*System.out.println(names[i].length());

BigKicks · (This post was last modified: 05-24-2019, 03:12 PM by BigKicks.)

The purpose of a name is to give something a specific reference to. An identifier. An address. It's a simple and clever way to avoid confusion when attempting to communicate. In your head, you can just look at something and think "Oh! That!", but if you tried to say what you're seeing to someone, saying "that" won't cut it. They have no idea what "that" is. It could be a cup. It could be a piece of food. It could be a fork (I'm eating while writing this paragraph). You need to say "fork" or "cup" so that they can differentiate between what you are and aren't talking about.

People are no exception. There are 7.7 billion people on earth, so names are crucial when you're trying to talk about someone. Some people have the same name, (first, last, or even both!), some have short names, some have long names. There's generic names (John Smith), funny names (HaHa Clinton-Dix), and absurd names (Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, pronounced Alvin). So when you go and make a Ryan Leaf Jr copypasta, you're not referencing him as "football guy", you're using his name, "Ryan Leaf Jr". "Catcher person" isn't irrelevant, "Xavier Flash" is! "Kicker man" doesn't have a long last name, "Alex Dasistwhosit whats his name again" has a long name!

You get the point. Names are important. But why do I say all of this? Why mention a couple silly league-wide jokes? Because the topic I want to talk about with you all today is about NSFL Players. Specifically, how long their names are.

Please do not use this post to justify your new player's or recreate's lengthy name (looking at you, Wolfie McDummy). The purpose of this post is to find name trends league-wide. So please, if you're tempted to name your player "Theknightswhosayekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'bang zoom-boingz'nourrrwringmm", please don't. While most players might never go over 20 characters, some do. If a character cap was made a rule, people would be pressured to make sure their name is under 20, and not try as much to make a unique, recognizable name for their player.

Part 1. Taming Hell

To do my research, I needed a list of every player ever drafted. Thankfully, they can all be found here (http://nsfl.jcink.net/index.php?showforum=175), but this format is not what I needed. I needed all the names in a spreadsheet, with each part of the name in it's own separate row. So, my idea of using the bank was thrown out before I could even think of it. I searched everywhere for a spreadsheet, but none existed. So I had to make my own. For every draft. For every player. From scratch.

So to skip some mumbo jumbo, I spent far too much time working on this. But now it exists. And anyone can use it now. Courtesy of me. You're welcome. A link to all of the spreadsheets is at the bottom of this post so that you'll actually read this instead of just looking at the results. Of course, there's nothing stopping you from scrolling down.

Part 2. Mr. Copy-Paste

My initial goal was to find the longest names ever. I didn't even consider going by first name or last name, I just went by total. Thank god for my formatting, though, or else I would've quit on finding all of that out! Let's start with something simple:

Top 10 Longest First Names

1. S11, Kwame Adayomi Mbanefo - 13
2. S01, Sensabaughdy Leafer - 12
3. S01, Saggitariutt Jefferspin - 12
4. S01, D'Brickashaw Ferguson - 12
5. S03, Calkewlated Chambers III - 11
6. S03, Shi'tterick Marks - 11
7. S15, Christopher Loren - 11
8. S01, BISQUITEEN CROCKER - 10
9. S01, Kentillian Laces - 10
10. S02, Kristoffer Sullivan - 10

What really surprised me was that half of the longest first names listed are from season 1. It took a whole space to actually break the lead the season 1 names had. And the fact that they stood at the top for 10 seasons is just something else. 14 NSFL players have had a name longer than 10 characters. The most recent addition to this list, Christopher Loren of season 15, was just able to squeeze in to this list thanks to going with an 11 character name, putting him over all the 10 character names and into this top 10 list.

I need to take a moment here to address the elephant in the room. Wolfie McDummy, an upcoming S16 NSFL Draftee, Will soon hold the record for longest first name. Wolfie is an abbreviation. His full name is Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff McDummy. That's 35 characters. Almost triple that of Kwame Adayomi. That is a ton of characters. This bastard is going to come up again soon, but first let's move on to:

Top 10 Longest Last Names

1. S15, Alex Dasistwirklichseinnachname - 26
2. S15, Troy Humuhumunukunukuapua'a -22
3. S10, Chinwemma Yobanna-Kanayochukwu - 20
4. S12, Beau Smallwood Chess - 15
5. S13, Rembrandt Khalil-Bugatti - 14
6. S15, Ahri Espeeyeeseetee - 14
7. S02, Hingle Mcringleberry - 13
8. S03, Archetype Schmarchetype - 13
9. S15, Edmond Beaver-Dantes - 13
10. S01, Sinjin Flimjollywop - 12

In what is a complete opposite of the longest first name list, this list is made up of many younger players, 5 being drafted within the past 3 seasons, and 4 from season 15 alone. Perhaps it's just me, but I swear there was a rule proposal made to limit the amount of characters in a name at some point. I've failed to track it down, so perhaps it was just my imagination.

