Hey y'all,
This is going to be a bit heavy which, if you know me, my style is typically a bit more upbeat and humorous so just preparing you now.
Last Thursday, I was admitted to the ER with immense chest pain, honestly the most pain I have ever endured physically. I was writhing in the hospital bed and seriously thought that I might die. After an EKG determined that it wasn't a heart attack, they finally were able to IV me with some pain meds and it subsided enough to be tolerable. As I laid there waiting all I could think of was the worst, like maybe there was something seriously wrong with me. One CT scan later and they found that I had fluids in between my lungs and chest wall along with a bit of an infection in there - good news as it in the grand scheme of things was a minor ailment. The doctors told me this can happen seemingly at random to just about anybody, even otherwise healthy individuals. They pumped me full of antibiotics, gave me some medications for the weekend and sent me on my way. After a couple of days it cleared right up and thankfully, I'm pretty much back to normal.
What's crazy to me is that I felt like I was going to die from just a random case of bad luck, from something that really luckily wasn't too serious. But what I haven't told people was that, at first, I was completely OK with it killing me.
On Wednesday night, the night before I bit the bullet and went to the hospital, I had been feeling the chest pain most of the day. I thought about going to the ER that night. But I wanted to ride it out in hopes that it just got the better of me. The pain was worse laying down, so I laid in bed thinking about how it'd kill me. At peace, almost excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to do it myself. My family and friends would only know that it was a health complication. They wouldn't have to know that I'd wanted to die at all, people would only know that it was a tragic act of God and wouldn't be mad at me for taking my own life.
The truth is, I've had suicidal thoughts for years. I've had a lot of self-destructive habits that I have had a hard time kicking. I know I should have gotten help but I didn't think I could afford it and didn't plan on acting on any of these thoughts anyway so why bother? For most of my adult life I've felt inadequate, like there is always someone better than me, and that I have no true purpose. I felt that if I died the impact it would have on the world would be minimal.
In my normal life and as some of you have seen on discord, I like to crack jokes and act happy to mask my dark thoughts. If you asked anybody aside from maybe my best friend, I don't think anyone would guess just how awful things are in my mind. I don't talk about it because I don't want people to see that I'm not as happy or content as I display externally. I like people to have a good image of me, I want people to like me, and deep down I feel like if I'm not happy or outgoing or funny people won't like me or will see me as something less, as silly as I know that is.
When I was in the ER, my parents were allowed in with me, and while I was struggling I could see the fear in their faces. In that moment, through the intense pain, it hit me like a truck that I definitely did not want to die. In the hours and next couple of days that followed I received texts and calls from my friends and family and realized that maybe I'm more important than I give myself credit for.
While I was recovering at home for the last few days, I've had time to reflect and over this time I've decided that its time to change my outlook on life. I'm done with wanting to die. I'm done feeling sorry for myself for whatever shortcomings and failures I may have had. I've been in a rut for a long time because I just haven't had the motivation, but I want to stop wasting my life being unproductive and sitting at home doing nothing because its easy and convenient. I always tell myself I can't do this or that because I'll fail, but I want to get over that fear and start making leaps. I really haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet, but I will figure it out in time.
I hate that this is the experience that slapped me in the face and gave me some clarity, but I am thankful that it happened despite how scary it was at the time. I'm just beginning my journey of making some changes. I'm cutting down on drinking, because that has been admittedly a terrible habit of mine, especially leading up to this. I am going to see if my insurance covers mental health, because if I can afford to do it I think it will be beneficial to keep my mind right by talking to a professional. I've never done that before either, so that'll another new frontier I'll be embarking on. To everyone that I talk to regularly, don't expect me to be a different person, I'm still me. The only differences will be behind the scenes.
There's not really a huge point to this other than to pull aside the curtain and show what I've been dealing with in my life. I thought it would help to talk and open up about what I've been going through lately. If you can find a nugget in this wall of text that helps, I'm happy for that and sincerely hope you are able to improve your situation as well. If I have anything to say, it is that I wish for you to never have to have an experience like this before figuring out that your life worth way more than you give it credit for. Talking about it is a good start, do it on your terms when you are ready and in a medium you feel comfortable with, whether it be to a friend, online, or even in a journal that nobody else will read. Maybe the world doesn't know who you are, but for the people that do love you and care for you, you are a major part of their world.
Thank you for reading, take care everyone.
This is going to be a bit heavy which, if you know me, my style is typically a bit more upbeat and humorous so just preparing you now.
Last Thursday, I was admitted to the ER with immense chest pain, honestly the most pain I have ever endured physically. I was writhing in the hospital bed and seriously thought that I might die. After an EKG determined that it wasn't a heart attack, they finally were able to IV me with some pain meds and it subsided enough to be tolerable. As I laid there waiting all I could think of was the worst, like maybe there was something seriously wrong with me. One CT scan later and they found that I had fluids in between my lungs and chest wall along with a bit of an infection in there - good news as it in the grand scheme of things was a minor ailment. The doctors told me this can happen seemingly at random to just about anybody, even otherwise healthy individuals. They pumped me full of antibiotics, gave me some medications for the weekend and sent me on my way. After a couple of days it cleared right up and thankfully, I'm pretty much back to normal.
