12-06-2021, 12:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-07-2021, 05:44 AM by .simo. Edited 2 times in total.)
I’ve already seen some other users compile Space Jam-esque teams to battle the Monstars, but I am confident my team will be the superior choice in defending the future of the planet. I believe my team could be competitive on the football field, but ultimately we have many strategies that should guarantee success. First and foremost, I have chosen ISFL players who have a strong array of superpowers that should at least be comparable to whatever the alien team can muster. I reason that we should know within the first drive whether or not a football match is a fair competition between the two species, and if we are going to lose badly we can resort to more devious methods of winning. If the aliens are specialized in football but not in general strength or combat, perhaps we can launch an attack in the middle of the football game. This seems underhanded, but if the fate of the planet is at stake, we are required to do what is necessary to survive. However, I think this possibility would be quite unlikely, as any competition in which the alien species can threaten conquer Earth must have some pretense of military might. So, failing that we can beat the aliens in football or overpower them, hopefully we can deceive them into thinking our roster is made up of commonplace Earthlings and that taking over our planet would be too difficult to conquer and persuade them to move onto a different galaxy.
I have picked at least one player for each position, but I did not complete a roster of 11 players for each side of the ball. While examining the tracker, I noticed that some positions did not have multiple ‘superhuman’ players, and it is critical that we do not reveal that there are some mundane examples of humanity to maintain our charade. If there aren’t enough superhuman players to have 11 on each side of the ball, we will just ask some of them to play offense and defense. There are enough players that boast traits similar to superhuman endurance, so surely they would be able to maintain a high level of performance for four quarters. Without further ado, let’s introduce our team.
QB IsHe… ReallyInvisible (@JPach) This pick was a no-brainer. The Second Line quarterback cannot be seen with the naked eye, so we must have him under center just in case this particular species of alien does not possess the technology to see him. I realize that’s unlikely, but it seems like an instant win for Team World if the Monstars can’t track the ball on any given play. We already know that [urhttps://forums.sim-football.com/showthread.php?tid=35266&pid=522623#pid522623]items carried by ReallyInvisible can be seen[/url], so we will likely be aiming to use him on trick plays quite a bit. Honorable mention for quarterback is Jackie Daytona—I’m not incredibly familiar with Laszlo, but his usage in the game would depend on which vampire traits he possesses. Super strength? Quite good. Turning into a bat? Not really helpful to us. If it isn’t abundantly clear already, I have no interest in compiling a team based on TPE as I don’t think we should risk the fate of the planet on beating the aliens in a fair football game.
RB Captain Rogers (@TeyonSchavari) Another easy pick here as we choose a running back with an incredible amount of experience in defending Earth from extraterrestrial threats. I must regrettably assume that players are not allowed to bring extraneous equipment onto the field, so Rogers will likely not be permitted to wield his trademark vibranium shield. However, that isn’t really the reason we want Rogers on the team. Let’s face it—the aliens are going to probably be stronger, faster, and smarter than our players, and whoever lines up in the backfield will be taking a lot of hits. Captain Rogers’ greatest trait is his indomitable spirit and ability to continue fighting, and we’ll be relying on that quite a bit if we end up being required to actually play traditional gridiron football. Plus, he’s got “Captain” in his name, so we’ll give him the captain designation for our offense.
WR Tsuyu Asui (@WildfireMicro) I don’t know anything about this anime, but the powers are too good to ignore. Starting off with the basics, we have “long distance hopping”. I am going to assume this gives Asui the ability to at least jump over a normal-sized person. I have no idea how tall the aliens are going to be, but anything over a ten-foot jump should be good for hurdling. “Extending her tongue up to a maximum of 20 meters” has obvious benefits as a wide receiver. As long as ReallyInvisible can deliver the ball anywhere downfield, it is in Asui’s catch radius. I’m also seeing something called “Froppy Hopper”, which looks like a one-time use for jumping to “extreme heights”. As long as we aren’t playing in a dome, hopefully we can get a guaranteed touchdown from this one on a screen play.
WR Taro Raimon (@xTri) Given Asui’s frankly absurd superpowers, I would expect the Monstars defense to sell out to limit her production. We need to ensure that our second receiving option is a sure-handed player capable of extended drives when called upon. I can think of no better player on the list of wide receivers to fulfill that description than Taro Raimon. Raimon is a speedy, diminutive player whose primary ability is his superb catching skills. He has apparently trained by catching glasses of wine without spilling them and has a Dennis Rodman-like focus on the trajectory of the ball as it travels through the air. Raimon is also quite adept at making one-handed catches, so he should fill in nicely as a possession receiver to help keep our offense moving.
