I wanted to do a different take on a mock draft so that there is a bit of variety out in the media. I decided to do the most accurate and scientific thing I could think of: leave the first round up to a random number generator.
I ended up doing two “rolls” per pick (and as you’ll see below, I changed up how I did roll two once I got to pick 2 because of reasons). The first roll determined which position (1-11) the team would target with their pick, the values were:
QB - 1, RB -2, WR - 3, TE - 4, OL - 5, DE - 6, DT - 7, LB - 8, CB - 9, S - 10, K/P - 11
To decide on the player at that position, I grabbed every S22 player from the TPE tracker and put it into an excel doc (ended up being 294). My original intent was to put 1-294 in the random number generator (that’s how many rows I got into my doc, somehow some non-S22 players made it in but this just adds to the chaos), and generate numbers until the position matched up exactly. As you’ll see that only happened with pick 1. So, without further ado… if the first round was decided by a random number generator:
Round 1!
1. AUS – The Copperheads step to the podium and roll…. An 8! Austin will look to grab a linebacker with the first overall pick after trading up to nab it. Looking at their tpe tracker page, it looks like they do have a decent need at linebacker with Honda Edmond at 793 TPE and their next highest LB at 353 from the last draft. Unless I am missing something this seems like a pretty strong roll for Austin, at least in the position department. They should be very happy with it since they traded up for this spot. Let’s see what player they get….
In an almost disastrous turn of events, Austin landed on 294, the lowest tpe earner in the class! Luckily for them it was a punter so we went back to the generator. After a few numbers at other wrong positions, Austin settles on number 256 in the draft and grabs linebacker Calvin McMann from the London Royals. Unfortunately for the Copperheads, McMann is in the 50 TPE territory of the TPE tracker, so this is quite the head scratcher at one overall. I am sure AdamS is clawing his eyes out seeing his old team reach this far at the top of the draft. We will see if the number generator has any inside information on McMann coming back to activity and being a beast for Austin
2. NOLA – Following Austin are the Second Line who also traded up to this draft spot with an expansion franchise. In a funny turn of events, New Orleans rolls a 2 for their position and will scour the draft for their preferred running back. This seems to be a theme of New Orleans’ drafts, and the number generator is on board. After numerous numbers generated landing on the wrong position (and oddly enough my own QB came up once) I decided that if I did not land on the correct position moving forward I would just move UP in the TPE ranks until I hit the next accurate position player. If I did this for Austin I would have moved up from the last place player, so I’ll leave them as is (not much would change other than the name). So now I roll…. 255! OUCH! These trades are going to look bad in hindsight. 255 was a safety, and I scrolled up a decent amount of spots, but not enough to get out of the 50 TPE range. New Orleans nabs running back Vince Waterhouse from Tijuana. Perhaps the Luchadore connection blinded Tom Hanks a bit with this pick. Or they did not want to add a stronger RB to compete with Gump/Toriki. That does feel likely.
3. PHI - The third pick belongs to the Liberty, who draw an 8 and will pick the second linebacker of this young draft. It looks like their top LB right now is just under 400 TPE, so this isn’t a bad turn of events so far for the team. They then roll a 224 which is going to continue the string of puzzling picks at the top of the first round, the fans have to be going crazy. 224 is a tight end, so Philadelphia will gain some ground here. But, they only move up a handful of spots to nab Carloe Peara from the Kansas City Coyotes. Outside of the inaugural season, this has to be the first time three 50 TPE players have gone at the top of a NSFL draft. At least I hope so? Either way, the teams yet to draft have to be both hopeful that there is a ton of talent left, but also scared because the number generator has no mercy.
