(lights dim, curtain opens, a loan man with a beard and a massive beer belly stands on stage. Overalls dirty. Smile vivacious. Drink in hand.)
Ok so with our most reason season nearly in the books, the holiday season upon us, and the inability to wait any longer for a 2x media bonus event, Honky Tonk Haywood brings to you his ISFL regular season awards show, presented by Popeyes. Oh wait that’s right, we’re in Philadelphia now. Ok presented by Gino’s cheesesteaks. I know there was already a similar award show based on food but goddamnit I had this going before the Thanksgiving awards, I'm just lazy! Anyways....
Season 25. Wow. Let’s give it up, folks. What a year. This is my first year in the ISFL so I can’t really compare it to any prior season, but what I can confidently say is that no prior year has presented players with awards named loosely after southern dining staples. SO safe to say this is a marquee year for the league. Without further ado I present to you our league award winner winner chicken fried steak dinners:
The Turtle Soup Award:
Our first award goes out to the unsung…players…of our league. The kickers. These men sacrificed the potential to score a touchdown, make a sack, or even commit an encroachment penalty just to kick the ball into the endzone for a touchback. Amazing. And just like how Turtle Soup is made from the meat of a creature best known for hiding in its shell, this award goes out to the men who know their leg is more important than making that tackle on that huge kick return.
Our winner this year was not the most accurate, but what he lacked in precision he made up for in power. Yes he made the most field goals in the league, but more importantly he attempted the most kicks between 40-60 yards in the league, made most of them, and was tied for the season long at 57 yards. Your Turtle Soup winner is…Baltimore Kicker Datsum Phastbawls
Po Boy Award:
The Po Boy, a sandwich that sounds like a tv series about foster children. It’s only right that this award go out to an offensive lineman. A group of men who are often overlooked or misunderstood, but who are actually delicious…or rather love to eat delicious things. Like a Po Boy.
Our Season 25 offensive lineman award goes out to a man who basically nailed a perfect season. 93 pancakes and ZERO sacks allowed. Only 5 pancakes shy of breaking the league record without allowing a sack – that’s pretty great. And to do it on an expansion team that needs all the help it can get up front in its inaugural season, that’s pretty special. So I give to you our winner of the S25 Po Boy…New Your Lineman Doug Quail.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Gumbo Award:
First we gave you the Po Boy for the Fat boi. But now we switch to the defensive side of the ball to give some shine to the large fellas they go head to head with, the defensive line. Gumbo – so good, so filling. This award will go out to a man who is not only so good himself, but also so filling that he spills right out of his (too tight) uniform. Our man here was anything but a shrimp tho, to be honest. He lead the league in tackles for loss at an impressive 23! Add that to his sack total of 7 and no other d-lineman can match his 30 total destructive plays in the backfield. Ontop of that he finished only behind 1 defensive tackle in sacks for players on the line. That’s right, our winner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Gumbo award is: Wraiths defensive end Nero Alexander.
Ol’ Fashioned Award:
A timeless drink. For men who are tired of drinking straight bourbon and need just a little flair to change it up. You’ve also just basically described a tight end. A big old dude who blocks, but ok let’s change it up and throw him a couple balls. Before the West Coast IPA craft beers and the 14 ingredient cocktail creations with the curly straws there was the Ol’ Fashioned. Just like before the West Coast offense and the 14 different motion set fake wr screen running back pitch play there was the dump the ball 3 times a game to the tight end. Timeless indeed. Yet our award winner has really set the bar to new heights. One of only two men to exceed 100 catches on the year, the only tight end to go for over 1,000 yards, and the league high for TE touchdowns with 7. It’s a runaway. The S25 Ol’ Fashioned Award winner is: The Outlaws’ Heath Evans.
Étouffée Award:
Now here’s an award that actually makes sense. The word looks real fancy, I mean it’s like French or something. But what it actually means in American is ‘smothered.’ So might as well give this award to the best cornerback of the year. The often look a little bit like their diva cousins – the wide receiver – but they’re so much more than that. This Free Safety was certainly free to roam the field, and for good reason. 129 Tackles! 7 sacks! 4 interceptions! And the cherry on top – a defensive touchdown. He literally does it all – tho we may place an asterisk next to this pick due to alleged performance enhancers. For now, our Étouffée award winner is: Tyrone Biggums with the Orange County Otters.
Grits ‘n Gravy Award:
So I don’t think grits get the credit it deserves. It looks bland and honestly can taste a bit bland if done wrong, but the right grits just pairs well with anything on this list. Add to that some brown gravy and by god we’re about in heaven. Well you know what pairs well with any defensive scheme? A linebacker done right. The best of the best do the dirty work – they tackle, they cover, they take on lineman, they blow up the fullback – but the man taking this award gets his name in the box score for the pretty stats, too. Here’s where he differs from classic grits ‘n gravy tho – whereas the aforementioned is a staple that’s been around forever, this linebacker is a brand new edition to your palate. Our winner here is a ROOKIE who lead the league in tackles, registered 3 tackles for a loss and one sack, performed well in pass coverage with his 8 passes defensed, and scored a defensive touchdown. There were some terrific finalists for this award and maybe this isn’t the “right” one in your book, but my winner here is none other than Silverbacks’ linebacker Hank Winchester.
Chitlin Award:
Here’s where I’m honest with you, this dish is not going to correlate to wide receivers at all. I just never knew they were a thing and decided I would force it into an award name. Chitlins, or chitterlings, are pig intestines that are cooked and then ladled onto a bowl of rice or pasta. Apparently they really are pretty good. Ok here comes my transition attempt. You know what else is apparently pretty good despite being a relatively unknown commodity? The receiver taking home this year’s Chitlin (not bad right?) Well since we just gave a huge honor to a rookie, I say let’s ride this wave. This rookie took the league by storm – flying high with a league high 102 receptions with a league high 1,646 receiving yards, scoring 11 touchdowns. This award is a no-brainer, crazy for a rookie. 12 more catches than the next highest receiver, with over 200 yards more than number two on the board. This man is in for a big career. Let’s give it up to Baltimore’s talented receiver, Doug Howlett.
Buttermilk Biscuit Award:
Everyone loves a buttery biscuit. Everyone. It’s a food that transcends southern dining it’s so good. So what better position to have it represent than our league’s electric running backs. Everyone loves a bell cow running back. I will say that this year’s biscuits may have been in the oven too long, as we’re having trouble finding a running back that can bust loose for more than 3-4 yards per carry. However, our winner here separated himself from other perhaps more qualified backs because he found the endzone often…12 times in fact, and was actually able to bust a run loose for 35 yards. In fact, out of the top 13 rushing yard leaders this year, he’s the only back to have a run past 20 yards. Weird. So let’s give a hand to S25 Buttermilk Biscuit award winner, San Jose Sabercat Jamar Lackson.
Shoofly Pie Sportsmanship Award:
Shoofly Pie, folks. It features molasses, brown sugar, and more sugar. It’s sticky and sweet and just oh so lovely. It’s the sportsman of the dining room table…just wants everyone to end their meal on a nice note. Well our winner this year is equally as sweet. So considerate that he threw the same amount of touchdowns as well as interceptions this year. Everyone gets a slice! No need to fight! He was also the sacrificial lamb who had to quarterback a brand new franchise in Berlin. BERLIN, people! Talk about some long flights. And he did it all with what I like to picture as a smile on his face. Our S25 Shoofly Pie award winner is Berlin Fire Salamanders’ quarterback, Nick Kaepercolin.
Rickey Award:
What’s more refreshing than a lime rickey? It’s a refreshingly tart combination of fresh lime juice, simple syrup, and seltzer. It’s almost like the perfect Quarterback. Strong arm, fresh legs, simple defensive reads, and command in the huddle. Maybe that’s a stretch, but that’s alright, our S25 quarterback of the year is known for a few stretch passes of his own. He was tied for the longest bomb of the year at 79 yards. But his strength lies in his consistency as he absolutely blew out the most of the competition in terms of quarterback rating, sitting at nearly 100. He lead the league in passing yards, he lead the league in touchdowns with 33 and threw only 10 ints. He also added another 3 touchdowns on the ground. He lead the Sailfish to the playoffs and 11 regular season wins. The Rickey award winner is Sarasota quarterback Dexter Banks II.
The Nashville Hot Chicken Award (MVP):
The spiciest award for the spiciest award winner. This man’s season accomplishments have already been outlined, but of course our MVP needs a bit more attention for what he brought to his team. What really stuck out to me was just how much of a hot streak this guy could get on, when the going was good. During a three week stretch between week 8, week 9, and week 10, our MVP threw for 898 yards, 11 touchdowns and zero interceptions with a 64% completion percentage. Absolutely insane numbers! He managed to follow that up later in the year, during a two game stretch in weeks 15 and 16 where he threw for over 600 yards and 7 touchdowns. Our Nashville Hot Chicken award winner, also our season 25 Rickey award winner, is the fantastic Sarasota Sailfish quarterback, Dexter Banks II.
That’s the end of our awards show, presented virtually and in writing only. Congratulations to all of our winners of these pretend, meaningless awards – for which I conducted only the most blatant and easily accessible research. Also a quick apology to my fellow brethren in Philadelphia, as I apparently did not dish out an award to any Liberty players. Just know you’re all number #1 in my hearts. We’re like a family bucket of chicken. The best honor there is.
Good luck to the championship teams fighting it out tonight and happy drafting and training for season 26. I look forward to my second season in the big leagues and hopefully getting in on a 1.5/2x payout for media in the near future.
