05-09-2021, 04:01 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-12-2021, 03:11 AM by Asked Madden.)
Sitting on a beach in Tijuana, an empty six pack to his left, and a half empty bottle of tequila to his right, In Active took a couple of days off from football following his abysmal play in the Ultimini game. Picking up just two tackles, he wasn't able to help his team win their 9th Ultimini Championship. His enjoying the offseason is cut short by a phone call from his agent.
Agent - "Wake up, we've got to talk. The ISFL media is starting to pump out their mock draft, and you aren't even on the list of people available for the draft. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm working on doing anything I can to get your name out there. For some reason, people are confusing your name of In Active with the status of you being IA - or inactive. I'm working on this, but if you can do anything on your end, it'd be a big help."
IA - "Can this wait? I'm kind of busy with something," he says as he glances at his tequila.
Agent - "If you don't want to be considered a top round draft pick, sure."
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Alright, folks, this is it. In Active. He's so clutch that he doesnt even show up in the TPE tracker.
Let's face it. You don't know In Active, and that's probably one of the biggest regrets you're ever going to have in your entire career. In Active came into the league after the DSFL draft, and was claimed almost immediately off of waivers. In fact, the claim was so fast that other teams were still messaging him their introductions and In Active himself had to break the news to them. Does that sound like the kind of player who you want on your team? I'd hope so.
In Active doesn't have a big bank account. Let's face it, we all know that you want someone who's going to earn money. The more they earn, the less you have to pay them. We all get it. Luckily, In Active has been in touch with some very high profile lawyers in an attempt to get the term IA trademarked, as people who go IA are clearly trying to mooch off of In Active and his stellar performance. We're not talking a lot here. Maybe 500k per use of the term IA? Maybe 1m? That's for the courts to decide, but In Active is getting his money.
What else is there to know about In Active? A lot. I'd make a fancy graphic, but I'm not a fancy graphic kind of guy. So let's look at some other stats, some fun stuff, some happy little trees in our grand painting of the DSFL this season.
1 - there were 2, yes just two, players in the DSFL with a blocked field goal this season. How many of them were done by a rookie? One? Yup, one. It just so happened to be done by In Active. How many times would a blocked field goal come in handy for your team?
2 - Let's look at sacks. This is when the quarterback gets smushed while he still has the ball. That's a pretty important thing, you know? In Active was tied for fourth in the league with a stunning 8 sacks. The only rookie to have 8 sacks! Do you know how many sacks the next rookie in the standings had? Yeah, that's right. Only 7. The guy after that? Yep, 6. Let's face it, that's a huge difference. That's like if you get 8 potatoes instead of 7, or 6.
3 - Not much to brag about here, but I already started typing. In Active forced 3 fumbles, and had 2 fumble recoveries. Is that good? I mean, it's not great, but it's better than 0.
4 - Tackles for a loss. This is another absolutely clutch stat, and helps the team. Did he have some? Yup! Was it more than 0? Yup! Was he a league leader? Haha, no.
5 - Name. That's right, his name is coming into play here. We've already covered how he's looking at suing anyone who uses the term IA. Maybe, just maybe, he won't sue his current team. But, he's always almost always going to be near the top of the list if you sort by last name. That's got to count for something.
3 - That's right, we're back to three. Why three? Because In Active is 3 syllables. In Active was scouted by 3 teams. In Active forced 3 fumbles. In Active is 9 characters (including the space), which is 3 when divided by the number of syllables in his name. Three is the number of muscles I've pulled trying to stretch the whole three thing. But mostly it's the scouted by three teams I was going to focus on.
1 - One. In Active has one cat that he needs to feed, and he needs money to be able to feed that cat. There might even be a cat tax available, unless she keeps walking on the laptop as this is typed.
Okay, so that covers 5 different talking points about In Active, and two extra bonus talking points. That's 5 more than I've personally seen about any other player who isn't listed as a potential draft pick in the mock draft post. What is the point of this media, you might be asking by now if you've gotten this far? In Active is a first round pick. His name all but guarantees it. Any team who likes chaos, and who likes to see the world burn, would be wise to draft In Active in the first round. Any team who wants a reliable earner, and a decent LR presence, would get a pretty great pick in the second round. How many rounds do we even go for drafts? Really, I just want to try to earn some money before I get drafted somewhere.
So, let's talk about what In Active expects from you. At least 6' tall, seven figure income minimum. You should know that In Active enjoys his time in Tijuana, and wants to go back for antother season or two if possible. You should know that In Active likes to tackle people, especially the quarterback. You should know that In Active likes hockey, and that he's a big fan of the SHL. You should know that you'll probably never see another media like this about In Active, and the league will be better for it. You should know that In Active isn't Inactive.
