01-14-2021, 01:38 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-14-2021, 06:23 AM by Asked Madden.)
Good morrow ye peasants of the International Simulation Football League. It is I, this leagues favorite badger, Chunt, back again with another media piece. A few trivial disclaimers before we begin, however. First, I have recently concluded the Netflix Original Series Bridgerton and have decided that I shall be a badger of olden times. Secondly, I have elected to create a media series about my grievances throughout the week entitled “Chunt Rambles.” Finally, a lot has happened since I published what has been slandered as “soft-core fan fiction” about a treacherous user you know as iStegosauruz. I shall not stand for this mudslinging about my hard work and have come to defend my family name along with pontificating about a variety of other topics that have really matted my fur this week.
Ramble 1: How I Became the League’s Sexiest Badger Complete With Acceptance Speech
This evening after my fine supper of spiced potatoes and ale, I sat down to tune into the broadcast of the annual Simulation Football League Awards. Although the commentators were quite loveable, including that plucky JPach, I was most distressed to learn that there was no “Most Outstanding Badger” award. I have found this to be quite dishonorable of the league. Consider this ramble my official notification to the league that I shall no longer stand for these speciest approaches to the various creatures that call this league home. We stand for an inclusive environment and should, henceforth, acknowledge the unfair advantage these humans have to us creatures that are not bipedal.
I have only played three games within the universally renowned Prospect Bowl, so I understand being unable to be nominated for the variety of other awards in the league, however not recognizing my status as the most beautiful and athletic badger, as well as creature, within this here league is quite preposterous. Does the league not remember that I am a three time winner of the “Sexiest Badger” contest in Foon. If you haven’t heard of my dominating victories over all other badgers - shapeshifters and natural badgers - I urge you to take a gander at my recently written Wiki page.
It is with this speciest error the league has made that I am officially declaring myself as as the “Most Sexiest Badger” in this league. And no I will not be told that my grammar was incorrect there. Take your hatred somewhere else, you’re just jealous you aren’t as sexy of a badger as I am.
The scouting conversations have been incredible, and I would just like to take a moment to inform all those interested in securing my services on the ol’ football turf that I originally joined this league to understand what my good friend iStegosauruz was rambling about behind my back but have indeed fallen in love with the community. Everyone has been so welcoming and helpful I am glad I have the pleasure of meeting you all. My goal at this point is to be a better player then the scoundrel is, although I imagine that won’t be hard as I have heard that Colt Mendoza is a “bum.” To imagine I was romantically interested in such a user. Tsk tsk tsk. My parents always warned me I had poor taste in men, including the ones I attempt to shift into.
I am excited for the upcoming draft and would like to stake my claim as the best wide receiver in the class, after all who can tackle an eleven inch tall badger. More on that later, but I digress. That would be both animal cruelty and specieist, and we all know that if you commit a speciest act I shall put you on blast in one of my media pieces. The league better beware.
Tonight after my lovely experience watching the Awards Show I was linked to the statistics table for the recently played Prospect Bowl games. I would like to say I am incredibly disappointed in my performance. My team only went 1-2, and before any scouts see such a dismal record and assume it was because I am overhyped as a badger I would like to inform you it wasn’t anything to have to do with me. I put up an acceptable but also quite dismal 12 catches for 120 yards with no touchdowns. I would consider these statistics to be acceptable considering my quarterbacks couldn’t have hit the Twelfth Realm of Ephysiyies from the Burger King portal that poor Arnie fell into Foon from.
With this mind, I have officially decided to declare my intent to not only play wide receiver but play every position on the field. If my quarterback is going to be so blind as to not hit the wide open sexy badger streaking down the field - as in running fast, get your minds out of the gutter (you’ll have to subscribe to my OnlyBadgers to get that type of content) - then I shall not only play wide receiver but play quarterback and running back too. Those defensive linemen won’t know whats coming when I streak underneath their legs. I think I have an idea for a video on my OnlyBadgers now, subscribe for some hot new content coming soon.
After my Prospect Bowl performance I have decided that I need to find a way to increase my on-field performance. I am unaware of this leagues performance enhancing drug policy, and so because I am fearful of being banned from the league for circumventing the rules I have reached the only logical solution: I shall lube myself before each and every game I play.
After I had the epiphany that lead me to such a brilliant idea I figured I must take the time to research and figure out what the best lube for me would be. This ramble shall recant my trials and tribulations to find the best lube for on-field football performance.
