*Ranking NSFL Destinations Using Strip Club Review

[TheCC]

[div align=\\\"center\\\"] Ranking NSFL Destinations [/div]
[div align=\\\"center\\\"]Using Strip Club Reviews[/div]

How’s it going everyone? Hope you’re all having an awesome day. This article is for all of you rookies out there. We’re going to be figuring out which cities in the NSFL would be the best rookie destination. We’re going to be doing this by analyzing each city’s top strip clubs’ Google reviews. I hope you rooks get some good information out of this, and learn where you should really be hoping you land in the draft. Let’s begin.

Baltimore Hawks
Penthouse Club Baltimore - Gentlemen’s Club - Strip Club: 4.2 stars (148 reviews)
Located on Fallsway, Penthouse Club Baltimore appears to be a well above average destination if this is what you’re looking for. Not the top of the line, but definitely not a place to scoff at either. Even the best of the best establishments probably have at least some negative reviews, though. The first negative review that I’m seeing is a two star rating from James Bond, saying that Penthouse Club Baltimore just isn’t worth the money. What’s this, though? A response from the owner! “Thanks for taking the time to give us a review, but it has got me thinking if you have the right club?”, and “Ask anyone and they are typically blown away with our club.” An absolute zinger from left field! You have to respect the confidence. Another thing to note with this club is that they have a very solid website, which is…kind of surprising to me for some reason? I don’t know, it’s definitely a plus. Very solid but not great grade for Baltimore.
Grade: B+

Chicago Butchers
Rick’s Cabaret Chicago: 3.5 stars (147 reviews)
Pink Monkey: 2.8 stars (146 reviews)
Look, I’m usually out there banging the drum for my team in Chicago. I tell everyone that will listen that we’re building something beautiful in this city. But I don’t really see much of a way of spinning this into something good. An average in the low 3s is abysmal. I promise that everything else about Chicago is great, but it looks like the strip club scene just is not- wait...well now, what is this?
Manhattan Men Male Revue Strip Club: 4.3 stars (52 reviews)
Now this, I did not expect. Just when we thought Chicago was going to be in last place (again, yikes), Manhattan Men Male Revue Strip Club rises like a Phoenix from the ashes to offer salvation to our city. This club seems like it may tickle your fancy. Or maybe it will tickle something else. With reviews such as “I even got some workout tips from some of them”, and “We had hunky waiters deliver us drinks”, this appears to be one of the top nightlife destinations in Chicago.
Interested in Females: C-
Interested in Males: A-

Colorado Yeti
PT’s Showclub Denver: 2.9 stars (151 reviews)
Diamond Cabaret: 3.0 stars (138 reviews)
If there’s an average strip club city, it appears that the Colorado Yeti are the home of it. I’m sure these clubs are chock full of average sized boobs. Which, apparently, is 34DD. Doesn’t that seem a bit big for the average? I guess the United States does have a bit of a weight problem, so perhaps that contributes a bit to the larger average? 34DD has not been the average among my exes and current girlfriend. There’s one review that really catches my eye the most. Paul Stornelli, a man with a very unfortunate hairline (don’t make too much fun - most of us will get there eventually), says, “Then we were served a small bowl of some cold white soup which was very terrible”. Yikes. Not a good look for the Diamond Cabaret. All right rookies, if you’re into very average women and terrible cold white soup, it looks like Colorado may be the best landing spot for you.
Grade: C-

Philadelphia Liberty
Club Risque: 3.9 stars (152 reviews)
I was expecting a much more popular bar in Philly. It just seemed like something that this city would have. But then I got to thinking. The citizens really can’t be pleased. I’ve heard of this other, lesser football league known as the NFL. Apparently the Philadelphia fans hate all of their own players. They hated NFL players known as Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick, Terrell Owens, Nelson Agholor, and even their newest quarterback, Carson Wentz, who is a young MVP caliber QB when healthy. Even their own GM hates Carson Wentz; they drafted his replacement in their last draft, and he still has three more seasons before regression! Where was I again? Oh yeah, Club Risque. This isn’t a bad gentlemen’s club by any means, don’t get me wrong. It’s most likely better than the 3.9 star rating, if the harshness of Philadelphia citizens is any indication. Good not great.
Grade: B