Oh! And would you look at that! I'm first on this list! It took an entire German sentence to get ahead of Troy, who probably has a record amount of vowels in his name.

Three players from before season 5 are on this list. They were very much ahead of the curb when it came to name length. Their records stood for 7-10 seasons before the curb teleported in front of them and gets farther every passing season. Which brings us to the very reason I started this research in the first place:

Top 10 Longest Names

1. S15, Alex Dasistwirklichseinnachname - 30
2. S10, Chinwemma Yobanna-Kanayochukwu - 29
3. S15, Troy Humuhumunukunukuapua'a - 26
4. S12, Beauregard Smallwood-Chess - 25 Rv1
5. S03, Calkewlated Chambers III - 23
6. S13, Rembrandt Khalil-Bugatti - 23
7. S01, Saggitariutt Jefferspin - 22
8. S03, Archetype Schmarchetype - 22
9. S01, Reginald Hampshireton - 20
10. S01, D'Brickashaw Ferguson - 20

Well there you have it. I have the longest name. It's the first and only 30+ character name in the league. There's no reason for me to continue writing this. You've read what you came for. Except for the fact that I need to bring up Wolfie again here. As I said before, his first name alone is 35 characters, more than enough to take the first place spot. Throw in his last name and you have 42 characters. 12 more than me. This is why I referred to him as "that bastard". He's taking away my record! Not cool man! At least I'll still have the longest last name.

But in all seriousness, this list is wild. The early season players really held a grasp on this record for 7-10 seasons before later players finally started catching on. In fact, most of the players on this list have already appeared in the earlier lists. One player, however, is very much deserving of a mention. Reginald Hampshireton is the only player on this 10 longest list that doesn't have either a top 10 first or last name. He does come very close, since he's just 2 spots behind Sinjin in longest last names. But unfortunately it just isn't enough. Should've added one more character.

Rv1: @PSanchez55 pointed out that Beauregard Smallwood-Chess's name was shortened on this list. That was due to his name also being shortened on the draft forum. It has now been fixed. This means that Kwame Adayomi Mbanef has been knocked out of the top 10.

Part 2.1: Nightmare Scenario

Let's imagine for a moment that the league just one day decides all new players may only use a combination of already used first and last names. If it's been used before, they're allowed to re-use it. If not, then the name is against the rules. First off, that'd kill the league. Second, there would be potential for some wacky new names to be used. Break Law, Walt Walters, Boss Boss, Ugandan Leaf Jr, just to name a few.

However, some users would realize that they could make people fear typing their name. Draft slides would be ruined. Wiki pages consisting only the name of the player, indexes filled with illegible characters. I'm talking combining the longest first and last names into one. Want it to be long, but also sound cool? Saggitariutt Smallwood Chess would have 27 characters. Want people to stutter? Kwame Adayomi Humuhumunukunukuapua'a would have 35 characters. Want to destroy keyboards? Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Dasistwirklichseinnachname would have 61 characters. So if you take away anything from this, it should be that such a rule should NEVER exist.

Part 3: 1 Inch Pinch

Long names are cool and all, but they're too much work to type out. If it weren't for the ability to copy and paste, such names would be even harder to come across. Short names, on the other hand, are easy. They're easy to remember. There's little work you have to do to type it. They're, well, short!

Top 10 Shortest First Names

1. S01, JJ Reigns - 2
2. S01, DJ Law - 2
3. S01, AC Hackett - 2
4. S02, CA Chess - 2
5. S03, Al Sims - 2
6. S04, JR Vance - 2
7. S08, DJ Riddick - 2
8. S10, Lo Rax - 2
9. S10, AJ Robertson - 2
10. S11, KJ Becker - 2

The early bird gets the worm here. No players past season 11 are on this list. It also seems that there's room to improve. No player has had a first name 1 character long. My guess is that someone will go ahead and do just that after reading this just to get bragging rights. But guess what? I'm not going to update this! Ever! In fact I will refuse to acknowledge your existence if you do that!

One thing I noticed is that all these names besides Lo are abbreviations or shortened versions of real names. In fact, Lo is typically used as an abbreviation as well.

For anyone who doesn't know, JJ Reigns was the first pick in the league, which means this record is the longest standing in league history. Many people, including those from the very same draft, were able to tie it, but failed to break the record itself. Again, I will not recognize your existence if you make your name 1 character long.

Top 10 Shortest Last Names

1. S02, Jazzy J - 1
2. S01, DJ Law - 3
3. S01, Vinny Cox - 3
4. S01, Jaylon Lee - 3
5. S01, Dental Dam - 3
6. S02, Brokk Lee - 3
7. S02, Big Bot - 3
8. S02, Manny Paz - 3
9. S03, Charlie Law - 3
10. S03, Jimmy Cox - 3

Jazzy J's record is, in short (hehe), unbeatable. There's room for improvement in any spot besides number 1 (to which I'll still never talk about you if you try). This record is permanent. You are only able to tie it, to which you're placed in the next position that isn't 1 character long. If I had to nominate any player for the Hall of Fame, it would be Jazzy only because of his last name. He will be remembered forever.

