Through blood, sweat, tears, and a bunch of writing, Darren Pama has gained access to Tier 6 equipment in record time. As preseason officially begins, with the Training Camps open and equipment able to be purchased for the first time by all the young prospects champing at the bit to get started, Pama came in with a massive check in order to buy everything he possibly could to improve his skills.
"I had no idea what I was coming in to buy today, just that it was important to improve," said Pama, when asked for comment. "All the veterans swore that I needed to buy as big of a pack as I could, so I did. Turns out it was literally an acre of land to run around in, with a bunch of other things on it to work out specific football skills."
As the young Tight End prospect from Iowa took this reporter on a tour of the plot, he noticed the varied workout equipment scattered around, and asked what it was for.
"That area's for your strength, they have all sorts of dumbbells and barbells, though there's also one of those fake guys you're supposed to push on to simulate straight up blocking. Not sure what that's called. Also, a leg press machine, to help with the lower body."
"That section's to improve your agility. Got the agility ladder, or whatever it's called, along with some instructions for exercises you're supposed to do. There's also one of those rubber band things for your legs, too."
"Then here comes one of two quarterback areas, basically just a ton of footballs, a speed gun, and yard marks for this one. Just throw as hard as you can, as far as you can. Can you tell the ISFL to add something like a wall at the end, or a target, or maybe some walls? I'm kind of tired of Cortez's balls being thrown onto my plot whenever it slips out of his hands."
As we walk on, I notice an entire small building erected on the premises. Following my eyes, Pama chuckles a bit, before explaining. "Apparently the ISFL decided that the most efficient way to teach people what to do on the football field was to build an entire classroom for each single player for what they'd learn. I've asked around, and apparently the budget was blown on the buildings themselves, because none of them can teach a half decent Hurry Up offense, apparently."
The second field area had a bunch of targets scattered about. Some were standard bullseyes, others were attached to cardboard cutouts of players. Again, there was a series of yard markers and numerous footballs scattered around the area. "Not again, freaking, DAYTONA CAN YOU STOP MISSING YOUR TARGETS SO BADLY THE BALLS END UP ON MY PLOT? I'M TIRED OF THROWING THEM BACK! So, this is the accuracy area for QBs, SOMETHING DAYTONA APPARENTLY REALLY NEEDS TO IMPROVE BEFORE DRAFT DAY! Where was I? Oh yeah, QB accuracy."
The next area was pretty obvious, even to a layman like myself. Tackling dummies everywhere, some of which were set on tracks to move automatically, and a couple of warning signs about not tackling with the crown of your head and to keep your eyes on the target, so as to not miss players and to not hurt yourself. "Tackling area. If I need to use it, someone screwed up. My hope is that someone screwing up happens rarely, and when it does happen, it's not me who screwed up."
Next, Pama prepared for his training for the day. The speed area. "Apparently almost everyone trains their speed at the beginning. My guess is that the DSFL could keep these guys in business on their own with how many they probably have to buy." What exactly did the DSFL have to buy so much of?
Treadmills. Box standard treadmills, the kind you'd see by the dozens in a large gym or in any decent workout room across the world. "Not all that fancy. Considering they erected an entire building to help people improve their football IQ, I gotta admit I was disappointed at this one."
After a couple hours running on the treadmill, Pama moved over to the next part of the lot, where he would be training tomorrow. Here, there was a ball machine set up to fire footballs at various locations. "I really want to improve my catching radius and my ability to hold on to footballs thrown at high speeds. There's also a simulated thing you can add for holding on to footballs through a tackle, though I'm not sure how well a simulation compares to the real thing considering I did it enough in College and it hurts a lot more."
The final areas were all on a football field with a track surrounding it. A couple field goals were set up on each side, and fake linemen were set up on each end.
"I gotta say, I don't want to accuse the ISFL of false advertising here, but I can't for the life of me figure out how one of these two sets improves only your run blocking, and the other set only improves your pass blocking. I mean, it's not that they aren't different things, you're generally trying to protect the pocket on one and create a running lane with the other, I'm more just wondering how the heck that practicing on one won't help at all with the other. But, according to the pamphlet, it only helps one. Even if you're practicing your run blocking technique on the pass blocking dummies, it apparently only improves pass blocking."
As for the field goals at each end? Pretty obvious. "Leg strength and accuracy. I have no idea how they kick these things as far and as accurate as they do, I can barely kick a football 20 yards away!"
The track around the football field was another area to improve abilities in, actually. "The best way to work out endurance is apparently to run around this track a bunch. Preferably in pads, while carrying a football."
When asked why he, a Tight End prospect, had a plot of land that included tackling training, which could technically be useful but probably wouldn't be, and training specifically designed for kickers and quarterbacks, which would certainly just be collecting dust, Pama shook his head and sighed. "I don't know, I even asked the guy in charge of the training grounds, but apparently 'Because I could technically use them', I need to both keep them on the property, not destroy them, and also pay for the rent on them. I'm pretty sure there are loads of better systems, I think this one is specifically designed to make money for the league and to limit the ability of players to just run away from others on skill by training morning, noon, and night."
When asked why he thought that second part was the case, Pama quickly replied, "Because for some reason, I'm only allowed to be on this property for 5 hours a day for a month! And I'm not even allowed to pay for more time on this property. Lower tiers have less days on the property, and we're only allowed to use one area per day. Something about 'Not double dipping'."
