10-03-2019, 12:33 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-07-2019, 08:56 AM by goodvsevil1275.)
Ready to be graded: 2033 words, 1.5x draft media.
Disclaimer: I am so sorry guys. I was planning a bit of a joke article for the draft before my car crash that was going to cover all of the actives. Unfortunately, I can’t string more than 10 words at a time together without my hand locking up and giving me issues. Because of that I was only able to get out the first round. I hope you guys still enjoy it and hopefully I can get back to better coverage soon!
Ironside streaming has now gone live! Titled "Diving into the S18 NSFL Draft.”
The camera flickers on and the big man himself is sitting there on his couch with a wicked grin on his face. “Well hello there ladies and gentlemen. It has been a while since I’ve done one of these, but Bjørn Ironside is back. As always, you know what to expect from me. Honesty, truth, and absolute unbiased dives into the league. We’ve had a long season and we’ve walked a long road. Finally we’re here though. The draft is coming up tomorrow and I thought this would be a good chance to dive into how things are going to play out in the first round. I see it going a couple ways, but I’m just going to lay it out for you and how I see it most likely going. Let’s dive in.”
Bjørn turns the camera towards his projector board, the projector starts up and the screen pops into view. “Alright, first round. Pick one. We all know how it is happening. It’s me, Bjørn Ironside. Any other choice just doesn’t make sense. You obviously start this thing off with the best of the best. Big, strong, fast, and dominant. Everything you want in a player, Bjørn Ironside provides. The NSFL is weak at the defensive tackle position and it is almost entirely void of talent. It has been a while since they’ve gotten a stud that can line up and anchor down the middle of a defensive line. There is no way that a team passes up on a player like that. Especially a team that was ranked ninth in defense last season and needs impact players who can contribute immediately. But enough about me, let's move on.”
The screen flicks to the next pick. “Alright then. Next up at second overall, we’ve got Zach Hall. I mean this guy is okay I guess. He’s underweight, he’s skinny, and does he even know how to play defensive end? The dude position swapped like five days ago after playing tight end his entire career. He only made a name for himself due to being a circus clown who could make incredible, unworldly catches. Now he’s just a clown. He knows nothing about playing defense and I’m not sure he has the ability to pull it off. Still. I guess he goes here? Mostly because Philadelphia is desperate for leadership and they think this guy can fill that role or something? I mean I guess he plays a position of need now. He has that going for him at least.”
Another screen flick and Bjørn lets out a bit of a sigh. “I mean I guess this one is a step in the right direction. At pick three you’ve got Maurice Virtanen. He at least knows how to play his position, unlike some people on this list. Still, I’ve seen him in the gym and I’m just not impressed. I guess he’s a bit exotic and that helps him stand out a bit? He’s from Finland and he’s almost as close to being a viking as you can be without being named Bjørn Ironside. Still, this guy is a consolation prize at best. He’s always walking around being friendly and positive like he’s hiding something. I’m pretty sure he is going to be a negative locker room presence and he only goes this high because there aren’t any other half decent choices and Orange County seems to be able to do whatever they want and still get away with it.”
As the screen moves to the fourth pick in the draft, Bjørn actually lets out a heavy laugh. “Hah! A fake, a fraud, a phony. Can you believe people actually thought this guy was spider man? Pete Parker. The guy doesn’t even use the right name. The dude runs like he’s moving in slow motion and he hits like an angry kitten. Whoever was fooled by this farce deserves to live with the results. That is why I have him going to Colorado. Those guys have a history of just making the wrong pick. It’s like a historic curse that keeps them down and I can see them trying to break it by actually thinking they have a chance at Spiderman. Instead, they just have to settle for a pretty okay safety pick. I don’t know how this guy lives with all of his lies.”
“Oh boy, this is a good one.” Bjørn shifts in his seat as pick five flickers onto the screen. “Our first offensive guy is Tyrone Biggums. First thing that comes to mind? Overrated. People keep calling this guy the best offensive product in our draft class. If this is the best we have to offer, then we’re going to see a really long season as these guys struggle to make any ground. He’s small, skinny, and looks like he might break if the wind blows too hard. That said, I fully believe San Jose is the kind of organization that will trust the future of their franchise from a guy who came from Saskatchewan.”
