Disclaimer: all TPE is based off player update pages that I check this morning.
Round 1, Pick 1 – Chicago Butchers
LB - Juan Domine (334 TPE)
This pick should surprise no one. The only difficult thing about analyzing this pick is trying to decide which is better: his on field performance or his off field contributions. I whole-heartedly agreed with Syl’s analysis on the draft stream. Domine has future GM written all over him. The dude led the league in tackles and was instrumental in behind the scene aspects as well. He joins a young team in the Butcher who have no players in regression. I am excited to watch his career progress.
Fun Fact: people often speculate how Juan is capable of flying through the gaps and blowing up running backs. It actually traces back to his childhood. Growing up, his family had pet pigs. As you know, pigs have a very low center of gravity, so instead of chasing the pigs to catch them, he would lower his body and try to knock them on their sides. On wet, muddy days, they also made for good practice on wrapping up ball carriers.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Swiss Army Knife. Every human needs a Swiss Army Knife, just like every team needs a Juan Domine. He’s reliable, provides solutions to multiple problems, and is always there when you need him. A step above duct tape.
Round 1, Pick 2 – San Jose SaberCats
WR - Joshua Campbell (343 TPE)
The 6’-2”, 215 pounder was the 1st WR taken in the draft and rightly so. He has a monstrous amount of TPE and is a long time user and GM of Kansas City. He has got the speed to burn CB’s and the hands that’ll make him a threat to one day lead the league in receptions. He goes a little higher than most mocks projected, but he is anything but a reach. He will make a solid addition to the SaberCats.
Fun Fact: growing up in Wyoming, there were plenty of horses around. Joshua used these horses to increase his speed. Day after day he would hop the fence to his family’s field and chase down these horses. He was able to catch all of them, except the infamously slippery steed named Wallabee. To this day, Joushua returns to his family ranch each offseason in attempt to catch Wallabee. Maybe one day, kiddo, maybe one day.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Can of Soup. When his quarterbacks are hungry for some yards, they need to look no further than this ole chunky can of soup. It is easy for him to get open and he’ll fill that appetite for yards. If you feed on him too much, it will result in YAC, which is good in his case.
Round 1, Pick 3 – Honolulu Hahalua
DE - Asher Montain (265 TPE)
The previous #1 overall pick in the DSFL falls down the #3 in the ISFL. Still a very respectable position. Montain did everything for Kansas City that you would expect a #1 pick to do. He filled a much needed hole on their DL and will look to provide the same immediate impact over in Hawaii. I will tell you this much, moving from Kansas City to Honolulu sounds pretty good to me. A bama boy through and through, the climate change should not be too difficult of an adjustment for this big man.
Fun Fact: Montain actually weight 350 pounds in high school before heading to the University of Alabama. The reason was grits. He just could not stop eating them. And it was not even because he like the taste, he just thought that by eating grits, he would get more grit on the football field. As they say, “you are what you eat”.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Truck Stop Ash Tray. This dude can take a beating. He is surrounded by some of the nastiest players on the field, but that doesn’t stop him from doing his job. Play after play, cigarette after cigarette, Asher keeps on trucking. He will get to that quarterback and you cannot stop him.
Round 1, Pick 4 – Sarasota Sailfish
DE - Harrison Andrews (291 TPE)
Born in Florida, Harrison will get to play for his hometown team. Drafted as a TE to the Royals, Andrews made his switch to the DL as it was an area of need. There was no complaining from him. He showed up to work each day, put in the effort, and got better. He did not make the most plays for the Royals defense, but the plays he did make were in big moments during big games. Sarasota gets a player with the intangible clutch trait; something that cannot be taught. Rumor has it, another position change is in the works, but that will not affect his productivity. He is a plug and play. Just get this kid on the field and he will make a positive impact for your team.
Fun Fact: Harrison has often been called “Florida Man”. The nickname came about before the internet meme, however, it’s been an uphill battle to turn it into a compliment. Try as he must, his fellow Florida Men are not making it any easier. Best of luck, bud.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Bath Salts. Inside the locker room, he’s a calming force. He can make anyone feel good after a difficult day. On the field, he’s an absolute menace. I’m not saying he’s actually eating people’s brains, but he’s doing the football equivalent.