The first thing I tried was to lather myself in a rich queso before each game. I purchased this queso from the “Moes” down the street from my apartment in your world. It was slick and would definitely slide off opposing defenders’ hands, however it was also delicious and I found myself getting distracted and wanting to lick myself instead of scoring touchdowns. That just wouldn’t be acceptable, and so the queso was quickly consumed so I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to try to use it for football related activities. To note, it is not wise to lick queso off your fur while in practice - it does not make for a pleasant regurgitation experience.
I next tried crisco, a quite wonderful lard like substance used to cook human foods. It was also quite greasy and would have worked wonderful had it not constantly matted my fur. That would have been only a mild inconvenience had I dominated at practice, however after one quite horrendous experience at an “Outback Steakhouse” I decided I could no longer use this substance. Not to deprive you of a great story I shall take a moment to describe this great adventure to you.
After practice one evening I found myself quite peckish and figured it was as good a time as any to try the so called “Bloomin Onion” from Outback Steakhouse. I arrived and asked for a table for one, as I would not be sharing such an amazing delicacy with anyone I have the depravity of knowing. Not because I was stood up by iStegosauruz at all. Upon entering the establishment I was spotted by a cook who must’ve mistaken me for being a possum or some ugly rodent and rushed me to the kitchen. It was after being unceremoniously thrown into an oven and almost served as an entree for some unsuspecting couple at what I can only assume was the sad anniversary dinner of a failing marriage did I decide that crisco was obviously not the solution to my quest for the best lube for football.
After the crisco debacle I decided that I should try a close cousin of the previously mentioned lubricant and so I purchased a large container of vaseline. There is not much that I can say about vaseline besides that I do not recommend using it if you are a badger because it when it gets into certain cavities it burns and I am sure it loses some of its efficacy as a substance to slip through tacklers hands when it feels like your anus is on fire.
Finally, I came to the best solution. After my unsuccessful attempt at romancing iStegosauruz that I discussed last week, I found myself the proud owner of a forty gallon drum of lube. With such a large amount of lube - silicone based lube mind you - I decided that if it was perfect for greased up performance in the bedroom it would be perfect at helping me avoid would-be tacklers on the football field. With this in mind I lathered myself up one afternoon and went to practice.
My performance that day was electric. I couldn’t be touched. Both literally and metaphorically as none of my defensive teammates would lay a hand on me because of the rancid smell of the cheap lube I had ordered in bulk from Amazon. Of course Jeff Bezos doesn’t think of the football player badgers when listing products on his website. Worse, the smell ceased to dissipate after it was rinsed off. There is a time and place to smell of such lube and the field is not one apparently.
After the silicone based lube, of which I still had close to 39 gallons of (also hit me up for a good price on silicone based lube, will sell in bulk), failed me I decided to invest in a “water” based lube. This ended up being the answer that I was looking for. The smell was reduced which meant that my defensive teammates would tackle me with all the force that I expected them too. I was also slippery and could evade them with ease, breaking numerous tackles which should excite scouts reading this. I scored many a touchdown that fateful afternoon. Afterall, touchdown is the new touchdown. Considering it was waterbased this particular lube was also easy to wash out of my fur so that after each practice I could be clean and ready for a great night out on the town. You’ve always got to keep in mind personal hygiene when picking a lube for your professional football career.
The final thing that has really ground my gears this week is how my previous media piece has not yet been graded. I am sure that the fine gentlemen and ladies who are in charge of grading media are doing their best to get this issue handled forthwith, however I am in need of the financial payment for services rendered to the league in the form of this so called “soft-core fan fiction.”
I have been informed by a variety of users within the league that the delay in payment may be due to my article being deemed as not containing enough “football” discussion. I would contend, however, that the article contained plenty of football conversation. I opened by talking about how I would like to discard my form as a badger and take the form of a puny human so that I could dominate the so-called “gridiron” this coming season in the DSFL. This segwayed to my second football related point about how I wanted to sleep with “the best sim tester in the league,” that treacherous scoundrel iStegosauruz. That is specifically sim-tested related and not related to any particular “type” or “kink” I have, making it very league related. Finally, that conversation about iStegosauruz was definitively football related regardless of your opinion about sim testing because I can almost guarantee that iStegosauruz does indeed have both feet and balls. If this is some rookie hazing procedure being performed by the league I am very unsatisfied. At least make it kinky next time and don’t leave me wanting for more.