“I’m going to have to be a bit careful with this one boys and girls. It is the second pick of the draft for the New Orleans Second Line, which means this man will obviously be my future teammate since I’m going to them first overall.” A quick click and a shift to the sixth pick. “Here we have Thudd Kassel. The better part of me says to be nice, but I’ve always swore that I’d be honest in these segments with you guys. So you want honestly? This is the guy you pick when Maurice Virtanen is off the board. You think Virtanen looks bad in the gym? This guy makes Virtanen look like a gym king. He spends more time rioting about one thing or another than he spends working out and it shows on the field. This guy has the pedigree of being a football kid out of Texas. You’d think he has all the makings of a future star in this league. But there was a reason he went to Red Valley State and it wasn’t because his athletic ability wowed the college scouts. I very well may be teaming up with this guy, so we’ll see if we can’t whip him into shape.”
Another click as the screen flickers into focus on the seventh pick of this draft. “Now we’re diving into a pick that I am partially okay with. Marcella T?riki has grown on me while sharing a team with her in Norfolk. With her tiny frame and her questionable ability to hold onto the ball, she managed to prove that she is capable of being a feature work horse who runs the ball more than anyone else in the league. That said, she already has 1000 miles on those legs and can’t have too much left in the tank. Norfolk ran her into the ground as they relied on her to make anything that could even resemble offense happen. I’m not sure she has much to offer any team at this point, but she is in luck at seven as she comes face to face with the most running back desperate team in the league. With both of the Yellowknife backs unexpectedly retiring including a young star who they thought was their future, I think they take a chance on anything here. It’s like buying a used car when you’ve only got $1000 in the bank. It’s got a lot of miles, but maybe it can still get you there.”
“And onto number eight. Louisiana Purchase. Let’s all be honest with ourselves. The only reason they take this guy is because their GMs actually think they’re getting enough property to move this franchise somewhere other than Arizona. They’re going to be disappointed when they realize that he’s actually a marginally above average cornerback that comes from USC. I hear those guys produce a potential star every decade or so. Who knows? Perhaps this guy is it. He seems to have a nose for the ball in the secondary, but I really question his ability to handle contact. It seems like the only reason he’s so desperate to knock the ball out of the air is because he’s afraid to make the tackle should that fail. Then again, if I was this guy’s size, I’d probably be scared to get hit too.”
“At number nine, we’ve got Orange County taking a guy who seems to be incredibly average at everything. Korrin Abernathy even calls himself an all-around player. He’s not the fastest, he’s not the strongest, and he’s certainly not the best cornerback in this draft. Still, the Otters seem to be able to get more out of absolute average than anyone else. This guy is so middle of the line that her grew up in Michigan and then decided to play his college ball at Marshall. His only upside may be that he has led teams to believe that he might be able to manage one and right now the Otters are looking for anyone they can throw the mantle onto. Maybe he’ll get to the point that he can be an average team manager as well.”
“And finally we’ve made it to ten. Obviously anyone worth taking is off the board by now. I mean anyone worth taking was off the board after the first pick, so now we have the Austin Copperheads digging around the bottom of the barrel. What do they find down there? Jake Dropson. That’s right boys, you heard me right. Dropson. This man has such a legacy behind him that Portland actually sued him for false advertisement. After the fallout, he was forced to legally change his name to Dropson so no other franchise would ever make the same mistake. This man has hands that were forged at the bottom of a bucket of concrete and what he has in speed, he loses from the sheer number of balls he watches bounce harmlessly off of his hands. Defenses have stopped covering him at this point because they figure he’s more likely to swat it out of the air than they are. At this point though, Austin won’t have many options and I hear they have guys who like to talk. That’s one thing Dropson is good at. Talking.”
With that, Bjørn flicks off his projector and turns the screen back towards himself. “As you can see, things quickly got out of hand after the first pick. Everything after that is bleak, desperate, and woefully mediocre. Still, maybe some of these teams can find some way to make these guys have an impact. In a draft class with such a small pool of talent, they have to take risks and see where their dice might land. We made it 10 picks in and we didn’t even get to the worst prospects. You have guys like Samuel Bakhtiari who’s play is wildly inconsistent and is completely based off of how the universe decides his tarot reads on a given day, Ruff Ruff who’s only real ability is being too darned adorable to tackle. Net Gaines who only makes gains when he’s eating tacos and not when he’s in a weight room, Mike Franchet who is known more for his fireballs than his play on the field, and Baxter Frost whose only claim to fame is having a bigger leg than his ego. Which is impressive because that man has a huge, huge ego. It will be fascinating to see how everything lands and I can’t wait for it to get started. Until next time, this is Ironside signing off.”
