Interviewer: "Alright, welcome to the show everyone! We told you that we'd get Bjørn Ironside back in the studio just as soon as possible. He's now seen his first action in the NSFL with the prospect bowl kicking off and he was gracious enough to offer us an exclusive peak into what was going on in these exciting games. So without further delay, tell us about what happened in the first game of the prospect bowl, Bjørn. I heard that the Wolfpack and the Mongoose had to play a rematch!"
Bjørn: "Oh man, that was crazy. We didn't know what was going on. Some crazed fan named Weathersly kidnapped Phillip Helmet and shoved him in a closet somewhere. Stole his jersey and everything, came dressed out as the dude. No one even noticed the difference at first and he might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for LeSean McCoy."
Interviewer: "Wait a second, Bjørn. Did you say LeSean McCoy? What did he have to do with all this?"
Bjørn: "Yeah, apparently LeSean McCoy got bored. I can't blame him because its the off season, right? No football makes Bjørn cranky. I'm sure Shady is no different. He heard the games were starting tonight, so he managed to squeeze in under the alias of Dees. He was a last minute walk on and no one even questioned it. The more prospects the better, right? That was until the game kicked off! It took less than a quarter to realize that this was no normal prospect. He was fast. He was so fast it made all the rest of the fast guys out there look not fast. By the end of the game, he had completely humiliated the Mongoose defense. He ran up the score and the yards. The final was like 30 to 3 or something crazy like that! Dees, aka LeSean McCoy, had racked up almost 250 all purpose yards. It was no contest. He was what made people realize something was off."
Interviewer: "So then they had to do a remake, right?"
Bjørn: "Absolutely. Once they realized who Dees really was, they busted Weathersly as well. Shady was trying to smuggle him out the back. It took them a good while to find which closet he hid Phillip Helmet in. Which turned out to be a good thing! You see, one of the big prospects for the Wolfpack wasn't able to play that game. Trae Bacon was dealing with a strained groin injury. He let off one too many pelvic thrusts when he was named the started, despite being the only defensive tackle on the team. They had to import a truck load of ice from Michigan to get his groin iced down. I hear there was some pretty massive swelling. They finally fished out Helmet and Bacon got iced down to a more normal size and we got another kick off."
Interviewer: "That game didn't go as well for the Wolfpack, did it?"
Bjørn: "i hate to say it, but they seemed to really struggle without Dees out there. Half the offense didn't even show up to the game. After the first round, they figured Dees could handle it all himself. It wasn't until half time that the phone calls went out informing everyone that Dees had been suspended. They got scrambling then, but it was too little too late."
Interviewer: "And what about you, Bjørn? You had your first action as well the same night. You were taking on the Cobras if I recall correctly. I hear you had one of the plays of the game and really turned the tides of morale. Tell me a bit about it."
Bjørn: "Yes, that was a good game! Bjørn got to the tiny man. The tiny man was so scared, he tried to give Bjørn the ball, but Bjørn did not care. Bjørn lives for crushing tiny man, so I took the ball from him and crushed him anyways! The look on his face was nothing short of beautiful I tell you. Before that, the game had been a little back and forth and it looked like it was going to be close. After that, it was like they lost all will to play. We took over the game and the rest is history."
Interviewer: "Well then, we've now taken a small look at the first two games. Why don't you tell us who you think were some of the better players out there? Who really made a difference out there?"
Bjørn: "Oh man, there were a ton of them! My favorite players? I mean obviously there was me, Bjørn. I got a sack and forced a fumble to win the game. Clearly that can't be understated. Then you have De La Agua who go a sack. And I have to give my rival, Trae Bacon credit. He also managed to get to the golden peacock in the backfield and take him down. Then there was Williams from the Cobras. He got two sacks! He was really in the head of the small guy."
Interviewer: "You do know that it was your quarterback, Gimmy, that was sacked twice by Williams, right?"