Sarasota Sailfish
Oz Gentlemen’s Club: 4.3 stars (263 reviews)
Da Vinci’s Club: 4.6 stars (192 reviews)
Wow, so far, Sarasota is the place to be. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure where Sarasota was before I googled their strip clubs. It sounds like somewhere in the north, maybe in Canada or something. If I had known that the Sailfish were located in Florida, my expectations would have been much higher. Regardless, these are impressive scores, and an impressive amount of reviews. Those Floridians really get around to the strip clubs, and they really want their opinion on said clubs to be recorded. As Da Vinci’s Club puts it, “Da Vinci’s IS Manatee County’s Ultimate destination club.” Big talk, but they have the reviews to back it up. We all know how crazy Florida Man is. I’m sure Florida Woman can go punch for punch with him. Bobby Johnson recounts his crazy night in Sarasota like this: “The owner and bartender are extremely nice people.” This place will be tough to beat. Let’s see if anyone can take down these maniacs.
Grade: A

Yellowknife Wraiths
Harley’s Hardrock Saloon: 3.7 stars (44 reviews)
What in the world? They have strip clubs in the Northwest Territories? Jmac gg sums up what I think my thoughts would have been, had I accidentally visited Harley’s Hardrock Saloon, with “Food was ok, friendly staff. But NOT a kids restaurant like I initially thought.” 3.7 isn’t bad by any means. That’s a much better rating than I would have expected, if I had even expected Yellowknife to have a strip club. I do believe that this rating may be skewed, though. Think about it: what else do these people have to look at? What do these people have to occupy themselves with? The citizens of Yellowknife have two things to look forward to: an Ultimus appearance (only an appearance), and Harley’s Hardrock Saloon. One thing is certain, though: these poor ladies entertaining in the Northwest Territories are hard enough to cut glass.
Grade: B-

Arizona Outlaws
Le Girls Gentlemen’s Club: 3.3 stars (174 reviews)
Hi Liter Club: 3.9 stars (106 reviews)
What in the hell are these names? “Le Girls” is so lazy, and Hi Liter Club sounds like something near my IRL hometown where the guys in trucker hats and sleeveless flannels go to drool over their gatorade bottle full of chaw. I expected average strip clubs in Phoenix, but I didn’t expect these horrid names. Surprisingly, the ratings are slightly higher than I expected them to be. I’m going to go ahead and assume that these clubs are for old folks, since Arizona is one of the two places in the United States where the entire state is a retirement center. Timothy Freeman tells us about his wild experience in Hi Liter Club with, “Was greeted by the staff at the door and seated to a table.” Are we sure this isn’t just an old folks home? It only seems fair to share a negative review after that overwhelmingly positive story. I’ll summarize Jeff Garland’s review of Hi Liter. Jeff had been a patron of Hi Liter for five years, but paid $25 to be thrown to the asphalt! He’s tired of the strippers and bouncers taking advantage of him. He admits that he had a few drinks but insists that he knows he was only given one dance, and not the three that he paid for. He was thrown out and told to never come back. He finishes his tale with, “Oh well. My own fault for continually going there.” What a ride.
Grade: C+

Austin Copperheads
The Landing Strip: 3.6 stars (60 reviews)
XTC Cabaret Austin: 3.2 stars (114 reviews)
What does Cabaret even mean anyway? I’ve seen that pop up several times thus far. I thought it was a wine, if we’re being honest. Oh well, back to the clubs. I’ve typically been choosing the strip clubs with the most reviews (because nothing in this world is more important than sample size), but I just couldn’t resist adding The Landing Strip. One has to wonder, is part of the dress code to have a, well, um, a landing strip? Curious stuff. This being Austin, Texas, I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of these clubs is just a mud wrestling pit in the Colorado River. You know what? I might be a fan of that. Let me look into that.
Grade: C

Honolulu Hahalua
Ballarrinas Gentlemen’s Club 18+: 4.0 stars (134 reviews)
Okay, a 4 star rating is good. Very good, even. However, I can’t help but feel like the entertainers at this club are just a bunch of young, poor, Native Hawaiians. Is anyone else getting this vibe? If anyone from Honolulu can vouch for this club, then that’s great, and I will completely change my stance. I’m just getting a weird vibe here. I mean, the name “Ballarinas” is already a little weird. And then the 18+ is a little strange as well. That one might be normal, but this whole thing is making me feel weird. Maybe I’m being unfair. This is probably a fine enough establishment. I’m going to give them a good grade for the 4.0, but I’m going to have to dock them slightly for the uncomfortableness factor. Let’s just move on and stop thinking about this.
Grade: B

New Orleans Second Line
Larry Flynt’s Hustler Barely Legal: 4.4 stars (244 reviews)
Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club: 4.1 stars (153 reviews)
Stripper King: 4.8 stars (49 reviews)
Hide your daughter. Larry Flynt is employing all fresh 18 year olds. Am I a prude, or is this weird as hell? It appears that Larry Flynt has two clubs: one for weird dudes that want to see very young looking women, and one for normal guys. I could be completely wrong here. That’s just how it appears from the names alone. One thing is unquestionable, though. Larry Flynt is KILLING the New Orleans strip club game. The “Home of the Hustler Honeys” does have good reviews. At a mid 4 rating, New Orleans is very impressive. Almost good enough to dethrone Sarasota, but not quite enough. So close.
Grade: A-

