07-30-2020, 06:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2020, 07:17 PM by Asked Madden.)
The DE class of S25 is chock full of talent. I'm here to give a breakdown of strengths, development needs and to give a bit of background on each of these individuals.
This isn't a ranking piece so much as a handy touchstone for scouts if they are having trouble making headway. As per usual I have taken extreme liberties.
Method:
1. Check TPE tracker. Ignore stats.
2. Check for Wiki. Ignore Wiki and make up facts.
3. Check for player page on forum - get frustrated at search tool.
4. Talk drivel.
*Editor's note* apologies for what you are about to read it starts okay and descends very quickly into lunacy. This mess usually wouldn't get posted, but it's been a week and I'm starting to get hard cash withdrawal symptoms. This effect has been doubled by the introduction of media multiplier
Raylan Crowder
I realise I've just mentioned that this isn't a ranking piece, however if it was here's your top pick folks. Crowder is packed full of talent, oozes charisma and is a true leader in the locker room.
With a vast arsenal of skills to pull from, Crowder can use his high end pace to run past you or his power to bowl you over. He's an O-linemans worst nightmare.
Seriously though draft this man. Four Horsemen.
Tex Wrecks
Part Dinosaur, part monster truck. Tex Wrecks could be an absolute monster in this league. Looking like the offspring of something from /r/dragonsfuckingcars (don't look it up, you've been warned), this hybrid freakshow will roll over your Oline before biting the head off your QB.
Legal? Of course not.
Entertaining? Very.
We aren't too sure where Wrecks came from but I'd rather have him on my team than against me.
Strengths: Everything
Weaknesses: small arms. Can't see you if you stay still.
When we reached out for comment T. Wrecks had this to say: "Rawr, roooar, vrroooomm *high pitch tire screech*"
Jake Sackson
Sackson - get it?! Sack son. If you have children make sure you stay away from Jake or your little boy is getting dropped like a sack of spuds.
Sackson spent high school honing his tackling skills at the local peewee football league, every week he would turn up and muller kids left right and centre. Sackson holds the record for most counts of GBH without getting time inside.
A demon in the run stuffing game, draft this man if you need someon to stuff gaps and lay out players 5ft 4 or less.
Jeffery Jefferson
Jeffery Jefferson - son of Jeffery Jefferson has a son - Jeffery Jefferson. Coming from a long line of butler's Jefferson is the first of his name to be built like a tank. Some question whether he was a legitimate child of Jeffery sr who measures in at 5ft6 120lb.
Jefferson has a mean streak, perfect for the between the tackles nitty gritty work. He'll do the hard work often being double teamed opening holes elsewhere.
Owen Isaac
The name Owen Isaac makes me think of Owen Hart and Isaac Asimov which means only one thing:
Owen Isaac is Owen Hart brought back in robot form. The problem with this is according to Asimovs first law - no robot can hurt a human. Isaac breaks through OL like an eel, no damage done. It doesn't destroy quarterbacks it will only bearhug them until the play is whistled dead.
If you want a mean streak look elsewhere. If you want a robot with a deadly fear of ziplines chose Isaac.
Henry Grant
"Never trust a man with two first names."
Henry Grant has lived up to this saying his whole life. Grant grew up in a rough area - from the age of 12 he was used as a police informant ratting out various low level thugs and drug dealers.
Grant now uses his Guile to sneak his way past unsuspecting O-linemen and holds the collegiate record for strip-sacks - no doubt abusing his double name sorcery to steal the ball from the QB.
Albert Ruschmann
Ruschmann oozes talent and not just on the field. A lifelong dedicated choir boy, Ruschmann has the voice of an angel and the body of a demon. He has been known to rush the passer whilst singing hymns in perfect tenor.
Ruschmann has gone by many nicknames over his short career: "The Rush-man", "Spanky" and "Armpit". However the one that has lingered like a bad smell is "Glitter Critter". The name was gifted to him when his college team mates found out his grandad invented glitter, Ruschmann played into the nickname keeping pocket full of glitter to sprinkle over the QB on sacks. This once led to an ejection when an egregious holding penalty wasn't called - he tossed his pocket glitter with so much force at the referee that the ref was temporarily blinded.
