08-28-2019, 01:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-14-2019, 12:18 PM by goodvsevil1275.)
Kenny Blankenship here. Today we sit down with the second O-lineman selected in the DSFL draft, 25th overall, the “Greek Freak” Maximus Chungus to get his thoughts on his first week on the turf.
Blankenship: Hey man, rough first outing versus the first-place Pythons, but way to rebound against the other new guys on the block. Tell me what’s going through your head.
Chungus: Wow, what a rollercoaster. I had high expectations coming into this and some of it came crashing down like a Persian off a cliff in Thermopolaeye. It was hard to rebound, but we rallied to take on the Solar Bears. Really, it was amazing to see the locker room turn it around with Marcella leading the offense and Bjørn Ironside leading our defense.
KB: Interesting. All the talk swirls around Gimmy Jaroppolo, but you said Marcella is the leader in the locker room. Please elaborate on this?
MC: Well yeah. I’ve gotten to know Gimmy well, standing in front of him as he cluelessly holds on to the ball for an eternity before realizing he should throw it. It’s like watching a toddler re-learn how to throw a ball for the first time or a sloth reach for leaves. Marcella is a dominant force on the field and can slip through even the smallest of gaps for major gains, and doesn’t slow down as the game wears on. Do you even watch our games?
KB: Excellent excellent. You said Gimmy is a sloth-like toddler. Can you elaborate more on that?
MC: …..What more is there to say? Even the most powerful titans of men can only hold off the feeble opponents for so long before someone slips through. It was clearly affecting Baki in the penalties and sacks “allowed” by Marcella and Tom. If Gimmy wants to stay in the game back there, he must relieve himself of the ball much swifter. He might die back there. Or worse, get replaced.
KB: Another person you have mentioned is on the other side of the ball, B. Ironside. Tell me more about him.
MC: Bjørn is a natural force and a great personality. He plays hard and dominates his opponents. In games anyway. In practice sometimes I switch the center so that he remains humble and understands that he cannot always attain the sacks and tackles for loss that he desires.
KB: In regards to your own play this year, tell me what you think about your opening performances?
MC: Well I can do better. Perfect is a pancake on every block, but so far I must pace myself. If Gimmy is going to die of old age behind me trying to find our wide open receivers, sometimes winning is fighting for the draw and not the coveted pancake. I get stronger every week, and I will attain the pancakes. In the first game, Portland came out with much to prove and did not relent. I must do more to motivate the team in this case, and calm down the Bahkitiari for he is eager, but often illegal in his formations and blocking from the incorrect sides. The yellow-flag-men see this as weakness and we are punished. In the second game versus the also fledgling Solar Bears, we must demonstrate superiority earlier and not let them think we are, as they, weak and nubile. Again, Baki must settle down for he is eager to unleash his will upon the inferior and often terrified defensive line, but must abide the law of the turf in doing so.
KB: So far you have zero sacks allowed, zero penalties, but zero pancakes…
MC: Speak not of the breakfast metric. They will come, as I have said. I will not allow sacks. Much like the 300 Spartans, I will hold out indefinitely until I know Gimmy has, finally, unleashed his pass attempt. Even if I must hunger for the edge rusher beneath my body for now.
KB: Well put. What are these “Spartans” that you are referencing?
MC: In ancient times, a wall of armored 300 men held out day after day as a tide of Persian soldiers who numbered in the hundreds of thousands crashed against them. Much like when Gimmy fails to assign protection on a blitz, they had to stand firm against many men at once. I was told all Americans knew of the valiant defense of ancient Sparta from the documentary “300.” I’ve done so many photo shoots...I played an entire exhibition game with a bronze breastplate...How can you possibly not know of 300 before sitting down in your tiny chair today? That’s like, my entire thing!
KB: I am not programmed for responses to all pop culture references. I apologize for the-
MC: You’re one of them aren’t you! I knew you couldn’t say her name, you accursed robot! Say it! Say “Marcella T?riki”! Say her name!
KB: “M….m…..Marcella TÃ… riki”
MC: You son of a-!
*Camera cuts out to black but audio of a very violent beatdown followed by the sound of a dial-up connection can be heard*
MC (trailing off): Sons of bitches, simming interviews. Can’t even send a real human to the DSFL. Yes I KNOW there will be fines! I don’t care! He disrespects my culture!.....Yeah I know it’s barely “my” culture but still it’s my whole thing….Ugh fine I’ll put the feeble robot back together. Next time they BETTER program the shit not to ask about pancakes if I get shut out or I’ll burn this whole newsroom…..Oh hell I didn’t take off the mic.
This concludes today's interview. Stay tuned because coming up we have more incoherent ramblings from your favorite players in your second favorite league!