4. ARI – Arizona will buck conventional wisdom at pick four, rolling a 5 and looking to grab an offensive lineman to protect young Jay Cue. Fair rubs baby! With lower OL than most other positions, I have to imagine they could see quite a significant jump up the rankings with their second roll. It comes in at a solid 163 (which isn’t great but look up above yo), and we are finally in TPE earning territory! We obviously did not hit on an OL with 163, and my earlier hunch of moving up a ton fails as Jorcher Minor of Myrtle Beach is there at number 156 and becomes the newest member of the Outlaws. Arizona fans are probably pretty confused by this pick, as it doesn’t look like they have any OL on their TPE tracker. Hopefully they can coax more TPE out of the young Minor so Cue can stay upright.
5. SJS – San Jose makes it two offensive players in a row when they come on board with a 4 for their position roll. Luckily for them, there are a lot of strong tight ends in this class who could supplement their recent draftee Leon McDavid (though probably not ideal in round one). San Jose comes up with the best luck so far with a 64 rolled! 64 is not a tight end, but 62 is and the Cats are more than happy to welcome Daniel George from the Portland Pythons to San Jose. dk87gaming is an active user that looks to be a great pick, especially with how the first four picks shook out. He is just under 200 TPE and could be a potent combo with McDavid for seasons to come. Right now they are the winners of this first round.
6. PHI – Philly is back on the clock at pick 6, and they have to hope the random number gods favor them this time around. They land on 10, and land on safety which is a bit of a luxury pick since the team already has two safeties with over 1000 tpe. It doesn’t hurt to plan for the future though! The Liberty keep the position roll hot, beating San Jose with a roll of 62! 62 of course was Daniel George, so the Liberty end up with top 50 prospect Eric Barlow from the Dallas Birddogs This is a great pick for Philadelphia, as user Thiath seems like a great and active user. He should be able to pick up the slack when LIberty's 1K safeties are aging out due to regression. It may not have been their top positional need, but in this crazy world they’ll take this value.
7. HON – The first of our expansion teams throw their hats in the ring at pick seven, with Honolulu starting off the franchise with… 1 a QB! This should be very interesting, QB is very important to the team obviously… but with Havran coming over from the Hawks already they probably were hoping for a different direction in round 1, but the number generator knows what is best. They roll a paltry 240, but are hoping they missed all the IA QB’s in the list. And… OUCH! The first pick of Honolulu is QB Cavalier Craighorn who apparently plays for the Tijuana Luchadores. Congrats, you got a 50 tpe qb for the future! The new Honolulu fans have to be wondering what their gm’s are up to, and the head office is probably wondering if they chose the right people for the job.
8. COL – The Yeti approach the podium as officials try to quiet Honolulu’s sobs in the background. Colorado lands a 4 which signals the second tight end of the draft is about to be selected. The Yeti have to hope their recent luck turns with this generator…. And they hit a 32! The gm’s have to be feeling great about that roll. Even though they have a great young TE in Earl Sauce, with how this round is going they will take an active user at any spot I’m sure. 32 was not a tight end, so the Yeti’s fortunes continue upward and land on Myrtle Beach monster Heath Evans. Feeler has been very active in the league and is sitting at 212 TPE in the tracker. So far Colorado and Philly have to be feeling great about their picks.
9. BAL – Next, the Hawks are handed a 10 by the generator and will look to the safety prospects for their first round pick. With two Season 15 safeties on their squad, it is a position of strength right now, but they could build for the future with this pick. Their 159 roll takes them outside of the 50 TPE users thankfully, but not by much. 159 actually turns out to be a safety who is a current free agent, Calum Auron. The Hawks go very very bold here selecting a player who is not even on a DSFL roster, but maybe their scouts saw something in him when… he was taking out his garbage or something? Well this is a head scratcher and the first time I have seen a free agent get drafted, but it is a crazy Covid world we live in now.
10. OCO – The Otters have to hope that a lot of the first round luck was saved up for their pick. They roll a 2 and will follow the Second Line’s lead with a running back pick. With Season 15 RB Ludicolo Bigby seeing regression this offseason it isn’t a terrible roll for Orange County. Their 164 roll for player certainly is another story though. They do move up 50-ish spots in the ranks due to the position matching though, and they end up with Zed Keppler from Portland to add to their backfield prospects. Keppler is just under 100 TPE to his name right now, so user sayitundefined would be smart to listen to Orange County’s veteran leadership. He may need to be a key offensive piece with some pieces on their O aging out in regression.