Agent - "Wake up, we've got to talk. The ISFL media is starting to pump out their mock draft, and you aren't even on the list of people available for the draft. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm working on doing anything I can to get your name out there. For some reason, people are confusing your name of In Active with the status of you being IA - or inactive. I'm working on this, but if you can do anything on your end, it'd be a big help."
IA - "Can this wait? I'm kind of busy with something," he says as he glances at his tequila.
Agent - "If you don't want to be considered a top round draft pick, sure."
-------------
Alright, folks, this is it. In Active. He's so clutch that he doesnt even show up in the TPE tracker.
Let's face it. You don't know In Active, and that's probably one of the biggest regrets you're ever going to have in your entire career. In Active came into the league after the DSFL draft, and was claimed almost immediately off of waivers. In fact, the claim was so fast that other teams were still messaging him their introductions and In Active himself had to break the news to them. Does that sound like the kind of player who you want on your team? I'd hope so.
In Active doesn't have a big bank account. Let's face it, we all know that you want someone who's going to earn money. The more they earn, the less you have to pay them. We all get it. Luckily, In Active has been in touch with some very high profile lawyers in an attempt to get the term IA trademarked, as people who go IA are clearly trying to mooch off of In Active and his stellar performance. We're not talking a lot here. Maybe 500k per use of the term IA? Maybe 1m? That's for the courts to decide, but In Active is getting his money.
What else is there to know about In Active? A lot. I'd make a fancy graphic, but I'm not a fancy graphic kind of guy. So let's look at some other stats, some fun stuff, some happy little trees in our grand painting of the DSFL this season.
1 - there were 2, yes just two, players in the DSFL with a blocked field goal this season. How many of them were done by a rookie? One? Yup, one. It just so happened to be done by In Active. How many times would a blocked field goal come in handy for your team?
2 - Let's look at sacks. This is when the quarterback gets smushed while he still has the ball. That's a pretty important thing, you know? In Active was tied for fourth in the league with a stunning 8 sacks. The only rookie to have 8 sacks! Do you know how many sacks the next rookie in the standings had? Yeah, that's right. Only 7. The guy after that? Yep, 6. Let's face it, that's a huge difference. That's like if you get 8 potatoes instead of 7, or 6.
3 - Not much to brag about here, but I already started typing. In Active forced 3 fumbles, and had 2 fumble recoveries. Is that good? I mean, it's not great, but it's better than 0.
4 - Tackles for a loss. This is another absolutely clutch stat, and helps the team. Did he have some? Yup! Was it more than 0? Yup! Was he a league leader? Haha, no.
5 - Name. That's right, his name is coming into play here. We've already covered how he's looking at suing anyone who uses the term IA. Maybe, just maybe, he won't sue his current team. But, he's always almost always going to be near the top of the list if you sort by last name. That's got to count for something.
3 - That's right, we're back to three. Why three? Because In Active is 3 syllables. In Active was scouted by 3 teams. In Active forced 3 fumbles. In Active is 9 characters (including the space), which is 3 when divided by the number of syllables in his name. Three is the number of muscles I've pulled trying to stretch the whole three thing. But mostly it's the scouted by three teams I was going to focus on.
1 - One. In Active has one cat that he needs to feed, and he needs money to be able to feed that cat. There might even be a cat tax available, unless she keeps walking on the laptop as this is typed.
Okay, so that covers 5 different talking points about In Active, and two extra bonus talking points. That's 5 more than I've personally seen about any other player who isn't listed as a potential draft pick in the mock draft post. What is the point of this media, you might be asking by now if you've gotten this far? In Active is a first round pick. His name all but guarantees it. Any team who likes chaos, and who likes to see the world burn, would be wise to draft In Active in the first round. Any team who wants a reliable earner, and a decent LR presence, would get a pretty great pick in the second round. How many rounds do we even go for drafts? Really, I just want to try to earn some money before I get drafted somewhere.
So, let's talk about what In Active expects from you. At least 6' tall, seven figure income minimum. You should know that In Active enjoys his time in Tijuana, and wants to go back for antother season or two if possible. You should know that In Active likes to tackle people, especially the quarterback. You should know that In Active likes hockey, and that he's a big fan of the SHL. You should know that you'll probably never see another media like this about In Active, and the league will be better for it. You should know that In Active isn't Inactive.