Bobby Hoffman
Fantastic on a BMX, smashing in cleats. Hoffman isnt your prototypical DE he isn't massive and doesn't quite tower over people, he does however practice voodoo in his spare time.
He makes clay dolls of each linemen he's going to come up against and jabs pins into their hands, meaning shedding blockers is like child's play to him.
Pick this man if you want to be mildly creeped out but mightly impressed.
Sam Roes
This man, according to Wikipedia is either 20 or 40 years old. This leads me to believe Roes is a time travelling footballer looking to ply his trade in the DSFL.
Growing up playing the incredible sport of rugby. He played as a flanker as he wasn't ruggedly handsome enough to get a place in the second row.
During the off-season Roes spends the majority of his time crocheting little animals for the local orphanage. His specialty is a small octopus with long dangly legs. If you want one of these made for you, you can find them on his bespoke chic Etsy profile.
Abdul-Jabbar Abid
Abid used to be a street brawling orphan with no care in the world except football. In one of his games, Abid was grievously wounded and collapsed in front of a monastery. The Marquez priests took him in, saving him from death. After recovering, Abid realized the error of his ways and resolved to start a new life. He became a priest and renounced his old football ways. He then became a man with a mission; he dreamed of building an orphanage for street children, hoping to save them from becoming the kind of fighter he used to be.
Abid was successful in building an orphanage, but funds were tight; to bring income to the orphanage, Abid played in pickup games, donning his now iconic Jaguar helmet to conceal his identity and acquiring the title "Spots". It was at this time that Abid came to the attention of his future rival Sack Daddy, one of the regulars from the pickup game scene.
After a long rivalry Sack Daddy burned down the orphanage Abid spent so long building.
Abid has vowed to take action ever since - following Daddy to the DSFL.
Sack Daddy
Is this man related to Jake Sackson?
Is there SackBaby too?
I'm actually annoyed that I just searched for sack daddy on wiki. Of course there was nothing there and it was waste if time.
Let's be fair, sack daddy must've been bullied at high school with that sort of name. He clearly started football to get in with the cool kids and ended up growing bigger and stronger than any of his class mates.
Sack Daddy has unresolved beef with Abdul-Jabbar Abid.
Crozier McCoy
McCoy is a proud Scottish Defensive end who plied his trade in the Edinburgh wolves senior team before being scouted into the DSFL.
Since moving to America McCoy has been know to walk into local food establishments and ask for "A jumbo Haggis supper, salt and sauce. And gee's a poke eh chips for the road hen". He has yet to find a joint which has satisfied this request, usually being sent on his way with a packet of lays and a chili dog.
Brick Van Sanzo
Van Sanzo is a power rusher at heart with good, but not top end, speed and strength. One scouting report of brick mentioned:
"A combination of speed and strength, he gets off the line and relies on power to push off lineman to get to RBs and QBs with the precision of a ball of razor blades."
Let's dig into this further, the comparison to a ball of razor blades is a strange one to me. If you asked me to chose an amount of razor blades to shave with in order to be precise, I am likely to pick one... Not many.
If you asked me what shape I would like my razor blades to come in for a precision shave the last thing I would chose is a ball.
That being said van Sanzo comes at your quarter back with all the subtlety of a Brick to the face. You can't go wrong picking up this man (unless you're looking for a close shave).
Troy Watson
Watson is a massive retro games fan, mostly from the sega and Nintendo systems. When he was 17 he slicked back his hair painted himself blue giving himself a white chest and commando rolled down the length of the street. Any time he hit something he would jump in the air and scatter Cheerios before starting to roll again. Anytime someone tried to stop him he'd shout "gotta go fast".