11. YKW – The Ultimus runners up get a bit of good fortune this time around as they roll a 9 for the draft’s first cornerback prospect. This class’ CB group is very deep and very talented, so depending on their second roll we could see the Wraiths get the steal of the first round here. They hit a disheartening 160, which is not a CB, and they move up to Kansas City’s Cody Martin at pick 11. Not quite the top earner they were wishing for, but they are at least out of the 50 tpe range that the top picks fell into. Cornerback is actually a strength for Yellow Knife, with two 900+ tpe CB’s on their roster, so at least they can rest their head at night knowing that.
12. NOLA – Finally the champions approach the benevolent number generator for the last pick in the first round. The Second Line closes their eyes, and lands on 11. We will be ending the first round with a kicker! What diversity in this draft. New Orleans has a young S19 kicker, but at 267 tpe isn’t a huge roadblock if NOLA gets lucky with this next roll. The generator gives the Second Line 158, and it really seems to enjoy that range of prospects for some reason. New Orleans’ pick 12 ends up being Tijuana’s Jacob Small. I’m in Tijuana with bjkman, and I think this is a great pick for NOLA just based off the user. He’s fun in the locker room, and I really think this is a solid addition for New Orleans even if a kicker does give some fans a reason to scratch their heads. But hey, they just won the Ultimus just trust the process… and trust the number generator. Always trust the number generator.
What did we learn here? Well, probably nothing. But I actually had fun with this nonsense and I learned a bit about teams’ rosters with the bit of research I did. Despite some wonky picks, there are actually some REALLY good users that ended up in this mock so that’s kind of cool. Either way, I have to think this is going to be the least accurate mock of the offseason so you are very welcome if you made it this far.
(2,248 words allegedly)
I ended up doing two “rolls” per pick (and as you’ll see below, I changed up how I did roll two once I got to pick 2 because of reasons). The first roll determined which position (1-11) the team would target with their pick, the values were:
QB - 1, RB -2, WR - 3, TE - 4, OL - 5, DE - 6, DT - 7, LB - 8, CB - 9, S - 10, K/P - 11
To decide on the player at that position, I grabbed every S22 player from the TPE tracker and put it into an excel doc (ended up being 294). My original intent was to put 1-294 in the random number generator (that’s how many rows I got into my doc, somehow some non-S22 players made it in but this just adds to the chaos), and generate numbers until the position matched up exactly. As you’ll see that only happened with pick 1. So, without further ado… if the first round was decided by a random number generator:
Round 1!
1. AUS – The Copperheads step to the podium and roll…. An 8! Austin will look to grab a linebacker with the first overall pick after trading up to nab it. Looking at their tpe tracker page, it looks like they do have a decent need at linebacker with Honda Edmond at 793 TPE and their next highest LB at 353 from the last draft. Unless I am missing something this seems like a pretty strong roll for Austin, at least in the position department. They should be very happy with it since they traded up for this spot. Let’s see what player they get….
