*A Day in the Life Mack Arian

[LordMacharius]

Breaking News! Mack Arianlacher, first overall pick of the season something NSFL draft, has found out that, unlike other first overall picks of seasons prior (which are typically flush with money), his bank account was drained dry by the cost and expenses that are part and parcel with living in such an expensive city like New Orleans.

In order to remedy the situation, Mack’s public relations agent has announced a slew of media campaigns and visits under the title “Operation: Money Macker.” This “operation” is a thinly veiled ploy to fill Mack’s coffers, but we at the 24 hours news media sure do love playing right into the hands of celebrities and athletes!

The first, of what seems like it is gearing up to be many different public relations/mass media pieces released by Mack is the sale of the rights to his day. Mack agreed to allow a camera crew into his house for a full 24 hours so that they could document what he does on an average day. While this footage is interesting, it may not be for the faint of heart. Viewer discretion is advised.

News card appears as transition starts playing. A red swoosh and then the words “A Day in the Life” written in a font that you would associate with New Orleans appears. It’s nothing super experimental — its no Citizen Kaine — but the production value is high. Too high for a piece like this… its a shame what journalism school will get you nowadays… I shoulda been a lawyer like my parents told me but nooooo i had to follow my dreams and become a big caption writer for ESPEEN… working for scraps while kids like this make and spend millions on hookers and blow.... Goddammit.

12:00 A.M: We arrive at the house of Mack Arianlacher. A small townhouse situated a ways out of the city, it looks like it can’t cost much at all. We knock on the door, and see a groggy Mack answer.

Mack: Who the f*ck knocks on a man’s door at midnight. This better be an emergency or I swear to g— oh, I forgot about this. Sorry. My whole house is a mess right now, but I don’t really give a crap.

His house was not a mess, but it definitely wasn’t a shrine to cleanliness. Some clothes lying about, the couch pillows everywhere, and a bunch of shoes line up out of place. On the wall are all of the trophies from his college years. We follow Mack to his room. His room is a little bit worse — clothes strewn about, unmade bed, three - no four - half drunk cups of water but most peculiarly, a poster with an image of a giraffe on a savannah and nothing else but the word “beware” written across it in impact font. We asked Mack about this peculiar instance, but he told us to wait until he wakes up for us to explain.

How does a star athlete sleep? Well, just the same as you and me apparently! Aside from a few tosses and turns, Mack slept like a log for the next 5 hours and forty five minutes until his alarm rang. He does not snore but does thrash violently in is sleep sometimes.

5:45 A.M: His phone alarm rings. It is on a desk away from his bed, so he gets up to turn it off — no, to snooze it, and then crawls back to bed for an extra 15 minutes.

6:00 AM: Mack’s alarm rings once more. He gets up, turns it off, and gazes longingly at the bed for about 3 seconds until he finally decides to go to his bathroom. Although we were not given permission to tape him in the bathroom (an unreasonable denial, if you ask my opinion), we figured that its probably no different than your or my bathroom habits in the morning. However, instead of using a medium bristle as recommended, he uses a soft one.

Mack: What can I say? It’s easier on my teeth, and I’m not paid to look pretty.

6:15 AM: After Mack walked down the stairs to eat breakfast, we finally worked up the courage to ask him about his ominous poster that we found in his room.

Mack: That poster is simple. I simply do not believe in giraffes. I think they are robotic government drones used to spy on us since they can see over the flat earth.
Interviewer: Where’d you come up with this crazy idea?
Mack: Consider, for a moment, the logistical problems involved in being a giraffe. To get blood from your heart to your brain, a vertical distance of at least six feet, requires blood pressure two and a half times higher than a human’s. Every time you bend down for a drink, spreading your front legs a little in order to get lower, the blood rushes to your head and you risk stroke. Every time you straighten up, the blood rushes back and you risk fainting. And when you’re standing, gravity causes fluid to pool in your lower extremities, which makes them swell. After realizing this, I realized that Occam’s Razor would dictate that giraffes don’t exist.
I: Occam’s Razor?
Mack: Well, what’s more likely: There was evolutionary a half-giraffe, with a neck just kinda long and/or giraffes evolved all of this bs to eat some leaves? Or that giraffes are drones used by the government to spy on innocent zoo-goers?

Wow. This guy is getting paid millions to say shit like this. I went into the wrong line of work — I shoulda become a football player.

6:30 AM: Mack leaves to get to the state of the art NOLA training center. He says that this is one of his favorite parts of the day, because he truly gets to be alone. So, naturally, we asked him a bunch of questions on this car ride.

I: Favorite color?
M: NOLA Blue. Now shut up.
I: Favorite genre of music?
M: Jazz. Now shut up.
I: Favorite city in the country?
M: New Orleans and Chicago are tied. Now shut up.
I: Do you wish you played for any other NSFL team?
M: No. Now shut up.

7:00 AM: Mack arrives at the practice facility. We in the press were denied access, so we just kinda wandered around the surrounding area until 6:00 PM, when we knew he would be done for the day. It was a long wait . We could barely afford anything because we are just journalists. But we still ate well on the company’s dime.

5:30 PM: Mack leaves the practice facility, 30 minutes later than he already promised. He’s talking with a couple of the trainers, and what looks to be a scout, about something that we can’t quite figure out. We did find some fragments on our parabolic mic, we’ll share. Please let us know if you think you know what they might be talking about.

Mack: …annoying as hell… follow me…. Won’t shut up… ask… journalism… need money… wouldn’t do again… nice guys… would grab a beer… just wish the camera’s were down.

6:00 PM: Mack reaches home, and plugs in his laptop where he spends time watching film on his next opponent. While watching the film, he puts on a pair of Pear Penthouse Bluetooth 5 and listens to his favorite Lendrick Kamar album, To Pimp a Maad City.

6:45 PM: Mack takes a 15 minute break from watching film to eat his trainer recommended dinner. He’s still wearing his headphones, and watching film on his phone.

10:00 PM: Mack finishes watching film and goes to bed for the night, obviously content to rest up for the games that are coming.

12:00 AM: We leave, afraid to wake Mack up again and just really excited to see our families again.

That was it folks, a day in the life of the first overall draft pick Mack Arianlacher. I hope it was everything you imagined it to be.