Quenton Bode steps up to the podium.
"Sadly, the Second Line's season is at an end: for the first time since Season 18, we've failed to make the playoffs. But that's just how the game is sometimes. So, instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I figured I'd do my post-season presser a little early this year. So let's get this thing started!"
"How did you celebrate the tackle record? How far do you want to push it?" --slothfacekilla
"I got to celebrate the tackle record twice, really. The first time was in the locker room after the game. As soon as I stepped into the locker room after the win, I was immediately swarmed by my teammates, and they were all screaming their heads off. It wasn't just the defense, either; every single one of my teammates, offense and defense, were in that mob. You'd think we'd just won the Ultimus, that's how crazy and loud it was. And that's one of my favorite things about this team: they were all aware of how close I was to breaking that record, and they all knew how important it was to me to reach that milestone. This team is truly like a second family, we're all so close and we care for each other so much. It's an individual achievement, but my whole team was excited to celebrate that moment with me, which is a memory I'll treasure for the rest of my life. My second celebration was much smaller, but just as meaningful. It was when I got back to my house after the game. My wife and my parents were there waiting for me, and as soon as I walked in the door they started cheering and clapping. We had a nice meal as a family, which is something we don't get to do a lot with my parents living so far away. Both celebrations were fun in their own way, but they were both very touching and meant so much to me.
"As to how far I want to push it, the sky's the limit at this point. I've got at least one more good season left in me, maybe two, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I can get to 1400 tackles. Nothing is guaranteed, of course, but I feel confident I'll hit that mark eventually. Honestly the exact number doesn't matter to me at this point. What matters is, can I still help my team win games? As long as that's the case, I'll play, and as long as I'm playing, I'm adding to that total."
"Any plans for the offseason?" --slothfacekilla
"Last offseason, I launched DOOT Camp with the goal of bringing a high-level youth football camp to kids who might not otherwise have the means of attending a camp. I'm very proud to say that the first iteration of DOOT Camp was a resounding success, and that I'll be continuing with DOOT Camp this offseason. The Minnesota Grey Ducks have generously agreed to let us use their facilities, so we'll have camps in Minnesota as well as here in New Orleans, and the hope is to continue expanding and offering camps across the country. Outside of training and preparing for Season 26, that'll be my main focus."
"Any other goals for Bode outside of tackles at this point?" --slothfacekilla
"Well another Ultimus would be fantastic!" Laughs "That's a given, of course; everyone would love to add another Ultimus ring to their collection. Beyond that, I'm hoping to move up a few places on the all-time forced fumble and fumble recovery record lists. I'm currently tied for third in career forced fumbles, and getting just two more would vault me into second place. And I'm tied for eighth in fumbles recovered, and any more of those will send me up that list considerably. So at the end of the day, I just gotta keep doing what I've been doing, and working as hard as I've ever worked. I know I probably won't end up at first on either of those lists, but that's no reason not to try for it."
"If you were fighting a possessed suit of knight's armor how would you defeat it?" --slothfacekilla
"Well, I'd start by staying at least sixty feet away from it at all times, as it's effectively blind beyond that range. I'd target it with spells that force it to make saving throws (but not spells that do poison damage); it has an Armor Class of 18 but its stats are not great, so you're more likely to get it to fail a saving throw than you are to beat its AC. And, if all else fails, just hit it with 'Dispel Magic.' It's a suit of armor powered by magic, so using 'Dispel Magic' is like hitting its off switch. But if we're talking in real life, I'd probably just tackle it really hard. That's kind of my thing."
"Favorite part of New Orleans?" --Tesla
"Man, that's a tough question! I've been here for so long, and I've really gotten to fall in love with everything about the city. The music scene is fantastic, the fans -- and the people in general -- are incredible, and there's just so much to see and to do. If I really had to narrow it down, I would say that my favorite thing about New Orleans is the food. I grew up in Anchorage, Alaska, which isn't a city that's exactly known for its cuisine. But New Orleans is an amazing food town. I have my favorite spots, of course, but every once in a while I'll just go out and walk around until I find a restaurant that looks appealing, and without fail it will serve something amazing. I think once I do finally retire and I don't have to stay in shape for football anymore, I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight just from truly experiencing all that New Orleans has to offer. I'm gonna hang them up, and in two or three months I'll be completely unrecognizable."
"Thoughts on what you will do in retirement?" --Tesla
"I'll continue doing DOOT Camp for sure, and since I won't be limited by the ISFL season I'll be able to do it in some capacity year-round. I'm really looking forward to that: football is my passion, and I'm so excited to get to share that passion with the next generation of football players. Beyond that, I think I'm going to go into sports reporting. As a league veteran, I'll have a unique perspective on the DSFL and the ISFL that the average reporter just doesn't have. Plus, I have plenty of connections in and around the league, so I think I'll be able to get some early scoops that wouldn't be available to other reporters. Mostly, I think I'll just enjoy being able to live my life at my own pace, and to have some real free time for once. Life as an pro football player is great, don't get me wrong, but I always have somewhere to be or something to do or someone I need to talk to, and it can be exhausting. Even when you aren't doing something directly league-related, you have to watch what you eat and be careful that you don't accidentally hurt yourself and things like that. I'm looking forward to being able to call the shots in my own life for once. Like I said before, the first thing I'll do is probably get really fat from eating whatever the hell I want."
