So with the many numerous drafts just around the corner teams are scrambling to deal with the upcoming fallout. Well..okay some of them are super prepared and shit but still. Who gives a hot shit that Baltimore has 28 active DSFL players? Fuck you that's not interesting. People have looked into the expansion draft (with.....somewhat questionable results). people have gone over the NSFL Draft (I've yet to see an Austin draft board that's even 25% correct). Generally, people have tried to use logic and foresight and planning and put themselves out there and gotten things really wrong a ton. I for one have voiced the shit out of my opinions about how bad a job they've done. So, in the interest of fairness, Imma put MY ass out there (how ya doin') and I'm gonna go through rosters and tell you who is likely to retire at end of season. A fact that will affect how these drafts will go as teams will need new players to fill old slots. My methodology is looking up who's old (anything S12 and beyond) and seeing what their updates look like while ignoring IA players and people who are unlikely to actually retire or have already done so. A clearly flawless system Let's go through it and let's also keep in mind that S23 already has over 40 approved players and we haven't even reached the Conference title game, let alone the Ultimus. For a handy guide, let's look at how much TPE each seaosn will be losing so you have an idea what that TPE level would look like after regression swings her mighty hammer of "fuck you".
S12- 40%
S11- 50%
S10- 60%
S9- What the fuck is wrong with you?
BALTIMORE HAWKS
D'pez Poopsie
S10
DE
633 TPE
Why wouldn't he retire at season's end? He just got a new GM gig in Chicago and his player is more dead than not. Keeping this player means his team has to use a slot on him and even if he did, he's pretty much done next season anyway. Now, that's said, still having 600+ TPE right now is a pretty damn fine achievement. He may or may not actually be the oldest active in the league based on me seeing somebody say that there are no people left with single digit season numbers. There is absolutely zero reason he should be trying to extend this the one extra season he could get from it. Chicago doesn't need him like that. It need him fresh and moving forward to his next multi time Pro bowl player.
Xandra Troyski
S10
CB
297 TPE
Well, another S10 player, and this one is a lock. Regression will auto-retire Troyski at the end of the season so there isn't even another season waiting in the wings for the active Updater. Boom. Expect to see something from her soon.
Kulture Future
S11
K/P
337 TPE
Will just escape auto-retirement, but now's kinda the perfect time to just bite the bullet. His legacy as potentially the best ever at K/P is secure. There's nothing to be gained from hanging on and going into next season with 165 or so TPE (give or take based on end of season stuff). This is the moment to make it happen. Hell, I'd argue it should have happened at trade deadline but hey. Who the fuck am I to question the greatest kicker in the league history? Still, put the smart money on retirement here. Keep the dumb money to yourself.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
Danny Grithead
S10
S
538 TPE
Regression is going to eat him so hard that he can't hope to manage getting in an extra seaosn anyway. He would if he could of course. His goal of being all time tackles leader is well known. However, once regression hits, he'll be left with absolutely no path to get anywhere near the 600 TPE that would be required of him to make it to S23. Therefore, he will retire at the end of this year and hope to get the final 87 tackles needed to break the record during his final year. Unfortunately for him, teammate Alex Selich is only a handful of tackles behind him, a year younger, and fully capable of surviving two seasons instead of one. Danny Grithead is going to fail unless he somehow not only adds 87 tackles next year (relatively likely) but also convinces Selich to not chase the same goal (questionable). Sounds like he has a barebones chance.
AUSTIN COPPERHEADS
Grayson Kuusela
S12
DE
326 TPE
Another player who will simply not be able to survive an extra season anyway. He COULD theoretically push hard in S22 and make the 100ish TPE required to avoid auto-retirement, but that's not really his thing. the former DLOTY and winner of the random feud vs Sermo will ride off into the sunset and prep his next great halfassed character. Mama there goes that man.
There you have it. A somewhat shorter than I expected list of active players likely to retire based on being old, unable to go on, and just generally seeing the time is right. Which also means you should expect each of them to add a brand new DSFL player to the existing pool within the next week. So not only do these situation affect the upcoming draft in the NSFL, but DSFL GMs should bee keeping any eye out as well as they look to the ever growing class.
You see that Joe? Pay me like I'm George.
S12- 40%
S11- 50%
S10- 60%
S9- What the fuck is wrong with you?
BALTIMORE HAWKS
D'pez Poopsie
S10
DE
633 TPE
Why wouldn't he retire at season's end? He just got a new GM gig in Chicago and his player is more dead than not. Keeping this player means his team has to use a slot on him and even if he did, he's pretty much done next season anyway. Now, that's said, still having 600+ TPE right now is a pretty damn fine achievement. He may or may not actually be the oldest active in the league based on me seeing somebody say that there are no people left with single digit season numbers. There is absolutely zero reason he should be trying to extend this the one extra season he could get from it. Chicago doesn't need him like that. It need him fresh and moving forward to his next multi time Pro bowl player.
Xandra Troyski
S10
CB
297 TPE
Well, another S10 player, and this one is a lock. Regression will auto-retire Troyski at the end of the season so there isn't even another season waiting in the wings for the active Updater. Boom. Expect to see something from her soon.
Kulture Future
S11
K/P
337 TPE
Will just escape auto-retirement, but now's kinda the perfect time to just bite the bullet. His legacy as potentially the best ever at K/P is secure. There's nothing to be gained from hanging on and going into next season with 165 or so TPE (give or take based on end of season stuff). This is the moment to make it happen. Hell, I'd argue it should have happened at trade deadline but hey. Who the fuck am I to question the greatest kicker in the league history? Still, put the smart money on retirement here. Keep the dumb money to yourself.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
Danny Grithead
S10
S
538 TPE
Regression is going to eat him so hard that he can't hope to manage getting in an extra seaosn anyway. He would if he could of course. His goal of being all time tackles leader is well known. However, once regression hits, he'll be left with absolutely no path to get anywhere near the 600 TPE that would be required of him to make it to S23. Therefore, he will retire at the end of this year and hope to get the final 87 tackles needed to break the record during his final year. Unfortunately for him, teammate Alex Selich is only a handful of tackles behind him, a year younger, and fully capable of surviving two seasons instead of one. Danny Grithead is going to fail unless he somehow not only adds 87 tackles next year (relatively likely) but also convinces Selich to not chase the same goal (questionable). Sounds like he has a barebones chance.
AUSTIN COPPERHEADS
Grayson Kuusela
S12
DE
326 TPE
Another player who will simply not be able to survive an extra season anyway. He COULD theoretically push hard in S22 and make the 100ish TPE required to avoid auto-retirement, but that's not really his thing. the former DLOTY and winner of the random feud vs Sermo will ride off into the sunset and prep his next great halfassed character. Mama there goes that man.
There you have it. A somewhat shorter than I expected list of active players likely to retire based on being old, unable to go on, and just generally seeing the time is right. Which also means you should expect each of them to add a brand new DSFL player to the existing pool within the next week. So not only do these situation affect the upcoming draft in the NSFL, but DSFL GMs should bee keeping any eye out as well as they look to the ever growing class.
You see that Joe? Pay me like I'm George.
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