After polite constructive criticism by @RedCydranth that my articles should be more analytical in scope, I have resolved to be more objective and bring the fire of football knowledge to the people. Without greater delay, I will present my predictions for the Wraiths preseason.
Week 1: Philadelphia Liberty
@ Yellowknife Wraiths 
The Bells are bringing their cheese steak-eating asses up to Yellowknife for the preseason opener. While temperatures are expected to be close to 5 degrees Celsius (for capitalist pig Americans, that's 41 degrees Fahrenheit), the natural insulation provided by being a typical fat Philadelphian will serve the Liberty well. They picked up Clifford "The Big Red Dog" Rove in the draft, perhaps to corner the playing card market on terrible Liberty quarterbacks. Not a bad investment strategy if you ask me. Can Rove do what Liberty QB Jameis Christ failed to do and resurrect the impotent Philly offense? Not with newly converted Defensive End Ricky "the DE stands for DEez Nuts" Maddox delivering more sacks to his chin than a bukkake party. Even elitist assbag RedCydranth gave this pick a D in his lame ass unfunny draft grading. Can the acquisition of dog whisperer Cesar Millan in the 17th overall pick improve the Liberty offensive line? Definitely possible, Millan is well known for encouraging obedience from bitches.
Predicted score: PHI 0 - YKW 35
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Week 2: Yellowknife Wraiths @ San Jose Sabercats 
Following their pulling a Cesar Millan and screwing the pooch by drafting a kicker in the first round, San Jose will be trying desperately to avoid eclipsing the Sharks in being the most embarrassing sports franchise in the city. Indeed the Sabercats are like a solar eclipse, if you look directly at their poor excuse for football you stand to lose your vision. After taking a peek at the San Jose cheerleading squad, this may not be a bad thing. While widely regarded as one of the worst two teams in the league by their own players, will the dream of winning more than 2 games this year be their catnip? If they are relying on Don Imus wannabe (without the controversy or the personality) @Sweetwater to be the cat's meow, that dog won't hunt. In the interest of maintaining positive relations between our teams, I'll throw Blewitt a charity field goal. It'll certainly be more quality production than anything going for the poor souls stranded on Bayley Island.
![[Image: c48GAHG.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/c48GAHG.jpg)
Predicted score: YKW 42 - SJS 3
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Week 3: Las Vegas Legion
@ Yellowknife Wraiths
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. By mighty, I mean always terrible, and by fallen, I mean remained terrible. While the Legion made the absolutely most brilliant waiver pickup of space and time when they signed future pro bowl offensive lineman Francois Lamoreux for the ass end of Season 2, leading to a dramatic defeat of the Colorado Sasquatches to knock them out of playoff contention, this is where their good fortune ended. After deposing Caesar and exiling him to the Liberty, (Ramrod? More like Nimrod, am I right?) Legate Lanius has taken up the mantle in driving the team further into the ground. I can't even assess the Legion's draft picks since I've never seen activity from anyone they picked up. If they went inactive before the draft then they dodged a bullet and deftly avoided the pain and misery of playing for the Legion. Universally acclaimed as the worst team in the league, the Legion have successfully lobbied against a promotion and relegation system being implemented, lest they be supplanted by the far superior Tijuana Luchadores. Fortunately for new Legion boss Ardie Savea, he has received his league pay in plenty of time to acquire a top tier fiddle to play while Las Vegas burns. Savea found the Las Vegas a city of stone. Will he leave it a city of marble? Perhaps marble cheese, aided by the fact that the Legion locker room already has the stench of sour milk.
Predicted score: LVL 0 - YKW 63
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Week 4: Yellowknife Wraiths @ Orange County Otters 
Unlike in RedCyranth's uninspired draft assessment, I give the Otters credit for avoiding the walking cancer cell Ricardo Sandoval. Unfortunately the credit ends there since they wasted their pick on Julian O'Sullivan. I think Orange County has a chance this season since they removed some of their terrible management (all hilarious commentary that was going to go here about the management change has been redacted to avoid having to read a boring wall of text with a gif of an ugly girl about how I hurt someone's feelings). If you double your potential through a management coup but it started at zero, where does that get you? Someone more skilled at math (paging @kcheng686!) will have to help me out. How long until Orange County's draft picks inevitably retire after one season? If I had to deal with the human ebola that is the Otters roster I'd probably ragequit too.
Predicted score: Wraiths win by forfeit due to Orange County being unable to field a full team following the retirement of most of their players
--
Analysis: It is looking like a great preseason for the Yellowknife Wraiths, who I am predicting will go 4-0 en route to an championship season. The real story this preseason however is how long it will be until RedCydranth steals yet another brilliant idea from me for one of his dull as dishwater articles? Time will tell. It is sad that the Outlaws, Yeti, and Hawks will not get the opportunity to face the premier team in the league until the regular season, but this gives them time to get their finances in order. Be sure to pay your tuition because you will get schooled. Renew your health insurance for we will be putting on a clinic. Your cities will be left in states of disaster, disorder, disarray, and devastation after the wanton carnage inflicted by the glorious spookyghosts. See you on the field, noobs.
