[div align=\\\"center\\\"] 
The Chicago Butchers organization would like to announce the signing of Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord to the following contract. Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord has been a pleasure to work with on the team and in the locker room, and he sells himself short for being a half eaten bagel. In fact, he is the entire bagel. The onion bagel is definitely one of the bagels that is underrated, so just like Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord, he is underrated in what he does for the Chicago Butchers and surrounding community. We are happy to see this man in a Butchers Uniform for a while. We are happy to accept the contract details and the clauses within.
CB - Osiris Firestorm-Fjord (@HalfEatenOnionBagel)
S24: 2,000,000
S25: 2,000,000 MO
S26: 2,000,000 MO
----------------------------------------------
"Fuck Philly" Clause:
- NTC with Philadelphia for the duration of this contract
- All bathrooms in the South Wing of the Chicago Butchers home stadium must have urinals featuring photos of Philadelphia Liberty players
- The Chicago Butchers organization will be responsible for payment of any fines incurred by Osiris Firestorm-Fjord related to explicit language featured on apparel and footwear worn on game days when playing against the Philadelphia Liberty
"For the Love of the Game" Clause:
- Osiris Firestorm-Fjord is allowed to play croquet anywhere and at any time, including during the NSFL regular season
"Look What you Made Me Do" Clause:
- Taylor Swift music at Chicago Butchers home games will be banned until 22 minutes before the scheduled kickoff time
"It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy" Clause:
-The Chicago Butchers will host and pay for a pizza party to include a minimum of 35 Chicago style deep dish pizzas after every game in which Osiris Firestorm-Fjord records at least one interception
"It's Not a Sandwich, Dammit" Clause:
- Signs at concession stands at the Chicago Butchers home stadium must be rewritten to explicitly delineate between hot dogs, sandwiches and tacos as separate menu items. All concession stand signs will require final approval from Osiris Firestorm-Fjord before being posted
"Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" Clause:
- This contract will be paid out in unmarked, non sequential quarters
"Mr. Worldwide" Clause:
- All player measurables must be listed in metric units in all official Chicago Butchers gameday programs. This can be in addition to the already used English/American units
"Alright Alright Alright" Clause:
- Osiris Firestorm-Fjord will be allowed to participate in interstellar travel, even during the NSFL regular season, if it is required of him as part of solving or preventing a catastrophic event on a global scale
"Ice Cream Should be Enjoyed" Clause:
- The Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor Cherry Garcia must be banned from the Chicago Butchers stadium, training facilities and all official team events
"A Way With Words" Clause:
-The forum post announcing this contract must have an interesting title and the post itself must say something nice both about Osiris Firestorm-Fjord and his agent HalfEatenOnionBagel before presenting the terms of the contract to be accepted. The merit of whether the title is interesting and the post says something nice about Osiris Firestorm-Fjord and his agent HalfEatenOnionBagel will be solely determined by HalfEatenOnionBagel who will indicate that the conditions of this clause have been satisfied by official acceptance of the contract in the forum post.
"Quick Maths" Clause:
- During the duration of this contract, should the absolute value of the ELO rating of the Chicago Butchers change by at least 597 points over any length of time, the RMS of rushing yards allowed by the Chicago Butchers be more than double the RMS of rushing yards allowed by the Orange County Otters during a regular season, the standard deviation of the temperature in Chicago (in degrees Celsius) over a 33 day window exceed the career QB rating of Franky LaFleur and the auroral kilometric radiation frequency of Saturn shift in a 24 hour window by 30% more than the percent change in total interceptions by the Chicago Butchers in subsequent seasons, Osiris Firestorm-Fjord reserves the right to match any offers made by the Chicago Butchers for any picks and players through the end of the S26 NSFL draft[/div]
The Chicago Butchers organization would like to announce the signing of Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord to the following contract. Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord has been a pleasure to work with on the team and in the locker room, and he sells himself short for being a half eaten bagel. In fact, he is the entire bagel. The onion bagel is definitely one of the bagels that is underrated, so just like Mr. Osiris Firestorm-Fjord, he is underrated in what he does for the Chicago Butchers and surrounding community. We are happy to see this man in a Butchers Uniform for a while. We are happy to accept the contract details and the clauses within.
CB - Osiris Firestorm-Fjord (@HalfEatenOnionBagel)
S24: 2,000,000
S25: 2,000,000 MO
S26: 2,000,000 MO
----------------------------------------------
"Fuck Philly" Clause:
- NTC with Philadelphia for the duration of this contract
- All bathrooms in the South Wing of the Chicago Butchers home stadium must have urinals featuring photos of Philadelphia Liberty players
- The Chicago Butchers organization will be responsible for payment of any fines incurred by Osiris Firestorm-Fjord related to explicit language featured on apparel and footwear worn on game days when playing against the Philadelphia Liberty
"For the Love of the Game" Clause:
- Osiris Firestorm-Fjord is allowed to play croquet anywhere and at any time, including during the NSFL regular season
"Look What you Made Me Do" Clause:
- Taylor Swift music at Chicago Butchers home games will be banned until 22 minutes before the scheduled kickoff time
"It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy" Clause:
-The Chicago Butchers will host and pay for a pizza party to include a minimum of 35 Chicago style deep dish pizzas after every game in which Osiris Firestorm-Fjord records at least one interception
"It's Not a Sandwich, Dammit" Clause:
- Signs at concession stands at the Chicago Butchers home stadium must be rewritten to explicitly delineate between hot dogs, sandwiches and tacos as separate menu items. All concession stand signs will require final approval from Osiris Firestorm-Fjord before being posted
"Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start" Clause:
- This contract will be paid out in unmarked, non sequential quarters
"Mr. Worldwide" Clause:
- All player measurables must be listed in metric units in all official Chicago Butchers gameday programs. This can be in addition to the already used English/American units
"Alright Alright Alright" Clause:
- Osiris Firestorm-Fjord will be allowed to participate in interstellar travel, even during the NSFL regular season, if it is required of him as part of solving or preventing a catastrophic event on a global scale
"Ice Cream Should be Enjoyed" Clause:
- The Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor Cherry Garcia must be banned from the Chicago Butchers stadium, training facilities and all official team events
"A Way With Words" Clause:
-The forum post announcing this contract must have an interesting title and the post itself must say something nice both about Osiris Firestorm-Fjord and his agent HalfEatenOnionBagel before presenting the terms of the contract to be accepted. The merit of whether the title is interesting and the post says something nice about Osiris Firestorm-Fjord and his agent HalfEatenOnionBagel will be solely determined by HalfEatenOnionBagel who will indicate that the conditions of this clause have been satisfied by official acceptance of the contract in the forum post.
"Quick Maths" Clause:
- During the duration of this contract, should the absolute value of the ELO rating of the Chicago Butchers change by at least 597 points over any length of time, the RMS of rushing yards allowed by the Chicago Butchers be more than double the RMS of rushing yards allowed by the Orange County Otters during a regular season, the standard deviation of the temperature in Chicago (in degrees Celsius) over a 33 day window exceed the career QB rating of Franky LaFleur and the auroral kilometric radiation frequency of Saturn shift in a 24 hour window by 30% more than the percent change in total interceptions by the Chicago Butchers in subsequent seasons, Osiris Firestorm-Fjord reserves the right to match any offers made by the Chicago Butchers for any picks and players through the end of the S26 NSFL draft[/div]
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