And with that, the camera flickers off.
Ironside Streaming has gone offline.
Disclaimer: I am so sorry guys. I was planning a bit of a joke article for the draft before my car crash that was going to cover all of the actives. Unfortunately, I can’t string more than 10 words at a time together without my hand locking up and giving me issues. Because of that I was only able to get out the first round. I hope you guys still enjoy it and hopefully I can get back to better coverage soon!
Ironside streaming has now gone live! Titled "Diving into the S18 NSFL Draft.”
The camera flickers on and the big man himself is sitting there on his couch with a wicked grin on his face. “Well hello there ladies and gentlemen. It has been a while since I’ve done one of these, but Bjørn Ironside is back. As always, you know what to expect from me. Honesty, truth, and absolute unbiased dives into the league. We’ve had a long season and we’ve walked a long road. Finally we’re here though. The draft is coming up tomorrow and I thought this would be a good chance to dive into how things are going to play out in the first round. I see it going a couple ways, but I’m just going to lay it out for you and how I see it most likely going. Let’s dive in.”
Bjørn turns the camera towards his projector board, the projector starts up and the screen pops into view. “Alright, first round. Pick one. We all know how it is happening. It’s me, Bjørn Ironside. Any other choice just doesn’t make sense. You obviously start this thing off with the best of the best. Big, strong, fast, and dominant. Everything you want in a player, Bjørn Ironside provides. The NSFL is weak at the defensive tackle position and it is almost entirely void of talent. It has been a while since they’ve gotten a stud that can line up and anchor down the middle of a defensive line. There is no way that a team passes up on a player like that. Especially a team that was ranked ninth in defense last season and needs impact players who can contribute immediately. But enough about me, let's move on.”
The screen flicks to the next pick. “Alright then. Next up at second overall, we’ve got Zach Hall. I mean this guy is okay I guess. He’s underweight, he’s skinny, and does he even know how to play defensive end? The dude position swapped like five days ago after playing tight end his entire career. He only made a name for himself due to being a circus clown who could make incredible, unworldly catches. Now he’s just a clown. He knows nothing about playing defense and I’m not sure he has the ability to pull it off. Still. I guess he goes here? Mostly because Philadelphia is desperate for leadership and they think this guy can fill that role or something? I mean I guess he plays a position of need now. He has that going for him at least.”
Another screen flick and Bjørn lets out a bit of a sigh. “I mean I guess this one is a step in the right direction. At pick three you’ve got Maurice Virtanen. He at least knows how to play his position, unlike some people on this list. Still, I’ve seen him in the gym and I’m just not impressed. I guess he’s a bit exotic and that helps him stand out a bit? He’s from Finland and he’s almost as close to being a viking as you can be without being named Bjørn Ironside. Still, this guy is a consolation prize at best. He’s always walking around being friendly and positive like he’s hiding something. I’m pretty sure he is going to be a negative locker room presence and he only goes this high because there aren’t any other half decent choices and Orange County seems to be able to do whatever they want and still get away with it.”
As the screen moves to the fourth pick in the draft, Bjørn actually lets out a heavy laugh. “Hah! A fake, a fraud, a phony. Can you believe people actually thought this guy was spider man? Pete Parker. The guy doesn’t even use the right name. The dude runs like he’s moving in slow motion and he hits like an angry kitten. Whoever was fooled by this farce deserves to live with the results. That is why I have him going to Colorado. Those guys have a history of just making the wrong pick. It’s like a historic curse that keeps them down and I can see them trying to break it by actually thinking they have a chance at Spiderman. Instead, they just have to settle for a pretty okay safety pick. I don’t know how this guy lives with all of his lies.”
“Oh boy, this is a good one.” Bjørn shifts in his seat as pick five flickers onto the screen. “Our first offensive guy is Tyrone Biggums. First thing that comes to mind? Overrated. People keep calling this guy the best offensive product in our draft class. If this is the best we have to offer, then we’re going to see a really long season as these guys struggle to make any ground. He’s small, skinny, and looks like he might break if the wind blows too hard. That said, I fully believe San Jose is the kind of organization that will trust the future of their franchise from a guy who came from Saskatchewan.”
