(Ready to be graded - 1,523 words)
Ok well since these Players Tribune articles seem to be the spice of the week these days, your ol boy Honky Tonk figured he’d drop in and learn some folk right quick. Let the people know what HTH got distillin’ in the noggin. Flex some a dat Tennessee education right quick. Ok here goes:
The Five Nastiest, filthiest, grotesque Offensive Linemen of the DSFL Draft
By Honky Tonk Haywood.
Now growing up in Tennessee you are exposed to some foul and repugnant sights, sounds, and smells in this here united states of America. Notice I did not include taste or touch. You got something to say about our grilling capabilities or the feel of a true down south, thick Tennessee country girl, then them’s some fightin words. We might could have a scrap and you don’t want none of these 308 pounds comin at you like a Tennessee Copperhe…oh wait sorry…comin at you with the agility of a Portland Python yessir.
But enough about things that go great with some molasses poured on top. As I alluded to, whether it be smellin one of Mr. Crowley’s full grown male pigs rollin around in its own doodoo or getting a little too close to the old wastewater treatment facility, some things are just enough to make a man cringe at any age in Tennessee, but it wasn’t I went to college and eventually the DSFL that I saw just how depraved mankind could be.
So without further ado, let's get to the countdown...
Honorable Mention:
Connor Quigley – Umass Amherst
Tough to leave this egg-suckin dawg off the top five but what can I say this is a highly competitive compilation of nastiness. We played Quig once as a tune up game for when we went and played actual college football programs, but that big oaf left a D-I impression in my damn nostrils. Few of the boys came up to me day of game and let me know the stench I was to encounter that day. Apparently what dills this boys pickle is going to town on buffalo chicken calzones washed down with Hawaiian Punch. No doubt facilitated with some Keystones or Busch Lite on top. Some people may say if that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness, but not me. Hat tip to him, he did what was necessary to try and keep me from getting too close to him and his quarterback. One whiff of him and I told my coach I was done after one series. I mean I was only scheduled for two anyways as this was an easy W, but credit where credit is due to the big ugly from Massachusetts.
#5 Duncan Donuts – University of Washington
You hear my man Duncan’s name and maybe you start dreaming of a nice cold brew or bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel, but I’m tellin ya it smelled like there were some chocolate munchins in this man’s jock. As an offensive or defensive lineman you tend to end up rolling around in the muck with eachother on a frequent basis. As you can imagine, you get to know eachother on a somewhat personal basis. Now although I only got a chance to play this dude once during the senior bowl, one experience was all it took to know Duncan as much as I ever needed to. I’m still not sure if his name is a nickname, a joke, or if he’s the heir to the coffee franchise, but I have my theory. That man rolled ontop of me and I swear it was hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sock and smellin no better! As a man who likes a cuppa Joe in the morning, I can tell you it does two things for me – it wakes me up and it gets me to the toilet. I don’t wanna be too crass here but you put one and one together and you’ve got yourself a mess at the bottom of the pigpile. Just a theory.
#4 Hugh McGree – University of Minnesota
Typically the fat smelly bastards that I encounter are good ol boys from down south. Too much gravy, grits, and sweat pooling together as one. But this stench king hails from the University of Minnesota. I went for a visit to MN as a formality before staying in Tennessee. I mean why not enjoy the food, drink, and women from across the country on someone else’s dime? But unfortunately I got more than I bargained for in the smell department. This son-biscuit was on the same trip as me and we done sat next to eachother a few times during that visit. Let me tell you, I woulda thought this boy had just come back from a cheese eatin competition in nearby Wisconsin and happened to hit each and every Hardee’s, Culvers, and Arby’s along the way. Not to say I’m a man who doesn’t appreciate an indulgence now and then, but dearly beloved. The coaches went ahead and walked us through a couple drills on the field the day before we left and I swear to you, I saw this man replace the water in his green Gatorade bottle with a chocolate milkshake. This dude went to spray his face down with water after an admittedly grueling 5 minute walkthrough and hit himself with straight milkshake. Now to me that makes about as much sense as tits on a bull. I couldn’t knock the ingenuity, but it had me wondering what else he was hiding and where.
#3 Felix Archstone – University of Florida
I had the displeasure of playing against this smelly bastard all too often in the SEC East. OK sure, his hair is luxurious. I can’t knock the man’s lettuce that’s for sure, but my goodness that aroma when we lined up across from each other was enough to make The Florida Man take offense. There were rumors that big Archy once went swimming in the everglades and literally scared the damn Gators out the swamp with that stench. We was playing Florida my Freshman year and I seen the tight end motion towards Felix’s side, stop halfway and nearly faint before returning to his original side. Quarterback done cussed him out pre snap to get to the other side but he refused. Took a delay of game penalty over body odor. Now that man will pancake you Faster than green grass through a goose, but that play alone will place you in the Odor-Hall of fame.