The biggest knock on Watson coming into the draft came from a fluff social media piece. When asked how do you wipe? Are you a scruncher or folder, Watson looked perplexed. "I don't know what you mean? I wrap the paper around my hand and go in like a Karate chop."
Vick Vinegar
Vinegar has been legally blind since birth. Not the best attribute to have in a footballer, especially one who needs to see who he's sacking.
Refusing to just live with blindness, vinegar studied bats in a vain hope to learn the skills of echolocation. By the age of 10, vinegar could work out the dimensions of a room. By 11 he had taught his tongue in such a way that it could roll clicks out as fast as he needed. By 16 he was so adept in echolocation he could see the direction the qb was facing and new the way the OL was pushing purely from clicks.
These days vinegar sounds like one of the monsters straight out of the descent. The noise of his tongue slapping around the roof of his mouth is enough to put the fear in even the bravest quarterback.
Pick this man for a good time.
Etrigan T. Slayer
*INSIDE SCOOP*
Etrigan T. Slayer... T. Slayer - what does the T stand for? This reporter managed to track down his birth certificate. His middle name is
***
Tabitha. That's right folks, the baddest man in the DE class has the middle name of an English maid from the 1800's. This is likely why Slayer plays with a chip on his shoulder and ferocity in his heart.
Slayer has a foot up on the majority of the opposition and is the most experienced player in the DE class. He has already spent some time on the Portland Pythons to end the year and they will be looking to add him back to the roster early this draft.
Slayer has a deadly spin move that he executes flawlessly, leaving larger O-linemen in the dust.
Intermission
I had planned on only doing the defensive ends then one thing led to another and I checked the names of the DT class. Some funny names and the man I missed from my mock draft as I had no clue how it worked.
GOAT TANK ��
Goat tank has been missed off every single one of these lists and I for one find it deplorable.
Goat tank is the definition of machine - his 21 inch python arms and legs the size of tree trunks make him stand tall in a small field of DT.
Growing up in the Himalayas goat tank spent all of his time hunting for prey, his weapon of choice? His big slab hands. He never showered, never slept, never groomed, only hunted. Goat tank is thought to have been the inspiration of the yeti.
No one knows how old Goat Tank is, all we know is he is GOAT TANK ��
Joey JoJo Junior Shabadoo
How I missed this one during my mock draft is a mystery. A name like Shabadoo sticks out like a sore thumb.
Sounding like a mini boss in a Crash bandicoot level Shabadoo lives up to that billing. He's a really good but not too tier player, he's more of a Komodo Mo than a Neo Cortex. Shabadoo will give you a tough matchup but was you've learned his techniques it's easy to choreograph where he's going next.
Booker Bookchin
Bookchin is most well known in the college game for his over the top sack celebration. He channels his namesake and executes a perfect spinarooni.
Bookchin has a very large board game collection. Cool, you might think, I like board games too. These aren't boardgames like Gloomhaven or Wingspan, no these are boardgames like clue and snakes and ladders. Bookchin has a full cabinet of various Monopoly special editions, his center piece is a mint in box 1935 Patent Pending Edition.
Bookchin tends to bore his opposition into making mistakes by telling them all about how Settlers of Catan is a solved game. Usually by the 3rd quarter he's swimming by them for fun.
Hunter Mantis
Mantis has one of the "cooler" names in the draft class. It brings up images of a sleek black panther using guile and smarts to bring down its prey. Or the praying mantis, hands moving quick as a flash as it envelopes it's helpless defense less meal. I however can't see the word Mantis without thinking of Frank Reynolds in "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" acting as Dr Mantis Tobogan.
So if we combine hunter with Tobogan you get Danny devito hiding naked and lubed up inside a couch.
He has been known to drop a rubber after a big hit "Woops, I dropped my monster condom for my magnum dong"
Sheed Thebaw
If Goat Tank is the 1A of this DT draft class Thebaw is the 1B. I've said my piece on him during a full scouting report so feel free to hunt that out if you want to know more on how he plays.
"The unblockable situation" prepares for games with a long walk on the beach followed by slamming a pair of virgin mojitos in his hot tub.