Bjørn: "I do not judge. You cannot quantify the beauty of a sack with nay-saying like, "But it was your teammate!". Tiny man got crushed, that's all that matters. That's what I think made those guys the most important players for their teams. There were some other solid contributors in the games though. We had Vanjensen and boy was he a monster. I usually don't like guys like Vanjensen. Glory hogs that try too hard to take the quarterback from me. He wasn't about that in this game. He knew his role well! He guarded the edges when they tried to run around Bjørn and kept them contained. He didn't even start to shy away from contact. He racked up 13 tackles in that game! He was taking on all the contact that his soul could possibly desire. Then I just have to mention De La Agua again. 14 tackles. His sack wasn't enough for him, oh no. He was all over the place. That is a man who really knows how to hit. You have to admire that."
Interviewer: "So that's it? What about the guys on the other side of the ball? Do you have anything to say about them?"
Bjørn: "What about them? I mean I guess they showed up to the game. Good for them, I'm glad they worked up the courage!"
Interviewer: "Well, then I guess you had a bit of a less exciting game in your view as you weren't involved and nothing crazy happened. Mongoose against the Cobras. What did you see there?"
Bjørn: "Only one guy to talk about. Williams on the Cobras. He got another sack! That is three so far in just two games! It's going to be hard to keep up with that man, I can already tell. Also, can we take a second to talk about the Mongoose? Did you know that they haven't gotten to the quarterback a single time? Two games and they have a giant fucking ZERO in the sack column. What are these guys even doing if it isn't going after the tiny man? They need to step up their game and get in the backfield. Right now that team is the least fun to watch. You got to hit people guys! Rough, dirty. Fight and claw. You've not shown me much effort. Eat tacos, work on it."
Interviewer: "Alright now, Bjørn. That's an interesting perspective to have there, but let's not get carried away. Let us move on and talk about the most recent game. Your second game of act-"
Bjørn stands up and clears his throat, cutting off the interviewer. "Bjørn did not play in a second game. Bjørn has only played one game."
Interviewer: "Well, no. The Tropics played against-"
Bjørn lets out a roar and pushes everything off the table sitting in front of him and the interviewer. He kicks the table and points at the interviewer. "Only one game." And with that, he turned and stomped off.
The very nervous interviewer adjusts his tie and sits up straight. "Well there you have it, folks. From Bjørn himself. We're now three games into the season and things are just now starting to get heated up. Hopefully we get more action in the next couple games so we can all see more of those sacks that Bjørn loves so much. Good night and see you next time."
Bjørn: "Oh man, that was crazy. We didn't know what was going on. Some crazed fan named Weathersly kidnapped Phillip Helmet and shoved him in a closet somewhere. Stole his jersey and everything, came dressed out as the dude. No one even noticed the difference at first and he might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for LeSean McCoy."
Interviewer: "Wait a second, Bjørn. Did you say LeSean McCoy? What did he have to do with all this?"
Bjørn: "Yeah, apparently LeSean McCoy got bored. I can't blame him because its the off season, right? No football makes Bjørn cranky. I'm sure Shady is no different. He heard the games were starting tonight, so he managed to squeeze in under the alias of Dees. He was a last minute walk on and no one even questioned it. The more prospects the better, right? That was until the game kicked off! It took less than a quarter to realize that this was no normal prospect. He was fast. He was so fast it made all the rest of the fast guys out there look not fast. By the end of the game, he had completely humiliated the Mongoose defense. He ran up the score and the yards. The final was like 30 to 3 or something crazy like that! Dees, aka LeSean McCoy, had racked up almost 250 all purpose yards. It was no contest. He was what made people realize something was off."
Interviewer: "So then they had to do a remake, right?"
Bjørn: "Absolutely. Once they realized who Dees really was, they busted Weathersly as well. Shady was trying to smuggle him out the back. It took them a good while to find which closet he hid Phillip Helmet in. Which turned out to be a good thing! You see, one of the big prospects for the Wolfpack wasn't able to play that game. Trae Bacon was dealing with a strained groin injury. He let off one too many pelvic thrusts when he was named the started, despite being the only defensive tackle on the team. They had to import a truck load of ice from Michigan to get his groin iced down. I hear there was some pretty massive swelling. They finally fished out Helmet and Bacon got iced down to a more normal size and we got another kick off."
Interviewer: "That game didn't go as well for the Wolfpack, did it?"
