*How far can Gimmy throw Kiara Mia?

[Warner]

How far can Gimmy Jaroppolo throw a Kiara Mia-sized football?


I will be using pictures of Snooki to represent Kiara Mia because there are no SFW pictures of her available. I don't want a fine.

Disclaimer:
Alright, so, before I actually write this, I figured I'd make a little introduction here to provide some transparency on the purpose of this article. Hopefully you guys can understand where I'm coming from, and can find a way to somehow enjoy this mess of an analysis that I put way too much effort into making compared to what I'll actually get for it. Hope you enjoy.

Yeah, so, I'm back again. The most esteemed and well regarded philosopher in the entirety of the NSFL has returned to answer another one of society's crucial questions: How far can Gimmy Jaroppolo throw a Kiara Mia-sized football? So, just like the last time, try to sit back, relax, and enjoy the trainwreck of an article that you're about to read.



So, to begin, I'll start by introducing the first one of our subjects. Gimmy Jaroppolo. Who doesn't know him? He's definitively the greatest Quarterback in NSFL history by every known metric, and some even say that he might be the most perfect person to ever exist. There's even a cult centered around this man. So, what's not to love? You tell me.



Now, onto our next subject. Kiara Mia. She's an adult film actress who was blessed with the honor of being in a romantic relationship with our Lord and Savior, and has starred in a variety of critically acclaimed movies, such as Latina Rampage, Mommy Me and a Gangster 3, Touch Your Toes, and was also a star on the award-winning television show, Beach Heat: Miami. Some would even say that she's the Mary to his God. Only in a semi-literal sense, though, because she's definitely been around the wringer several times. It's literally in her job description. As for Gimmy, though, he's as godly as he's ever been.


This is another picture of Snooki.

Anyway, let's get right to it. So, Gimmy's lean but powerful and well-built frame measures in at 6'3", 220 pounds. Right off the bat, you can tell that this is a guy who spends his time in the gym. Now, according to his player page, his Arm Strength is 75. So, I'll take that value and assume that due to this, he can throw a regular football, which is 0.875 pounds, 75 yards. Let's also take into account that he also has 40 Strength. He's certainly a guy who loves to pump iron. Like a modern-day peak Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'll take that value and assume that for every 5 TPE put into strength, he can throw an extra yard, which means that he can throw a normal football about 83 yards downfield. Truly an impressive display by our king. There's still one more thing that we need to factor in. His 5 banked TPE from the weekly training that he claimed. I'll assume that he put all of that TPE into Arm Strength, which means that, in ideal conditions, Gimmy Jaroppolo can throw a football 88 yards. A truly unfathomable display.



Now, let's consider Kiara Mia. Kiara measures in at 5'4", 141 pounds, which is vastly greater than what a football weighs. Looks like it's math time, which means that you'll have to bear with me because I suck at math. So, considering that Gimmy can throw a football 88 yards, a football weighs 0.875 pounds, Kiara Mia weighs 141 pounds, and the air speed velocity of an unladen European swallow is 24 miles per hour, we'll have to divide Gimmy's throwing distance by Kiara Mia's weight, which gets us 0.62 yards, or 1.86 feet. This is a very disappointing answer, and I regret writing this.

But wait, there's more! The one thing that people seem to forget about Gimmy is his true power. Gimmy lights up defenses night in and night out, and has proven that he is easily able to shatter his mortal limits. When Gimmy gets serious, he can do anything, and has reportedly once thrown a football into outer space. So, we'll assume that same football is still floating through space with the same momentum that Gimmy applied to it, and we'll say that he can throw a 0.875-pound football an infinite amount of yards. So, we take that infinite amount and divide it by 141, and what do we get? Infinity. So, I conclude, Gimmy Jaroppolo can throw a Kiara Mia-sized football an infinite amount of yards. Gimmy is eternal.



So, there you have it, folks. We've done it again. This mystery is no more This is the most pointless thing that I've done in the past 72 hours, and I don't plan on stopping here. Make sure to tune in for next week for "Which layer of an 8-layer dip would each of the DSFL teams be?" I'll see y'all then. Don't forget to hit the like button and subscribe.

Code:

912 words.

[thevoicelesscreator]

Praise be to our Lord and Savior, Gimmy!

[HalfEatenOnionBagel]

What are we doing here folks?

[infinitempg]

I don’t know what I’m reading, but I think I need more

[Huskies311]

Someone give this man 3x media bonus