Report: Tiny-Faced Man's Eyes Too Small for Football

[Pat]

Philadelphia, PA

Liberty Cornerback, Doy Fieri, steps up to a podium in a small conference room


"Thank you all for coming today. It is with a heavy heart I am here to announce my retirement from the International Simulation Football League, meaning Season 32 will be my last. Some of you may think this is sudden, and you are absolutely right. I wouldn't be making this decision if I didn't absolutely have to."

Doy's voice begins to crack and trail off


"The truth is that this decision has been made because of the advice I've received from esteemed Facial Surgeon, Dr. Caitlin Murphy, who informed me that my smaller-than-average face is more than just a fun, unique part of me, but instead is a very serious medical condition. According to her, my face, and more importantly, my eyes, have been shrinking at an alarming rate over the past few years. She believes it is a big reason why my play on the field has suffered so greatly."

He takes a second to gather himself

"I just want everyone in Philadelphia to know how much it meant to play for this team. You as a community have brought me in and made me feel at home. I hope you know I gave everything I could to you as not only as a player but also as a resident of this great city. I can never thank you enough for that. For now, my time will be split between being the best player I can be this final season, and trying to find a way to halt the shrinking of my face."

"Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Keep on ringing the bell."

[negs]

Absolute bum
<3

[zaynzk]

end of a Error

[Kotasa]

Vance Slattery was an absolute UNIT of a player, arguably the best DT out of the S25 draft.
Doy's face gives me night terrors.
I will miss 50% of this player ID.
Glad to see you recreate, glad to be friends with you Pat!

[Cody]

The best-worst player the league has ever seen.

[frazzle14]

The eyes Chico. They never lie.

[GuitarMaster116]

You were the most terrifying person to look at, but still one of my favorites. Sad to see you go Pat but excited to see what your next player does!

P.S. Vance Slattery would have embraced a shrinking face

[Jimi64]

no

[juniped]

Finally

[ReverendOReily]

Love you pat!! Doy and Leaking are forever linked in my mind as almost-max-earning-yet-vastly-underachieving S25 cornerback bros <3 <3