(Grade me)
Blankenship: Hey man, rough first outing versus the first-place Pythons, but way to rebound against the other new guys on the block. Tell me what’s going through your head.
Chungus: Wow, what a rollercoaster. I had high expectations coming into this and some of it came crashing down like a Persian off a cliff in Thermopolaeye. It was hard to rebound, but we rallied to take on the Solar Bears. Really, it was amazing to see the locker room turn it around with Marcella leading the offense and Bjørn Ironside leading our defense.
KB: Interesting. All the talk swirls around Gimmy Jaroppolo, but you said Marcella is the leader in the locker room. Please elaborate on this?
MC: Well yeah. I’ve gotten to know Gimmy well, standing in front of him as he cluelessly holds on to the ball for an eternity before realizing he should throw it. It’s like watching a toddler re-learn how to throw a ball for the first time or a sloth reach for leaves. Marcella is a dominant force on the field and can slip through even the smallest of gaps for major gains, and doesn’t slow down as the game wears on. Do you even watch our games?
KB: Excellent excellent. You said Gimmy is a sloth-like toddler. Can you elaborate more on that?
MC: …..What more is there to say? Even the most powerful titans of men can only hold off the feeble opponents for so long before someone slips through. It was clearly affecting Baki in the penalties and sacks “allowed” by Marcella and Tom. If Gimmy wants to stay in the game back there, he must relieve himself of the ball much swifter. He might die back there. Or worse, get replaced.
KB: Another person you have mentioned is on the other side of the ball, B. Ironside. Tell me more about him.
MC: Bjørn is a natural force and a great personality. He plays hard and dominates his opponents. In games anyway. In practice sometimes I switch the center so that he remains humble and understands that he cannot always attain the sacks and tackles for loss that he desires.
KB: In regards to your own play this year, tell me what you think about your opening performances?
MC: Well I can do better. Perfect is a pancake on every block, but so far I must pace myself. If Gimmy is going to die of old age behind me trying to find our wide open receivers, sometimes winning is fighting for the draw and not the coveted pancake. I get stronger every week, and I will attain the pancakes. In the first game, Portland came out with much to prove and did not relent. I must do more to motivate the team in this case, and calm down the Bahkitiari for he is eager, but often illegal in his formations and blocking from the incorrect sides. The yellow-flag-men see this as weakness and we are punished. In the second game versus the also fledgling Solar Bears, we must demonstrate superiority earlier and not let them think we are, as they, weak and nubile. Again, Baki must settle down for he is eager to unleash his will upon the inferior and often terrified defensive line, but must abide the law of the turf in doing so.
KB: So far you have zero sacks allowed, zero penalties, but zero pancakes…
MC: Speak not of the breakfast metric. They will come, as I have said. I will not allow sacks. Much like the 300 Spartans, I will hold out indefinitely until I know Gimmy has, finally, unleashed his pass attempt. Even if I must hunger for the edge rusher beneath my body for now.
KB: Well put. What are these “Spartans” that you are referencing?
MC: In ancient times, a wall of armored 300 men held out day after day as a tide of Persian soldiers who numbered in the hundreds of thousands crashed against them. Much like when Gimmy fails to assign protection on a blitz, they had to stand firm against many men at once. I was told all Americans knew of the valiant defense of ancient Sparta from the documentary “300.” I’ve done so many photo shoots...I played an entire exhibition game with a bronze breastplate...How can you possibly not know of 300 before sitting down in your tiny chair today? That’s like, my entire thing!
KB: I am not programmed for responses to all pop culture references. I apologize for the-
MC: You’re one of them aren’t you! I knew you couldn’t say her name, you accursed robot! Say it! Say “Marcella T?riki”! Say her name!
KB: “M….m…..Marcella TÃ… riki”
MC: You son of a-!
*Camera cuts out to black but audio of a very violent beatdown followed by the sound of a dial-up connection can be heard*
MC (trailing off): Sons of bitches, simming interviews. Can’t even send a real human to the DSFL. Yes I KNOW there will be fines! I don’t care! He disrespects my culture!.....Yeah I know it’s barely “my” culture but still it’s my whole thing….Ugh fine I’ll put the feeble robot back together. Next time they BETTER program the shit not to ask about pancakes if I get shut out or I’ll burn this whole newsroom…..Oh hell I didn’t take off the mic.
This concludes today's interview. Stay tuned because coming up we have more incoherent ramblings from your favorite players in your second favorite league!
(Grade me)
![[Image: nbi0jtc.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/nbi0jtc.jpg)
![[Image: 041p.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/wvJJCT5v/041p.jpg)
![[Image: Untitled_Artwork.png]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/732271706806419517/769550826225795102/Untitled_Artwork.png)
![[Image: sketch1596853902954.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/732271706806419517/741483802865696870/sketch1596853902954.png)