The ISFL and DSFL offices, the bank, the training camp, and the commissioner were not available for comment.
(1243 words)
"I had no idea what I was coming in to buy today, just that it was important to improve," said Pama, when asked for comment. "All the veterans swore that I needed to buy as big of a pack as I could, so I did. Turns out it was literally an acre of land to run around in, with a bunch of other things on it to work out specific football skills."
As the young Tight End prospect from Iowa took this reporter on a tour of the plot, he noticed the varied workout equipment scattered around, and asked what it was for.
"That area's for your strength, they have all sorts of dumbbells and barbells, though there's also one of those fake guys you're supposed to push on to simulate straight up blocking. Not sure what that's called. Also, a leg press machine, to help with the lower body."
"That section's to improve your agility. Got the agility ladder, or whatever it's called, along with some instructions for exercises you're supposed to do. There's also one of those rubber band things for your legs, too."
"Then here comes one of two quarterback areas, basically just a ton of footballs, a speed gun, and yard marks for this one. Just throw as hard as you can, as far as you can. Can you tell the ISFL to add something like a wall at the end, or a target, or maybe some walls? I'm kind of tired of Cortez's balls being thrown onto my plot whenever it slips out of his hands."
As we walk on, I notice an entire small building erected on the premises. Following my eyes, Pama chuckles a bit, before explaining. "Apparently the ISFL decided that the most efficient way to teach people what to do on the football field was to build an entire classroom for each single player for what they'd learn. I've asked around, and apparently the budget was blown on the buildings themselves, because none of them can teach a half decent Hurry Up offense, apparently."
The second field area had a bunch of targets scattered about. Some were standard bullseyes, others were attached to cardboard cutouts of players. Again, there was a series of yard markers and numerous footballs scattered around the area. "Not again, freaking, DAYTONA CAN YOU STOP MISSING YOUR TARGETS SO BADLY THE BALLS END UP ON MY PLOT? I'M TIRED OF THROWING THEM BACK! So, this is the accuracy area for QBs, SOMETHING DAYTONA APPARENTLY REALLY NEEDS TO IMPROVE BEFORE DRAFT DAY! Where was I? Oh yeah, QB accuracy."
The next area was pretty obvious, even to a layman like myself. Tackling dummies everywhere, some of which were set on tracks to move automatically, and a couple of warning signs about not tackling with the crown of your head and to keep your eyes on the target, so as to not miss players and to not hurt yourself. "Tackling area. If I need to use it, someone screwed up. My hope is that someone screwing up happens rarely, and when it does happen, it's not me who screwed up."
Next, Pama prepared for his training for the day. The speed area. "Apparently almost everyone trains their speed at the beginning. My guess is that the DSFL could keep these guys in business on their own with how many they probably have to buy." What exactly did the DSFL have to buy so much of?
Treadmills. Box standard treadmills, the kind you'd see by the dozens in a large gym or in any decent workout room across the world. "Not all that fancy. Considering they erected an entire building to help people improve their football IQ, I gotta admit I was disappointed at this one."
After a couple hours running on the treadmill, Pama moved over to the next part of the lot, where he would be training tomorrow. Here, there was a ball machine set up to fire footballs at various locations. "I really want to improve my catching radius and my ability to hold on to footballs thrown at high speeds. There's also a simulated thing you can add for holding on to footballs through a tackle, though I'm not sure how well a simulation compares to the real thing considering I did it enough in College and it hurts a lot more."
The final areas were all on a football field with a track surrounding it. A couple field goals were set up on each side, and fake linemen were set up on each end.
"I gotta say, I don't want to accuse the ISFL of false advertising here, but I can't for the life of me figure out how one of these two sets improves only your run blocking, and the other set only improves your pass blocking. I mean, it's not that they aren't different things, you're generally trying to protect the pocket on one and create a running lane with the other, I'm more just wondering how the heck that practicing on one won't help at all with the other. But, according to the pamphlet, it only helps one. Even if you're practicing your run blocking technique on the pass blocking dummies, it apparently only improves pass blocking."
As for the field goals at each end? Pretty obvious. "Leg strength and accuracy. I have no idea how they kick these things as far and as accurate as they do, I can barely kick a football 20 yards away!"
The track around the football field was another area to improve abilities in, actually. "The best way to work out endurance is apparently to run around this track a bunch. Preferably in pads, while carrying a football."
When asked why he, a Tight End prospect, had a plot of land that included tackling training, which could technically be useful but probably wouldn't be, and training specifically designed for kickers and quarterbacks, which would certainly just be collecting dust, Pama shook his head and sighed. "I don't know, I even asked the guy in charge of the training grounds, but apparently 'Because I could technically use them', I need to both keep them on the property, not destroy them, and also pay for the rent on them. I'm pretty sure there are loads of better systems, I think this one is specifically designed to make money for the league and to limit the ability of players to just run away from others on skill by training morning, noon, and night."
When asked why he thought that second part was the case, Pama quickly replied, "Because for some reason, I'm only allowed to be on this property for 5 hours a day for a month! And I'm not even allowed to pay for more time on this property. Lower tiers have less days on the property, and we're only allowed to use one area per day. Something about 'Not double dipping'."
The ISFL and DSFL offices, the bank, the training camp, and the commissioner were not available for comment.
(1243 words)