Thebaw is an easy personality in the locker room, very pleasant and full of jokes. He knows every word to every song in the entire Disney catalog from between the years of 1991 - 2020, his go to karaoke song is las Ketchup - The Ketchup song.
Bonifacius van den Huevel
The best looking man in the draft and quite possibly in the league - Van den Heuvel comes from a long line of dutch royalty. His beauty is his best feature BD unfortunately for Van den Heuvel, also his downfall.
Van Den Huevel goes into every tackle half hearted. He doesn't want the impact to mess up his face. This has led to Van Den Heuvel setting a collegiate record for the highest number of missed tackles.
Not at all what you want in a DT.
LeDavious "Dave" Davis
The grandson of disgraced British conservative MP - David Davis. Davis comes from a very upper class back ground where he spent his high school days playing rugby in Eaton. After a foray with a fairly rambunctious pig Davis realised his life was going down the swanny.
He packed his bags that night and left for his uncles in new York where he enrolled in school. He immediately took to playing Football and quickly rose to a starting position at DT.
LeDavious regularly soils himself on field as he feels it gives him a competitive advantage
Vance Slattery
Its time for the Lance Vance dance! Slattery has a twinkle in his toes a skip in his step and music in his movement. Slattery is always dancing, always moving. Pop, metal, polka, disco it doesn't matter. He's always keeping the beat.
This has led to Slattery jumping offsides on more occasions than any other player in collegiate history.
Slattery however is an absolute thumper of a tackler. Touchdown savers and rib breakers, if Slattery doesn't get a flag you know he's putting someone in a body bag.
Angelo Cerilli
Hailing from the Tuscany, Italy Cerilli is still fairly new to the sport of American Football. He played soccer growing up and is used to hitting the deck like a narcoleptic goat when he gets any sort of contact. He has just about grown out of this but will still occasionally fling himself to the floor and roll about when he gets blocked.
Cerilli learned English from his two favourite shows as a kid. "Biker mice from Mars" and "Street Sharks". He is still unsure why no-one else says JAWSOME when they are especially happy with something.
And finally you may have noticed I have brought in four prospects to this draft. I thought I should give a very quick overview of each one and wipe my hands of one of them.
Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon Safety
My favourite to go the distance out of the 4, Jaxon-Waxon has a great name and a penchant for hard work he's already done himself and two others a signature and has taken to the forums very well.
Has all the speed.
Weakness: possibly maths. Somehow had an overall TPE of 90 on his update page when he's only earned 32 TPE. That being said I can still see Jaxon-Waxon as a good bet to go in the first 6 rounds.
Tony Yeboah Safety
Next most likely to succeed out if this quartet is ya boy Yeboah. Yeboah is playing his cards tight to his chest earning that TPE but banking it all. This man could come into the field lightning quick, as strong as an ox or even mildly capable of throwing a ball.
Yeboah will allow the team that takes their shot to mold him to their needs.
Buster Bawlls Full Back
Enjoyable name? Check
Likeness is a mammoth of a Scotsman? Check
Doing all the TPE and point tasks? Check.
Then why am I down on Bawlls? The answer is, I'm not. Bawlls is a prototypical full back. Built like an outhouse to make gabs for the RB Bawlls fills a niche in the market which a team will hopefully look to plug.
Jeeeeroy Lenkins - Corner Back, bitch and all round crayon eater.
I need to apologise straight off the bat for this one. I wipe my hands of him, he's not my problem any more.
In a side chat the 5 of us were discussing who was getting scouted by each tean.
When asked if Lenkins had any contact from Portland: "Aye, I've no opened it though" "I dini ken my username for ISFL or Discord so I've had to patch it".
His username, folks is his own name.
For that Jenkins should be Mr Irrelevant.
For anyone who made it through this like of crap - thanks for reading. Enjoy the draft. Have a good season.
Disclaimer: this article was paid for by the Crowder family brought to you by FourHoresmenMedia.