What's crazy to me is that I felt like I was going to die from just a random case of bad luck, from something that really luckily wasn't too serious. But what I haven't told people was that, at first, I was completely OK with it killing me.
On Wednesday night, the night before I bit the bullet and went to the hospital, I had been feeling the chest pain most of the day. I thought about going to the ER that night. But I wanted to ride it out in hopes that it just got the better of me. The pain was worse laying down, so I laid in bed thinking about how it'd kill me. At peace, almost excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to do it myself. My family and friends would only know that it was a health complication. They wouldn't have to know that I'd wanted to die at all, people would only know that it was a tragic act of God and wouldn't be mad at me for taking my own life.
The truth is, I've had suicidal thoughts for years. I've had a lot of self-destructive habits that I have had a hard time kicking. I know I should have gotten help but I didn't think I could afford it and didn't plan on acting on any of these thoughts anyway so why bother? For most of my adult life I've felt inadequate, like there is always someone better than me, and that I have no true purpose. I felt that if I died the impact it would have on the world would be minimal.
In my normal life and as some of you have seen on discord, I like to crack jokes and act happy to mask my dark thoughts. If you asked anybody aside from maybe my best friend, I don't think anyone would guess just how awful things are in my mind. I don't talk about it because I don't want people to see that I'm not as happy or content as I display externally. I like people to have a good image of me, I want people to like me, and deep down I feel like if I'm not happy or outgoing or funny people won't like me or will see me as something less, as silly as I know that is.
When I was in the ER, my parents were allowed in with me, and while I was struggling I could see the fear in their faces. In that moment, through the intense pain, it hit me like a truck that I definitely did not want to die. In the hours and next couple of days that followed I received texts and calls from my friends and family and realized that maybe I'm more important than I give myself credit for.
While I was recovering at home for the last few days, I've had time to reflect and over this time I've decided that its time to change my outlook on life. I'm done with wanting to die. I'm done feeling sorry for myself for whatever shortcomings and failures I may have had. I've been in a rut for a long time because I just haven't had the motivation, but I want to stop wasting my life being unproductive and sitting at home doing nothing because its easy and convenient. I always tell myself I can't do this or that because I'll fail, but I want to get over that fear and start making leaps. I really haven't figured out what I want to do with my life yet, but I will figure it out in time.
I hate that this is the experience that slapped me in the face and gave me some clarity, but I am thankful that it happened despite how scary it was at the time. I'm just beginning my journey of making some changes. I'm cutting down on drinking, because that has been admittedly a terrible habit of mine, especially leading up to this. I am going to see if my insurance covers mental health, because if I can afford to do it I think it will be beneficial to keep my mind right by talking to a professional. I've never done that before either, so that'll another new frontier I'll be embarking on. To everyone that I talk to regularly, don't expect me to be a different person, I'm still me. The only differences will be behind the scenes.
There's not really a huge point to this other than to pull aside the curtain and show what I've been dealing with in my life. I thought it would help to talk and open up about what I've been going through lately. If you can find a nugget in this wall of text that helps, I'm happy for that and sincerely hope you are able to improve your situation as well. If I have anything to say, it is that I wish for you to never have to have an experience like this before figuring out that your life worth way more than you give it credit for. Talking about it is a good start, do it on your terms when you are ready and in a medium you feel comfortable with, whether it be to a friend, online, or even in a journal that nobody else will read. Maybe the world doesn't know who you are, but for the people that do love you and care for you, you are a major part of their world.
Thank you for reading, take care everyone.
![[Image: StarkComicCOL.png?width=1118&height=676]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/813516004993925163/969363218738872330/StarkComicCOL.png?width=1118&height=676)
![[Image: giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9525cklw8g5toih6brpb1...=giphy.gif]](https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0ErWnkLjegNB5LlC/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9525cklw8g5toih6brpb18nwyahyrsv5zj2nf6qrze6&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif)
![[Image: 019p.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/8zc8Q412/019p.png)
![[Image: img]](https://i.imgur.com/OOIKxl8.gif%5B/img)
![[Image: Fig_Newton.gif?ex=65976b7e&is=6584f67e&h...55ad3b3a4&]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1179468409625399296/1187584756175601724/Fig_Newton.gif?ex=65976b7e&is=6584f67e&hm=d7e3c4f1d3a5275c4575e2c3681e7567bf9fd5c543f15c68e5c2d2f55ad3b3a4&)
![[Image: IMG-20220202-WA0038.jpg]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/462331942063308802/938573776839381063/IMG-20220202-WA0038.jpg)