In an almost disastrous turn of events, Austin landed on 294, the lowest tpe earner in the class! Luckily for them it was a punter so we went back to the generator. After a few numbers at other wrong positions, Austin settles on number 256 in the draft and grabs linebacker Calvin McMann from the London Royals. Unfortunately for the Copperheads, McMann is in the 50 TPE territory of the TPE tracker, so this is quite the head scratcher at one overall. I am sure AdamS is clawing his eyes out seeing his old team reach this far at the top of the draft. We will see if the number generator has any inside information on McMann coming back to activity and being a beast for Austin
2. NOLA – Following Austin are the Second Line who also traded up to this draft spot with an expansion franchise. In a funny turn of events, New Orleans rolls a 2 for their position and will scour the draft for their preferred running back. This seems to be a theme of New Orleans’ drafts, and the number generator is on board. After numerous numbers generated landing on the wrong position (and oddly enough my own QB came up once) I decided that if I did not land on the correct position moving forward I would just move UP in the TPE ranks until I hit the next accurate position player. If I did this for Austin I would have moved up from the last place player, so I’ll leave them as is (not much would change other than the name). So now I roll…. 255! OUCH! These trades are going to look bad in hindsight. 255 was a safety, and I scrolled up a decent amount of spots, but not enough to get out of the 50 TPE range. New Orleans nabs running back Vince Waterhouse from Tijuana. Perhaps the Luchadore connection blinded Tom Hanks a bit with this pick. Or they did not want to add a stronger RB to compete with Gump/Toriki. That does feel likely.
3. PHI - The third pick belongs to the Liberty, who draw an 8 and will pick the second linebacker of this young draft. It looks like their top LB right now is just under 400 TPE, so this isn’t a bad turn of events so far for the team. They then roll a 224 which is going to continue the string of puzzling picks at the top of the first round, the fans have to be going crazy. 224 is a tight end, so Philadelphia will gain some ground here. But, they only move up a handful of spots to nab Carloe Peara from the Kansas City Coyotes. Outside of the inaugural season, this has to be the first time three 50 TPE players have gone at the top of a NSFL draft. At least I hope so? Either way, the teams yet to draft have to be both hopeful that there is a ton of talent left, but also scared because the number generator has no mercy.
4. ARI – Arizona will buck conventional wisdom at pick four, rolling a 5 and looking to grab an offensive lineman to protect young Jay Cue. Fair rubs baby! With lower OL than most other positions, I have to imagine they could see quite a significant jump up the rankings with their second roll. It comes in at a solid 163 (which isn’t great but look up above yo), and we are finally in TPE earning territory! We obviously did not hit on an OL with 163, and my earlier hunch of moving up a ton fails as Jorcher Minor of Myrtle Beach is there at number 156 and becomes the newest member of the Outlaws. Arizona fans are probably pretty confused by this pick, as it doesn’t look like they have any OL on their TPE tracker. Hopefully they can coax more TPE out of the young Minor so Cue can stay upright.
5. SJS – San Jose makes it two offensive players in a row when they come on board with a 4 for their position roll. Luckily for them, there are a lot of strong tight ends in this class who could supplement their recent draftee Leon McDavid (though probably not ideal in round one). San Jose comes up with the best luck so far with a 64 rolled! 64 is not a tight end, but 62 is and the Cats are more than happy to welcome Daniel George from the Portland Pythons to San Jose. dk87gaming is an active user that looks to be a great pick, especially with how the first four picks shook out. He is just under 200 TPE and could be a potent combo with McDavid for seasons to come. Right now they are the winners of this first round.
6. PHI – Philly is back on the clock at pick 6, and they have to hope the random number gods favor them this time around. They land on 10, and land on safety which is a bit of a luxury pick since the team already has two safeties with over 1000 tpe. It doesn’t hurt to plan for the future though! The Liberty keep the position roll hot, beating San Jose with a roll of 62! 62 of course was Daniel George, so the Liberty end up with top 50 prospect Eric Barlow from the Dallas Birddogs This is a great pick for Philadelphia, as user Thiath seems like a great and active user. He should be able to pick up the slack when LIberty's 1K safeties are aging out due to regression. It may not have been their top positional need, but in this crazy world they’ll take this value.
7. HON – The first of our expansion teams throw their hats in the ring at pick seven, with Honolulu starting off the franchise with… 1 a QB! This should be very interesting, QB is very important to the team obviously… but with Havran coming over from the Hawks already they probably were hoping for a different direction in round 1, but the number generator knows what is best. They roll a paltry 240, but are hoping they missed all the IA QB’s in the list. And… OUCH! The first pick of Honolulu is QB Cavalier Craighorn who apparently plays for the Tijuana Luchadores. Congrats, you got a 50 tpe qb for the future! The new Honolulu fans have to be wondering what their gm’s are up to, and the head office is probably wondering if they chose the right people for the job.