Sorry to whoever has to grade this but if you give me the 2x bonus I'd be grateful.
This isn't a ranking piece so much as a handy touchstone for scouts if they are having trouble making headway. As per usual I have taken extreme liberties.
Method:
1. Check TPE tracker. Ignore stats.
2. Check for Wiki. Ignore Wiki and make up facts.
3. Check for player page on forum - get frustrated at search tool.
4. Talk drivel.
*Editor's note* apologies for what you are about to read it starts okay and descends very quickly into lunacy. This mess usually wouldn't get posted, but it's been a week and I'm starting to get hard cash withdrawal symptoms. This effect has been doubled by the introduction of media multiplier
Raylan Crowder
I realise I've just mentioned that this isn't a ranking piece, however if it was here's your top pick folks. Crowder is packed full of talent, oozes charisma and is a true leader in the locker room.
With a vast arsenal of skills to pull from, Crowder can use his high end pace to run past you or his power to bowl you over. He's an O-linemans worst nightmare.
Seriously though draft this man. Four Horsemen.
Tex Wrecks
Part Dinosaur, part monster truck. Tex Wrecks could be an absolute monster in this league. Looking like the offspring of something from /r/dragonsfuckingcars (don't look it up, you've been warned), this hybrid freakshow will roll over your Oline before biting the head off your QB.
Legal? Of course not.
Entertaining? Very.
We aren't too sure where Wrecks came from but I'd rather have him on my team than against me.
Strengths: Everything
Weaknesses: small arms. Can't see you if you stay still.
When we reached out for comment T. Wrecks had this to say: "Rawr, roooar, vrroooomm *high pitch tire screech*"
Jake Sackson
Sackson - get it?! Sack son. If you have children make sure you stay away from Jake or your little boy is getting dropped like a sack of spuds.
Sackson spent high school honing his tackling skills at the local peewee football league, every week he would turn up and muller kids left right and centre. Sackson holds the record for most counts of GBH without getting time inside.
A demon in the run stuffing game, draft this man if you need someon to stuff gaps and lay out players 5ft 4 or less.
Jeffery Jefferson
Jeffery Jefferson - son of Jeffery Jefferson has a son - Jeffery Jefferson. Coming from a long line of butler's Jefferson is the first of his name to be built like a tank. Some question whether he was a legitimate child of Jeffery sr who measures in at 5ft6 120lb.
Jefferson has a mean streak, perfect for the between the tackles nitty gritty work. He'll do the hard work often being double teamed opening holes elsewhere.
Owen Isaac
The name Owen Isaac makes me think of Owen Hart and Isaac Asimov which means only one thing:
Owen Isaac is Owen Hart brought back in robot form. The problem with this is according to Asimovs first law - no robot can hurt a human. Isaac breaks through OL like an eel, no damage done. It doesn't destroy quarterbacks it will only bearhug them until the play is whistled dead.
If you want a mean streak look elsewhere. If you want a robot with a deadly fear of ziplines chose Isaac.
Henry Grant
"Never trust a man with two first names."
Henry Grant has lived up to this saying his whole life. Grant grew up in a rough area - from the age of 12 he was used as a police informant ratting out various low level thugs and drug dealers.
Grant now uses his Guile to sneak his way past unsuspecting O-linemen and holds the collegiate record for strip-sacks - no doubt abusing his double name sorcery to steal the ball from the QB.
Albert Ruschmann
Ruschmann oozes talent and not just on the field. A lifelong dedicated choir boy, Ruschmann has the voice of an angel and the body of a demon. He has been known to rush the passer whilst singing hymns in perfect tenor.
Ruschmann has gone by many nicknames over his short career: "The Rush-man", "Spanky" and "Armpit". However the one that has lingered like a bad smell is "Glitter Critter". The name was gifted to him when his college team mates found out his grandad invented glitter, Ruschmann played into the nickname keeping pocket full of glitter to sprinkle over the QB on sacks. This once led to an ejection when an egregious holding penalty wasn't called - he tossed his pocket glitter with so much force at the referee that the ref was temporarily blinded.