"Do you think you will stay in New Orleans?" --Tesla
"Absolutely! New Orleans welcomed me with open arms as soon as I was drafted here, and it feels more and more like home every year and every season that passes. At this point, it's hard for me to picture spending my post-football life anywhere else. I had a small place in San Antonio for a long time, but I eventually sold that when the Marshals relocated and rebranded. That city will always have a special place in my heart, of course, but at this point New Orleans really and truly is my home. I'm so proud of everything I've been able to do for the city, and that I've been able to represent the team and its fans so well for so long. So in short, I'll stay in New Orleans as long as New Orleans wants me here."
"If this was not your answer do you think you might go into coaching?" --Tesla
"At the moment, I don't really have any plans to go into coaching, but I'm sure that'll change at some point. Right now my energy is focused on DOOT Camp, which is like coaching in a way, but I know it's not the same. I also want to use my journalism degree, so I'll pursue the sports reporting for a while. But deep down in my heart, I know coaching is in my future. It'll just be a matter of the right team at the right time, you know? I want to be sure that whenever I decide to coach, it'll be for a team where I can really make a difference, and where it won't feel like a job. Hell, maybe I'll end up coaching the Second Line at some point. That would honestly be a dream come true for me. But right now, I'm happy where I'm at. I'll get into coaching at some point down the road, but I don't feel a lot of pressure for that to be right now."
"Are there any other sports you watch?" --Tesla
"Oh I love sports. Basketball is probably my second love: on the pro level I'm a die-hard Boston Celtics fan, and while I don't watch college ball very much I really enjoy watching Oregon. I'm a stats guy too, so I really enjoy watching baseball when I get the chance. During my short stint in the DSFL I went to a few San Antonio Sloths games, so I always keep an eye out for them when they're playing. I got into women's soccer after the World Cup a few years back, and my team of choice there is the Seattle Reign -- or OL Reign, as they're known now, which I have a lot of feelings about. My wife loves volleyball, so she's gotten me into that: my alma mater Nebraska has the best women's volleyball program in the country, and the men's program in Hawai'i is outstanding. And my wife introduced me to Australian rules football, and that's always a blast to watch. The time difference makes it hard, but I have a subscription that lets me download and watch all of the games on my own time, which is great for long flights home after games. I still haven't fully committed to a team, but I'm leaning toward Geelong. I really enjoy their style of play, and my wife is a big supporter of them as well, so it's kind of a natural decision. Honestly I'll watch pretty much anything. I just love watching sports."
"If you had to play another sport what would it be?" --Tesla
"That's a really good question. Football is really the only sport I've ever played, so it's hard for me to picture myself doing something else. I might go with basketball, just because I enjoy watching it so much. But I think in another life I was a baseball player. I don't know what position I would play, but something about baseball feels right to me, you know? There aren't many other sports that a polar bear can play, so my options are pretty limited. But maybe I'll try some out after I retire. Maybe I'll get really into competitive kickball or something, or be like Wilt Chamberlain and be a monstrous volleyball player."
"You have played with some terrific players next to you, but how many of them can you name off the top of your head?" --Tesla
"Oh man, what a loaded question. Well there are the guys I played with in San Antonio: Mo Berry, Walt Green, Nero Alexander, Morgan Marshall, and Cooter Bigsby. And then there have been so many in New Orleans: Forrest Gump, Johnny Slothface, Stan Francisco, Vladimir Fyodorovich, Marcella Toriki, Mason Blaylock, Givussafare Rubbe, Bjorn Ironside, Borkus Maximus III, and William H. Harrison, just to name a handful. I've been fortunate to play with a number of great players over the years, so I have a hard time remembering all of them! This list is not definitive by any means; if anything, these are just the players who have had the greatest impact on me as a person and as a player. But just because someone isn't on that list doesn't mean they aren't important to me, or that they're any less talented as a player. It's more a testament to my bad memory than anything. The biggest thing to take away from this is that I've gotten to play alongside an incredible number of incredible people; I've had a very fortunate career in that regard."
"Thoughts on the Ultimus being San Jose at Colorado again?" --Tesla
"You know, on one hand I'm a little surprised -- and, if I'm being honest, a little disappointed -- but there's also a part of me that isn't surprised by that at all. Colorado has a great roster and great leadership, and they've spent a long time building that program up and getting it to where it is now. They're young and talented and hungry, which are all the things you need if you want to win a championship. And San Jose...you know, San Jose did everything right for a really long time, but for some reason things just didn't break their way. But they didn't despair or throw in the towel or give up. They kept on working and making the smart decisions, they kept doing everything they could to put themselves in the best possible position. And now things are breaking their way, and that's allowed them to capitalize on their hard work. They've truly made their own luck, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Am I bummed that it isn't New Orleans playing in the Ultimus? Yes, of course. But do both of these teams deserve to be playing there, and vying for the championship? Absolutely."