#2 Medicinal Toblerone – Bern University
Let me be clear. Toblerone does not smell bad. In fact, the smell is a bit intoxicating. I rekon maybe this aint the right list for this rant, but something just smells…off with this…”dude.” Bless his heart he’s well liked by friends and peers alike, but what’s up with that? Does no one care that he appears to be some type of genetically modified creature? Is he a dude? What’s going on? Why does everyone love him so much? Is no one concerned that they’ve let the fox into the hen house here? A 6’7” 340 pound piece of chocolate with healing properties? Nono, that dog won't hunt. I’m keeping my distance as best I can, you won’t find HTH drinking the Kool-Aid on Medicinal Toblerone. You’ll find HTH running right through him and to the quarterback, and then wiping the chocolaty mess off and letting Hugh McGree have his way with it.
#1 Swantavius Jones – Cypress Creek
The Swanty Shake was this fellers’ signature dance move in the end zone, but his dance moves aren’t what’ll grab your attention first. Swanty and I share a love of a couple of things: a filling meal and beautiful stallion. In fact I visited him at his horse ranch in Bridle Trails when I had to play against him in the prospect games. Nothing out of the norm here – Swanty sure knows how to care for those horses, and in fact he’s got a couple great Fillys, but something gnawed at me on the field when I lined up against him. A familiar scent. Finally I put my nose on it. Swanty smelled like those dangold ponies he spent all day caring for. I mean I can’t fault him for smelling like a ranch, it’s even a little endearing to a farmboy like myself, but be cautious out there, fellow D-lineman. I’m not entirely sure if Swantavius is sleeping in the master bedroom or on a bed of hay in the stables. Now that's a smell bad enough to make a preacher cuss.
And that's all I got. My momma once said If my brains were dynamite, I couldn’t blow my nose, but one thing my nose knows is a filthy O-lineman when I encounter one. I'm anxious to see if the rest of these DSFL offensive lineman know a thing or two about hygiene or if they too smell bad enough to knock a dog off a gut wagon. Regardless you can count on me knockin em all into the middle of next week looking both ways for Sunday!
Ok well since these Players Tribune articles seem to be the spice of the week these days, your ol boy Honky Tonk figured he’d drop in and learn some folk right quick. Let the people know what HTH got distillin’ in the noggin. Flex some a dat Tennessee education right quick. Ok here goes:
The Five Nastiest, filthiest, grotesque Offensive Linemen of the DSFL Draft
By Honky Tonk Haywood.
Now growing up in Tennessee you are exposed to some foul and repugnant sights, sounds, and smells in this here united states of America. Notice I did not include taste or touch. You got something to say about our grilling capabilities or the feel of a true down south, thick Tennessee country girl, then them’s some fightin words. We might could have a scrap and you don’t want none of these 308 pounds comin at you like a Tennessee Copperhe…oh wait sorry…comin at you with the agility of a Portland Python yessir.
But enough about things that go great with some molasses poured on top. As I alluded to, whether it be smellin one of Mr. Crowley’s full grown male pigs rollin around in its own doodoo or getting a little too close to the old wastewater treatment facility, some things are just enough to make a man cringe at any age in Tennessee, but it wasn’t I went to college and eventually the DSFL that I saw just how depraved mankind could be.
So without further ado, let's get to the countdown...
Honorable Mention:
Connor Quigley – Umass Amherst
Tough to leave this egg-suckin dawg off the top five but what can I say this is a highly competitive compilation of nastiness. We played Quig once as a tune up game for when we went and played actual college football programs, but that big oaf left a D-I impression in my damn nostrils. Few of the boys came up to me day of game and let me know the stench I was to encounter that day. Apparently what dills this boys pickle is going to town on buffalo chicken calzones washed down with Hawaiian Punch. No doubt facilitated with some Keystones or Busch Lite on top. Some people may say if that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness, but not me. Hat tip to him, he did what was necessary to try and keep me from getting too close to him and his quarterback. One whiff of him and I told my coach I was done after one series. I mean I was only scheduled for two anyways as this was an easy W, but credit where credit is due to the big ugly from Massachusetts.