Ok so with our most reason season nearly in the books, the holiday season upon us, and the inability to wait any longer for a 2x media bonus event, Honky Tonk Haywood brings to you his ISFL regular season awards show, presented by Popeyes. Oh wait that’s right, we’re in Philadelphia now. Ok presented by Gino’s cheesesteaks. I know there was already a similar award show based on food but goddamnit I had this going before the Thanksgiving awards, I'm just lazy! Anyways....
Season 25. Wow. Let’s give it up, folks. What a year. This is my first year in the ISFL so I can’t really compare it to any prior season, but what I can confidently say is that no prior year has presented players with awards named loosely after southern dining staples. SO safe to say this is a marquee year for the league. Without further ado I present to you our league award winner winner chicken fried steak dinners:
The Turtle Soup Award:
Our first award goes out to the unsung…players…of our league. The kickers. These men sacrificed the potential to score a touchdown, make a sack, or even commit an encroachment penalty just to kick the ball into the endzone for a touchback. Amazing. And just like how Turtle Soup is made from the meat of a creature best known for hiding in its shell, this award goes out to the men who know their leg is more important than making that tackle on that huge kick return.
Our winner this year was not the most accurate, but what he lacked in precision he made up for in power. Yes he made the most field goals in the league, but more importantly he attempted the most kicks between 40-60 yards in the league, made most of them, and was tied for the season long at 57 yards. Your Turtle Soup winner is…Baltimore Kicker Datsum Phastbawls
Po Boy Award:
The Po Boy, a sandwich that sounds like a tv series about foster children. It’s only right that this award go out to an offensive lineman. A group of men who are often overlooked or misunderstood, but who are actually delicious…or rather love to eat delicious things. Like a Po Boy.
Our Season 25 offensive lineman award goes out to a man who basically nailed a perfect season. 93 pancakes and ZERO sacks allowed. Only 5 pancakes shy of breaking the league record without allowing a sack – that’s pretty great. And to do it on an expansion team that needs all the help it can get up front in its inaugural season, that’s pretty special. So I give to you our winner of the S25 Po Boy…New Your Lineman Doug Quail.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Gumbo Award:
First we gave you the Po Boy for the Fat boi. But now we switch to the defensive side of the ball to give some shine to the large fellas they go head to head with, the defensive line. Gumbo – so good, so filling. This award will go out to a man who is not only so good himself, but also so filling that he spills right out of his (too tight) uniform. Our man here was anything but a shrimp tho, to be honest. He lead the league in tackles for loss at an impressive 23! Add that to his sack total of 7 and no other d-lineman can match his 30 total destructive plays in the backfield. Ontop of that he finished only behind 1 defensive tackle in sacks for players on the line. That’s right, our winner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Gumbo award is: Wraiths defensive end Nero Alexander.
Ol’ Fashioned Award:
A timeless drink. For men who are tired of drinking straight bourbon and need just a little flair to change it up. You’ve also just basically described a tight end. A big old dude who blocks, but ok let’s change it up and throw him a couple balls. Before the West Coast IPA craft beers and the 14 ingredient cocktail creations with the curly straws there was the Ol’ Fashioned. Just like before the West Coast offense and the 14 different motion set fake wr screen running back pitch play there was the dump the ball 3 times a game to the tight end. Timeless indeed. Yet our award winner has really set the bar to new heights. One of only two men to exceed 100 catches on the year, the only tight end to go for over 1,000 yards, and the league high for TE touchdowns with 7. It’s a runaway. The S25 Ol’ Fashioned Award winner is: The Outlaws’ Heath Evans.
Étouffée Award:
Now here’s an award that actually makes sense. The word looks real fancy, I mean it’s like French or something. But what it actually means in American is ‘smothered.’ So might as well give this award to the best cornerback of the year. The often look a little bit like their diva cousins – the wide receiver – but they’re so much more than that. This Free Safety was certainly free to roam the field, and for good reason. 129 Tackles! 7 sacks! 4 interceptions! And the cherry on top – a defensive touchdown. He literally does it all – tho we may place an asterisk next to this pick due to alleged performance enhancers. For now, our Étouffée award winner is: Tyrone Biggums with the Orange County Otters.
Grits ‘n Gravy Award:
So I don’t think grits get the credit it deserves. It looks bland and honestly can taste a bit bland if done wrong, but the right grits just pairs well with anything on this list. Add to that some brown gravy and by god we’re about in heaven. Well you know what pairs well with any defensive scheme? A linebacker done right. The best of the best do the dirty work – they tackle, they cover, they take on lineman, they blow up the fullback – but the man taking this award gets his name in the box score for the pretty stats, too. Here’s where he differs from classic grits ‘n gravy tho – whereas the aforementioned is a staple that’s been around forever, this linebacker is a brand new edition to your palate. Our winner here is a ROOKIE who lead the league in tackles, registered 3 tackles for a loss and one sack, performed well in pass coverage with his 8 passes defensed, and scored a defensive touchdown. There were some terrific finalists for this award and maybe this isn’t the “right” one in your book, but my winner here is none other than Silverbacks’ linebacker Hank Winchester.