Once again, the early seasons took over. This time to an even greater extent. No one past season 3 is on this list. There's been people that have tied 3, but they needed to have a 1 or 2 character name to get into the top 10.

Top 10 Shortest Names

1. S01, DJ Law - 5
2. S10, Lo Rax - 5
3. S02, Big Bot - 6
4. S02, Jazzy J - 6
5. S03, Al Sims - 6
6. S05, Peg Leg - 6
7. S06, Lil Bot - 6
8. S13, JN Nova - 6
9. S15, Lo Mein - 6
10. S15, Max Vaz - 6

Unlike the previous two rankings, 3 players after season 11 are on this list. There is, of course, STILL room for players to do better, but this one seems a bit easier to do well in. DJ Law has held this record ever since season 1, and has only been tied once. Jazzy also sneaks into this list thanks to his record last name.

And since I did it for the longest names, I'll tell you now that the shortest possible name in a dystopian NSFL is JJ/DJ/AC/etc. J, at 3 characters long.

Part 4: Average Length

Not everyone has a big name or micro name. Many people are just average. And that's okay. It's not about how big your name is, it's about how you use it. For example, Mike Boss is on the small side when it comes to his length, as I will explain in a moment. But instead of being sent into obscurity purgatory, he's regarded as the best QB to ever play. Quite an achievement, huh? Despite his severe disadvantage in his name, he's silenced any argument against him being the GOAT. Perhaps this only solidifies his legacy even more.

Using the data in the spreadsheets, I have made some line charts that show the average lengths of player names by season, and then created an all-time average to find seasons that were above or below average. I will go over each chart in detail, and hopefully explain the oddities within them.

[Image: h8q1wx6.png]

When it comes to first names, the first three seasons were all about big. Season 1's average is the second highest all-time fifteen seasons later. 65/136 players drafted, or about 48%, had a name 6 characters or longer. No draft has had more players like that. Not even season 15.

On the other side of the black line, 7 drafts have had a first name average below the all-time average. In fact, save for season 9 (who I will talk about in it's own paragraph), first names were notably shorter between season 4 and season 14 compared to the first three seasons. Season 7 had the lowest average in league history, and became a trend for 4 of the 5 next drafts! It wasn't until season 13 where the trends started to change again. And despite a dip again in season 14, season 15's average ended up above the black line. Long names are back in style. Take it from me.

And then there's season 9. I have no idea why there was a sudden spike in the middle of a massive length fall. Perhaps it's because it was a small draft. 14 of the 32 players drafted, or 44%, had a first name longer than 5. Regardless, season 9's average, is juuuuuuuuuuuust greater than that of season 1's.

[Image: kwpXpOs.png]

The lines here look like a scary mountain you'd see in a cartoon. A whole bunch of falls and rises and no gains or losses happening two years in a row. It's like someone just took a crayon and drew up and down a few times. To be honest, I don't like charts like this one. It's annoying to look at, and just makes me want to disassociate from it.

I do notice, though, that the rises and falls in this graph correlate with the rises and falls in the previous graph 11 times. So there is evidence that the longer the first name, the longer the last name will be. Season 9 has the greatest average again, and season 15 is going off and re-setting trends just like with first names. Season 4 is the outlier here, having the only season average below 6. I blame the small draft size again, seeing as there was only 16 players in this draft. That's the smallest NSFL draft in history.

[Image: nC6BkP3.png]

God, this one's the worst out of all of them. Why couldn't we just have a cool graph like the first one? This one just looks like it's giving a massive middle finger to us, saying "Screw your desire for nice looking data!".

Season 1, 9, and 15 just went all out and slapped their faces against their keyboard to see what would happen. Season 4 and 14 did the exact opposite. Everyone else stayed around the average.

Knowing all of this, or also knowing how to divide 755 by 2, we can find that the most average name length can be represented by two players, both drafted in season 15: Brock Landers and Xerxes Ridley! Congratulations you two, you're the epitome of AVERAGE.

Part 5. The Weathermen and the Middle Name

Stormblessed and Sunnycursed. You've heard of them before. There's something special about them. Could you tell? They don't have a first name. Everyone else does. That's why the all time first name list is missing two players. Because these two spellbound climates are very unique.

Another thing that is unique is the middle name. While I didn't record them, I know of one instance of it being used. I'm too lazy to go back and find it. But I can tell you, they are as elusive as players with no first name.

But what of players with no last name? Simple. They don't exist. Not yet at least. Someday (perhaps very soon), there will be one. And like their contemporaries, will be another truly unique name. An identifier. An address.

Spreadsheets + Images

Did I goof up somewhere? Send me a message so that I can fix it. I want this data to be as accurate as possible.