Round 1, Pick 5 – Baltimore Hawks
S - Maverick Bowie (329 TPE) TIJ
Depth in the secondary is always a plus, and the Hawks got just that in Bowie. In an ever changing league, you’ll often have 5 secondary players on the field, so the more the merrier. Bowie put up some impressive stats as a rookie for Tijuana. Not afraid to come up to the line of scrimmage makes Bowie the perfect candidate for the hybrid safety/slot corner spot. The Hawks saw a need and filled it. With the amount of TPE he has, it would not be a shock to see him called up right away.
Fun Fact: despite popular belief, Maverick is not named after the character from the classic film Top Gun. It is actually a family name. For over 200 years, the Bowie family would name their prize horse Maverick, until recently when famine struck, and all their horses tragically died. A few months later, Mr. and Mrs. Bowie had a baby boy, who they promptly named Maverick.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Crossbow. Not the loudest of weapons, but when he is locked on to the ball carrier, he will wallop them before they hear him coming. The speed, accuracy, and angles he takes cannot be matched. Like most good things, he is silent, but deadly. The weapon of choice for any true hunter.
Round 1, Pick 6 – Arizona Outlaws
WR - Gunner Thorbjornsson (297 TPE)
Taken 47th overall in the DSFL draft, Thorbjornsson had a chip on his shoulder and wanted to prove he was one of the best. He made a quick impact in the Royal’s locker room and earned a starting spot on the team after just a few weeks. He led all DSFL rookies in both receptions (44) and yards (587). He also dominated the combine, which vaulted his draft stock even more. He is an athletic freak. Thorbjornsson is a competitor through and through. If you challenge him, he will compete. If you get in his way, he will move you out of the way. He wants to win, and he will make sure everyone around knows it. A classic, love to have him on your team, but hate to play against him type guy.
Fun Fact: Gunner was never really about learning via books. He just wanted to get out and play. Because of this, he could not spell his last name until the 9th grade. Prior to this, his mother would write out his name on stickers and he would stick them to the top of his homework assignments.
Inanimate Object Comparison: A Marble. He is just as fast going sideways as he is forward. He is also a dense body that can bounce of opponents. Definitely the shooter of the group, he’ll run over opponents and fight for every inch. His eyes are also that milky way pattern infamous with marbles and he is as dumb as a rock. Wait…I should not be saying such mean things about myself. Oh well, I will have forgotten by the time I am done writing the rest of this review.
Round 1, Pick 7 – New Orleans Second Line
S - Quentin Button (256 TPE)
Another safety off the board. Button had a great season for the Norfolk Seawolves. It is no surprise he went in the first round. He was immense in run support and often become a presence in the opposition backfield. A down hill, head smasher, Button will not have to remind you that you have been hit. He puts his body through a beating game in, game out, which is exactly what you want in a safety. NOLA deepen their secondary with a great pick here. It will be interesting to see if Button gets called up immediately.
Fun Fact: hates the phrase “cute as a button” which makes sense seeing as how that is basically his name. He is a football player; he wants to be mean. He gets set off in a similar fashion as Bobby Bouche hearing about Gatorade, so opposing teams be weary.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Zipper. Once he wraps his hands around you, there is no escape. It is a sure tackle. He is industrious and reliable. Capable of performing the same task over and over to perfection. Every now and then he will get stuck, but a swift bonk will jar him loose and he will be ready to go.
Round 1, Pick 8 – Austin Copperheads
RB - Zoe Watts (356 TPE)
The first running back and female off the board. Watts leads this year’s class in TPE and is a steal at #8 in the draft. Her 94 speed is also top of the class. Austin should be ecstatic with this pick. Originally drafted as a kicker to Dallas, who knows if another position change is in the cards. It certainly could be as she has the flexibility to play just about anywhere. With her TEP, she could likely make an impact straight away in the ISFL, but it would likely require a position swap. Best of luck to her.