"Do you think a defense of eleven linebackers could be functional?" --Tesla
"Could it be functional? It could be the scariest defense in league history! I've said for a very long time that linebacker is the most versatile position on defense: we can tackle, we can force turnovers, we can defend against the pass, we can pressure quarterbacks, we can really do everything. We've got the speed to match up with wide receivers, we've got the strength to fight the linemen in the trenches, and we can hit as hard as anyone. I fully believe that eleven linebackers on defense would work, and work well. Will we ever see it? Probably not. But it's a fun thought experiment, for sure. Maybe when I'm coaching somewhere, I'll try to run an all-linebacker defense, just to see how well they do."
"Favorite draft class since joining the New Orleans Second Line?" --Tesla
"I'm probably not allowed to say my own, am I? Outside of that, each class has had people that I've really admired and enjoyed playing with. But if I had to pick a single class as a whole, I'd probably say the class of Season 18, followed extremely closely by the class of Season 19. In Season 18 we drafted Bjorn Ironside, David Rector, and Givussafare Rubbe; although we didn't draft her, we eventually got Marcella Toriki as well. The following season we got Mack Arianlacher, Austin McCormick, Mason Blaylock, and Jed Podolak. Every single one of those players were huge in our title run in Season 21, and even though a lot of them aren't on the team anymore, I still care for each of them. I think the New Orleans front office has nailed every single draft since I got here, so I have players from every draft that I appreciate. I'm sure we'll knock this upcoming draft out of the park as well; I'm excited to see who'll be suiting up for the Second Line next season."
"How do you maintain your fitness during the off-season?" --Tesla
"Running used to be one of my biggest activities as far as staying in shape, but it gets harder and harder on my knees every year. So lately I've taken up biking and swimming, so I can still get some cardio in without sacrificing my legs. I still hit the gym as often as I can; I've been working with the coaching staff in New Orleans for so long that I have all kinds of off-season workout routines to follow, depending on what I'm trying to focus on. And eating right is a big part of it, so I make sure I'm watching what and how much I'm eating. That's really the hardest part for me. I've already said that I'm a big foodie, so I always struggle with the dieting. But I've managed for eleven seasons, so I think I can hang on for one or two more."
"Favorite player nickname for anyone in the league, and favorite player nickname for someone on your team?" --Tesla
"I'm gonna be selfish for a moment and say that my favorite nicknames are two that I've come up with for my teammates. The first time I met Marcella Toriki after she signed with us, she was walking into the locker room before camp. I saw her and stood up, and the first words out of my mouth were, 'Purple Reign is here!' I'm especially proud of that one, and I think the team even used it in some press releases afterward. The other one is for my fellow defender LiterallyJust A. Hexagon, who I have taken to calling 'Sexy Hexy.' He'll make a good play during a game, and I'll get up to him and just go 'Sexy Hexy!' It's started to catch on, too: a lot of our teammates do it now too, and I think I've even heard some of our opponents say it during our games."
"How would you respond to the moon hatching?" --Tesla
"God, I think that depends on what comes out, doesn't it? Like it's hard to imagine a scenario where something good comes out of the moon, but there's certainly degrees of how bad it would be. I think my initial reaction would be to panic and, if I wasn't at home, to try to get home to my wife as soon as possible. But if whatever came out wasn't bad, or didn't immediately destroy the world or something, I'd just be glued to my TV and the radio and every news outlet. I'd want to know everything about it. That's not to say I wouldn't still be afraid, don't get me wrong, but I think my initial panic would be replaced with a sort of nervous curiosity. Like, the more I know about whatever it is, the less scary it is. Does that make sense?"
"Why is Quenton Bode better than Mo Berry?" --Frick_Nasty
"Oh man, I don't believe for a second that I'm better than Mo Berry. What I would say is that Berry and I excel in different areas: he's much better at getting to the quarterback and defending passes, whereas I'm more of a pure tackler and turnover creator. And all of those things are important when you're playing linebacker, so to say one of us is 'better' than the other is a little disingenuous. He certainly has me beat in terms of personal awards, and so far we're even on championships, so if you're using awards as your metric for 'better' than he absolutely mops the floor with me. But I've had a longer career, and my Second Line has had marginally more success than his Yeti during our respective tenures, so maybe that gives me the edge. I don't know, man. I'll let other people decide which of us is better. Mo's a good guy and a dear friend, and that's what's important at the end of the day. Wish we could have had the chance to play together in the ISFL, but I don't think the league could've handled that."