TE Nick L. Back (@'Zoone') Nick L. Back is the ISFL “stage name” for Chad Kroeger, the frontman of (in?)famous rock band Nickelback. I know that this is something of a departure from the power level of our other team members, but I think Back still has a role on this team as a decoy. Nickelback is polarizing. Most people either love or hate the band, so we are going to hope that the Monstars have similar feelings. Ideally, we will have Nickelback perform one of their songs before the game under the guise of it being a “world anthem” and gauge the aliens’ response accordingly. If they enjoy the performance, we might look for Back in 3rd and short situations in case the opponent has any reservations about tackling him. If they hate the performance, he’s likely to be a decoy for the entire game. Admittedly this is a weaker part of the roster, but pretty much all ISFL tight ends are just regular humans that don’t offer much resistance.
OL Manhattan Project (@Modern_Duke) Project is an interesting addition, as it’s bit difficult to tell what form it takes on the field. Project’s render is a mushroom cloud, so I am forced to assume it is a self-contained nuclear explosion that has just occurred. Surely the alien race will understand the implications of coming into close contact with radiation, so they will need to be creative in coming up with ways to rush the passer without physically touching Project. If Project has any way of expanding its radius, we could always attempt a late game Mutually Assured Destruction play and consider the game drawn.
DE Son Goku (@Naosu) Quite reminiscent of the Captain Rogers pick, Goku’s calling card is his ability to effectively fight aliens, always coming up with a winning plan on-the-fly. There is a lot to like here—flight, the ability to shoot energy projectiles at the opposing QB when they are in the pocket, and going Super Saiyan in the second half to offset any Endurance losses. Although Goku won’t be permitted to bring any equipment into the arena, we know that his preparation for the match will be stellar. Expect him to undergo some training in the Hyperbaric Time Chamber prior to this game as well as keeping a Senzu Bean in his locker to keep up the pressure for the entirety of the game.
DT Magnus Rikiya (@Tesla) I am learning that anime characters are very well suited for this contest, and that theme continues with Magnus Rikiya (AKA Rikiya Gao). Like at Tight End, our options are limited here due to the lack of inhuman players. Most players at this position are simply strong humans (or a generic pizza delivery man), but there is a brick wall as well. Rikiya on the other hand does boast preternatural strength, being able to tear metal guardrails in half and stand in the path of traffic and stop vehicles without being hurt. As much as our offense will be focused on being sneaky and finding clever ways to score on the opposition, it looks like our defensive line will try to go toe-to-toe with the aliens and hoping to win the battle at the line of scrimmage.
LB Bender Rodriguez (@shrub02) Another player with an extensive amount of experience in dealing with aliens, Bender has the added bonus of being born approximately one thousand years after most other players in the league and therefore is blessed with advanced technology. One talent of Bender’s we will try to exploit is his seemingly magical chest cavity. Bender is routinely shown removing items from his chest that are far too large for him to accommodate, so we will attempt to hide items that benefit the rest of the team (e.g. Captain America’s shield, Goku’s Dragon Balls) that could give us an advantage (or instant victory) if the refereeing body does not do a thorough job of vetting the players. Even if this subterfuge fails, Bender still has great utility as a “locker room guy” who will constantly berate the referees after a penalty flag is thrown even if his team is obviously at fault.
LB Omni Man (@LimJahey) Omni Man was one of the final additions to my roster. I personally don’t know much about the character or his series, but he seems to check all of the boxes that you would want in a battle—he is incredibly strong, he is incredibly fast, he can fly, and he regenerates quickly to heal from injury. I also see that he can exist in outer space without any protection, so if the alien team struggles in an outdoor stadium perhaps we can demand to play the contest in a neutral setting that works to our advantage. All in all, Omni Man is a well rounded player that seems to be a microcosm of all of the players we have added in other positions.
LB Busch Light (@crow19) Busch Light was the final player added to my roster. In addition to adding to our linebacker depth, I will admit that I feel pretty assured of victory and felt that the team could enjoy a refreshing drink after the conclusion of the game. Unfortunately the best I can provide from the tracker is Busch Light, and Busch Light has not logged on in almost a year so is likely quite stale at this point.