Fun Fact: a born and raised Cali girl, Zoe grew up playing outdoor sports. She was the best kicker in high school and college, but as soon as she hit the pros, Dallas realized she was also the fasters player on the field. This gives her the rare ability to kick off the ball to herself. It is quite the party trick and should impress the Copperheads veterans.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Lightbulb. As soon as the flip is switched, she is through that hole faster than you can say “let there be light”. She is also full of ideas when it comes to breaking tackles and evading line backers.
Round 1, Pick 9 – Colorado Yeti
K/P - Melvin Murder-Moose (285 TPE)
Definitely some character concerns with this pick as Murder-Moose is known for killing at least one person, Daria Guava-Fresca. Daria was the reigning DSFL kicker of the year and now she is dead (RIP). The one redeeming factor about Murder-Moose is that he was somehow able to steel Daria’s kicking powers. If anything, he may even be a better kicker as moose are know for having strong legs. If Colorado can keep the murdering to a minimum, they have got themselves a solid pick here.
Fun Fact: Melvin is a moose. And not just any type of moose, but a murdering moose. Do not get on his wrong side and always give him cake. Melvin is the only living creature known to be capable of having his cake and eating it too.
Inanimate Object Comparison: A Christmas Story’s Leg Lamp. Since assuming Daria’s identity, technically Melvin has won a major award. The most important part of a kicker are the legs, what better comparison than the one with a soft glow of electric sex. If he continues to perform at the pace of his predecessor, he will indeed be the talk of the town.
Round 1, Pick 10 – Orange County Otters
QB - Joseph Joestar (TPE 348)
The first quarterback is off the board, and in the 1st round no less. Joestar split time at QB down in Myrtle Beach, but he still made a solid impact to the team. Coming into next year fully capped will also help his stat line. A true gunslinger in the mold of Brett Favre, Joestar has never met a pass that did not look completable. There’s pros and cons to this, but as long as he gets the proper coaching, he could be the next big thing in the ISFL.
Fun Fact: Joseph pregame routine includes eating crayons. Do not ask me why, I don’t know. At this point in his life, I am not sure he knows anymore. Legend has it, he thought the orange one as a piece of cheese and ate it before a Pop Warner game. In that game he had 7 touchdowns. Allegedly he has been doing it ever since, but he will deny it when asked because he’s ashamed of it. Be strong brotha, you do you.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Slingshot. And not just any type of slingshot; we are talking about a good ole fashioned wrist rocket. When fully cocked, he can launch the ball with more velocity and accuracy than previously thought possible. Young children will grow up loving him as their favorite childhood memory.
Round 1, Pick 11 – Philadelphia Liberty
DE - Dorothy Zbornak (270 TPE)
This big, beef defensive lineman almost made it out of the first round. I am glad she did not. The 10 teams that passed on her are going to regret it when she beats them all up and shoves them into a locker. Sure, she is 62, but she’s in the better shape than anyone in the league. Philly were smart enough to not pass on her, and Yellowknife lucky enough to not have a chance to pass on her. She will have a chip on her shoulder, and it will likely be massive. Watch out league, Zbornak is coming for you.
Fun Fact: Dorothy has never used steroids. I feel like that is not really a fun fact for most draftees, but it’s worth mentioning once you get a look at her. He muscles have muscles and she makes most men cry after she humiliates them in arm wrestling. Word to the wise, just admit you are weaker than her.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Barrell of Monkeys. Have you seen her arms? This is an easy comparison. She has the strength of multiple apes, and everyone knows an ape is 10x stronger than a human. Thus Dorothy is on average, 30-50x stronger than the average human. ISFL offensive lineman should be trembling in their boots.
Round 1, Pick 12 – Yellowknife Wraiths
LB - Brach Thomaslacher (266 TPE)
The reigning champs close out the first round with a solid selection at linebacker. Thomaslacher had a very productive season with the Coyotes doing a little bit of everything on defense. He will have two great veteran linebackers to learn from and will be in line to succeed them in the following seasons. More of a speed rusher, than your typical middle linebacker, Thomaslacher can keep pace with the speediest of backs. This will help him at the next level as everything moves quicker.
Fun Fact: Brach is a very talented painter. He is working on a new style properly named Pewpew Cacheew, where he slurps up the paint into his mouth and spits it on the canvas. It is definitely an odd approach, but the results are mesmerizing. If you have got the cash, it is well worth the investment. Once he retires and makes the hall of fame, the paintings will quadruple in value. That is as solid of an investment as one can make.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Jockstrap. Not the most comfortable to be around, but a must when it comes to self protection. As a linebacker, his job it to protect the endzone from enemies. He provides such protection and does not mind doing the dirty, stinky work. A true team player that will never complain about where he is put or what he is told to do.
BONUS ANALYSIS: Round 2, Pick 5
LB - Busch Light (286 TPE)
I could not finish this review without giving one last shoutout and review to my fellow Royal, Busch Light. The dude was overshadowed by an unearthly performance by #1 pick, Juan Domine. However, that does not mean Light was anything short of spectacular. Busch Light had a massive amount of tackles and led all DSFL linebackers in passes deflected. To say Busch was to Domine as Robin was to Batman is disrespectful. The man himself was also up for LBotY. As solid of a one two punch as the DSFL has seen, Busch is a great value pick in the 2nd round.
Fun Fact: This one is pretty obvious, but Busch only drinks Busch Light. He has been drinking it since he was a toddler and he claims it gives him super power. While this is highly unlikely, there is a slight chance it is true. Imagine having a super hero on your football team. Well done New Orleans.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Beer can. Duh, there could be no other comparison. And sure, while it is a clever match in terms on his namesake, it also makes sense philosophically. Everyone loves beer, and every one loves their football team. So picture Busch as the can that protects the beer, ergo, the man who protects his team. The can never gets the credit as everyone points to the beer being the best part. However, without the can, you have no beer. So without Busch, you have no defense.
Round 1, Pick 1 – Chicago Butchers
LB - Juan Domine (334 TPE)
This pick should surprise no one. The only difficult thing about analyzing this pick is trying to decide which is better: his on field performance or his off field contributions. I whole-heartedly agreed with Syl’s analysis on the draft stream. Domine has future GM written all over him. The dude led the league in tackles and was instrumental in behind the scene aspects as well. He joins a young team in the Butcher who have no players in regression. I am excited to watch his career progress.
Fun Fact: people often speculate how Juan is capable of flying through the gaps and blowing up running backs. It actually traces back to his childhood. Growing up, his family had pet pigs. As you know, pigs have a very low center of gravity, so instead of chasing the pigs to catch them, he would lower his body and try to knock them on their sides. On wet, muddy days, they also made for good practice on wrapping up ball carriers.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Swiss Army Knife. Every human needs a Swiss Army Knife, just like every team needs a Juan Domine. He’s reliable, provides solutions to multiple problems, and is always there when you need him. A step above duct tape.
Round 1, Pick 2 – San Jose SaberCats
WR - Joshua Campbell (343 TPE)
The 6’-2”, 215 pounder was the 1st WR taken in the draft and rightly so. He has a monstrous amount of TPE and is a long time user and GM of Kansas City. He has got the speed to burn CB’s and the hands that’ll make him a threat to one day lead the league in receptions. He goes a little higher than most mocks projected, but he is anything but a reach. He will make a solid addition to the SaberCats.
Fun Fact: growing up in Wyoming, there were plenty of horses around. Joshua used these horses to increase his speed. Day after day he would hop the fence to his family’s field and chase down these horses. He was able to catch all of them, except the infamously slippery steed named Wallabee. To this day, Joushua returns to his family ranch each offseason in attempt to catch Wallabee. Maybe one day, kiddo, maybe one day.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Can of Soup. When his quarterbacks are hungry for some yards, they need to look no further than this ole chunky can of soup. It is easy for him to get open and he’ll fill that appetite for yards. If you feed on him too much, it will result in YAC, which is good in his case.