"Are you upset about not making the all 25 team?" --Frick_Nasty
"Maybe for like...half a second, if that long. Like, I'm a competitor, and that means wanting to prove to everyone that I'm the best. So the competitive side of me absolutely wants to be on that list, because it proves that I'm one of the best linebackers in league history. So to not get that recognition, the recognition that that side of me feels like I deserve, was frustrating. But then you look at the list and go, 'Man, these guys really deserve to be here.' Like, look at that list: out of the 10 players on it, 7 are already in the Hall of Fame, Berry is a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and I think Selich will make it into the Hall. So out of those 10 players, 9 either will be in or are already in the Hall of Fame. That means there's one spot on that list that could feasibly be mine, and that's a big argument to make. There are plenty of other really talented players who have an argument for that spot -- which, by the way, is on the second team. So we're not even arguing about a spot on the first team, the best of the best. And I think that's a really hard argument to make for me. So I was angry, yeah. But then I looked at the list and went, "Damn." Like, all of those guys absolutely deserve to be on that list. And of course I think I deserve to be there, but so do all the other guys who got left off that team. So I just shrugged it off and now I'm using it as motivation to keep going. My goal now is to make the all 50 list, and I feel like I'm well on my way to getting that spot."
"Are you going until auto retired?" --Frick_Nasty
"At this point, I'm just taking it one season at a time. Like I said earlier, I still have a few goals I'm hoping to reach, and with any luck I'll be able to get them in Season 26. If I do, I think it'll be easy for me to hang them up before Season 27. If I don't, that's a harder decision for me to make. On top of that is the fact that I just love to play football, and I want to make my playing career last as long as I can before I have to say goodbye. So there is a possibility I retire at the end of next season, for sure. But I am definitely not committing to that just yet. I think, if it comes down to it, I'll retire before retirement is forced on me. Maybe to a lot of people that distinction isn't a big deal, but to me it's important that I get to choose when I stop playing, instead of feeling like it was forced on me. Does that make sense? I want to be able to say, 'I'm done playing and am retiring,' instead of the league coming to me and saying, 'According to the rules, you have to stop playing now.' Having that control over my career, or specifically how my career ends, is big for me. So I think I'll get right up to that auto-retirement line, but I think I'll stop before I cross it."
"Plans for a recreate?" --Frick_Nasty
terriblehippo: "I have some ideas, but nothing set in stone just yet. I probably won't actually settle on anything specific until I'm typing up the player creation post and have to choose a position. I will say that I'm 99% sure I'm gonna be creating on offense, because I really want to experience the game on that side of the ball. I haven't decided which position that will be, but I've been talking to some people around the league to get a better idea of what each position is like and which one would be the best fit for me. And I say 99% sure instead of 100% sure because there's a part of me that loves defense, has always loved defense, and always will love defense. So I might end up creating another defensive player and just keep on doing what I've been doing. As far as my render goes, I have it narrowed down to two individuals, but my ultimate decision will depend on what position I end up going for. To give you a little teaser, I will say that, while my next player will not be a bear, he will be another non-human
"
"Which teams do you hate the most and why is it the Yeti?" --Frick_Nasty
"My God, all these loaded questions! Let me get one thing straight, right off the bat: I do not hate the Yeti, at all. I've known a lot of people in the Yeti organization over the years, and all of them have been wonderful people. It's also been really easy for me to root for them, and to see them build their way up from the bottom of the league all the way to Ultimus champions. It definitely mirrors my own experience with the Second Line, so I can relate to what that organization has gone through on their way to the top. Although I will admit, it might have been easier for me to support their journey since I'm not in their conference." Laughs. "But I definitely don't hate the Yeti. Like I said, I would've enjoyed getting to play alongside Berry in Colorado, and I think I would've had a lot of success had that been where I ended up. I have a lot of respect for that team and that organization, from top to bottom.
"And honestly, I don't really hate any team in the league. There are certainly teams that frustrate me, just because of how good they always seem to be. But being frustrated by a team and hating a team are two totally different things. And 'hate' is such a strong word, I wouldn't say that I truly hate many things. So, to make a short answer long, I don't hate any teams. I have a lot of respect for all of my opponents. Maybe that's not a clickbait-worthy answer, but it's an honest answer."
"Which hippo is the best hippo?" --Duilio05
"I'm a big fan of Jessica, honestly. Her story is really similar to mine in a lot of ways: separated from her parents at an early age, rescued and eventually adopted by humans, and now something of a worldwide celebrity. I can really relate to her story and to what she's been through. A close second is Fiona. She's already a success story in her own right, and it's been neat to watch her as she grows up."
"And why is Hungry Hungry Hippos the best game?" --Duilio05
"I don't know that I'd call it the best game, but it is pretty fun in its own way. I do kind of enjoy the mindlessness of it: as soon as the game starts, you just mash that button as hard and as fast as you can, so you can get as many marbles as possible. It's pretty simple, pretty self-explanatory, and easy to set up and to put away. It's a really fun game to play with kids, too. They love the craziness and the chaos of it."
"Would you want to play on the same team as my recreate in the future?" --Duilio05
terriblehippo: "Absolutely! I said before that I wish I could've played with Frick, but honestly I wish I could've played with all of my Fab Five teammates. That was one of the toughest things about playing in the DSFL, in my opinion: we all sort of knew in the back of our minds that those days were limited, and that we almost certainly wouldn't get to continue that experience in the big leagues. But now, with retirement and re-creation on the horizon and growing nearer every day, we have a chance to team up again. I'm so excited for that. So yeah, I'd love to be on the same team as you with my next player! I think any team lucky enough to land you and me both is gonna be a title contender for a very long time."
