*Turk Turkleton for MVP?

HalfEatenOnionBagel · (This post was last modified: 09-07-2017, 03:39 PM by bovovovo.)

Everyone in the league has heard of Baltimore Hawks Turk Turkleton, one of the most heralded kickers in the league. He’s handsome and dashing and he gets to be on the field quite a bit, making a league high 33 field goals as part of a Baltimore campaign that took them all the way to the Ultimus Game. As the league’s leading scorer for a team that was so close to winning it all, perhaps Tinkleton should be considered the most valuable player in the league. After all, if you're one of the teams in the league with a kicker you can only rely on 2/3 of the time, things can get a little hairy in a close game.

I recently read an article claiming that when you see an article with a question as the title, the answer to that question is almost always “no”. And this article is no exception. In fact, not only is Turkledorf not MVP caliber, he’s fooled you all into think he’s the world’s greatest kicker when he is actually human garbage.

First of all, let’s talk about these field goal attempts, at 37 that’s the most of any kicker in the league. Your job is to make field goals, so just because you got to make more of them than anyone else shouldn’t be applauded, it’s called doing you fucking job. You do nothing to get your team into position to make that kick. Heck, someone else has to hold that ball for you when you kick it. So yes, making the actual kick that takes a little skill, but the fact you made more shouldn’t be a revelation to anyone except maybe your fantasy football owners. And yeah people that still play with kickers in their fantasy leagues you’re on my radar too. It’s 2017, people. 0.5 ppr, superflex, no kickers, no defense get with the times.

Ok now let’s take a look at the kinds of kicks that Tackletun made on the season. 100% from over 50 yards, that’s pretty impressive. I mean that is until you realize it was only three kicks. That’s only 9 points over the whole season. How many of those actually mean anything in the course of a game? When you got Farlane and that defense going, does it really matter? When you look at the field goals in the 40-49 range, that’s where the money is. Those are the game changer kicks, the one’s your team plans to get you in range for in clutch moments. 7/9 ain’t bad, but how are you making all of your kicks from 50+ yards yet can’t nail all of them in this range? Oh was the sun in your eyes that day, or maybe it was too windy, or maybe the truth is Tarkenton is just lazy.

Yeah that’s right, big 50 yard kick that doesn’t matter? Boom come up and nail it, everybody loves me, yes look at me big kicker yes yes. 40 yard kick in a big situation? Eh this one isn’t going to break any records so doesn’t really matter, oops I missed guess you will have to rely on me in overtime. That’s right, Turk Targaryen has pulled the wool over your eyes, he has manipulated you. What’s worse than someone with no talent is someone with talent who chooses to abuse it.

And don’t even get me started on his performance in the Ultimus Game, absolutely pathetic. You claim to be the best kicker in the league and then you get shown up by a real Futbol player, Ronaldo. I mean that guy carried the Outlaws in the Ultimus, making 5 field goals! Ultimus MVP right there. Seriously that’s some Greg Jennings with a broken leg put the team on your back shit right there. And in a big spot, Tankleton just couldn’t go toe to toe with Ronaldo, only making two field goals and not even making a single extra point.

Finally, and you know this is a big one for me, that name. I mean seriously, Turk Turkleton, that’s not a football name. And who was the genius that came up with that name even? “Mrs. Turkleton, congratulations on your baby boy, what do you plan to name him?” “Umm, uhh, Turk?” Seriously man, yo momma’s intelligence attribute must be so low, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Or was it your dad, cause in that case he must be the guy that came up with the Hot Pockets jingle: “Hot Pockets”.

If I haven’t convinced you by now, then perhaps you’re just brainwashed by volume stats like field goals made. And don’t get it twisted, I respect the kicker position. Go watch Booter or Harris, those are some kickers that put their heart and soul into the game and I hope you voted from them over Turkeytrot in the Pro Bowl. But, it’s pretty clear that the Turk Tuscaloosa you know is a façade. Maybe he is talented, but he’s not the greatest kicker the league has ever seen. He just gets to kick a lot cause he happens to be attached to a good offense, he only tries half the time and when he really gets thrust into the spotlight he completely falls apart.

((858 words, ready for grading))

This article written as a request by @Raven: