1. How many lips does a flower have?
Tu-lips.
2. How does a squid go into battle?
Well armed.
3. What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A slipper.
4. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
5. What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
6. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
7. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
Close the door, I’m dressing.
8. What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking?
A nervous wreck.
9. How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
10. What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
The trom-bone.
11. What disease do you get when you put up the Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus.
12. How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
13. What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.
14. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
15. I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait for his face to light up when he opens it.
16. Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
17. How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
18. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
19. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
20. Why is corn such a good listener?
Because it’s all ears.
21. What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
22. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. What did the first plate say to the second plate?
Dinner’s on me.
25. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
26. Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he’s always lion.
27. When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a street.
28. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator.
29. Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
30. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
31. Why is there a wall around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
32. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
33. Why could the bee not hear what people were saying?
He had wax in his ears.
34. What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.
35. It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at school tomorrow.
I’m dreading it.
36. How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down a mountain.
37. What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
You’re looking sharp.
38. What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
39. What’s a didgeridoo?
Whatever it wants to.
40. Did you hear about the sensitive burglar.
He takes things personally.
41. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
42. How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
Hide the spade.
43. An Italian chef has died.
He pasta way.
44. What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Cashew.
45. Why did Santa study music at college?
To improve his rapping skills.
46. How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
47. How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
48. What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080pee.
49. What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-astrophe.
50. Why shouldn’t you play cards on the savannah?
Because of all the cheetahs.
Tu-lips.
2. How does a squid go into battle?
Well armed.
3. What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A slipper.
4. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
5. What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
6. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
7. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?
Close the door, I’m dressing.
8. What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking?
A nervous wreck.
9. How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
10. What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
The trom-bone.
11. What disease do you get when you put up the Christmas decorations?
Tinselitus.
12. How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
13. What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.
14. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
15. I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait for his face to light up when he opens it.
16. Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
17. How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
18. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
19. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
20. Why is corn such a good listener?
Because it’s all ears.
21. What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
22. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. What did the first plate say to the second plate?
Dinner’s on me.
25. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
26. Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he’s always lion.
27. When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a street.
28. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator.
29. Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring.
30. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
31. Why is there a wall around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
32. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
33. Why could the bee not hear what people were saying?
He had wax in his ears.
34. What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.
35. It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at school tomorrow.
I’m dreading it.
36. How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down a mountain.
37. What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
You’re looking sharp.
38. What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
39. What’s a didgeridoo?
Whatever it wants to.
40. Did you hear about the sensitive burglar.
He takes things personally.
41. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
42. How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
Hide the spade.
43. An Italian chef has died.
He pasta way.
44. What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Cashew.
45. Why did Santa study music at college?
To improve his rapping skills.
46. How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
47. How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
48. What do you call crystal clear urine?
1080pee.
49. What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-astrophe.
50. Why shouldn’t you play cards on the savannah?
Because of all the cheetahs.