"Sadly, the Second Line's season is at an end: for the first time since Season 18, we've failed to make the playoffs. But that's just how the game is sometimes. So, instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I figured I'd do my post-season presser a little early this year. So let's get this thing started!"
"How did you celebrate the tackle record? How far do you want to push it?" --slothfacekilla
"I got to celebrate the tackle record twice, really. The first time was in the locker room after the game. As soon as I stepped into the locker room after the win, I was immediately swarmed by my teammates, and they were all screaming their heads off. It wasn't just the defense, either; every single one of my teammates, offense and defense, were in that mob. You'd think we'd just won the Ultimus, that's how crazy and loud it was. And that's one of my favorite things about this team: they were all aware of how close I was to breaking that record, and they all knew how important it was to me to reach that milestone. This team is truly like a second family, we're all so close and we care for each other so much. It's an individual achievement, but my whole team was excited to celebrate that moment with me, which is a memory I'll treasure for the rest of my life. My second celebration was much smaller, but just as meaningful. It was when I got back to my house after the game. My wife and my parents were there waiting for me, and as soon as I walked in the door they started cheering and clapping. We had a nice meal as a family, which is something we don't get to do a lot with my parents living so far away. Both celebrations were fun in their own way, but they were both very touching and meant so much to me.
"As to how far I want to push it, the sky's the limit at this point. I've got at least one more good season left in me, maybe two, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I can get to 1400 tackles. Nothing is guaranteed, of course, but I feel confident I'll hit that mark eventually. Honestly the exact number doesn't matter to me at this point. What matters is, can I still help my team win games? As long as that's the case, I'll play, and as long as I'm playing, I'm adding to that total."
"Any plans for the offseason?" --slothfacekilla
"Last offseason, I launched DOOT Camp with the goal of bringing a high-level youth football camp to kids who might not otherwise have the means of attending a camp. I'm very proud to say that the first iteration of DOOT Camp was a resounding success, and that I'll be continuing with DOOT Camp this offseason. The Minnesota Grey Ducks have generously agreed to let us use their facilities, so we'll have camps in Minnesota as well as here in New Orleans, and the hope is to continue expanding and offering camps across the country. Outside of training and preparing for Season 26, that'll be my main focus."
"Any other goals for Bode outside of tackles at this point?" --slothfacekilla
"Well another Ultimus would be fantastic!" Laughs "That's a given, of course; everyone would love to add another Ultimus ring to their collection. Beyond that, I'm hoping to move up a few places on the all-time forced fumble and fumble recovery record lists. I'm currently tied for third in career forced fumbles, and getting just two more would vault me into second place. And I'm tied for eighth in fumbles recovered, and any more of those will send me up that list considerably. So at the end of the day, I just gotta keep doing what I've been doing, and working as hard as I've ever worked. I know I probably won't end up at first on either of those lists, but that's no reason not to try for it."
"If you were fighting a possessed suit of knight's armor how would you defeat it?" --slothfacekilla
"Well, I'd start by staying at least sixty feet away from it at all times, as it's effectively blind beyond that range. I'd target it with spells that force it to make saving throws (but not spells that do poison damage); it has an Armor Class of 18 but its stats are not great, so you're more likely to get it to fail a saving throw than you are to beat its AC. And, if all else fails, just hit it with 'Dispel Magic.' It's a suit of armor powered by magic, so using 'Dispel Magic' is like hitting its off switch. But if we're talking in real life, I'd probably just tackle it really hard. That's kind of my thing."
"Favorite part of New Orleans?" --Tesla
"Man, that's a tough question! I've been here for so long, and I've really gotten to fall in love with everything about the city. The music scene is fantastic, the fans -- and the people in general -- are incredible, and there's just so much to see and to do. If I really had to narrow it down, I would say that my favorite thing about New Orleans is the food. I grew up in Anchorage, Alaska, which isn't a city that's exactly known for its cuisine. But New Orleans is an amazing food town. I have my favorite spots, of course, but every once in a while I'll just go out and walk around until I find a restaurant that looks appealing, and without fail it will serve something amazing. I think once I do finally retire and I don't have to stay in shape for football anymore, I'm gonna gain a bunch of weight just from truly experiencing all that New Orleans has to offer. I'm gonna hang them up, and in two or three months I'll be completely unrecognizable."
"Thoughts on what you will do in retirement?" --Tesla
"I'll continue doing DOOT Camp for sure, and since I won't be limited by the ISFL season I'll be able to do it in some capacity year-round. I'm really looking forward to that: football is my passion, and I'm so excited to get to share that passion with the next generation of football players. Beyond that, I think I'm going to go into sports reporting. As a league veteran, I'll have a unique perspective on the DSFL and the ISFL that the average reporter just doesn't have. Plus, I have plenty of connections in and around the league, so I think I'll be able to get some early scoops that wouldn't be available to other reporters. Mostly, I think I'll just enjoy being able to live my life at my own pace, and to have some real free time for once. Life as an pro football player is great, don't get me wrong, but I always have somewhere to be or something to do or someone I need to talk to, and it can be exhausting. Even when you aren't doing something directly league-related, you have to watch what you eat and be careful that you don't accidentally hurt yourself and things like that. I'm looking forward to being able to call the shots in my own life for once. Like I said before, the first thing I'll do is probably get really fat from eating whatever the hell I want."