Bjørn: "i hate to say it, but they seemed to really struggle without Dees out there. Half the offense didn't even show up to the game. After the first round, they figured Dees could handle it all himself. It wasn't until half time that the phone calls went out informing everyone that Dees had been suspended. They got scrambling then, but it was too little too late."
Interviewer: "And what about you, Bjørn? You had your first action as well the same night. You were taking on the Cobras if I recall correctly. I hear you had one of the plays of the game and really turned the tides of morale. Tell me a bit about it."
Bjørn: "Yes, that was a good game! Bjørn got to the tiny man. The tiny man was so scared, he tried to give Bjørn the ball, but Bjørn did not care. Bjørn lives for crushing tiny man, so I took the ball from him and crushed him anyways! The look on his face was nothing short of beautiful I tell you. Before that, the game had been a little back and forth and it looked like it was going to be close. After that, it was like they lost all will to play. We took over the game and the rest is history."
Interviewer: "Well then, we've now taken a small look at the first two games. Why don't you tell us who you think were some of the better players out there? Who really made a difference out there?"
Bjørn: "Oh man, there were a ton of them! My favorite players? I mean obviously there was me, Bjørn. I got a sack and forced a fumble to win the game. Clearly that can't be understated. Then you have De La Agua who go a sack. And I have to give my rival, Trae Bacon credit. He also managed to get to the golden peacock in the backfield and take him down. Then there was Williams from the Cobras. He got two sacks! He was really in the head of the small guy."
Interviewer: "You do know that it was your quarterback, Gimmy, that was sacked twice by Williams, right?"
Bjørn: "I do not judge. You cannot quantify the beauty of a sack with nay-saying like, "But it was your teammate!". Tiny man got crushed, that's all that matters. That's what I think made those guys the most important players for their teams. There were some other solid contributors in the games though. We had Vanjensen and boy was he a monster. I usually don't like guys like Vanjensen. Glory hogs that try too hard to take the quarterback from me. He wasn't about that in this game. He knew his role well! He guarded the edges when they tried to run around Bjørn and kept them contained. He didn't even start to shy away from contact. He racked up 13 tackles in that game! He was taking on all the contact that his soul could possibly desire. Then I just have to mention De La Agua again. 14 tackles. His sack wasn't enough for him, oh no. He was all over the place. That is a man who really knows how to hit. You have to admire that."
Interviewer: "So that's it? What about the guys on the other side of the ball? Do you have anything to say about them?"
Bjørn: "What about them? I mean I guess they showed up to the game. Good for them, I'm glad they worked up the courage!"
Interviewer: "Well, then I guess you had a bit of a less exciting game in your view as you weren't involved and nothing crazy happened. Mongoose against the Cobras. What did you see there?"
Bjørn: "Only one guy to talk about. Williams on the Cobras. He got another sack! That is three so far in just two games! It's going to be hard to keep up with that man, I can already tell. Also, can we take a second to talk about the Mongoose? Did you know that they haven't gotten to the quarterback a single time? Two games and they have a giant fucking ZERO in the sack column. What are these guys even doing if it isn't going after the tiny man? They need to step up their game and get in the backfield. Right now that team is the least fun to watch. You got to hit people guys! Rough, dirty. Fight and claw. You've not shown me much effort. Eat tacos, work on it."
Interviewer: "Alright now, Bjørn. That's an interesting perspective to have there, but let's not get carried away. Let us move on and talk about the most recent game. Your second game of act-"
Bjørn stands up and clears his throat, cutting off the interviewer. "Bjørn did not play in a second game. Bjørn has only played one game."
Interviewer: "Well, no. The Tropics played against-"
Bjørn lets out a roar and pushes everything off the table sitting in front of him and the interviewer. He kicks the table and points at the interviewer. "Only one game." And with that, he turned and stomped off.
The very nervous interviewer adjusts his tie and sits up straight. "Well there you have it, folks. From Bjørn himself. We're now three games into the season and things are just now starting to get heated up. Hopefully we get more action in the next couple games so we can all see more of those sacks that Bjørn loves so much. Good night and see you next time."
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