1,051 expertly predicted words
GRADED
Week 1: Philadelphia Liberty
@ Yellowknife Wraiths The Bells are bringing their cheese steak-eating asses up to Yellowknife for the preseason opener. While temperatures are expected to be close to 5 degrees Celsius (for capitalist pig Americans, that's 41 degrees Fahrenheit), the natural insulation provided by being a typical fat Philadelphian will serve the Liberty well. They picked up Clifford "The Big Red Dog" Rove in the draft, perhaps to corner the playing card market on terrible Liberty quarterbacks. Not a bad investment strategy if you ask me. Can Rove do what Liberty QB Jameis Christ failed to do and resurrect the impotent Philly offense? Not with newly converted Defensive End Ricky "the DE stands for DEez Nuts" Maddox delivering more sacks to his chin than a bukkake party. Even elitist assbag RedCydranth gave this pick a D in his lame ass unfunny draft grading. Can the acquisition of dog whisperer Cesar Millan in the 17th overall pick improve the Liberty offensive line? Definitely possible, Millan is well known for encouraging obedience from bitches.
[img src=\\\"https://www.biography.com/.image/t_share/MTMyNzc1NTc4MTA4NDM5MTcx/cesarmillan_206jpg.jpg\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
Cesar Millan trying teach the old Liberty offensive line new tricks
Predicted score: PHI 0 - YKW 35
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Week 2: Yellowknife Wraiths
@ San Jose Sabercats Following their pulling a Cesar Millan and screwing the pooch by drafting a kicker in the first round, San Jose will be trying desperately to avoid eclipsing the Sharks in being the most embarrassing sports franchise in the city. Indeed the Sabercats are like a solar eclipse, if you look directly at their poor excuse for football you stand to lose your vision. After taking a peek at the San Jose cheerleading squad, this may not be a bad thing. While widely regarded as one of the worst two teams in the league by their own players, will the dream of winning more than 2 games this year be their catnip? If they are relying on Don Imus wannabe (without the controversy or the personality) @Sweetwater to be the cat's meow, that dog won't hunt. In the interest of maintaining positive relations between our teams, I'll throw Blewitt a charity field goal. It'll certainly be more quality production than anything going for the poor souls stranded on Bayley Island.
Posters found hanging outside San Jose opium dens
Predicted score: YKW 42 - SJS 3
--
Week 3: Las Vegas Legion
@ Yellowknife Wraiths Oh, how the mighty have fallen. By mighty, I mean always terrible, and by fallen, I mean remained terrible. While the Legion made the absolutely most brilliant waiver pickup of space and time when they signed future pro bowl offensive lineman Francois Lamoreux for the ass end of Season 2, leading to a dramatic defeat of the Colorado Sasquatches to knock them out of playoff contention, this is where their good fortune ended. After deposing Caesar and exiling him to the Liberty, (Ramrod? More like Nimrod, am I right?) Legate Lanius has taken up the mantle in driving the team further into the ground. I can't even assess the Legion's draft picks since I've never seen activity from anyone they picked up. If they went inactive before the draft then they dodged a bullet and deftly avoided the pain and misery of playing for the Legion. Universally acclaimed as the worst team in the league, the Legion have successfully lobbied against a promotion and relegation system being implemented, lest they be supplanted by the far superior Tijuana Luchadores. Fortunately for new Legion boss Ardie Savea, he has received his league pay in plenty of time to acquire a top tier fiddle to play while Las Vegas burns. Savea found the Las Vegas a city of stone. Will he leave it a city of marble? Perhaps marble cheese, aided by the fact that the Legion locker room already has the stench of sour milk.
[img src=\\\"http://www.duluthnewstribune.com/sites/default/files/styles/16x9_620/public/field/image/kucheraPANCAKE0508c3.jpg\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
The Yellowknife offensive line delivering tasty pancakes to hungry Legion defenders
Predicted score: LVL 0 - YKW 63
--
Week 4: Yellowknife Wraiths
@ Orange County Otters Unlike in RedCyranth's uninspired draft assessment, I give the Otters credit for avoiding the walking cancer cell Ricardo Sandoval. Unfortunately the credit ends there since they wasted their pick on Julian O'Sullivan. I think Orange County has a chance this season since they removed some of their terrible management (all hilarious commentary that was going to go here about the management change has been redacted to avoid having to read a boring wall of text with a gif of an ugly girl about how I hurt someone's feelings). If you double your potential through a management coup but it started at zero, where does that get you? Someone more skilled at math (paging @kcheng686!) will have to help me out. How long until Orange County's draft picks inevitably retire after one season? If I had to deal with the human ebola that is the Otters roster I'd probably ragequit too.
[img src=\\\"http://images.amcnetworks.com/ifc.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/100512-matthew-lillard2.jpg\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
Otters management trying to determine whether this picture is insulting them or not
Predicted score: Wraiths win by forfeit due to Orange County being unable to field a full team following the retirement of most of their players
--
Analysis: It is looking like a great preseason for the Yellowknife Wraiths, who I am predicting will go 4-0 en route to an championship season. The real story this preseason however is how long it will be until RedCydranth steals yet another brilliant idea from me for one of his dull as dishwater articles? Time will tell. It is sad that the Outlaws, Yeti, and Hawks will not get the opportunity to face the premier team in the league until the regular season, but this gives them time to get their finances in order. Be sure to pay your tuition because you will get schooled. Renew your health insurance for we will be putting on a clinic. Your cities will be left in states of disaster, disorder, disarray, and devastation after the wanton carnage inflicted by the glorious spookyghosts. See you on the field, noobs.
1,051 expertly predicted words
GRADED
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Jurisprudence Jones, OL ![[Image: cYhSwFY.png]](https://i.imgur.com/cYhSwFY.png)
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