Round 1, Pick 3 – Honolulu Hahalua
DE - Asher Montain (265 TPE)
The previous #1 overall pick in the DSFL falls down the #3 in the ISFL. Still a very respectable position. Montain did everything for Kansas City that you would expect a #1 pick to do. He filled a much needed hole on their DL and will look to provide the same immediate impact over in Hawaii. I will tell you this much, moving from Kansas City to Honolulu sounds pretty good to me. A bama boy through and through, the climate change should not be too difficult of an adjustment for this big man.
Fun Fact: Montain actually weight 350 pounds in high school before heading to the University of Alabama. The reason was grits. He just could not stop eating them. And it was not even because he like the taste, he just thought that by eating grits, he would get more grit on the football field. As they say, “you are what you eat”.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Truck Stop Ash Tray. This dude can take a beating. He is surrounded by some of the nastiest players on the field, but that doesn’t stop him from doing his job. Play after play, cigarette after cigarette, Asher keeps on trucking. He will get to that quarterback and you cannot stop him.
Round 1, Pick 4 – Sarasota Sailfish
DE - Harrison Andrews (291 TPE)
Born in Florida, Harrison will get to play for his hometown team. Drafted as a TE to the Royals, Andrews made his switch to the DL as it was an area of need. There was no complaining from him. He showed up to work each day, put in the effort, and got better. He did not make the most plays for the Royals defense, but the plays he did make were in big moments during big games. Sarasota gets a player with the intangible clutch trait; something that cannot be taught. Rumor has it, another position change is in the works, but that will not affect his productivity. He is a plug and play. Just get this kid on the field and he will make a positive impact for your team.
Fun Fact: Harrison has often been called “Florida Man”. The nickname came about before the internet meme, however, it’s been an uphill battle to turn it into a compliment. Try as he must, his fellow Florida Men are not making it any easier. Best of luck, bud.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Bath Salts. Inside the locker room, he’s a calming force. He can make anyone feel good after a difficult day. On the field, he’s an absolute menace. I’m not saying he’s actually eating people’s brains, but he’s doing the football equivalent.
Round 1, Pick 5 – Baltimore Hawks
S - Maverick Bowie (329 TPE) TIJ
Depth in the secondary is always a plus, and the Hawks got just that in Bowie. In an ever changing league, you’ll often have 5 secondary players on the field, so the more the merrier. Bowie put up some impressive stats as a rookie for Tijuana. Not afraid to come up to the line of scrimmage makes Bowie the perfect candidate for the hybrid safety/slot corner spot. The Hawks saw a need and filled it. With the amount of TPE he has, it would not be a shock to see him called up right away.
Fun Fact: despite popular belief, Maverick is not named after the character from the classic film Top Gun. It is actually a family name. For over 200 years, the Bowie family would name their prize horse Maverick, until recently when famine struck, and all their horses tragically died. A few months later, Mr. and Mrs. Bowie had a baby boy, who they promptly named Maverick.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Crossbow. Not the loudest of weapons, but when he is locked on to the ball carrier, he will wallop them before they hear him coming. The speed, accuracy, and angles he takes cannot be matched. Like most good things, he is silent, but deadly. The weapon of choice for any true hunter.
Round 1, Pick 6 – Arizona Outlaws
WR - Gunner Thorbjornsson (297 TPE)
Taken 47th overall in the DSFL draft, Thorbjornsson had a chip on his shoulder and wanted to prove he was one of the best. He made a quick impact in the Royal’s locker room and earned a starting spot on the team after just a few weeks. He led all DSFL rookies in both receptions (44) and yards (587). He also dominated the combine, which vaulted his draft stock even more. He is an athletic freak. Thorbjornsson is a competitor through and through. If you challenge him, he will compete. If you get in his way, he will move you out of the way. He wants to win, and he will make sure everyone around knows it. A classic, love to have him on your team, but hate to play against him type guy.
Fun Fact: Gunner was never really about learning via books. He just wanted to get out and play. Because of this, he could not spell his last name until the 9th grade. Prior to this, his mother would write out his name on stickers and he would stick them to the top of his homework assignments.
