It's no surprise that the San Jose Sabercats have fallen on some hard times. They're on an abysmal losing streak, have traded 2 top players, and have been plagued with the souls of some of their players disappearing before their very eyes. In this time of desperate need, the Sabercats management has decided to reach out to the community.
This past weekend, the Sabercats, inspired by the movie "Rudy", held an open tryout to anyone in the community who thought they had what it takes to be a champion. The invitation attracted hundreds of participants: High School has-beens, College Dropouts, stay at home dads looking to regain some masculinity, frat bros, NEETs who's parents forced them to put on their big boy capes and get the hell out of the house, and inbred genetic freaks hoping to take advantage of their mutant strength.
The interested prospects met outside of the Pavilion, and were promptly informed that they were not worthy of playing on such hallowed ground. As such, they were loaded on to buses and driven to a local high school for the tryouts. Upon arriving at the school they were given a motivational speech by a professional Ethan Hunt impersonator (Sponsored by Subway: Eat Fresh!), and then went on to drills. They put the prospects through the wringer, hitting drills, route drills, blocking, and kicking. As was expected, the majority of the participants were terrible and useless, but 2 candidates really stood out.
The first was one of the aforementioned inbred genetic freaks, Doogal McGoyle. At 6'7" 290 lbs of pure muscle, this massive man-beast had been unhampered by the chromosomes that keep the rest of us in check. He obliterated his competition on both sides of the ball, and was looking to be the next big addition to the team. Unfortunately, as the tryout leaders were contacting management, one of the tryout tailgaters (later confirmed to have been high on a mixture of angel dust and grain alcohol spiked with bath salts), bit off McGoyle's kneecap in a "zombie-like rage". McGoyle will never be able to use that leg again, ending his career before it even began.
The second prospect was a skinny transvestite with a creepy blonde mustache. He/she came in looking pathetic until the kicking drills. After knocking several punts over 70 yards with 5+ second hang times, the tryout leaders took notice. When it came time to take some film and do some official measurements, he/she pulled off their helmet and announced "I'm going to be the next star in San Jose, and I don't need balls to do it!", then promptly broke his/her spine while warming up to kick.
Having found no suitable possibilities, the tryouts were considered a possible failure, but a managerial success. They plan to keep the community outreach up and build excitement for the future of the team. We have also heard rumor that they may be attempting to reach out to the tailgater for a tryout when he gets out of jail, while simultaneously lobbying the league to allow the use of bath salts for players.
San Jose's new Exotic Smashmouth scheme seems to be trying every angle. Unfortunately they're going to have to look elsewhere to find that new "Z" factor they might be looking for. We can only assume that they will start trying tactics found in other movies. We can only assume they have scouts throughout California's many overcrowded prisons and jails. They may also consider women, high schoolers, the elderly, trash men, dogs, and angels.
We can't wait to see what exactly the Sabercats are up to next. We have no idea what the heck it might be, but we know it will be newsworthy.
@ckroyal92
@7hawk77
@Muford
@tlk742
GRADED
This past weekend, the Sabercats, inspired by the movie "Rudy", held an open tryout to anyone in the community who thought they had what it takes to be a champion. The invitation attracted hundreds of participants: High School has-beens, College Dropouts, stay at home dads looking to regain some masculinity, frat bros, NEETs who's parents forced them to put on their big boy capes and get the hell out of the house, and inbred genetic freaks hoping to take advantage of their mutant strength.
The interested prospects met outside of the Pavilion, and were promptly informed that they were not worthy of playing on such hallowed ground. As such, they were loaded on to buses and driven to a local high school for the tryouts. Upon arriving at the school they were given a motivational speech by a professional Ethan Hunt impersonator (Sponsored by Subway: Eat Fresh!), and then went on to drills. They put the prospects through the wringer, hitting drills, route drills, blocking, and kicking. As was expected, the majority of the participants were terrible and useless, but 2 candidates really stood out.
The first was one of the aforementioned inbred genetic freaks, Doogal McGoyle. At 6'7" 290 lbs of pure muscle, this massive man-beast had been unhampered by the chromosomes that keep the rest of us in check. He obliterated his competition on both sides of the ball, and was looking to be the next big addition to the team. Unfortunately, as the tryout leaders were contacting management, one of the tryout tailgaters (later confirmed to have been high on a mixture of angel dust and grain alcohol spiked with bath salts), bit off McGoyle's kneecap in a "zombie-like rage". McGoyle will never be able to use that leg again, ending his career before it even began.
The second prospect was a skinny transvestite with a creepy blonde mustache. He/she came in looking pathetic until the kicking drills. After knocking several punts over 70 yards with 5+ second hang times, the tryout leaders took notice. When it came time to take some film and do some official measurements, he/she pulled off their helmet and announced "I'm going to be the next star in San Jose, and I don't need balls to do it!", then promptly broke his/her spine while warming up to kick.
Having found no suitable possibilities, the tryouts were considered a possible failure, but a managerial success. They plan to keep the community outreach up and build excitement for the future of the team. We have also heard rumor that they may be attempting to reach out to the tailgater for a tryout when he gets out of jail, while simultaneously lobbying the league to allow the use of bath salts for players.
San Jose's new Exotic Smashmouth scheme seems to be trying every angle. Unfortunately they're going to have to look elsewhere to find that new "Z" factor they might be looking for. We can only assume that they will start trying tactics found in other movies. We can only assume they have scouts throughout California's many overcrowded prisons and jails. They may also consider women, high schoolers, the elderly, trash men, dogs, and angels.
We can't wait to see what exactly the Sabercats are up to next. We have no idea what the heck it might be, but we know it will be newsworthy.
Code:
623 Words@ckroyal92
@7hawk77
@Muford
@tlk742
GRADED
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