“I’m going to have to be a bit careful with this one boys and girls. It is the second pick of the draft for the New Orleans Second Line, which means this man will obviously be my future teammate since I’m going to them first overall.” A quick click and a shift to the sixth pick. “Here we have Thudd Kassel. The better part of me says to be nice, but I’ve always swore that I’d be honest in these segments with you guys. So you want honestly? This is the guy you pick when Maurice Virtanen is off the board. You think Virtanen looks bad in the gym? This guy makes Virtanen look like a gym king. He spends more time rioting about one thing or another than he spends working out and it shows on the field. This guy has the pedigree of being a football kid out of Texas. You’d think he has all the makings of a future star in this league. But there was a reason he went to Red Valley State and it wasn’t because his athletic ability wowed the college scouts. I very well may be teaming up with this guy, so we’ll see if we can’t whip him into shape.”
Another click as the screen flickers into focus on the seventh pick of this draft. “Now we’re diving into a pick that I am partially okay with. Marcella T?riki has grown on me while sharing a team with her in Norfolk. With her tiny frame and her questionable ability to hold onto the ball, she managed to prove that she is capable of being a feature work horse who runs the ball more than anyone else in the league. That said, she already has 1000 miles on those legs and can’t have too much left in the tank. Norfolk ran her into the ground as they relied on her to make anything that could even resemble offense happen. I’m not sure she has much to offer any team at this point, but she is in luck at seven as she comes face to face with the most running back desperate team in the league. With both of the Yellowknife backs unexpectedly retiring including a young star who they thought was their future, I think they take a chance on anything here. It’s like buying a used car when you’ve only got $1000 in the bank. It’s got a lot of miles, but maybe it can still get you there.”
“And onto number eight. Louisiana Purchase. Let’s all be honest with ourselves. The only reason they take this guy is because their GMs actually think they’re getting enough property to move this franchise somewhere other than Arizona. They’re going to be disappointed when they realize that he’s actually a marginally above average cornerback that comes from USC. I hear those guys produce a potential star every decade or so. Who knows? Perhaps this guy is it. He seems to have a nose for the ball in the secondary, but I really question his ability to handle contact. It seems like the only reason he’s so desperate to knock the ball out of the air is because he’s afraid to make the tackle should that fail. Then again, if I was this guy’s size, I’d probably be scared to get hit too.”
“At number nine, we’ve got Orange County taking a guy who seems to be incredibly average at everything. Korrin Abernathy even calls himself an all-around player. He’s not the fastest, he’s not the strongest, and he’s certainly not the best cornerback in this draft. Still, the Otters seem to be able to get more out of absolute average than anyone else. This guy is so middle of the line that her grew up in Michigan and then decided to play his college ball at Marshall. His only upside may be that he has led teams to believe that he might be able to manage one and right now the Otters are looking for anyone they can throw the mantle onto. Maybe he’ll get to the point that he can be an average team manager as well.”
“And finally we’ve made it to ten. Obviously anyone worth taking is off the board by now. I mean anyone worth taking was off the board after the first pick, so now we have the Austin Copperheads digging around the bottom of the barrel. What do they find down there? Jake Dropson. That’s right boys, you heard me right. Dropson. This man has such a legacy behind him that Portland actually sued him for false advertisement. After the fallout, he was forced to legally change his name to Dropson so no other franchise would ever make the same mistake. This man has hands that were forged at the bottom of a bucket of concrete and what he has in speed, he loses from the sheer number of balls he watches bounce harmlessly off of his hands. Defenses have stopped covering him at this point because they figure he’s more likely to swat it out of the air than they are. At this point though, Austin won’t have many options and I hear they have guys who like to talk. That’s one thing Dropson is good at. Talking.”
With that, Bjørn flicks off his projector and turns the screen back towards himself. “As you can see, things quickly got out of hand after the first pick. Everything after that is bleak, desperate, and woefully mediocre. Still, maybe some of these teams can find some way to make these guys have an impact. In a draft class with such a small pool of talent, they have to take risks and see where their dice might land. We made it 10 picks in and we didn’t even get to the worst prospects. You have guys like Samuel Bakhtiari who’s play is wildly inconsistent and is completely based off of how the universe decides his tarot reads on a given day, Ruff Ruff who’s only real ability is being too darned adorable to tackle. Net Gaines who only makes gains when he’s eating tacos and not when he’s in a weight room, Mike Franchet who is known more for his fireballs than his play on the field, and Baxter Frost whose only claim to fame is having a bigger leg than his ego. Which is impressive because that man has a huge, huge ego. It will be fascinating to see how everything lands and I can’t wait for it to get started. Until next time, this is Ironside signing off.”
And with that, the camera flickers off.
Ironside Streaming has gone offline.
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