Inanimate Object Comparison: A Marble. He is just as fast going sideways as he is forward. He is also a dense body that can bounce of opponents. Definitely the shooter of the group, he’ll run over opponents and fight for every inch. His eyes are also that milky way pattern infamous with marbles and he is as dumb as a rock. Wait…I should not be saying such mean things about myself. Oh well, I will have forgotten by the time I am done writing the rest of this review.
Round 1, Pick 7 – New Orleans Second Line
S - Quentin Button (256 TPE)
Another safety off the board. Button had a great season for the Norfolk Seawolves. It is no surprise he went in the first round. He was immense in run support and often become a presence in the opposition backfield. A down hill, head smasher, Button will not have to remind you that you have been hit. He puts his body through a beating game in, game out, which is exactly what you want in a safety. NOLA deepen their secondary with a great pick here. It will be interesting to see if Button gets called up immediately.
Fun Fact: hates the phrase “cute as a button” which makes sense seeing as how that is basically his name. He is a football player; he wants to be mean. He gets set off in a similar fashion as Bobby Bouche hearing about Gatorade, so opposing teams be weary.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Zipper. Once he wraps his hands around you, there is no escape. It is a sure tackle. He is industrious and reliable. Capable of performing the same task over and over to perfection. Every now and then he will get stuck, but a swift bonk will jar him loose and he will be ready to go.
Round 1, Pick 8 – Austin Copperheads
RB - Zoe Watts (356 TPE)
The first running back and female off the board. Watts leads this year’s class in TPE and is a steal at #8 in the draft. Her 94 speed is also top of the class. Austin should be ecstatic with this pick. Originally drafted as a kicker to Dallas, who knows if another position change is in the cards. It certainly could be as she has the flexibility to play just about anywhere. With her TEP, she could likely make an impact straight away in the ISFL, but it would likely require a position swap. Best of luck to her.
Fun Fact: a born and raised Cali girl, Zoe grew up playing outdoor sports. She was the best kicker in high school and college, but as soon as she hit the pros, Dallas realized she was also the fasters player on the field. This gives her the rare ability to kick off the ball to herself. It is quite the party trick and should impress the Copperheads veterans.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Lightbulb. As soon as the flip is switched, she is through that hole faster than you can say “let there be light”. She is also full of ideas when it comes to breaking tackles and evading line backers.
Round 1, Pick 9 – Colorado Yeti
K/P - Melvin Murder-Moose (285 TPE)
Definitely some character concerns with this pick as Murder-Moose is known for killing at least one person, Daria Guava-Fresca. Daria was the reigning DSFL kicker of the year and now she is dead (RIP). The one redeeming factor about Murder-Moose is that he was somehow able to steel Daria’s kicking powers. If anything, he may even be a better kicker as moose are know for having strong legs. If Colorado can keep the murdering to a minimum, they have got themselves a solid pick here.
Fun Fact: Melvin is a moose. And not just any type of moose, but a murdering moose. Do not get on his wrong side and always give him cake. Melvin is the only living creature known to be capable of having his cake and eating it too.
Inanimate Object Comparison: A Christmas Story’s Leg Lamp. Since assuming Daria’s identity, technically Melvin has won a major award. The most important part of a kicker are the legs, what better comparison than the one with a soft glow of electric sex. If he continues to perform at the pace of his predecessor, he will indeed be the talk of the town.
Round 1, Pick 10 – Orange County Otters
QB - Joseph Joestar (TPE 348)
The first quarterback is off the board, and in the 1st round no less. Joestar split time at QB down in Myrtle Beach, but he still made a solid impact to the team. Coming into next year fully capped will also help his stat line. A true gunslinger in the mold of Brett Favre, Joestar has never met a pass that did not look completable. There’s pros and cons to this, but as long as he gets the proper coaching, he could be the next big thing in the ISFL.