Good Day!
slams door
Ramble 1: How I Became the League’s Sexiest Badger Complete With Acceptance Speech
This evening after my fine supper of spiced potatoes and ale, I sat down to tune into the broadcast of the annual Simulation Football League Awards. Although the commentators were quite loveable, including that plucky JPach, I was most distressed to learn that there was no “Most Outstanding Badger” award. I have found this to be quite dishonorable of the league. Consider this ramble my official notification to the league that I shall no longer stand for these speciest approaches to the various creatures that call this league home. We stand for an inclusive environment and should, henceforth, acknowledge the unfair advantage these humans have to us creatures that are not bipedal.
I have only played three games within the universally renowned Prospect Bowl, so I understand being unable to be nominated for the variety of other awards in the league, however not recognizing my status as the most beautiful and athletic badger, as well as creature, within this here league is quite preposterous. Does the league not remember that I am a three time winner of the “Sexiest Badger” contest in Foon. If you haven’t heard of my dominating victories over all other badgers - shapeshifters and natural badgers - I urge you to take a gander at my recently written Wiki page.
It is with this speciest error the league has made that I am officially declaring myself as as the “Most Sexiest Badger” in this league. And no I will not be told that my grammar was incorrect there. Take your hatred somewhere else, you’re just jealous you aren’t as sexy of a badger as I am.
Ramble 2: My Experience With Scouting and a Bit About My Taste in Men
I have recently had the pleasure of being scouted by a variety of teams within the Developmental Simulation Football League. It is most unfortunate, however, that I have yet to hear from the Kansas City Coyotes. I guess they have no need for a talking, shapeshifting badger. It is fine I propose, their loss. Unless they have already decided I am worth their first round draft pick, in which case hello new teammates, I cannot wait to win an Ultimini with the coyotes, one of my favorite of animals. They do after all make a great animal to shift into.The scouting conversations have been incredible, and I would just like to take a moment to inform all those interested in securing my services on the ol’ football turf that I originally joined this league to understand what my good friend iStegosauruz was rambling about behind my back but have indeed fallen in love with the community. Everyone has been so welcoming and helpful I am glad I have the pleasure of meeting you all. My goal at this point is to be a better player then the scoundrel is, although I imagine that won’t be hard as I have heard that Colt Mendoza is a “bum.” To imagine I was romantically interested in such a user. Tsk tsk tsk. My parents always warned me I had poor taste in men, including the ones I attempt to shift into.
I am excited for the upcoming draft and would like to stake my claim as the best wide receiver in the class, after all who can tackle an eleven inch tall badger. More on that later, but I digress. That would be both animal cruelty and specieist, and we all know that if you commit a speciest act I shall put you on blast in one of my media pieces. The league better beware.
Ramble 3: My Outstanding Prospect Bowl Performance and Intent to Play Every Position
Tonight after my lovely experience watching the Awards Show I was linked to the statistics table for the recently played Prospect Bowl games. I would like to say I am incredibly disappointed in my performance. My team only went 1-2, and before any scouts see such a dismal record and assume it was because I am overhyped as a badger I would like to inform you it wasn’t anything to have to do with me. I put up an acceptable but also quite dismal 12 catches for 120 yards with no touchdowns. I would consider these statistics to be acceptable considering my quarterbacks couldn’t have hit the Twelfth Realm of Ephysiyies from the Burger King portal that poor Arnie fell into Foon from.
With this mind, I have officially decided to declare my intent to not only play wide receiver but play every position on the field. If my quarterback is going to be so blind as to not hit the wide open sexy badger streaking down the field - as in running fast, get your minds out of the gutter (you’ll have to subscribe to my OnlyBadgers to get that type of content) - then I shall not only play wide receiver but play quarterback and running back too. Those defensive linemen won’t know whats coming when I streak underneath their legs. I think I have an idea for a video on my OnlyBadgers now, subscribe for some hot new content coming soon.
Ramble 4: Lube and Its Many Uses
After my Prospect Bowl performance I have decided that I need to find a way to increase my on-field performance. I am unaware of this leagues performance enhancing drug policy, and so because I am fearful of being banned from the league for circumventing the rules I have reached the only logical solution: I shall lube myself before each and every game I play.
After I had the epiphany that lead me to such a brilliant idea I figured I must take the time to research and figure out what the best lube for me would be. This ramble shall recant my trials and tribulations to find the best lube for on-field football performance.