CB Tim Soulja (@Painted) Soulja will be one of the most important members of the defense given his unique special powers. Soulja is the same species as Kirby, and anyone who has played Super Smash Brothers knows that Kirby is able to learn and emulate the powers of any creature that he inhales. We are certainly willing to take any necessary penalties (I assume holding would apply) to learn precisely what powers the Monstars have. Furthermore, Soulja’s ability gives him an extended tackling radius, as he can simply attempt to inhale the running back if he unable to reach him in time. Because of Soulja’s importance to our defensive gameplan, he earns the captain designation for the defense.
S SparkySparky Boom-man (@FleshBagSoup) Sparky Sparky Boom Man is another moniker for Combustion Man, a bounty hunter who has particularly potent firebending abilities. I haven’t watched the entirety of Avatar, but this guy seems pretty OP. He shoots explosions out of his third eye, he is incredibly strong and agile, and he has a metal claw on his hand. In addition to all of this we can infer that he is a very resilient player who will not give up after blowing one coverage assignment as he attempted to assassinate Aang multiple times before he blew himself up. As long as his locker is very away from Manhattan Project, Boom-man should be poised for success.
KP Rainbow Dash (@Peterson) Yes, a free agent kicker! Let’s be honest, we aren’t going to make a field goal in this game. The Monstars will have some strategy to block any field goal attempt as long as they have one player who can fly, and we aren’t planning to punt at all. This frees up our kicker to take on more of a support role, and there are few options better at supporting than Rainbow Dash. Additionally, being a pegasus means that Dash can fly in case we find ourselves needing to run any fake punts or field goals.
With our team composed, what does our strategy look like? I think we feature a lot of trick plays on offense with our invisible QB being split out wide, but in the traditional football sense, we are going to be heavily reliant on the production of Asui at WR, whose powers seem to far outstrip anyone else on offense in terms of football production. On defense, we don’t know what to expect from the alien side and have absolutely no game tape to work with, so we have made the strongest and fastest defense possible until we can accumulate more in-depth knowledge during the first quarter after Soulja copies various offensive players to learn their strengths and weaknesses. We will save the nuclear option until we are mathematically unable to win the game, as we have a disproportionate number of anime characters which will likely give us a higher than average chance of clenching victory when all hope is lost. However, if it is needed, Boom-man and Project are on call and perhaps have even practiced a similar play given their time together on the Colorado Yeti.
If your player is superhuman and didn’t make the list, there is a good chance I am just not familiar with the media that your player is from (or maybe you are still in the DSFL and I didn’t see you on the tracker). If so, I’d be happy to have your player on my team to give the human race an even better chance of surviving what could potentially be the last football game ever played. It’s unfortunate we didn’t have this prompt a few seasons ago, as I feel the roster composition could have been a bit stronger with the additions of Baby Yoda, Videl-San, Prince Vegeta, but I suppose cataclysmic events never arrive when it is most convenient. Anyway, when are we changing the name to Intergalactic Simulation Football League? Thank you for reading, and this was a fun thought experiment!
I have picked at least one player for each position, but I did not complete a roster of 11 players for each side of the ball. While examining the tracker, I noticed that some positions did not have multiple ‘superhuman’ players, and it is critical that we do not reveal that there are some mundane examples of humanity to maintain our charade. If there aren’t enough superhuman players to have 11 on each side of the ball, we will just ask some of them to play offense and defense. There are enough players that boast traits similar to superhuman endurance, so surely they would be able to maintain a high level of performance for four quarters. Without further ado, let’s introduce our team.
QB IsHe… ReallyInvisible (@JPach) This pick was a no-brainer. The Second Line quarterback cannot be seen with the naked eye, so we must have him under center just in case this particular species of alien does not possess the technology to see him. I realize that’s unlikely, but it seems like an instant win for Team World if the Monstars can’t track the ball on any given play. We already know that [urhttps://forums.sim-football.com/showthread.php?tid=35266&pid=522623#pid522623]items carried by ReallyInvisible can be seen[/url], so we will likely be aiming to use him on trick plays quite a bit. Honorable mention for quarterback is Jackie Daytona—I’m not incredibly familiar with Laszlo, but his usage in the game would depend on which vampire traits he possesses. Super strength? Quite good. Turning into a bat? Not really helpful to us. If it isn’t abundantly clear already, I have no interest in compiling a team based on TPE as I don’t think we should risk the fate of the planet on beating the aliens in a fair football game.