Bobby Hoffman
Fantastic on a BMX, smashing in cleats. Hoffman isnt your prototypical DE he isn't massive and doesn't quite tower over people, he does however practice voodoo in his spare time.
He makes clay dolls of each linemen he's going to come up against and jabs pins into their hands, meaning shedding blockers is like child's play to him.
Pick this man if you want to be mildly creeped out but mightly impressed.
Sam Roes
This man, according to Wikipedia is either 20 or 40 years old. This leads me to believe Roes is a time travelling footballer looking to ply his trade in the DSFL.
Growing up playing the incredible sport of rugby. He played as a flanker as he wasn't ruggedly handsome enough to get a place in the second row.
During the off-season Roes spends the majority of his time crocheting little animals for the local orphanage. His specialty is a small octopus with long dangly legs. If you want one of these made for you, you can find them on his bespoke chic Etsy profile.
Abdul-Jabbar Abid
Abid used to be a street brawling orphan with no care in the world except football. In one of his games, Abid was grievously wounded and collapsed in front of a monastery. The Marquez priests took him in, saving him from death. After recovering, Abid realized the error of his ways and resolved to start a new life. He became a priest and renounced his old football ways. He then became a man with a mission; he dreamed of building an orphanage for street children, hoping to save them from becoming the kind of fighter he used to be.
Abid was successful in building an orphanage, but funds were tight; to bring income to the orphanage, Abid played in pickup games, donning his now iconic Jaguar helmet to conceal his identity and acquiring the title "Spots". It was at this time that Abid came to the attention of his future rival Sack Daddy, one of the regulars from the pickup game scene.
After a long rivalry Sack Daddy burned down the orphanage Abid spent so long building.
Abid has vowed to take action ever since - following Daddy to the DSFL.
Sack Daddy
Is this man related to Jake Sackson?
Is there SackBaby too?
I'm actually annoyed that I just searched for sack daddy on wiki. Of course there was nothing there and it was waste if time.
Let's be fair, sack daddy must've been bullied at high school with that sort of name. He clearly started football to get in with the cool kids and ended up growing bigger and stronger than any of his class mates.
Sack Daddy has unresolved beef with Abdul-Jabbar Abid.
Crozier McCoy
McCoy is a proud Scottish Defensive end who plied his trade in the Edinburgh wolves senior team before being scouted into the DSFL.
Since moving to America McCoy has been know to walk into local food establishments and ask for "A jumbo Haggis supper, salt and sauce. And gee's a poke eh chips for the road hen". He has yet to find a joint which has satisfied this request, usually being sent on his way with a packet of lays and a chili dog.
Brick Van Sanzo
Van Sanzo is a power rusher at heart with good, but not top end, speed and strength. One scouting report of brick mentioned:
"A combination of speed and strength, he gets off the line and relies on power to push off lineman to get to RBs and QBs with the precision of a ball of razor blades."
Let's dig into this further, the comparison to a ball of razor blades is a strange one to me. If you asked me to chose an amount of razor blades to shave with in order to be precise, I am likely to pick one... Not many.
If you asked me what shape I would like my razor blades to come in for a precision shave the last thing I would chose is a ball.
That being said van Sanzo comes at your quarter back with all the subtlety of a Brick to the face. You can't go wrong picking up this man (unless you're looking for a close shave).
Troy Watson
Watson is a massive retro games fan, mostly from the sega and Nintendo systems. When he was 17 he slicked back his hair painted himself blue giving himself a white chest and commando rolled down the length of the street. Any time he hit something he would jump in the air and scatter Cheerios before starting to roll again. Anytime someone tried to stop him he'd shout "gotta go fast".
The biggest knock on Watson coming into the draft came from a fluff social media piece. When asked how do you wipe? Are you a scruncher or folder, Watson looked perplexed. "I don't know what you mean? I wrap the paper around my hand and go in like a Karate chop."
