(S24) - Ultimus Week

[dahayn]

5) Write 800 words or more on something that interests you.

I would like to take this moment to recognize a man that many have seen before but not many have taken the time to get to know. This man's name is Mr. Billy Joe Bob Knutesen. He likes to go by Joe Bob because, and I quote "most of these kids now days have brains the size that could fit into my whiskey shot glass comfortably and can't remember my full name". Joe Bob has worked for the Colorado Yeti organization from its inception back when the league was started. He was one of the first employees hired in 2016 by then-GM and team founder, InciteHysteria, to be the equipment manager. Joe Bob has since his hiring held many other unofficial jobs on the team but he still retains the official title of equipment manager to this very day. The mostly tragic history of this team is written in the lines of Joe Bob's face but every time you see him, he will have his trademark smile on and wish you a beautiful day. He is ever hopeful and always dependable. That's the kind of man he is and that's the kind of man this team has always needed.

The first time I met Joe Bob was after my first practice with the team. I had just arrived from the shores of Myrtle Beach and was struggling with the playbook. It was getting late. Most of the team had already left the facilities and I was alone, sitting in my locker, trying to absorb concepts and verbiage that I wasn't familiar with so the next day's practice would go better than my first. An older gentleman shuffled into the locker room and started gathering the bins that held our dirty jerseys and towels. He was making a bit of noise and I was already frustrated with my performance and how hard it was to memorize the playbook so I might have snapped at him a little bit to keep the noise down so I could keep studying. It got real quiet for about 30 seconds while he just stared at me so I went back to my playbook happy for the silence. The next thing I know, I'm being pelted with dirty ass-sweat towels and half-full water bottles while the older man was yelling at me and cursing up a storm. He was not happy. I thought about getting mad at first but this guy was old like my grandpa so all I could do was to take cover behind my playbook while apologizing the whole time and wait until he ran out of ammunition. After what seemed like hours, he stopped throwing things and stormed out of the locker room. I didn't know what to do but the room was a mess and I really was sorry I snapped at the old fella as I did so I started picking things up and putting them back in the bins. About 10 minutes later the man came back in and informed me that I need to learn to respect my elders while helping me finish cleaning up the room. I apologized again and explained to him why I was so frustrated and that it accidentally manifested by me acting stupidly toward him. He said he understood and we officially introduced ourselves to each other.

Joe Bob asked me what was so hard about the playbook? Why was I not understanding what I needed to do? I explained to him about how the coaches wanted me to not only understand what I was supposed to do but they wanted me to know what the defense would do to try to stop me. As a DSFL wide receiver, I had 3 jobs. Get off the line, run fast, and catch the ball. That was easy. Now I have to count steps, remember routes, run block, and still catch the damn ball. Also I need to know what the defense is going to do so that when they get in my way I can counter their counters.  Joe Bob just started laughing at me. He asked me who I thought was the best WR to ever come out of this franchise was. I said, "James Bishop. I missed playing with him by just one year. Before he retired, he had 11469 yards, almost 700 catches, and 73 touchdowns." Joe Bob nodded his head.
"That's right, and you know what? He sat here in this locker room just like you after his first practice all pissed off because he had trouble as well.". Joe Bob looked me in the eye and said, "and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him." He picked up my playbook and tossed it in the trash bin. "You don't need that to win. All you need is speed boy. Speed is king. You know where you need to go to get points and you're going to be covered by 1 or 2 guys. Get there faster than everyone else and it all works itself out in the end."

"Joe Bob, if that's what James Bishop did, then I'll give it a try." I felt hopeful for the first time that day.

"Oh no, James learned his playbook and was fast. Maybe you might need a couple of things in that book. You better get it out of the trash before your coaches think you quit the team. But don't worry about it so much. None of this stuff really matters. It's all a simulation. Digital words and dots on a computer screen. Turtles on turtles on turtles."

I laughed as I fished my playbook out of the trash and thought about what he said. Speed kinda makes sense but that last part was super weird. Maybe he's crazy? I don't know." OK Joe Bob, I'm going home. Thanks for your help and stuff. Have a good night".