RB Captain Rogers (@TeyonSchavari) Another easy pick here as we choose a running back with an incredible amount of experience in defending Earth from extraterrestrial threats. I must regrettably assume that players are not allowed to bring extraneous equipment onto the field, so Rogers will likely not be permitted to wield his trademark vibranium shield. However, that isn’t really the reason we want Rogers on the team. Let’s face it—the aliens are going to probably be stronger, faster, and smarter than our players, and whoever lines up in the backfield will be taking a lot of hits. Captain Rogers’ greatest trait is his indomitable spirit and ability to continue fighting, and we’ll be relying on that quite a bit if we end up being required to actually play traditional gridiron football. Plus, he’s got “Captain” in his name, so we’ll give him the captain designation for our offense.
WR Tsuyu Asui (@WildfireMicro) I don’t know anything about this anime, but the powers are too good to ignore. Starting off with the basics, we have “long distance hopping”. I am going to assume this gives Asui the ability to at least jump over a normal-sized person. I have no idea how tall the aliens are going to be, but anything over a ten-foot jump should be good for hurdling. “Extending her tongue up to a maximum of 20 meters” has obvious benefits as a wide receiver. As long as ReallyInvisible can deliver the ball anywhere downfield, it is in Asui’s catch radius. I’m also seeing something called “Froppy Hopper”, which looks like a one-time use for jumping to “extreme heights”. As long as we aren’t playing in a dome, hopefully we can get a guaranteed touchdown from this one on a screen play.
WR Taro Raimon (@xTri) Given Asui’s frankly absurd superpowers, I would expect the Monstars defense to sell out to limit her production. We need to ensure that our second receiving option is a sure-handed player capable of extended drives when called upon. I can think of no better player on the list of wide receivers to fulfill that description than Taro Raimon. Raimon is a speedy, diminutive player whose primary ability is his superb catching skills. He has apparently trained by catching glasses of wine without spilling them and has a Dennis Rodman-like focus on the trajectory of the ball as it travels through the air. Raimon is also quite adept at making one-handed catches, so he should fill in nicely as a possession receiver to help keep our offense moving.
TE Nick L. Back (@'Zoone') Nick L. Back is the ISFL “stage name” for Chad Kroeger, the frontman of (in?)famous rock band Nickelback. I know that this is something of a departure from the power level of our other team members, but I think Back still has a role on this team as a decoy. Nickelback is polarizing. Most people either love or hate the band, so we are going to hope that the Monstars have similar feelings. Ideally, we will have Nickelback perform one of their songs before the game under the guise of it being a “world anthem” and gauge the aliens’ response accordingly. If they enjoy the performance, we might look for Back in 3rd and short situations in case the opponent has any reservations about tackling him. If they hate the performance, he’s likely to be a decoy for the entire game. Admittedly this is a weaker part of the roster, but pretty much all ISFL tight ends are just regular humans that don’t offer much resistance.
OL Manhattan Project (@Modern_Duke) Project is an interesting addition, as it’s bit difficult to tell what form it takes on the field. Project’s render is a mushroom cloud, so I am forced to assume it is a self-contained nuclear explosion that has just occurred. Surely the alien race will understand the implications of coming into close contact with radiation, so they will need to be creative in coming up with ways to rush the passer without physically touching Project. If Project has any way of expanding its radius, we could always attempt a late game Mutually Assured Destruction play and consider the game drawn.
DE Son Goku (@Naosu) Quite reminiscent of the Captain Rogers pick, Goku’s calling card is his ability to effectively fight aliens, always coming up with a winning plan on-the-fly. There is a lot to like here—flight, the ability to shoot energy projectiles at the opposing QB when they are in the pocket, and going Super Saiyan in the second half to offset any Endurance losses. Although Goku won’t be permitted to bring any equipment into the arena, we know that his preparation for the match will be stellar. Expect him to undergo some training in the Hyperbaric Time Chamber prior to this game as well as keeping a Senzu Bean in his locker to keep up the pressure for the entirety of the game.
DT Magnus Rikiya (@Tesla) I am learning that anime characters are very well suited for this contest, and that theme continues with Magnus Rikiya (AKA Rikiya Gao). Like at Tight End, our options are limited here due to the lack of inhuman players. Most players at this position are simply strong humans (or a generic pizza delivery man), but there is a brick wall as well. Rikiya on the other hand does boast preternatural strength, being able to tear metal guardrails in half and stand in the path of traffic and stop vehicles without being hurt. As much as our offense will be focused on being sneaky and finding clever ways to score on the opposition, it looks like our defensive line will try to go toe-to-toe with the aliens and hoping to win the battle at the line of scrimmage.
