Second Line, I will be first in-line to practice every day and last in-line to leave. I will be first in-line at the cafeteria, where I can get some delicious Cajun cooking, and then first in-line for seconds. I will be the teams life-line in desperate moments and will lead the Conga-line at the victory parade. If you put me on your defensive-line, you need to go on-line and buy a new trophy cabinet because we got some Ultimus Trophies coming to town.
: I have plenty of experience playing for Outlaws; my high school coach was arrested twice for selling homemade Gatorade mixed with rum to our team before every home game. In fact, I am something of an outlaw myself due to my extreme competitive drive. The big wigs at Chuck-E-Cheese outlawed from their store because I was getting too competitive at skee-ball with my cousins last year. If you draft me, the NSFL will become my new Chuck-E-Cheese and I will destroy the opposing team’s offensive line just like I did those Chuck-E-Cheese employees.
: My roommates in college used to call me the “Steel Snake” because I refuse to chew when I eat. Chewing only breaks the food down to small bits and therefore breaks the nutritional value into small bits, so I consume everything whole, just like a snake. If you draft me, I will swallow our competition’s tiny little running backs whole, just like a snake. I will wrap myself around their wide receivers and drain them of their will to live like a mighty anaconda. I would not be an ordinary copperhead snake; I am a STEELhead and I am coming for the NSFL.
: One of my greatest inspirations for football career was my old high school teammate Eddy “The Hawk” Martinez. Hawk was a small man, 4 feet 11 inches, who was near-sighted in his left eye and far-sighted in his right making him effectively blind. He might have lacked height, vision, strength, and talent, but he made up for all that with determination and swagger. We lost the Hawk two years ago in a tragic Zambonini accident, but I try and play like the Hawk in his memory. I would be proud to be a Hawk!
CLOSING STATEMENT TO ALL OF
: Don’t let the friendly demeanor of this statement fool you: I consider every pick in this draft that is not for me, Hank Steel, to be a slap in the face. After this draft, one team will have made themselves a powerful new ally while the others will have a made a serious mistake. Consider every pick you make that is not Hank Steel to be a nail in a coffin containing all your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Let me warn you GMs, there is nothing you will regret more than the day I show up to your home stadium in another team’s jersey. Just imagine it, you are helpless to watch as I grab your pencil-neck QB by the throat and turn them into a pile of mush on the turf. Just like some gruesome Mortal Kombat fatality, I will stick my hand through their chest, pull out their still beating heart and throw it in a dumpster in front of your home crowd. This Beefquake is coming, I hope you are prepared. NOTE FROM THE LEGAL COUNSEL: all statements containing references to homicide were meant to be taken as a joke and will hopefully not actually occur.
This draft is filled with crybabies who pick and choose teams which teams they do and do not want to play for in an effort to make excuses for their inevitable failure. Any team with enough kahunas to draft me, the Beefquake, is worthy of my talents. Below, I have made individualized statements to each team, the order of the teams is completely random.
: From hearing the jibber jabber around the league, it seems like the butchers have become sick from a drama infection. Well, consider me Dr. Hank Steel M.D., and let me write a prescription for what ails you. This condition appears to be terminal, but there is one experimental treatment that will cure any drama infection: 300 kilos of pure STEEL injected directly into your veins at the NSFL draft. The only drama that will be around after I arrive at your facility will be who gets to be first to hoist the glorious Ultimus trophy first after we butcher the rest of the league. : The “Yellowknife Wraiths” sounds like a name to the most amazing band ever. I already wrote a few songs for us in case you draft me. I have a super chill song called “Every Team in This League Sucks (Except For Us)” and another a little more aggressive song called “Crushing Skulls, Winning Games”. I am putting together a kind of funk-infused power ballad titled “Drowning in Ultimus Trophies (This is Too Easy)” were I have a 2 minute long harmonica solo, I hope that is okay. Draft me and we will rock this league. : It would be an honor to join such a patriotic organization as the Liberty. The Steel family has a long history of serving this great nation in every major war. We have been in the Revolution, the Civil War, both world wars, Korea, the brutal Black Friday wars at the local Walmart in the 2000s, Vietnam and the Great Possum Shootout back in 2017-18. I love American history; I think it was Guy Fieri back in the revolutionary war who once said “give me liberty or give me death”. If you give me the honor of being on the Philadelphia Liberty, I’ll give the hopes and dreams of the rest of the NSFL death. : Being a blood-relative of Bigfoot, I know plenty of Yetis. I know from personal experience that guiding a team of Yetis through the Rocky Mountains is an extremely arduous task. The NSFL season is full of ups and downs, just like traveling through the great Rocky Mountains. To lead a team to eternal Ultimus glory, one needs to navigate over the high mountain tops, through the deep meadows and past the smoke-filled dispensaries to