Vick Vinegar
Vinegar has been legally blind since birth. Not the best attribute to have in a footballer, especially one who needs to see who he's sacking.
Refusing to just live with blindness, vinegar studied bats in a vain hope to learn the skills of echolocation. By the age of 10, vinegar could work out the dimensions of a room. By 11 he had taught his tongue in such a way that it could roll clicks out as fast as he needed. By 16 he was so adept in echolocation he could see the direction the qb was facing and new the way the OL was pushing purely from clicks.
These days vinegar sounds like one of the monsters straight out of the descent. The noise of his tongue slapping around the roof of his mouth is enough to put the fear in even the bravest quarterback.
Pick this man for a good time.
Etrigan T. Slayer
*INSIDE SCOOP*
Etrigan T. Slayer... T. Slayer - what does the T stand for? This reporter managed to track down his birth certificate. His middle name is
***
Tabitha. That's right folks, the baddest man in the DE class has the middle name of an English maid from the 1800's. This is likely why Slayer plays with a chip on his shoulder and ferocity in his heart.
Slayer has a foot up on the majority of the opposition and is the most experienced player in the DE class. He has already spent some time on the Portland Pythons to end the year and they will be looking to add him back to the roster early this draft.
Slayer has a deadly spin move that he executes flawlessly, leaving larger O-linemen in the dust.
Intermission
I had planned on only doing the defensive ends then one thing led to another and I checked the names of the DT class. Some funny names and the man I missed from my mock draft as I had no clue how it worked.
GOAT TANK ��
Goat tank has been missed off every single one of these lists and I for one find it deplorable.
Goat tank is the definition of machine - his 21 inch python arms and legs the size of tree trunks make him stand tall in a small field of DT.
Growing up in the Himalayas goat tank spent all of his time hunting for prey, his weapon of choice? His big slab hands. He never showered, never slept, never groomed, only hunted. Goat tank is thought to have been the inspiration of the yeti.
No one knows how old Goat Tank is, all we know is he is GOAT TANK ��
Joey JoJo Junior Shabadoo
How I missed this one during my mock draft is a mystery. A name like Shabadoo sticks out like a sore thumb.
Sounding like a mini boss in a Crash bandicoot level Shabadoo lives up to that billing. He's a really good but not too tier player, he's more of a Komodo Mo than a Neo Cortex. Shabadoo will give you a tough matchup but was you've learned his techniques it's easy to choreograph where he's going next.
Booker Bookchin
Bookchin is most well known in the college game for his over the top sack celebration. He channels his namesake and executes a perfect spinarooni.
Bookchin has a very large board game collection. Cool, you might think, I like board games too. These aren't boardgames like Gloomhaven or Wingspan, no these are boardgames like clue and snakes and ladders. Bookchin has a full cabinet of various Monopoly special editions, his center piece is a mint in box 1935 Patent Pending Edition.
Bookchin tends to bore his opposition into making mistakes by telling them all about how Settlers of Catan is a solved game. Usually by the 3rd quarter he's swimming by them for fun.
Hunter Mantis
Mantis has one of the "cooler" names in the draft class. It brings up images of a sleek black panther using guile and smarts to bring down its prey. Or the praying mantis, hands moving quick as a flash as it envelopes it's helpless defense less meal. I however can't see the word Mantis without thinking of Frank Reynolds in "it's always sunny in Philadelphia" acting as Dr Mantis Tobogan.
So if we combine hunter with Tobogan you get Danny devito hiding naked and lubed up inside a couch.
He has been known to drop a rubber after a big hit "Woops, I dropped my monster condom for my magnum dong"
Sheed Thebaw
If Goat Tank is the 1A of this DT draft class Thebaw is the 1B. I've said my piece on him during a full scouting report so feel free to hunt that out if you want to know more on how he plays.
"The unblockable situation" prepares for games with a long walk on the beach followed by slamming a pair of virgin mojitos in his hot tub.