LB Bender Rodriguez (@shrub02) Another player with an extensive amount of experience in dealing with aliens, Bender has the added bonus of being born approximately one thousand years after most other players in the league and therefore is blessed with advanced technology. One talent of Bender’s we will try to exploit is his seemingly magical chest cavity. Bender is routinely shown removing items from his chest that are far too large for him to accommodate, so we will attempt to hide items that benefit the rest of the team (e.g. Captain America’s shield, Goku’s Dragon Balls) that could give us an advantage (or instant victory) if the refereeing body does not do a thorough job of vetting the players. Even if this subterfuge fails, Bender still has great utility as a “locker room guy” who will constantly berate the referees after a penalty flag is thrown even if his team is obviously at fault.
LB Omni Man (@LimJahey) Omni Man was one of the final additions to my roster. I personally don’t know much about the character or his series, but he seems to check all of the boxes that you would want in a battle—he is incredibly strong, he is incredibly fast, he can fly, and he regenerates quickly to heal from injury. I also see that he can exist in outer space without any protection, so if the alien team struggles in an outdoor stadium perhaps we can demand to play the contest in a neutral setting that works to our advantage. All in all, Omni Man is a well rounded player that seems to be a microcosm of all of the players we have added in other positions.
LB Busch Light (@crow19) Busch Light was the final player added to my roster. In addition to adding to our linebacker depth, I will admit that I feel pretty assured of victory and felt that the team could enjoy a refreshing drink after the conclusion of the game. Unfortunately the best I can provide from the tracker is Busch Light, and Busch Light has not logged on in almost a year so is likely quite stale at this point.
CB Tim Soulja (@Painted) Soulja will be one of the most important members of the defense given his unique special powers. Soulja is the same species as Kirby, and anyone who has played Super Smash Brothers knows that Kirby is able to learn and emulate the powers of any creature that he inhales. We are certainly willing to take any necessary penalties (I assume holding would apply) to learn precisely what powers the Monstars have. Furthermore, Soulja’s ability gives him an extended tackling radius, as he can simply attempt to inhale the running back if he unable to reach him in time. Because of Soulja’s importance to our defensive gameplan, he earns the captain designation for the defense.
S SparkySparky Boom-man (@FleshBagSoup) Sparky Sparky Boom Man is another moniker for Combustion Man, a bounty hunter who has particularly potent firebending abilities. I haven’t watched the entirety of Avatar, but this guy seems pretty OP. He shoots explosions out of his third eye, he is incredibly strong and agile, and he has a metal claw on his hand. In addition to all of this we can infer that he is a very resilient player who will not give up after blowing one coverage assignment as he attempted to assassinate Aang multiple times before he blew himself up. As long as his locker is very away from Manhattan Project, Boom-man should be poised for success.
KP Rainbow Dash (@Peterson) Yes, a free agent kicker! Let’s be honest, we aren’t going to make a field goal in this game. The Monstars will have some strategy to block any field goal attempt as long as they have one player who can fly, and we aren’t planning to punt at all. This frees up our kicker to take on more of a support role, and there are few options better at supporting than Rainbow Dash. Additionally, being a pegasus means that Dash can fly in case we find ourselves needing to run any fake punts or field goals.
With our team composed, what does our strategy look like? I think we feature a lot of trick plays on offense with our invisible QB being split out wide, but in the traditional football sense, we are going to be heavily reliant on the production of Asui at WR, whose powers seem to far outstrip anyone else on offense in terms of football production. On defense, we don’t know what to expect from the alien side and have absolutely no game tape to work with, so we have made the strongest and fastest defense possible until we can accumulate more in-depth knowledge during the first quarter after Soulja copies various offensive players to learn their strengths and weaknesses. We will save the nuclear option until we are mathematically unable to win the game, as we have a disproportionate number of anime characters which will likely give us a higher than average chance of clenching victory when all hope is lost. However, if it is needed, Boom-man and Project are on call and perhaps have even practiced a similar play given their time together on the Colorado Yeti.
If your player is superhuman and didn’t make the list, there is a good chance I am just not familiar with the media that your player is from (or maybe you are still in the DSFL and I didn’t see you on the tracker). If so, I’d be happy to have your player on my team to give the human race an even better chance of surviving what could potentially be the last football game ever played. It’s unfortunate we didn’t have this prompt a few seasons ago, as I feel the roster composition could have been a bit stronger with the additions of Baby Yoda, Videl-San, Prince Vegeta, but I suppose cataclysmic events never arrive when it is most convenient. Anyway, when are we changing the name to Intergalactic Simulation Football League? Thank you for reading, and this was a fun thought experiment!
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