#5 Duncan Donuts – University of Washington
You hear my man Duncan’s name and maybe you start dreaming of a nice cold brew or bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel, but I’m tellin ya it smelled like there were some chocolate munchins in this man’s jock. As an offensive or defensive lineman you tend to end up rolling around in the muck with eachother on a frequent basis. As you can imagine, you get to know eachother on a somewhat personal basis. Now although I only got a chance to play this dude once during the senior bowl, one experience was all it took to know Duncan as much as I ever needed to. I’m still not sure if his name is a nickname, a joke, or if he’s the heir to the coffee franchise, but I have my theory. That man rolled ontop of me and I swear it was hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sock and smellin no better! As a man who likes a cuppa Joe in the morning, I can tell you it does two things for me – it wakes me up and it gets me to the toilet. I don’t wanna be too crass here but you put one and one together and you’ve got yourself a mess at the bottom of the pigpile. Just a theory.
#4 Hugh McGree – University of Minnesota
Typically the fat smelly bastards that I encounter are good ol boys from down south. Too much gravy, grits, and sweat pooling together as one. But this stench king hails from the University of Minnesota. I went for a visit to MN as a formality before staying in Tennessee. I mean why not enjoy the food, drink, and women from across the country on someone else’s dime? But unfortunately I got more than I bargained for in the smell department. This son-biscuit was on the same trip as me and we done sat next to eachother a few times during that visit. Let me tell you, I woulda thought this boy had just come back from a cheese eatin competition in nearby Wisconsin and happened to hit each and every Hardee’s, Culvers, and Arby’s along the way. Not to say I’m a man who doesn’t appreciate an indulgence now and then, but dearly beloved. The coaches went ahead and walked us through a couple drills on the field the day before we left and I swear to you, I saw this man replace the water in his green Gatorade bottle with a chocolate milkshake. This dude went to spray his face down with water after an admittedly grueling 5 minute walkthrough and hit himself with straight milkshake. Now to me that makes about as much sense as tits on a bull. I couldn’t knock the ingenuity, but it had me wondering what else he was hiding and where.
#3 Felix Archstone – University of Florida
I had the displeasure of playing against this smelly bastard all too often in the SEC East. OK sure, his hair is luxurious. I can’t knock the man’s lettuce that’s for sure, but my goodness that aroma when we lined up across from each other was enough to make The Florida Man take offense. There were rumors that big Archy once went swimming in the everglades and literally scared the damn Gators out the swamp with that stench. We was playing Florida my Freshman year and I seen the tight end motion towards Felix’s side, stop halfway and nearly faint before returning to his original side. Quarterback done cussed him out pre snap to get to the other side but he refused. Took a delay of game penalty over body odor. Now that man will pancake you Faster than green grass through a goose, but that play alone will place you in the Odor-Hall of fame.
#2 Medicinal Toblerone – Bern University
Let me be clear. Toblerone does not smell bad. In fact, the smell is a bit intoxicating. I rekon maybe this aint the right list for this rant, but something just smells…off with this…”dude.” Bless his heart he’s well liked by friends and peers alike, but what’s up with that? Does no one care that he appears to be some type of genetically modified creature? Is he a dude? What’s going on? Why does everyone love him so much? Is no one concerned that they’ve let the fox into the hen house here? A 6’7” 340 pound piece of chocolate with healing properties? Nono, that dog won't hunt. I’m keeping my distance as best I can, you won’t find HTH drinking the Kool-Aid on Medicinal Toblerone. You’ll find HTH running right through him and to the quarterback, and then wiping the chocolaty mess off and letting Hugh McGree have his way with it.
#1 Swantavius Jones – Cypress Creek
The Swanty Shake was this fellers’ signature dance move in the end zone, but his dance moves aren’t what’ll grab your attention first. Swanty and I share a love of a couple of things: a filling meal and beautiful stallion. In fact I visited him at his horse ranch in Bridle Trails when I had to play against him in the prospect games. Nothing out of the norm here – Swanty sure knows how to care for those horses, and in fact he’s got a couple great Fillys, but something gnawed at me on the field when I lined up against him. A familiar scent. Finally I put my nose on it. Swanty smelled like those dangold ponies he spent all day caring for. I mean I can’t fault him for smelling like a ranch, it’s even a little endearing to a farmboy like myself, but be cautious out there, fellow D-lineman. I’m not entirely sure if Swantavius is sleeping in the master bedroom or on a bed of hay in the stables. Now that's a smell bad enough to make a preacher cuss.
And that's all I got. My momma once said If my brains were dynamite, I couldn’t blow my nose, but one thing my nose knows is a filthy O-lineman when I encounter one. I'm anxious to see if the rest of these DSFL offensive lineman know a thing or two about hygiene or if they too smell bad enough to knock a dog off a gut wagon. Regardless you can count on me knockin em all into the middle of next week looking both ways for Sunday!
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