Fun Fact: Joseph pregame routine includes eating crayons. Do not ask me why, I don’t know. At this point in his life, I am not sure he knows anymore. Legend has it, he thought the orange one as a piece of cheese and ate it before a Pop Warner game. In that game he had 7 touchdowns. Allegedly he has been doing it ever since, but he will deny it when asked because he’s ashamed of it. Be strong brotha, you do you.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Slingshot. And not just any type of slingshot; we are talking about a good ole fashioned wrist rocket. When fully cocked, he can launch the ball with more velocity and accuracy than previously thought possible. Young children will grow up loving him as their favorite childhood memory.
Round 1, Pick 11 – Philadelphia Liberty
DE - Dorothy Zbornak (270 TPE)
This big, beef defensive lineman almost made it out of the first round. I am glad she did not. The 10 teams that passed on her are going to regret it when she beats them all up and shoves them into a locker. Sure, she is 62, but she’s in the better shape than anyone in the league. Philly were smart enough to not pass on her, and Yellowknife lucky enough to not have a chance to pass on her. She will have a chip on her shoulder, and it will likely be massive. Watch out league, Zbornak is coming for you.
Fun Fact: Dorothy has never used steroids. I feel like that is not really a fun fact for most draftees, but it’s worth mentioning once you get a look at her. He muscles have muscles and she makes most men cry after she humiliates them in arm wrestling. Word to the wise, just admit you are weaker than her.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Barrell of Monkeys. Have you seen her arms? This is an easy comparison. She has the strength of multiple apes, and everyone knows an ape is 10x stronger than a human. Thus Dorothy is on average, 30-50x stronger than the average human. ISFL offensive lineman should be trembling in their boots.
Round 1, Pick 12 – Yellowknife Wraiths
LB - Brach Thomaslacher (266 TPE)
The reigning champs close out the first round with a solid selection at linebacker. Thomaslacher had a very productive season with the Coyotes doing a little bit of everything on defense. He will have two great veteran linebackers to learn from and will be in line to succeed them in the following seasons. More of a speed rusher, than your typical middle linebacker, Thomaslacher can keep pace with the speediest of backs. This will help him at the next level as everything moves quicker.
Fun Fact: Brach is a very talented painter. He is working on a new style properly named Pewpew Cacheew, where he slurps up the paint into his mouth and spits it on the canvas. It is definitely an odd approach, but the results are mesmerizing. If you have got the cash, it is well worth the investment. Once he retires and makes the hall of fame, the paintings will quadruple in value. That is as solid of an investment as one can make.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Jockstrap. Not the most comfortable to be around, but a must when it comes to self protection. As a linebacker, his job it to protect the endzone from enemies. He provides such protection and does not mind doing the dirty, stinky work. A true team player that will never complain about where he is put or what he is told to do.
BONUS ANALYSIS: Round 2, Pick 5
LB - Busch Light (286 TPE)
I could not finish this review without giving one last shoutout and review to my fellow Royal, Busch Light. The dude was overshadowed by an unearthly performance by #1 pick, Juan Domine. However, that does not mean Light was anything short of spectacular. Busch Light had a massive amount of tackles and led all DSFL linebackers in passes deflected. To say Busch was to Domine as Robin was to Batman is disrespectful. The man himself was also up for LBotY. As solid of a one two punch as the DSFL has seen, Busch is a great value pick in the 2nd round.
Fun Fact: This one is pretty obvious, but Busch only drinks Busch Light. He has been drinking it since he was a toddler and he claims it gives him super power. While this is highly unlikely, there is a slight chance it is true. Imagine having a super hero on your football team. Well done New Orleans.
Inanimate Object Comparison: Beer can. Duh, there could be no other comparison. And sure, while it is a clever match in terms on his namesake, it also makes sense philosophically. Everyone loves beer, and every one loves their football team. So picture Busch as the can that protects the beer, ergo, the man who protects his team. The can never gets the credit as everyone points to the beer being the best part. However, without the can, you have no beer. So without Busch, you have no defense.
![[Image: XyZODaF.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/XyZODaF.gif)
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![[Image: Joestar.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/715349418169204757/854007927937171456/Joestar.png)
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