Orange County Otters
California Girls Santa Ana: 3.7 stars (116 reviews)
Ecstasy Theater: 3.4 stars (50 reviews)
Knowing nothing about Orange County, I definitely expected more out of their strip clubs’ ratings. That might seem unfair. It is. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Santa Ana’s strip clubs are decent, but don’t appear to be too special. That is, until you read the reviews. I think to really see what Ecstasy Theater is about, we should list the most valuable reviews. Here they are:
1) “...the rooms are clean; very important.” -Ed
2) “Good morning beautiful and experience Happy ramadan Kareem” -Xzuhair Abdurahman
3) “I had a COIN card..(digital credit card that holds multiple cards).” -Tyler (Local Guide)
4) “...Prices are more...the couches are worth it in my opinion” -Jake Rabbit
Wow. That really establishes Ecstasy Theater as a top-notch club. There’s not a lot of arguing that you can do against those reviews.
Grade: C+

San Jose Sabercats
The World Famous Pink Poodle: 3.2 stars (112 reviews)
Spearmint Rhino San Jose: 2.7 stars (42 reviews)
Who names a strip club after a flavor of gum? And what is the pink poodle? And if it’s so famous, why haven’t I heard about it? Let’s look to the reviews for some clarification. The California Dude says this about The World Famous Pink Poodle: “We had a good conversation about her previous work places as well ”. Okay, I think I’m starting to understand this place a little bit. This is the least surprising result of this entire piece. I mean, I knew I could count on the Bay Area’s gentlemen’s clubs to be weird and have below average reviews. I’m picturing women dressed only in beanies, gauges, and thick framed glasses - nothing more. And you know what? I’m kind of into it. The ratings are urging me to stay away, but I’m not listening.
Grade: C

Okay, now that we have all of my grades out of the way, its time to reveal the final rankings in a more cohesive manner. Some of the grades may seem harsh. Some of the grades may seem generous. Listen, I don’t really know what I’m doing. If you know me and notice that it’s Friday, you know that there’s a decent chance that I’ve been drinking. Shall we move on to the rankings yet? We shall.

13. Colorado Yeti (C-)
12. Chicago Butchers (gentlemen’s clubs) (C-)
11. San Jose Sabercats ©
10. Austin Copperheads ©
9. Arizona Outlaws (C+)
8. Orange County Otters (C+)
7. Yellowknife Wraiths (B-) (wtf)
6. Honolulu Hahalua (B)
5. Philadelphia Liberty (B)
4. Baltimore Hawks (B+)
3. New Orleans Second Line (A-)
2. Chicago Butchers (A-)
1. Sarasota Sailfish (A)

Okay rookies, time for you guys to listen up. Every city in this league is home to a great (or good enough, at least) strip club. Luckily, it looks like we have a much better selection than the strip clubs around my hometown area. Did these rankings surprise you? Did they change your mind about where you would like to end up in the draft? Are none of these cities good enough, so you’re leaving the league to go retire in Atlanta or Houston, so that you can see some real strip clubs? Let me know down in the comments.

I hope each of you rookies has a great draft experience. I hope you end up where you want to, or at least in a great situation. Remember that it’s not about what pick you’re drafted at, but about what you do with your career after the draft. If you’re a high pick, exceed expectations. If you’re a later pick, like me, prove everyone wrong and make sure your team walks away with a hidden gem. And last but not least, go support your ladies at your local club.

Disclaimer: At 24 years old, I have never actually been to a strip club.

[Jo3fish5]

*disclaimer*

[ForSucksFake]

Oh hell yeah

[Blueline]

Looking forward to our away game in Sarasota next season!

[Frostbite]

Why do you think I chose Florida

[HalfEatenOnionBagel]

Looking forward to our away game in Sarasota next season!

Make sure your next contract is paid out in singles

[Opera_Phantom]

Arizona Outlaws
story. I’ll summarize Jeff Garland’s review of Hi Liter. Jeff had been a patron of Hi Liter for five years, but paid $25 to be thrown to the asphalt! He’s tired of the strippers and bouncers taking advantage of him. He admits that he had a few drinks but insists that he knows he was only given one dance, and not the three that he paid for. He was thrown out and told to never come back. He finishes his tale with, “Oh well. My own fault for continually going there.” What a ride.

Hi, it's me, Jeff.

[TheCC]

Hi, it's me, Jeff.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that :/

[Opera_Phantom]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that :/

Don't worry, they have a great buffet

[Bayley]

This is the content I want