Offseason Point Task - 25th Anniversary Special

[Slothman07]

What the ISFL means to me

by Dorothy Zbornak

How can I put into words what the league means to me? How can I convey the plethora of ways in which it has changed me life? Like this: I love playing professional football because A. I’m rich now, and B. I’m super rich now. Seriously, why did I ever bother trying to be a substitute teacher? What was the point of that English Major?

I primarily mean that I am now monetarily rich. Financially rich. Rolling in dough. My fat stacks are so fat that when they sit around the house, the sit AROUND the house. But I’ve also become rich in other ways; I’ve met some wonderfully entertaining, strapping young lads, like Juan Domine and David Rector. Yes, their brains are the size of walnuts and they wouldn’t know Chaucer from Charmander, but you’ll never meet a friendlier lump of muscle, teeth, and fabulous hair. What I’m trying to say is that playing in the ISFL has made me rich in friends, rich in family, and DEFINITELY rich in money. Also pretty comfortable in stock options.

To be perfectly honest, I was at a pretty low point before I found the league. That pig Stan had just left me for a flight attendant with an IQ lower than a groundhog’s gonads, which left me without a husband, without a job, and without a home. The day I stepped into the London Royals locker room, I knew that I was going to make it after all. The Royals, the Pythons, the Liberty, and now the Second Line have all welcomed me with open arms and dank cheesecakes, and it means the world to me.

What does the future hold?

In the words of ambient music superstar Enya, who can say? I mean, its a certainty that the Second Line will dominate the coming season, and when we go undefeated the team will be obligated, as stipulated in my contract, to rename itself the New Orleans Jazz Bois. And I suppose it is fairly likely that I will lead the league in tackles for loss, setting new records for the number of sack lunches I bring to the table. The league administration finally ruled that my horse-lung transplant is legal. I might get a cat. But beyond that, anything is possible, and I think that’s what truly makes this league an incredible way to meet and stay in touch with friends.

All I know is: I hope there’s cheesecake.