8. COL – The Yeti approach the podium as officials try to quiet Honolulu’s sobs in the background. Colorado lands a 4 which signals the second tight end of the draft is about to be selected. The Yeti have to hope their recent luck turns with this generator…. And they hit a 32! The gm’s have to be feeling great about that roll. Even though they have a great young TE in Earl Sauce, with how this round is going they will take an active user at any spot I’m sure. 32 was not a tight end, so the Yeti’s fortunes continue upward and land on Myrtle Beach monster Heath Evans. Feeler has been very active in the league and is sitting at 212 TPE in the tracker. So far Colorado and Philly have to be feeling great about their picks.
9. BAL – Next, the Hawks are handed a 10 by the generator and will look to the safety prospects for their first round pick. With two Season 15 safeties on their squad, it is a position of strength right now, but they could build for the future with this pick. Their 159 roll takes them outside of the 50 TPE users thankfully, but not by much. 159 actually turns out to be a safety who is a current free agent, Calum Auron. The Hawks go very very bold here selecting a player who is not even on a DSFL roster, but maybe their scouts saw something in him when… he was taking out his garbage or something? Well this is a head scratcher and the first time I have seen a free agent get drafted, but it is a crazy Covid world we live in now.
10. OCO – The Otters have to hope that a lot of the first round luck was saved up for their pick. They roll a 2 and will follow the Second Line’s lead with a running back pick. With Season 15 RB Ludicolo Bigby seeing regression this offseason it isn’t a terrible roll for Orange County. Their 164 roll for player certainly is another story though. They do move up 50-ish spots in the ranks due to the position matching though, and they end up with Zed Keppler from Portland to add to their backfield prospects. Keppler is just under 100 TPE to his name right now, so user sayitundefined would be smart to listen to Orange County’s veteran leadership. He may need to be a key offensive piece with some pieces on their O aging out in regression.
11. YKW – The Ultimus runners up get a bit of good fortune this time around as they roll a 9 for the draft’s first cornerback prospect. This class’ CB group is very deep and very talented, so depending on their second roll we could see the Wraiths get the steal of the first round here. They hit a disheartening 160, which is not a CB, and they move up to Kansas City’s Cody Martin at pick 11. Not quite the top earner they were wishing for, but they are at least out of the 50 tpe range that the top picks fell into. Cornerback is actually a strength for Yellow Knife, with two 900+ tpe CB’s on their roster, so at least they can rest their head at night knowing that.
12. NOLA – Finally the champions approach the benevolent number generator for the last pick in the first round. The Second Line closes their eyes, and lands on 11. We will be ending the first round with a kicker! What diversity in this draft. New Orleans has a young S19 kicker, but at 267 tpe isn’t a huge roadblock if NOLA gets lucky with this next roll. The generator gives the Second Line 158, and it really seems to enjoy that range of prospects for some reason. New Orleans’ pick 12 ends up being Tijuana’s Jacob Small. I’m in Tijuana with bjkman, and I think this is a great pick for NOLA just based off the user. He’s fun in the locker room, and I really think this is a solid addition for New Orleans even if a kicker does give some fans a reason to scratch their heads. But hey, they just won the Ultimus just trust the process… and trust the number generator. Always trust the number generator.
What did we learn here? Well, probably nothing. But I actually had fun with this nonsense and I learned a bit about teams’ rosters with the bit of research I did. Despite some wonky picks, there are actually some REALLY good users that ended up in this mock so that’s kind of cool. Either way, I have to think this is going to be the least accurate mock of the offseason so you are very welcome if you made it this far.
(2,248 words allegedly)
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