conquer the NSFL and become champions. I was born ready for this challenge, you must draft me. : Otters are wise creatures who can use a rock as a tool to break through the hard-outer layer of a clam to eat the food that lay within. I will be that rock, a rock made entirely of STEEL, that will break through that hard, offensive line to feast on that succulent QB that lays beneath. While otters may be small in size, they become far more fearsome when the wield a rock as hard as STEEL. I will be that rock, and with me we will crush our opposition to dust and take joy in their misery as we claim countless Ultimus championships. : Full disclosure, I am not a fish scientist, so I do not know anything about sailfish, but I do know about sailing. To sail, you need wind and I will be producing gale force winds if I given the honor to play for Sarasota. Within a few weeks, that wind will become stronger and stronger till it eventually morphs into a hurricane. If that hurricane is given a direct infusion of Hank STEEL it will become a category 7 STEELOCANE. This ain’t any hurricane, the STEELOCANE travels around the globe to crush any pathetic NSFL team that stands in its path. : Again, I am no fish scientist, so I do not know what a Hahalua is or how to pronounce it. I may only have 45 intelligence, but I do know a thing or two about engineering. The key to building a structure that will last the test of time is by developing strong foundation. For a strong foundation, you need strong materials and there is no stronger material on Earth than STEEL. Imagine it now, a Hahalua made purely of STEEL; it would simultaneously be the worst nightmare of every team in the NSFL while being the best idea for a new Pokemon or Digimon. Call it the “Hanklua”. Draft me and unleash the fury of the Hanklua. : I relate deeply to a SaberCat because I am also an apex predator. I have countless things in common with cats, including a love of catnip and a hatred of laser pointers. If you draft me, think of me as your house cat and the NSFL as your mice-infested basement. I will hunt mice day and night. I may ruin some of the furniture, not always go in my litter box and have a generally bad temperament just like a cat, but I will rid the NSFL of these pests and lead the SaberCats to eternal Ultimus glory! : If I am given the honor of playing for the Second Line, I will be first in-line to practice every day and last in-line to leave. I will be first in-line at the cafeteria, where I can get some delicious Cajun cooking, and then first in-line for seconds. I will be the teams life-line in desperate moments and will lead the Conga-line at the victory parade. If you put me on your defensive-line, you need to go on-line and buy a new trophy cabinet because we got some Ultimus Trophies coming to town. : I have plenty of experience playing for Outlaws; my high school coach was arrested twice for selling homemade Gatorade mixed with rum to our team before every home game. In fact, I am something of an outlaw myself due to my extreme competitive drive. The big wigs at Chuck-E-Cheese outlawed from their store because I was getting too competitive at skee-ball with my cousins last year. If you draft me, the NSFL will become my new Chuck-E-Cheese and I will destroy the opposing team’s offensive line just like I did those Chuck-E-Cheese employees. : My roommates in college used to call me the “Steel Snake” because I refuse to chew when I eat. Chewing only breaks the food down to small bits and therefore breaks the nutritional value into small bits, so I consume everything whole, just like a snake. If you draft me, I will swallow our competition’s tiny little running backs whole, just like a snake. I will wrap myself around their wide receivers and drain them of their will to live like a mighty anaconda. I would not be an ordinary copperhead snake; I am a STEELhead and I am coming for the NSFL. : One of my greatest inspirations for football career was my old high school teammate Eddy “The Hawk” Martinez. Hawk was a small man, 4 feet 11 inches, who was near-sighted in his left eye and far-sighted in his right making him effectively blind. He might have lacked height, vision, strength, and talent, but he made up for all that with determination and swagger. We lost the Hawk two years ago in a tragic Zambonini accident, but I try and play like the Hawk in his memory. I would be proud to be a Hawk!CLOSING STATEMENT TO ALL OF
: Don’t let the friendly demeanor of this statement fool you: I consider every pick in this draft that is not for me, Hank Steel, to be a slap in the face. After this draft, one team will have made themselves a powerful new ally while the others will have a made a serious mistake. Consider every pick you make that is not Hank Steel to be a nail in a coffin containing all your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Let me warn you GMs, there is nothing you will regret more than the day I show up to your home stadium in another team’s jersey. Just imagine it, you are helpless to watch as I grab your pencil-neck QB by the throat and turn them into a pile of mush on the turf. Just like some gruesome Mortal Kombat fatality, I will stick my hand through their chest, pull out their still beating heart and throw it in a dumpster in front of your home crowd. This Beefquake is coming, I hope you are prepared. NOTE FROM THE LEGAL COUNSEL: all statements containing references to homicide were meant to be taken as a joke and will hopefully not actually occur.
![[Image: 020p.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/jSjP8bKw/020p.png)
![[Image: TRRHgeA.png]](https://i.imgur.com/TRRHgeA.png)
