2) Holiday Bowl
If the big salami had his way, every day would be a holiday. Of course for the holiday ultimus you gotta deck the f**** halls. What does that mean? Well bells and holly everwhere of course. Bushes of holly on the field everywhere. Yeah their spikey, but we are grown ass humans playing a tough sport. If you can't take some spikes then you don't deserve to play. And bells? Well obviously Tony likes to ring other players bells on every play but for this one we are literally talking bells attached to the ball. This way everyone knows where the ball is at any given time. You might be saying, its hard to through the ball with bells hanging off of it. Well how about putting the bells inside you nincampoop. You might as well make the qb dress like Santa too. Nothing like putting a big red target in the middle of the field, might make it hard for us yeti but we don't care. Winner gets a big bowl of the Gabagool family traditional Christmas Spaghett and meatballs. You don't like it, get outta here. And a big american apple pie with a slice of cheddah cheese for dessert. Maybe a cannoli if you shut out the opponent. Sounds like a holiday to me.
5) Offseason Needs
What do the Yeti need this offseason? Good question. Probably more TPE. That would be my guess. I think that besides the normal stuff we need a few things that are outside the box if we are going to finally get that ultimus that has evaded us for so long. Number 1, a team train. Yeah I know, other teams have planes and busses and shit, but listen, a train is cooler. It has a meal cart, and a bar cart. So we can fill up on the way to the game, and get sloshed after we win. And bonding on a train is so much better than on a plane or bus. We can also run up and down the cars to stretch our legs. No other team will have that. Number 2, we NEED to get unlimited pasta passes from Olive Garden. Now gabagool knows his italian food and OG is pretty mediocre but unlimited pasta means unlimeted carbs and unlimted bulking up. A bulky team wins championships. Don't tell me otherwise. And we can take those breadsticks to go. Oh even better, just throw an OG on a train and we will be set. Last but not least, number 3. Strippers.
10) Commissioner
Alright guys, this is where Gabagool will shine as commish. There are so many changes that this league needs. #1 A lottery for no regression. Every year there is a lottery for one player to get no regression. This league needs superstars, and while leveling the playing field makes it fair in general, a lottery for superstardom is also fair. The lottery would last for 10 years, with no team being allowed more than one superstar at any given time. This would level the playing field to a certain extent. If the superstar goes IA, that team will be re entered into the lottery. We need a Tom Brady or Joe Montana or Tim Tebow, and right now we ain't got it. #2 More women. We got a few here, but the gender imbalance is just out of whack. So if Tony became commish he would change recruiting strategies to target places on reddit that women frequent, such as r/goomah, r/jerseyshore, r/snookie, and r/cosmo. That way we get the gender imbalance fixed up right away. Those are just a couple ways Tony would chage the way things are done around here, if you want more, vote Gabagool for commish 2020.
20) Ultimus Ad
Colorado Yeti: Dissapointing their fans since the start
The only non expansion team to not win an ultimus. Their fans are more devoted than Browns or Lions fans, and at least the Browns have a rich history pre-superbowl era. The ad focuses on the Yeti Superfan Colorado Pete.P ete is a stoner snowboarder that loves watching his Yeti get massaced every Sunday during Apres bevvies after a long day on the slope. "Ya know bro after shredding the pow out there its nice to be with some babes and watch the yeti get shitcanned" Pete says rocking his brand new Mo Berry jersey. "I don't understand the rules really and it would be nice for them to win but as long as this bodacious blonde gives me a blowie behind the bar tonight that's all I really care about." Pete loves football, pow, weed, sex, and blow and he is really the spitting picture of the average Yeti fan. "I got this Berry jeresy from a thrift shop for five bucks and just thought it goes with my gear" says Pete, " I don't really understand or like football to be honest."
It is certainly a sad state of affairs for Yeti fandom in the state of Colorado. But these fans are as commited and dedicated as they were on day 1.
![[Image: HwEacwC.png]](https://i.imgur.com/HwEacwC.png)
