S2 - Ultimus Week

[cosbornballboy]

Offensive Comparison: Mike Boss, starting Quarterback for the Orange County Otters, will be facing off against Arizona Outlaws, who feature the Quarterback King Bronko. This one has been hyped up so much, folks, as many people have said that the Otters may be the team best equipped to defeat the Arizona Outlaws. Let's look at the breakdown of the two QBs. Boss, with an 81.7 quarterback rating, is just ahead of Bronko, with 77.1 QBR. This is almost a minuscule difference and it shows how closely matched these two competitors really are. Furthermore, looking at interceptions, Boss has thrown 16 and Bronko has thrown only 15 interceptions. Once AGAIN, we see little difference between these quarterbacks. Completion percentage? Boss has 60%, Bronko has 55%. Touchdowns? Boss has 21, Bronko has 25. Yardage is a little more separated, but not much, with Bronko at 3,130 yards, and Boss at 3,609. Maybe the only difference is their rushing abilities, where Bronko averages 2.5 yards per carry, and Boss has -0.1 yards per carry. Now, no matter what the situation or the outcome in the game is, I can personally guarantee, and I mean GUARANTEE you, that the QB stats will be almost impossible to differentiate in terms of which stat line is who's. (209 Words)

Bottom Half: Today, let's take a look at the downfall of the Las Vegas Legion, and the cracking of the Philadelphia Liberty. These two teams were generally regarded as the teams that were supposed to be the laughingstock, the butts, the bottom, the shitholes, whatever you want to call it, of the NSFL. And that prediction was right. For the Legion. Ho-oly shit, were they bad. The Legion went 3-11, and that was a surprise. There was little upside in their season, but there was upside, which came in the form of 2 of their 3 wins coming in the form of away victory steals, including one steal in Colorado against the Yeti, which really shook up the playoff picture. Now, let's look at the Liberty. OH MY GO- actually, they weren't all that bad. All things considered, them being an expansion team, having to start at such a disadvantage in TPE totals, 5-9 isn't terrible. They may have a long-term QB in Jameis Christ, Omar Wright wasn't complete trash, and Fox North was fantastic. Huh. Good shit, Liberty. I think here, in these two expansion teams, we see the disparity that can occur when one expansion team is run by a dedicated GM and a smart GM, and one is run by a sociopath that gave up a 1st overall pick, then turned the team over to some poor chump that has to deal with the mess. (236 words)

Future Talent: You thought I was gonna talk about Boggs? Blewitt? Myself? Someone of importance? Fuck yourself, cause today we're talking about Mark Strike. This could've also probably qualified for my Bold Predictions PT, but fuck it, we're doing this now. Numbers? Statistics? Fuck yourself again because numbers are for fucking nerds. Real men use their guts, you fairy. I have a great feeling that, even though there's a 100% chance he'll be a bust and be total shit, there's always that 0% chance he may be great... Oh, shit. Wait. Like I said, numbers are for neeerrddss. Who needs numbers when you've got a kid with the arm of Denard Robinson, the legs of Tom Brady, the intelligence of Junior Seau (after his retirement), and the discipline of a post-draft Ryan Leaf. Numbers don't matter, go with your gut, Mr. Dwyer. Take this man 1st overall. The Outlaws need someone hampering them, anyway. You think it's fun having you guys win all the time? It isn't, so do us a favor and make the wrong pick. I promise you'll regret it. Just like Mark Strike will regret being a QB after I get done with him. Mark Strike, fuck yourself. (200 words)