Thebaw is an easy personality in the locker room, very pleasant and full of jokes. He knows every word to every song in the entire Disney catalog from between the years of 1991 - 2020, his go to karaoke song is las Ketchup - The Ketchup song.
Bonifacius van den Huevel
The best looking man in the draft and quite possibly in the league - Van den Heuvel comes from a long line of dutch royalty. His beauty is his best feature BD unfortunately for Van den Heuvel, also his downfall.
Van Den Huevel goes into every tackle half hearted. He doesn't want the impact to mess up his face. This has led to Van Den Heuvel setting a collegiate record for the highest number of missed tackles.
Not at all what you want in a DT.
LeDavious "Dave" Davis
The grandson of disgraced British conservative MP - David Davis. Davis comes from a very upper class back ground where he spent his high school days playing rugby in Eaton. After a foray with a fairly rambunctious pig Davis realised his life was going down the swanny.
He packed his bags that night and left for his uncles in new York where he enrolled in school. He immediately took to playing Football and quickly rose to a starting position at DT.
LeDavious regularly soils himself on field as he feels it gives him a competitive advantage
Vance Slattery
Its time for the Lance Vance dance! Slattery has a twinkle in his toes a skip in his step and music in his movement. Slattery is always dancing, always moving. Pop, metal, polka, disco it doesn't matter. He's always keeping the beat.
This has led to Slattery jumping offsides on more occasions than any other player in collegiate history.
Slattery however is an absolute thumper of a tackler. Touchdown savers and rib breakers, if Slattery doesn't get a flag you know he's putting someone in a body bag.
Angelo Cerilli
Hailing from the Tuscany, Italy Cerilli is still fairly new to the sport of American Football. He played soccer growing up and is used to hitting the deck like a narcoleptic goat when he gets any sort of contact. He has just about grown out of this but will still occasionally fling himself to the floor and roll about when he gets blocked.
Cerilli learned English from his two favourite shows as a kid. "Biker mice from Mars" and "Street Sharks". He is still unsure why no-one else says JAWSOME when they are especially happy with something.
And finally you may have noticed I have brought in four prospects to this draft. I thought I should give a very quick overview of each one and wipe my hands of one of them.
Xmus Flaxon Jaxon-Waxon Safety
My favourite to go the distance out of the 4, Jaxon-Waxon has a great name and a penchant for hard work he's already done himself and two others a signature and has taken to the forums very well.
Has all the speed.
Weakness: possibly maths. Somehow had an overall TPE of 90 on his update page when he's only earned 32 TPE. That being said I can still see Jaxon-Waxon as a good bet to go in the first 6 rounds.
Tony Yeboah Safety
Next most likely to succeed out if this quartet is ya boy Yeboah. Yeboah is playing his cards tight to his chest earning that TPE but banking it all. This man could come into the field lightning quick, as strong as an ox or even mildly capable of throwing a ball.
Yeboah will allow the team that takes their shot to mold him to their needs.
Buster Bawlls Full Back
Enjoyable name? Check
Likeness is a mammoth of a Scotsman? Check
Doing all the TPE and point tasks? Check.
Then why am I down on Bawlls? The answer is, I'm not. Bawlls is a prototypical full back. Built like an outhouse to make gabs for the RB Bawlls fills a niche in the market which a team will hopefully look to plug.
Jeeeeroy Lenkins - Corner Back, bitch and all round crayon eater.
I need to apologise straight off the bat for this one. I wipe my hands of him, he's not my problem any more.
In a side chat the 5 of us were discussing who was getting scouted by each tean.
When asked if Lenkins had any contact from Portland: "Aye, I've no opened it though" "I dini ken my username for ISFL or Discord so I've had to patch it".
His username, folks is his own name.
For that Jenkins should be Mr Irrelevant.
For anyone who made it through this like of crap - thanks for reading. Enjoy the draft. Have a good season.
Disclaimer: this article was paid for by the Crowder family brought to you by FourHoresmenMedia.
Sorry to whoever has to grade this but if you give me the 2x bonus I'd be grateful.
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