The first thing I tried was to lather myself in a rich queso before each game. I purchased this queso from the “Moes” down the street from my apartment in your world. It was slick and would definitely slide off opposing defenders’ hands, however it was also delicious and I found myself getting distracted and wanting to lick myself instead of scoring touchdowns. That just wouldn’t be acceptable, and so the queso was quickly consumed so I wouldn’t feel the need to continue to try to use it for football related activities. To note, it is not wise to lick queso off your fur while in practice - it does not make for a pleasant regurgitation experience.
I next tried crisco, a quite wonderful lard like substance used to cook human foods. It was also quite greasy and would have worked wonderful had it not constantly matted my fur. That would have been only a mild inconvenience had I dominated at practice, however after one quite horrendous experience at an “Outback Steakhouse” I decided I could no longer use this substance. Not to deprive you of a great story I shall take a moment to describe this great adventure to you.
After practice one evening I found myself quite peckish and figured it was as good a time as any to try the so called “Bloomin Onion” from Outback Steakhouse. I arrived and asked for a table for one, as I would not be sharing such an amazing delicacy with anyone I have the depravity of knowing. Not because I was stood up by iStegosauruz at all. Upon entering the establishment I was spotted by a cook who must’ve mistaken me for being a possum or some ugly rodent and rushed me to the kitchen. It was after being unceremoniously thrown into an oven and almost served as an entree for some unsuspecting couple at what I can only assume was the sad anniversary dinner of a failing marriage did I decide that crisco was obviously not the solution to my quest for the best lube for football.
After the crisco debacle I decided that I should try a close cousin of the previously mentioned lubricant and so I purchased a large container of vaseline. There is not much that I can say about vaseline besides that I do not recommend using it if you are a badger because it when it gets into certain cavities it burns and I am sure it loses some of its efficacy as a substance to slip through tacklers hands when it feels like your anus is on fire.
Finally, I came to the best solution. After my unsuccessful attempt at romancing iStegosauruz that I discussed last week, I found myself the proud owner of a forty gallon drum of lube. With such a large amount of lube - silicone based lube mind you - I decided that if it was perfect for greased up performance in the bedroom it would be perfect at helping me avoid would-be tacklers on the football field. With this in mind I lathered myself up one afternoon and went to practice.
My performance that day was electric. I couldn’t be touched. Both literally and metaphorically as none of my defensive teammates would lay a hand on me because of the rancid smell of the cheap lube I had ordered in bulk from Amazon. Of course Jeff Bezos doesn’t think of the football player badgers when listing products on his website. Worse, the smell ceased to dissipate after it was rinsed off. There is a time and place to smell of such lube and the field is not one apparently.
After the silicone based lube, of which I still had close to 39 gallons of (also hit me up for a good price on silicone based lube, will sell in bulk), failed me I decided to invest in a “water” based lube. This ended up being the answer that I was looking for. The smell was reduced which meant that my defensive teammates would tackle me with all the force that I expected them too. I was also slippery and could evade them with ease, breaking numerous tackles which should excite scouts reading this. I scored many a touchdown that fateful afternoon. Afterall, touchdown is the new touchdown. Considering it was waterbased this particular lube was also easy to wash out of my fur so that after each practice I could be clean and ready for a great night out on the town. You’ve always got to keep in mind personal hygiene when picking a lube for your professional football career.
The Final and Ultimate Ramble: The Unjust Media Payment System in this Speciest Football League
The final thing that has really ground my gears this week is how my previous media piece has not yet been graded. I am sure that the fine gentlemen and ladies who are in charge of grading media are doing their best to get this issue handled forthwith, however I am in need of the financial payment for services rendered to the league in the form of this so called “soft-core fan fiction.”
I have been informed by a variety of users within the league that the delay in payment may be due to my article being deemed as not containing enough “football” discussion. I would contend, however, that the article contained plenty of football conversation. I opened by talking about how I would like to discard my form as a badger and take the form of a puny human so that I could dominate the so-called “gridiron” this coming season in the DSFL. This segwayed to my second football related point about how I wanted to sleep with “the best sim tester in the league,” that treacherous scoundrel iStegosauruz. That is specifically sim-tested related and not related to any particular “type” or “kink” I have, making it very league related. Finally, that conversation about iStegosauruz was definitively football related regardless of your opinion about sim testing because I can almost guarantee that iStegosauruz does indeed have both feet and balls. If this is some rookie hazing procedure being performed by the league I am very unsatisfied. At least make it kinky next time and don’t leave me wanting for more.
Good Day!
slams door
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