"Do you think you will stay in New Orleans?" --Tesla
"Absolutely! New Orleans welcomed me with open arms as soon as I was drafted here, and it feels more and more like home every year and every season that passes. At this point, it's hard for me to picture spending my post-football life anywhere else. I had a small place in San Antonio for a long time, but I eventually sold that when the Marshals relocated and rebranded. That city will always have a special place in my heart, of course, but at this point New Orleans really and truly is my home. I'm so proud of everything I've been able to do for the city, and that I've been able to represent the team and its fans so well for so long. So in short, I'll stay in New Orleans as long as New Orleans wants me here."
"If this was not your answer do you think you might go into coaching?" --Tesla
"At the moment, I don't really have any plans to go into coaching, but I'm sure that'll change at some point. Right now my energy is focused on DOOT Camp, which is like coaching in a way, but I know it's not the same. I also want to use my journalism degree, so I'll pursue the sports reporting for a while. But deep down in my heart, I know coaching is in my future. It'll just be a matter of the right team at the right time, you know? I want to be sure that whenever I decide to coach, it'll be for a team where I can really make a difference, and where it won't feel like a job. Hell, maybe I'll end up coaching the Second Line at some point. That would honestly be a dream come true for me. But right now, I'm happy where I'm at. I'll get into coaching at some point down the road, but I don't feel a lot of pressure for that to be right now."
"Are there any other sports you watch?" --Tesla
"Oh I love sports. Basketball is probably my second love: on the pro level I'm a die-hard Boston Celtics fan, and while I don't watch college ball very much I really enjoy watching Oregon. I'm a stats guy too, so I really enjoy watching baseball when I get the chance. During my short stint in the DSFL I went to a few San Antonio Sloths games, so I always keep an eye out for them when they're playing. I got into women's soccer after the World Cup a few years back, and my team of choice there is the Seattle Reign -- or OL Reign, as they're known now, which I have a lot of feelings about. My wife loves volleyball, so she's gotten me into that: my alma mater Nebraska has the best women's volleyball program in the country, and the men's program in Hawai'i is outstanding. And my wife introduced me to Australian rules football, and that's always a blast to watch. The time difference makes it hard, but I have a subscription that lets me download and watch all of the games on my own time, which is great for long flights home after games. I still haven't fully committed to a team, but I'm leaning toward Geelong. I really enjoy their style of play, and my wife is a big supporter of them as well, so it's kind of a natural decision. Honestly I'll watch pretty much anything. I just love watching sports."
"If you had to play another sport what would it be?" --Tesla
"That's a really good question. Football is really the only sport I've ever played, so it's hard for me to picture myself doing something else. I might go with basketball, just because I enjoy watching it so much. But I think in another life I was a baseball player. I don't know what position I would play, but something about baseball feels right to me, you know? There aren't many other sports that a polar bear can play, so my options are pretty limited. But maybe I'll try some out after I retire. Maybe I'll get really into competitive kickball or something, or be like Wilt Chamberlain and be a monstrous volleyball player."
"You have played with some terrific players next to you, but how many of them can you name off the top of your head?" --Tesla
"Oh man, what a loaded question. Well there are the guys I played with in San Antonio: Mo Berry, Walt Green, Nero Alexander, Morgan Marshall, and Cooter Bigsby. And then there have been so many in New Orleans: Forrest Gump, Johnny Slothface, Stan Francisco, Vladimir Fyodorovich, Marcella Toriki, Mason Blaylock, Givussafare Rubbe, Bjorn Ironside, Borkus Maximus III, and William H. Harrison, just to name a handful. I've been fortunate to play with a number of great players over the years, so I have a hard time remembering all of them! This list is not definitive by any means; if anything, these are just the players who have had the greatest impact on me as a person and as a player. But just because someone isn't on that list doesn't mean they aren't important to me, or that they're any less talented as a player. It's more a testament to my bad memory than anything. The biggest thing to take away from this is that I've gotten to play alongside an incredible number of incredible people; I've had a very fortunate career in that regard."
"Thoughts on the Ultimus being San Jose at Colorado again?" --Tesla
"You know, on one hand I'm a little surprised -- and, if I'm being honest, a little disappointed -- but there's also a part of me that isn't surprised by that at all. Colorado has a great roster and great leadership, and they've spent a long time building that program up and getting it to where it is now. They're young and talented and hungry, which are all the things you need if you want to win a championship. And San Jose...you know, San Jose did everything right for a really long time, but for some reason things just didn't break their way. But they didn't despair or throw in the towel or give up. They kept on working and making the smart decisions, they kept doing everything they could to put themselves in the best possible position. And now things are breaking their way, and that's allowed them to capitalize on their hard work. They've truly made their own luck, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Am I bummed that it isn't New Orleans playing in the Ultimus? Yes, of course. But do both of these teams deserve to be playing there, and vying for the championship? Absolutely."