Chitlin Award:
Here’s where I’m honest with you, this dish is not going to correlate to wide receivers at all. I just never knew they were a thing and decided I would force it into an award name. Chitlins, or chitterlings, are pig intestines that are cooked and then ladled onto a bowl of rice or pasta. Apparently they really are pretty good. Ok here comes my transition attempt. You know what else is apparently pretty good despite being a relatively unknown commodity? The receiver taking home this year’s Chitlin (not bad right?) Well since we just gave a huge honor to a rookie, I say let’s ride this wave. This rookie took the league by storm – flying high with a league high 102 receptions with a league high 1,646 receiving yards, scoring 11 touchdowns. This award is a no-brainer, crazy for a rookie. 12 more catches than the next highest receiver, with over 200 yards more than number two on the board. This man is in for a big career. Let’s give it up to Baltimore’s talented receiver, Doug Howlett.
Buttermilk Biscuit Award:
Everyone loves a buttery biscuit. Everyone. It’s a food that transcends southern dining it’s so good. So what better position to have it represent than our league’s electric running backs. Everyone loves a bell cow running back. I will say that this year’s biscuits may have been in the oven too long, as we’re having trouble finding a running back that can bust loose for more than 3-4 yards per carry. However, our winner here separated himself from other perhaps more qualified backs because he found the endzone often…12 times in fact, and was actually able to bust a run loose for 35 yards. In fact, out of the top 13 rushing yard leaders this year, he’s the only back to have a run past 20 yards. Weird. So let’s give a hand to S25 Buttermilk Biscuit award winner, San Jose Sabercat Jamar Lackson.
Shoofly Pie Sportsmanship Award:
Shoofly Pie, folks. It features molasses, brown sugar, and more sugar. It’s sticky and sweet and just oh so lovely. It’s the sportsman of the dining room table…just wants everyone to end their meal on a nice note. Well our winner this year is equally as sweet. So considerate that he threw the same amount of touchdowns as well as interceptions this year. Everyone gets a slice! No need to fight! He was also the sacrificial lamb who had to quarterback a brand new franchise in Berlin. BERLIN, people! Talk about some long flights. And he did it all with what I like to picture as a smile on his face. Our S25 Shoofly Pie award winner is Berlin Fire Salamanders’ quarterback, Nick Kaepercolin.
Rickey Award:
What’s more refreshing than a lime rickey? It’s a refreshingly tart combination of fresh lime juice, simple syrup, and seltzer. It’s almost like the perfect Quarterback. Strong arm, fresh legs, simple defensive reads, and command in the huddle. Maybe that’s a stretch, but that’s alright, our S25 quarterback of the year is known for a few stretch passes of his own. He was tied for the longest bomb of the year at 79 yards. But his strength lies in his consistency as he absolutely blew out the most of the competition in terms of quarterback rating, sitting at nearly 100. He lead the league in passing yards, he lead the league in touchdowns with 33 and threw only 10 ints. He also added another 3 touchdowns on the ground. He lead the Sailfish to the playoffs and 11 regular season wins. The Rickey award winner is Sarasota quarterback Dexter Banks II.
The Nashville Hot Chicken Award (MVP):
The spiciest award for the spiciest award winner. This man’s season accomplishments have already been outlined, but of course our MVP needs a bit more attention for what he brought to his team. What really stuck out to me was just how much of a hot streak this guy could get on, when the going was good. During a three week stretch between week 8, week 9, and week 10, our MVP threw for 898 yards, 11 touchdowns and zero interceptions with a 64% completion percentage. Absolutely insane numbers! He managed to follow that up later in the year, during a two game stretch in weeks 15 and 16 where he threw for over 600 yards and 7 touchdowns. Our Nashville Hot Chicken award winner, also our season 25 Rickey award winner, is the fantastic Sarasota Sailfish quarterback, Dexter Banks II.
That’s the end of our awards show, presented virtually and in writing only. Congratulations to all of our winners of these pretend, meaningless awards – for which I conducted only the most blatant and easily accessible research. Also a quick apology to my fellow brethren in Philadelphia, as I apparently did not dish out an award to any Liberty players. Just know you’re all number #1 in my hearts. We’re like a family bucket of chicken. The best honor there is.
Good luck to the championship teams fighting it out tonight and happy drafting and training for season 26. I look forward to my second season in the big leagues and hopefully getting in on a 1.5/2x payout for media in the near future.
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