*New Orleans Scandal Line

[Beaver]

Code:

1212 words

Less than 24 hours after completing their first winning season in franchise history the New Orleans Second Line have been rocked by a series of allegations that have shed some light on the trade that sent young star safety Jaylon Broxton to Orange County. What was once seen as a trade to shore up a position of weakness by dealing a position of strength now has been revealed as nothing more than a petty locker room squabble.

Cult. That's the word that was most often given to our reporters when former New Orleans players were asked to describe the locker room. Before each game the team gathers at a shrine to a mysterious entity called "Bovo" that quarterback Borkus Maximus III feels is responsible for his development into a great player and the team takes turns making offerings to Bovo before doing some group chanting and silent meditation. The players themselves dismiss it as silly superstition in public and refer to it as the "Church of Bovosexualism" but behind closed doors it's anything but silly.

Like all cults the Church of Bovosexualism has a strict hierarchy. At the top is Borkus Maximus III as well as his longtime friend, business partner, and co-author Schmalex Schmuerrero. Schmuerrero, of course, has been in the news recently for his "alternative" medicine clinics. It is in these clinics that Schmuerrero leads more formal celebrations to Bovo and thanks to anonymous sources we have gained a glimpse into those rituals.


Schmalex Schmuerrero tailgating before the Second Line's Week 7 game against Colorado, they would win 38-19

It's a dark, smoky, windowless room about 25' by 25' with tapestries covering the walls. In the center of the room is a small bowl for a fire - the only light during these rituals - which is surrounded by several large bean bag chairs. Borkus and Schmuerrero sit on purple bean bags next to each other at what is considered the "head" of the circle. To the right of Borkus is a teal bean bag and to the left of Schmuerrero are 3 yellow bean bags. The rest are all maroon. Within this cult the color of your bean bag is everything, it is your worth in the eyes of Bovo and while none dare challenge for one of the purple bean bags, the title of High Shaman of Bovo and its accompanying teal bean bag is very much in demand. The High Shaman assists Borkus and Schmuerrero in carrying out the rituals and gets various preferential treatment ranging from getting first choice in seating for the team's many Office marathons to showering with Borkus after games all while commanding immense respect. Terrell Brister had been the most recent High Shaman but as he slowly eased his way out of the cult the teal bean bag sat conspicuously empty.



The three yellow bean bags are for the cult's "Lolitas" which are essentially rank and file members ("Yetis" in cult parlance, referring to their lowly existence) rewarded for their dutiful worship of Bovo and who are groomed to be future leaders of the cult. At the beginning of this season those three were Blackford Oakes, Jaylon Broxton, and Ardie Savea - only one of which could replace Brister in the teal bean bag. Oakes was reportedly unhappy when Brister was chosen to be High Shaman as he felt his longer tenure with the team should afford him more deference and was confident that he would be chosen, talking about it openly with teammates. Broxton stayed quiet, not challenging him but also secure in his own standing.

One day after practice, Oakes visited the clinic to get some treatment for his legs which had been feeling tight that day. Inside, he overheard Schmuerrero and Borkus talking about the High Shaman and their concerns about Oakes' sense of entitlement and arrogance. Their talk concluded with both in agreement that Broxton would likely be the next High Shaman. Oakes was furious and resolved that he wouldn't allow another new player to take his rightful bean bag chair. Over the next 72 hours he set his plan in motion.

The next day Oakes dropped in unannounced at Broxton's house and the two watched some television. By the time Oakes left 3 or 4 hours later he had created 69 fake twitter and instagram accounts and had begun spamming Borkus' accounts with things he knew Borkus was self-conscious about, such as his cancelled engagement to Terrell Brister, his hairy feet, and his tendency to throw the football to the wrong team when he's on the field. It took more than 24 hours but eventually he was able to wear Borkus down and got a few angry responses.

That night he sent Borkus a text message asking if he thought Broxton had been acting oddly recently. Borkus said he hadn't and Oakes followed it up by saying that Broxton had been ranting and raving about Borkus and Schmuerrero's incompetence in being so slow to fill the High Shaman position. After planting that seed he returned to his burner accounts and resumed flaming Borkus.

On the third day of this all-out assault on Borkus, Oakes "let slip" some information in his flames that only a teammate and dedicated member of the cult would know: the collection of moles on his left buttock that are arranged in a smiley face. After Borkus responded to the posts, Oakes deleted them and ceased all flaming to make the slip seem accidental. This had the exact effect Oakes intended as Borkus was now sure that Broxton was behind the accounts because he was unhappy with not being named High Shaman yet. That night Borkus contacted management and demanded Broxton be traded, presenting the burner accounts which he had linked to Broxton's internet as evidence.

12 hours later Broxton was sent to Orange County, never getting an opportunity to defend himself.


Broxton posted this wistful photograph from his flight to Orange County, it was captioned "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life."

So now, as the season draws to a close, Oakes has been anointed High Shaman and enjoys his newfound power within the cult, often making Yetis retrieve beer for him and having them clean his house. This whacky story is too weird, too bizarre to be real and yet multiple sources close to Broxton have confirmed that discovered this soon after the trade but has kept it quiet to avoid discord in the cult. These sources also say that Broxton assembled a mountain of evidence against Oakes, including video clips of him saying negative things about The Office - a capital crime in the cult, in the immediate aftermath but never exacted his revenge. "What's done is done, [he] just wants to move on and he knows that this coming to light would hurt Borkus, someone he still has immense respect for and cares about deeply, and wouldn't bring him back to New Orleans," one source told me.

This story should add another dimension as the two teams and the two former teammates prepare to face each other in the playoffs this week. To stay informed as this story develops be sure to stay tuned to BNN, the worldwide leader in factual, unbiased reporting.