"Do you think a defense of eleven linebackers could be functional?" --Tesla
"Could it be functional? It could be the scariest defense in league history! I've said for a very long time that linebacker is the most versatile position on defense: we can tackle, we can force turnovers, we can defend against the pass, we can pressure quarterbacks, we can really do everything. We've got the speed to match up with wide receivers, we've got the strength to fight the linemen in the trenches, and we can hit as hard as anyone. I fully believe that eleven linebackers on defense would work, and work well. Will we ever see it? Probably not. But it's a fun thought experiment, for sure. Maybe when I'm coaching somewhere, I'll try to run an all-linebacker defense, just to see how well they do."
"Favorite draft class since joining the New Orleans Second Line?" --Tesla
"I'm probably not allowed to say my own, am I? Outside of that, each class has had people that I've really admired and enjoyed playing with. But if I had to pick a single class as a whole, I'd probably say the class of Season 18, followed extremely closely by the class of Season 19. In Season 18 we drafted Bjorn Ironside, David Rector, and Givussafare Rubbe; although we didn't draft her, we eventually got Marcella Toriki as well. The following season we got Mack Arianlacher, Austin McCormick, Mason Blaylock, and Jed Podolak. Every single one of those players were huge in our title run in Season 21, and even though a lot of them aren't on the team anymore, I still care for each of them. I think the New Orleans front office has nailed every single draft since I got here, so I have players from every draft that I appreciate. I'm sure we'll knock this upcoming draft out of the park as well; I'm excited to see who'll be suiting up for the Second Line next season."
"How do you maintain your fitness during the off-season?" --Tesla
"Running used to be one of my biggest activities as far as staying in shape, but it gets harder and harder on my knees every year. So lately I've taken up biking and swimming, so I can still get some cardio in without sacrificing my legs. I still hit the gym as often as I can; I've been working with the coaching staff in New Orleans for so long that I have all kinds of off-season workout routines to follow, depending on what I'm trying to focus on. And eating right is a big part of it, so I make sure I'm watching what and how much I'm eating. That's really the hardest part for me. I've already said that I'm a big foodie, so I always struggle with the dieting. But I've managed for eleven seasons, so I think I can hang on for one or two more."
"Favorite player nickname for anyone in the league, and favorite player nickname for someone on your team?" --Tesla
"I'm gonna be selfish for a moment and say that my favorite nicknames are two that I've come up with for my teammates. The first time I met Marcella Toriki after she signed with us, she was walking into the locker room before camp. I saw her and stood up, and the first words out of my mouth were, 'Purple Reign is here!' I'm especially proud of that one, and I think the team even used it in some press releases afterward. The other one is for my fellow defender LiterallyJust A. Hexagon, who I have taken to calling 'Sexy Hexy.' He'll make a good play during a game, and I'll get up to him and just go 'Sexy Hexy!' It's started to catch on, too: a lot of our teammates do it now too, and I think I've even heard some of our opponents say it during our games."
"How would you respond to the moon hatching?" --Tesla
"God, I think that depends on what comes out, doesn't it? Like it's hard to imagine a scenario where something good comes out of the moon, but there's certainly degrees of how bad it would be. I think my initial reaction would be to panic and, if I wasn't at home, to try to get home to my wife as soon as possible. But if whatever came out wasn't bad, or didn't immediately destroy the world or something, I'd just be glued to my TV and the radio and every news outlet. I'd want to know everything about it. That's not to say I wouldn't still be afraid, don't get me wrong, but I think my initial panic would be replaced with a sort of nervous curiosity. Like, the more I know about whatever it is, the less scary it is. Does that make sense?"
"Why is Quenton Bode better than Mo Berry?" --Frick_Nasty
"Oh man, I don't believe for a second that I'm better than Mo Berry. What I would say is that Berry and I excel in different areas: he's much better at getting to the quarterback and defending passes, whereas I'm more of a pure tackler and turnover creator. And all of those things are important when you're playing linebacker, so to say one of us is 'better' than the other is a little disingenuous. He certainly has me beat in terms of personal awards, and so far we're even on championships, so if you're using awards as your metric for 'better' than he absolutely mops the floor with me. But I've had a longer career, and my Second Line has had marginally more success than his Yeti during our respective tenures, so maybe that gives me the edge. I don't know, man. I'll let other people decide which of us is better. Mo's a good guy and a dear friend, and that's what's important at the end of the day. Wish we could have had the chance to play together in the ISFL, but I don't think the league could've handled that."
"Are you upset about not making the all 25 team?" --Frick_Nasty
"Maybe for like...half a second, if that long. Like, I'm a competitor, and that means wanting to prove to everyone that I'm the best. So the competitive side of me absolutely wants to be on that list, because it proves that I'm one of the best linebackers in league history. So to not get that recognition, the recognition that that side of me feels like I deserve, was frustrating. But then you look at the list and go, 'Man, these guys really deserve to be here.' Like, look at that list: out of the 10 players on it, 7 are already in the Hall of Fame, Berry is a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and I think Selich will make it into the Hall. So out of those 10 players, 9 either will be in or are already in the Hall of Fame. That means there's one spot on that list that could feasibly be mine, and that's a big argument to make. There are plenty of other really talented players who have an argument for that spot -- which, by the way, is on the second team. So we're not even arguing about a spot on the first team, the best of the best. And I think that's a really hard argument to make for me. So I was angry, yeah. But then I looked at the list and went, "Damn." Like, all of those guys absolutely deserve to be on that list. And of course I think I deserve to be there, but so do all the other guys who got left off that team. So I just shrugged it off and now I'm using it as motivation to keep going. My goal now is to make the all 50 list, and I feel like I'm well on my way to getting that spot."
"Are you going until auto retired?" --Frick_Nasty
"At this point, I'm just taking it one season at a time. Like I said earlier, I still have a few goals I'm hoping to reach, and with any luck I'll be able to get them in Season 26. If I do, I think it'll be easy for me to hang them up before Season 27. If I don't, that's a harder decision for me to make. On top of that is the fact that I just love to play football, and I want to make my playing career last as long as I can before I have to say goodbye. So there is a possibility I retire at the end of next season, for sure. But I am definitely not committing to that just yet. I think, if it comes down to it, I'll retire before retirement is forced on me. Maybe to a lot of people that distinction isn't a big deal, but to me it's important that I get to choose when I stop playing, instead of feeling like it was forced on me. Does that make sense? I want to be able to say, 'I'm done playing and am retiring,' instead of the league coming to me and saying, 'According to the rules, you have to stop playing now.' Having that control over my career, or specifically how my career ends, is big for me. So I think I'll get right up to that auto-retirement line, but I think I'll stop before I cross it."
"Plans for a recreate?" --Frick_Nasty
terriblehippo: "I have some ideas, but nothing set in stone just yet. I probably won't actually settle on anything specific until I'm typing up the player creation post and have to choose a position. I will say that I'm 99% sure I'm gonna be creating on offense, because I really want to experience the game on that side of the ball. I haven't decided which position that will be, but I've been talking to some people around the league to get a better idea of what each position is like and which one would be the best fit for me. And I say 99% sure instead of 100% sure because there's a part of me that loves defense, has always loved defense, and always will love defense. So I might end up creating another defensive player and just keep on doing what I've been doing. As far as my render goes, I have it narrowed down to two individuals, but my ultimate decision will depend on what position I end up going for. To give you a little teaser, I will say that, while my next player will not be a bear, he will be another non-human
""Which teams do you hate the most and why is it the Yeti?" --Frick_Nasty
"My God, all these loaded questions! Let me get one thing straight, right off the bat: I do not hate the Yeti, at all. I've known a lot of people in the Yeti organization over the years, and all of them have been wonderful people. It's also been really easy for me to root for them, and to see them build their way up from the bottom of the league all the way to Ultimus champions. It definitely mirrors my own experience with the Second Line, so I can relate to what that organization has gone through on their way to the top. Although I will admit, it might have been easier for me to support their journey since I'm not in their conference." Laughs. "But I definitely don't hate the Yeti. Like I said, I would've enjoyed getting to play alongside Berry in Colorado, and I think I would've had a lot of success had that been where I ended up. I have a lot of respect for that team and that organization, from top to bottom.
"And honestly, I don't really hate any team in the league. There are certainly teams that frustrate me, just because of how good they always seem to be. But being frustrated by a team and hating a team are two totally different things. And 'hate' is such a strong word, I wouldn't say that I truly hate many things. So, to make a short answer long, I don't hate any teams. I have a lot of respect for all of my opponents. Maybe that's not a clickbait-worthy answer, but it's an honest answer."
"Which hippo is the best hippo?" --Duilio05
"I'm a big fan of Jessica, honestly. Her story is really similar to mine in a lot of ways: separated from her parents at an early age, rescued and eventually adopted by humans, and now something of a worldwide celebrity. I can really relate to her story and to what she's been through. A close second is Fiona. She's already a success story in her own right, and it's been neat to watch her as she grows up."
"And why is Hungry Hungry Hippos the best game?" --Duilio05
"I don't know that I'd call it the best game, but it is pretty fun in its own way. I do kind of enjoy the mindlessness of it: as soon as the game starts, you just mash that button as hard and as fast as you can, so you can get as many marbles as possible. It's pretty simple, pretty self-explanatory, and easy to set up and to put away. It's a really fun game to play with kids, too. They love the craziness and the chaos of it."
"Would you want to play on the same team as my recreate in the future?" --Duilio05
terriblehippo: "Absolutely! I said before that I wish I could've played with Frick, but honestly I wish I could've played with all of my Fab Five teammates. That was one of the toughest things about playing in the DSFL, in my opinion: we all sort of knew in the back of our minds that those days were limited, and that we almost certainly wouldn't get to continue that experience in the big leagues. But now, with retirement and re-creation on the horizon and growing nearer every day, we have a chance to team up again. I'm so excited for that. So yeah, I'd love to be on the same team as you with my next player! I think any team lucky enough to land you and me both is gonna be a title contender for a very long time."
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